Friday, March 28, 2008

Molested by Jack Hanna Regional Semifinals
Bengal vs. Jaguar & Lion vs. Panther


One thing is readily apparent from the results of the Kill, Kill, Kill bracket thus far: you bastards love the chalk. All four of the big cats-- like other high seeds-- sailed through the first round. Subtle attempts by fellow Mafia members to spur some upsets have been underwhelming at best. Accordingly, we are stepping up our efforts to subvert democracy.

2. Bengal vs. 3. Jaguar

The tiger you are voting on is Daniel Stripèd Tiger from Mister Roger's Neighborhood. He has some serious self-esteem issues and for some reason wears a watch even though he lives inside of a friggin' clock. His best friends are an alcoholic lesbian museum curator and a pompous owl who thinks he knows every goddam thing there is to know. Only a quivering nancy would vote for him.






The jaguar, on the other hand, is a Jaguar XF with three hot chicks hanging on it. If you don't vote for the Jag it means you don't like cars or girls. Enjoy your skateboard, fruit-loop.




1. Lion vs. 4. Panther

The lion you are voting on is Snagglepuss. Snagglepuss is a third-tier character from Hanna-Barbera. He never got his own show and his principal claim to fame is hosting the Laff-a-Lympics. Snagglepuss is without a doubt the most pathetic specimen in the annals of lion-dom (not counting, of course the Detroit Lions). If you love America, you will not vote for the lion.


The panther you are voting on is the one from L.L. Cool J's “Walking with a Panther” album cover. Pros: He wears a gold rope chain and keeps top secret shit in a Haliburton briefcase. Cons: Fuck you, what did you not understand about the gold rope chain??? If you don't vote for the panther, you are worthless in the eyes of your God, and should probably consider suicide.



Vote at the top of the right column. The poll closes at the end of the day. Voting is closed. The Bengals won with 56 percent of the vote and the Lion won with 54 percent.


27 comments:

Big Daddy Drew said...

I'm the type of guy that says the puddin' is DELICIOUS.

brad said...

Dammit! I wish you had posted this BEFORE I voted for the Bengal!

Chris(BessMervinGirlDetective) said...

That Panther told me to knock you out.

brick said...

I can't vote for anything associated with Ladies Love Cool James

Exit...stage left even

Big Daddy Drew said...

The lion is the type of cat that has no idear that a sneaky, freaky brutha's sneakin' in from the rear.

I'm in a Frat said...

@ brad

You can change your vote broski.

JDA said...

Dude... Jaguars break down all the fucking time. At least a stuffed animal always works.

brick said...

Nothing screams

"I have a small penis"

like driving a Jaguar while blasting L.L. Cool J

/hater
//can't afford a Jag
///the wife says its nice

flubby said...

LL in Krush Groove

The Last Unitard said...

I want to see Grape Ape vs. Christmas Ape.

Also, did anyone see something really weird at the top of the page? Or is that mescaline not totally out of my system?

dick_gozinia said...

I thought Muttley and Dick Dastardly hosted the Laff-A-Lympics.

Tracer Bullet said...

Pink cookies in a plastic bag, gettin' crushed by a building, even.

Citizen 10Cane said...

Daniel Striped Tiger also has to fight with a hand up his ass.

I'm not saying it's impossible to fight that way, just pointing it out.

Otto Man said...

A minute is needed to make a phony roni bleed
and put him in a bucket like it's chicken feed.

Undead Zombie Horde said...

I dont know why my last comment was deleted. Bastards. Anyway:

I thought I saw Baby Kolber pop up and laugh at me in the KSK header at the top of the page.

I was high, but still...it happened.

quiet strength said...

zombie - Calm down. You're on drugs. This is what drugs do. And you know that there is no way that a penis can cut hair. Wait, what?

Undead Zombie Horde said...

there fucking with us, man!

The Pirate Sloth said...

what, no Jean Grey image?

J said...

i hear snagglepuss is a total fuck lion...

flubby said...

undead zombie horde and unitard are hitting the butthash pretty hard

smurphette said...

The Ladies do indeed Love Cool James.

/Around-the-Way Girl

KC Cal said...

Technically, the Jaguar could just run over everyone and it'd be over.

The Last Unitard said...

I feel like I'm a character from A Scanner Darkly watching the guy from Eraserhead read excepts from Naked Lunch in some kind of bizzaro cafetorium.

Chip Fu said...

suddenly i feel like going to red lobster for shrimp and steak, around the time when the waitresses are on their lunch break.

Pepster said...

@chip fu - unfortunately I saw Brenda. She worked at Red Lobster but I didn't remember.

Eagle in Brighton said...

Reverse psychology.

make it snow said...

I vote for Ryan because Ryan is selious cat.

/smirre