Thursday, March 13, 2008

The Gay Mafia Comes Out!


Well, it’s time. We’ve put this off long enough. After seeing this article outing The Big Lead as former US Weekly editor Jason McIntyre, and after seeing the boys at Fire Joe Morgan out themselves as successful TV writers (not that I’m jealous or anything… fucking talented fuckers) and doing it because “people have a right to face their accusers,” we at KSK felt compelled to, at long last, reveal ourselves for the very first time. This was not an easy decision. Many of us have regular day jobs that we do not want jeopardized. But we felt a responsibility to do this. Ufford has carried this burden far too long. So, at long last, here now are our real identities.


PUNTER

“I am Mandi Morgan Potter, adult film star and cosplay expert for hire.”


APE

“I am Manuel Habanero, world renowned pinatero.”


CAVEMAN

While Matt Ufford is the original Captain Caveman, for the last year and a half, his posts have been ghostwritten by Janice Dickens, a Steelers fan who adores her two English bulldogs, Amy and Emily.


MAJ

“I am Kyle Sandersonian, a roadie for System of a Down.”


FLUBBY

“I am actually a platinum plate lightning lamp from The Sharper Image catalog. I originally retail for $39,99, but right now I am available at a considerable discount. When you touch me, the lightning all redirects to your hand! Isn’t that amazing?! It’s all about heat.”


FALCO

Falco’s (1975-2006) real name was David Garcia. He died in a tenement fire set deliberately by an unscrupulous landlord. His family was given no restitution.


DREW

My real name is actually Andrew von Trapp deKlampfenstein IV. I was born in Austria and am actually a Count by heritage. After graduating from Phillips Exeter Academy, I returned to my homeland to join the Austrian Air Force. I have flown 398 successful sorties over reconstructed Serbian schoolhouses. I have a charm bracelet that has over 76 miniature skull charms, each of which signify a Serbian mongrel child I helped “cleanse” off the landscape. Women are normally horrified to hear of such exploits. But then they look into my deep Cerulean blue eyes, and they know that I am pure of heart and girthy of dongbone. You should also know that I steadfastly refuse to wear any clothing that is not emblazoned with some sort of crest.

So there you have it. I hope these stunning revelations - and the fact that even if you know our real names, we’re still just six assholes you don’t know - don’t affect how you read our fine site.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have villages to wipe off the landscape.

36 comments:

Wormfather said...

Eesh, you guys can go back in now. You came out when you dubbed your self the Gay Maffia.

Ghost of Carl Monday said...

"But then they look into my deep Cerulean blue eyes, and they know I am pure of heart and girthy of dongbone"

Might be the funniest thing I'll read all year.

twoeightnine said...

Caveman looks a lot like The Maj.

devang said...

Captain Cavebutch?

What lesbian wouldn't like Scarlett?

Upstate Underdog said...

I expected this to be a lot more gay.

Otto Man said...

"At the blog's best, it would strive to be The Colbert Report meets Drudge Report," says Jason McIntyre, the co-creator and principal writer and editor of The Big Lead.

So he wants to strike a middle ground between Fake Stupid and Real Stupid?

J said...

"That guy has a lot of cranium accessories"

Otto Man said...

Janice Dickens, a Steelers fan who adores her two English bulldogs, Amy and Emily.

If I caught the Indigo Girls reference there, does that make me a lesbian too?

Pepster said...

I am pretty sure that I will use the "girthy of dongbone" line sometime this weekend.

The Pirate Sloth said...

Could we have a seance for a Falco post?

smurphette said...

As far as I'm concerned, this post is prima facie evidence that there is not a sports blogging glass ceiling.

Sh!tShow said...

The Falco bit fucking killed me.

Rally Monkey Spanker said...

Thanks for ruining the ability to face one's accuser. We'll just cross that one off the bill of rights.

I did like the green iron cross. Is that in honor of St. Patrick's Day? Or just another line of KSK wear to boost your sales?

Greg Schuler said...

The Austrian Air Force...flying training missions only since, well, forever.

Although it must be exciting to finally have a chance to fly some top-notch planes and then have your government try and cancel the contract.

The Last Unitard said...

I'd like to open a bottle of Hebrew with UM's ear hole.

Tom Brady's Man Chowder said...

Gay > Exeter

Tech N9ne's Tribute to Falco said...

2006, has it really been so long?

/single gay tear

Unsilent Majority said...

that guy's got a lotta shit on his head

SlideShow Bob said...

Ufford wasnt the original Captain Caveman either. The real one took on a new crew and acted as the first mate and called Matt CC. I mean who would listen to the Dred Pirate Ufford?

Claude Balls said...

We're referencing the Princess Bride now? Once the gay starts coming out, it never stops.

By the way, Drew, the beard and sideburns are not large enough to hide your girth. Have you always been chubby, or did fatherhood do that to you?

quiet strength said...

MMP might want to ease up on the thighmaster. Might.

Moof! said...

@Upstate Underdog

In order of fuckability:
1) Drew
2) Falco
3) Flubby
4) Punter
5) Maj
6) Ape

ciarannh said...

But...I thought you guys were Asian, and met up in libraries to hurt each other in hilarious ways?

Citizen 10Cane said...

The Maj still isn't black???

futuremrsrickankiel said...

YES! I knew flubby was the hot one.

Pemulis said...

I've purchased so amny pinatas and yet never put two and two together.

Pemulis said...

many, you stupid bastard

J.L. White said...

girthy of dongbone

You have done your bloated Austrian lineage proud today, Heir Drew, with that faaaaaaabulous (insert fake lisp for the Gay Mafia) addition to my lexicon. Now Drew, have you always shown a resemblance to Paul Giamatti, or is the photoshopped facial hair throwing me off? Or are you REALLY the famed actor in real life?

If you are Paul, let me just say that you totally rocked the shit out of Paycheck!!!

Tom Brady's Man Chowder said...

JL, the facial hair, monacle, hat uniform and motto is real, its the rest that's photoshopped, noob.

JAMMQ said...

Caveman's been posting the past year and a half?

I'm in a Frat said...

Punter=Transvestite Chun Li?

dick_gozinia said...

Maj isn't black? Well fuck me...

larry b said...

I'd like to take this opportunity to out myself as an ugly nerd who lives in my mom's basement who does nothing but blog and look at blogs all day. (And masturbates.)

grungedave said...

a roadie for System of a Down, huh? So, basically, you're indefinitely unemployed. No wonder you've been posting more, UM.

Suss said...

And "Otto" as Himself

Johnny said...

This is all vaguely reminiscent of 1987's "New Monkees".