By now you should know never to trust any sort of rumor-mongering published here at KSK, and this item is no exception. It comes to us third-hand from an anonymous fan who spends his workday toiling as Office Drone #3497 in Sector 7G over in Bristol, and was forwarded this story from a friend of a friend of a… you get the idea. This could all be bullshit, and it has that distinct whiff. But, even as fiction, it’s still a damn fine read.
I’d also like to caveat this story by saying that, contrary to many blog folk, I have no real problem with Joe Buck. Does a perfectly good job for me. And now that I know he allegedly likes to get shithoused and wear a jock under his clothes when he parties, I like him even more. Read on:
Tuesday night, March 4th, I had the single most bizarre experience I have ever had in numerous Vegas trips. A friend in my group knew a guy who got us table service at Moon nightclub at the Palms for a cheap rate. So we roll in w/ 19 people and start having a great time…
So we're at Moon for about 30 minutes having a spectacular time when my friend says "Hey, wait a second, I think I just saw Joe Buck." We all laugh it off. About twenty minutes later my friend yells my name across the bar and motions for me to come over. I walk over and he says "Bob (name changed), I'd like you to meet Joe Buck." Standing there in all of his glory is Joe Buck. The guy is pretty damn tall, but that isn't what stands out. What stands out is Joe Buck's freakishly large head. I mean his head is *HUGE*. We agree that Joe Buck has the largest head-to-body ratio we've ever seen. A Joe Buck bobblehead would ironically be an accurate representation of Joe Buck.
We get talking with him, expecting him to peace out within the first five minutes. Surprisingly, Joe Buck won't stop talking. He tells us of his glory days at Indiana University. He recounts some memorable sports moments he has witnessed. He talks about being 38, married, and having two kids. He takes a picture with us. We're thrilled - this is B-list celebrity at its best! Little did we know that Joe Buck had a sinister plan behind all of his seeming friendliness. He starts (talking to) my friend Jenny (name changed) incessantly and buying her bottles of Miller Lite using $100 bills. It's go time for Joe Buck.
Joe mentions that the Super Bowl was the greatest sporting event he has ever witnessed. He claims that he is afraid he has "peaked" and that he's on the downside of his career now. His mood turns darker. Later during the same "great sports moments" conversation Joe mentions the 2004 MLB Playoffs. I say to him "Whoa, that's right, you saw the Dave Roberts steal!" Joe turns to me and says sourly "Dave Roberts was out." This was a dire omen. (Ed Note: Tommy from Quinzee will NEVER forgive this transgression! Quick, Boston fans, go into Righteous Pity Mode!)
My friend asks Joe Buck, "Hey, have you been out on the patio yet? The view is unbelievable." JB replies, "Out there?!?! Go out there?!?! No, you don't have a chance in hell of getting me out there..." He then turns to my friend's girlfriend Jenny (standing directly beside him) looks her up and down twice and says to him "I've got all the view I need right here." (Ed. Note: DUDE!) My friend has no idea what to do at this point.
The conversation dies out and there are several awkward pauses of 20+ seconds. We are waiting for him to leave. But Joe Buck won't leave. At one point we are having a conversation about the club and how cool it was and Joe interrupts us and loudly exclaims:
"I HAD A VASECTOMY ON FRIDAY AND I AM WEARING A JOCK RIGHT NOW".
All of our jaws drop -- it was completely bizarre. My friend Jenny replies "well I guess the buck really does stop here, huh?" Joe had no response.
Joe continues to hit on my friend and she turns to me and says, "We have got to get away from Joe Buck." Our group leaving was not a real option - we had our tables and we didn't want to leave them. So we had to get Joe to leave. So I did the only thing I thought I could do -- press Joe Buck's buttons. After a moment of thought I unleashed what ended up being the silver bullet - "Hey Joe, on a scale of 1 to Gus Johnson, where would you rank yourself?" Joe Buck was pissed.
He said "Ohh, I could only hope to SOMEDAY achieve the level that Gus has." My friend told Joe to lighten up and he instantly turned into a 5th grader, yelling/whining pointing at me and yelling, "but he Gus Johnsoned meeee!" Five minutes later my friend drunkenly stumbles up to JB, points at him and says, "Ha! Gus Johnson!" Joe slams his beer down on the bar.
Finally, about one hour after Joe Buck first contact, Joe says, "I gotta meet my friends now". We asked who he was here with and he said, "couple guys, from Fox, you know". We tell him that's a good idea as we are headed down to the Playboy Club now. We leave and celebrate our newfound Joe Buck freedom.
About twenty minutes later we are in the Playboy Club sitting around having a drink. Guess who walks in alone after us... Joe Buck. He sits down and starts playing $100 hands of blackjack. We leave the club about an hour later with Joe sitting beside (and chatting up) a young girl who had been sitting alone at the table before he joined her. I wish you could have seen this girl and what she was wearing. Let's just say I think she was playing with house money. (Ed. Note: No clue what this means. Let’s just assume she had a big rack.)
Afterward, we all realized one thing: Joe Buck is having a mid-life crisis. It all adds up: 1.) He feels he has 'peaked' professionally, 2.) He screamed out that he had just had a vasectomy to strangers, 3.) He was (flirting with) girls despite being married w/kids, 4.) His livid reaction to the Gus Johnson comment.
I can't believe I am saying it, but for the first time I can only imagine how Tim McCarver puts up with doing games with Joe Buck, and not vice versa. What a douchebag.
Well, if getting drunk by yourself and trying to awkwardly interject into group conversations makes you a douchebag, then call me Frankie Muniz.
UPDATE: The original writer of this story emailed us.
"Drew et al,
I wanted to write you and let you know that I wrote the 'On a Scale of 1 to Gus Johnson' story about Joe Buck. I am a grad student here in DC and I was on spring break in Vegas last week.
Every single word in that piece is true. There are no exaggerations, and many people can corroborate the entire thing.
Attached is a picture of me with Joe Buck, taken the night of March 4th at Moon nightclub.
Many thanks for running that article,