Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Molested by Jack Hanna Regional 1st Round: No. 2 Bengal vs. No. 7 Dolphin. WHO YA GOT?














It's our first and possibly only land-based-versus-aquatic-based mammalian showdown. Somebody has to haul the water tank into the Octagon and that's no easy task. Thank goodness for illegal cheap well-compensated and duly represented labor.


Poll is on the sidebar to the right. Voting is open for roughly a day. Voting is closed on this contest. The Bengal won with 68 percent of the vote.



Contestants

Bengal tiger________Dolphin

Screwy offspring

Liger______Wholphin

Old-school video gaming reference

Great Tiger_____Ecco The Dolphin

Claim to fame

Largest species of cat_______Pfft. SECOND smartest mammal.

Known to occasionally prey on

Young Asian elephants_____Humans who think they're cute

Encourages you to

Fuck up people's laundry (Okay, that's a cheetah, but c'mon)____Give it fish

Finishing move

Jumping through flaming hoop, probably______Sex with fins for fun!


62 comments:

I'm in a Frat said...

Will the tiger fight from land whil the dolphin fights from the water? Or will the tiger fight in the tank with the dolphin?

I'm assuming the later and going with the dolphin.

I'm in a Frat said...

*latter

Grimey said...

Phew, for a second there I thought a Wolphin was the offspring of a wolf and a dolphin. I'm pretty sure that would be the weirdest conception ever.

The Lazer said...

Same here, I'm going with the dolphin, no way a tiger survives in the open ocean.

Otto Man said...

So long, and you're welcome for all the fish.

Richard said...

Let's not forget that tigers are damn good swimmers, unlike most cats. Since this is a water tank, I still give the kitteh solid odds.

Nate said...

Dolphins kill sharks sometimes and are super fast. You HAVE to go with the dolphin here - the tiger wouldn't have a chance.

Chris(BessMervinGirlDetective) said...

A Hitch Hikers quote. At least I am not the only nerd in here.

Pemulis said...

im going with the bengal but only because i love kitty cats

Captain Caveman said...

C'monnnnnnnnn Dolphin!

Richard said...

I think dolphins can only kill sharks if there's a bunch of them ganging up on one shark. This is one on one.

J said...

What if the tiger is outside of the high tank and the dolphin just swims around the whole time inside the tank? This could just be a ferociously boring stalemate.

/still votes for claws and fangs

Man Bear Pig said...

I agree. The only way the Tiger could hurt the Dolphin is by entering its domain of the water tank. Advantage: Dolphin.

Captain Caveman said...

I have an ex-girlfriend who went swimming with dolphins once. The male rubbed up against her in a sexual manner.

Any animal smart enough to get off on a hot Cuban chick gets my vote.

futuremrsrickankiel said...

Dolphin for the upset. It's got something to prove: namely, that's it's not as completely fucking lame as the football team currently sullying its reputation.

quiet strength said...

Good luck Mr. Dolphin.

Rocco said...

per Wiki: "Bengal tigers are also strong and frequent swimmers, often ambushing drinking or swimming prey or chasing prey that has retreated into water." F that, that Dolphin will have nowhere to go in the tank of death. Advantage: Bengal

/apologizes for doing research

Nick said...

Flipper for the win.

Claude Balls said...

I need a ruling from the overlords. The outcome is dictated by the fight's logistics. You said there is a tank, so I assume the dolphin is in the tank. I don't see the dolphin jumping out of the tank onto the floor of the Octagon. Is the tiger being dropped into the tank or is he outside, batting on the side of the tank trying to swat the dolphin through the glass? If you are dropping the tiger into the tank, how big is the tank? Is it deep enough for the dolphin to avoid the tiger's lunges? Is it deep enough to drown the tiger?

See what I did there? I sucked all of the fun out of this exercise by pretending it was for real and nerdishly getting trapped in the details.

P.S., may I vote for the dolphin because I think that Cincinnati is an uninhabitable hellhole?

Christmas Ape said...

The tank is within the Octagon but it doesn't take up the entire space. The tiger can sit outside it on land.

Christmas Ape said...

Also: the tank is fairly large and deep enough for the tiger to drown and the dolphin to avoid his swipes.

I'm in a Frat said...

@rocco
Your research, though appreciated, is only valid to a point. Bengal tigers may be good swimmers... but they're not dolphins. I mean, dolphins can jump OUT of the water, which means speed (and lots of it). I see the dolphin circling the tiger and repeatedly ramming it. No chance for the tiger.

In a water based fight, dolphin wins easily. Though arguing is moot because it looks like the tiger is taking this easily.

/ashamed

Pemulis said...

another thing to bear in mind is that if the bengal is showing up as a representative of the the cincinnati bengals, he may very well have a gun.

Claude Balls said...

He also may be drunk and vomiting by the side of his car.

Richard said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Les Savy Ferd said...

going with the Dolphin considering the home tank advantage. am hoping it enters the octagon to Ace Ventura's so far over the top that it is embarrassing but then somehow funny again dolphin impression

Richard said...

Can we just let the tiger win so we don't have to keep having these logistical arguments in future rounds? Arguing about an air based jet versus a water based dolphin will make my head asplode.

smurphette said...

Ape, if you are implying that humans are the smartest mammal, I would remind you that tourist season is once again upon us, with families and student groups infesting the metro and the Hill like the cloud of locusts that they are.

James said...

does the tiger have access to a toaster and/or hair dryer?

fuck it, I'm still voting tiger

Rocky Top said...

Couldn't the tiger just hang out until the dolphin starves to death? I assume that the tiger could survive on Octagon referees/fans/concessions until the dolphin went belly-up in its tank.

Christmas Ape said...

Good point, smurphette. The Japanese need to take their cherry blossoms back.

Wormfather said...

Tigers are good swimmers yes, but this is the dolphins NATURAL FUCKING HABITAT!

Bears are good fishers but only by comparison, have you ever seen a bear fish? It's a stream full of salmon and yet the bear still looks like it has downs.

Anyway, I see the dolphin getting the bengal all tired out then drowning the mother fucker.

Oh and remember whales/sharks dont hunt dolphins, wont even try. That should tell you something right there.

The Pirate Sloth said...

Pft, flipper totally has this in the bag.

Sam said...

For screwey offspring, you forgot "Lawfin" and "Jewfin," and the bengal would get his posse to gun down the dolphin, no contest here

Seamus Furr said...

These very cogent analyses all say "dolphin for the win," but the retards who are voting just look at the fangs and vote bengal.

The only way the tiger will win if she's Tatiana, the deceased one from the San Francisco Zoo. Since she isn't, the tiger will bat playfully at the side of the tank until it decides to jump in, upon which it will suffer the full fucking fury of nature's most deceptively ferocious beast.

quiet strength said...

All kitty witty has to do is sharpen his claws for round two on the side of the tank a couple times. Tank empties. Dolphin drowns on that suffocating suffocating air. Kitty witty enjoys a tuna melt.

The Pirate Sloth said...

Plus, how do you know that ole Flipper there can't scramble the brains of the Bengal using sonar? huh? You don't!

Burrito Bros. Shits said...

Goddamn gay sharks.... That Liger looks badass. Can't wait to see Sigfried incorporate that into a show.

Wormfather said...

@quiet

(I dont know why i'm taking this so seriously but it's personal)

You're assuming kitty has the smarts to realize that breaking the glass will solve it's problem. We're talking about an animal that worshims catnip.

Also, dolphins are a mamal, it'd be a dolphin burger.

Also, I blame the selection commitee, seeding the Dolphin 7th, c'mon, they're at least a 5 seed.

quiet strength said...

Oh...I guess a tuna melt would consist of tuna... ... ...but still!

Burrito Bros. Shits said...

I could just see a ridiculous standoff between the tiger and dolphin, where they both sit/float? in front of each other till one dies. Is this the Dolphin from Seaquest because that fucker was pretty smart.

Christmas Ape said...

I assume even if it was a standoff, the dolphin would splash water at the tiger to get it pissed off, thus making it jump in the tank where it would be at the dolphin's mercy.

/kind of bummed the vote isn't closer

Burrito Bros. Shits said...

I dunno, since the tiger has to jump into the tank, this is kinda skewed towards the dolphin's favor. Maybe if you try to make a jungle within the octagon in which a dolphin swims in a ravine, maybe it would be more even.
/trying to hard

Claude Balls said...

Please allow me to point out that as an air-breathing mammal (you know that hole on the top of the dolphin's head? It's not for fucking), the dolphin will not "drown" or suffocate on air. It may lie there while the tiger tears it to shreds, but it will be breathing air right until the end.

As the smarter animal, it is much more likely that the dolphin will figure a way to entice the tiger into the tank before the tiger can concoct a plan to get the dolphin out.

It's just as well that the tiger is winning. If the dolphin wins, it pretty much floats into the Final Four. I am assuming that the other cats will win their first round matchups. Lions, panthers and jaguars will fair no better against the dolphin than will the bengal.

Look, I even analyzed the bracket to predict a member of the Final Four. Who's the biggest geek now?

John said...

Look. This is a football website, right? We're comparing football teams' namesakes, right? The encounter should take place on a football field, don't you think?

Face them off at the 50-yard line and Shere Khan eats Flipper, no problem.

Pemulis said...

but why not just put the octagon with the tank in it on the football field?

Grimey said...

I think we are all just projecting the bear vs. shark arguments onto this matchup... and no way that shit is ever getting solved

Grimey said...

By the way, as a resident of the Emerald Coast, I can tell you the easiest way to kill dolphins is to feed them from your boat

The Pirate Sloth said...

I don't think Tony the Tiger there is going to be captaining a boat into Flippers tank.


Flipper ftw! Anything horny enough for CC is good for me to vote for.

Animal Mother said...

It'll be the dolphin by forfeit. Everyone knows the bengal will be in jail and/or suspended by the commissioner for the fight.

DougOLis said...

All I got from that snopes article is that women are sneaky bitches.

professor chaos said...

This has the makings of Ali v Foreman.
Dolphin swims around just out of the tigers reach. The tiger tires out and is an easy kill.

Problem only occurs if the dolphin hits its head at any point. Dolphins are easy to concuss - ask Trent Green.

Advantage: Dolphin.

deafjeff said...

I think the tiger just sits on the edge of the tank, like every cartoon strip ever drawn. Then when the mammal comes up to breathe, swats the fucker in the head. As a Bills fan, ain't no way in fuckin hell I'd vote for a dolphin for anything.

Spacecadet said...

Tiger. The Dolphin would shit himself when that jumped in the water.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/pages/live/articles/news/worldnews.html?in_article_id=458282&in_page_id=1811

Chip Fu said...

now you know i'm going dolphin on this one.

even though they're mad gay...having blowholes and whatnot.

Ron said...

I know it was touched on earlier, but it bears repeating: Snowflake loves hot chicks

J.L. White said...

I'm sorry, but there is no fucking way I'm voting for a pansy-ass Dolphin to kick any mascot's ass at anything. Just look deep into their hear of hearts: A Bengal Tiger is a ferocious killing machine, who silently stalks inside the shadow-laden canopy of the jungle, waiting to devour his unsuspecting prey. A Dolphin likes to laugh and play, will clap for mackerel and secretly wants to bang hot chicks.

Even with the water advantage, one swipe from the tiger's paw and the dolphin will scurry down into the bottom depths of the tank, waiting until the danger has vanished. The tiger, on the other hand, is a crafty and cunning predator, and he'll patiently wait at the edge of the tank, for the dolphin to come back up for air. When it does, the tiger will strike again. Oh, maybe not inflicting a lethal blow, but after enough scratches the dolphin will eventually bleed to death.

This will be an excruciatingly long and slow match. The Bengal Tiger, however, doesn't kill for your amusement. No, the tiger kills because that is what it was born to do.

Christmas Ape said...

Death Spares Not The Tiger

J.L. White said...

That's all fine and good, Xmas Ape, but me and my garbage bag full of popcorn are going to watch Honk If You're Horny, instead.

Caxide said...

I'll leave you all with this tidbit (read down to the part about the Bottlenose Dolphin) so you can realize that not only will the dolphin kill and mutilate the tiger, it will sodomize its dead carcass. Literally.

http://www.cracked.com/article_15853_6-cutest-animals-that-can-still-destroy-you.html

Gern said...

What's wrong with all of you clueless losers? Haven't you ever seen Flipper? Bud and Sandy had that killer honed to a fine edge as far as killing sharks goes. That tiger would be swimming in circles and Flipper would take his time ramming the tiger over and over until it's over. Kinda like porn, but better!

Les Savy Ferd said...

any mascot with the presence of mind to dry hump (er, wet hump?) a Jessica Alba SO should have won this.