Thursday, March 6, 2008

Please Let Her Middle Initial Be S. Please Let Her Middle Initial Be S.


Reader Linda C. wrote to us this morning to let us know that the Patron Saint of our fair site gave birth to a baby girl Wednesday. The girl’s name is Kellen Kolber. I don’t think it’s much to ask Jesus to make sure that kid’s middle name is Suzy, or Sarah, or Shania, or Scrumpetina, something else that causes people to think of poop stains whenever they see her monogrammed towels.

We hear that mother and baby are both well. And that is fantastic. We’re genuinely jazzed for Suzy and her new daughter, and we wish them the very best.

Now, about that FIRST name. It begs the question of who the father might be…


Hmm. Too old. And how would he have time to hook up with Suzy when he's so busy fucking himself?


Hmm. Too green, although he does seem to enjoy the presence of children.


Possibly. If any epitomizes the phrase “young, dumb, and full of cum,” it’s our friend the Lieutenant here. But I still don’t think that’s quite right.


Oh yeah. We’ve got our culprit.

30 comments:

Upstate Underdog said...

I was expecting to see a picture of a turkey baster for the father.

denvergodfather said...

I was planning on naming my first born Scrumpatina. Now you have gone and ruined that. Thanks

Mark said...

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Suzy_Kolber

Jaworski used to babysit her. I wonder.....ewww.

Leaking Geek said...

Maybe there should be a lineup to see which one is the culprit...But then, Who is Kaiser Soze?

Pemulis said...

My guess is Willy Joe is both the father AND keyser soze... When he was a kid he used to dehydrate, and his piss came out like snot. I mean, it was all thick and gross.

NYCPonderings Chick said...

young, dumb, and full of cum ...that is a new one for me, one that must be repeated

Francois Leroux Speedskater said...

@nycponderings

Clearly, you've never heard of Raylene.

/watches too many naughty vids

Big Daddy Drew said...

@nycponderings

I'm gonna have to order you to rent Point Break immediately. Before Swayze dies.

Rickey Henderson said...

A proud day for the Kolber family. Careful what you wish for--if they give that kid a middle name staring with an 'S,' that brats will own your asses in a few years.

ciarannh said...

Surely if she's naming the kid after ksk then its a subtle hint that young Kellen is the bastard son of Joe Namath?

The Pirate Sloth said...

I thought the only people to drive Suburu's were dog owning lesbians here in Seattle. You mean OTHER people drive them too?

Chris(BessMervinGirlDetective) said...

Drew you might as well grab Road House too.

Upstate Underdog said...

And lets not forget Red Dawn.

Francois Leroux Speedskater said...

@BDD

How sad is it that I know that phrase from a porn and not that movie? Pretty sad, methinks.

quiet strength said...

Don't forget Ghost!

Robut M. Nixon said...

YEAH KELLEN CLEMENS

the great bambi said...

all of you shut up, just shut up, NOBODY PUTS SWAYZE IN A CORNER!

Gern said...

The only people to own Subaru's are in Seattle, except they're cat lovers by and large. Don't forget your Columbia/North Face fleece and hemp sweaters, it's cold!

Blendy said...

Point Break also gives the viewer the pleasure of the then-relatively unknown Tom Sizemore delivering another eminentely quotable line:

"Two keys. Uncut. Crystal meth."

Daniel said...

I've read that she went with a little more "feminine" spelling. I read the daughter's name is "Kellyn". Any truth to that?

JR said...

...and birkenstocks. and the burlap bag in the back seat for their hot Yoga sessions...

Bill Belichick said...

The two retard sister sites of Ufford both say that even though Swayze still has cancer, it's not as bad as it was reported yesterday. I'd hold off on renting and just download the torrents; by the time they are done THEN he will have died.

naptown drew said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
naptown drew said...

You heard it here first...Suzy was dumped by ESPN when she announced the name of her daughter to be around the office:

Kellen Klux Kolber

futuremrsrickankiel said...

I think it would be funnier if her middle name started with an O...

Look! I made a dick joke (kinda)!

Gern said...

And lots of white guys with dreads playing ultimate frisbee or hacky-sack. Oh yeah, and the drizzly cold-ass rain. Paradise.

naptown drew said...

@futuremrs

I hope for your sake that's the only time you've ever laughed at a KOK.

Moof! said...

No Patron/Matron Saint tags? BURN THEM!

Rally Monkey Spanker said...

If she were from Bahston, the middle initial would be a K. Just so she could fahk wit da dahkies.

Pedro Martinez would also like to know who's your daddy?

smurphette said...

Kellen Smurphette Kolber

Done and done.