Wednesday, March 12, 2008

UPDATED: KSK Exklusive! Joe Buck Gets Drunk In Vegas, Declares Vasectomy and Wearing Of Jock Strap


By now you should know never to trust any sort of rumor-mongering published here at KSK, and this item is no exception. It comes to us third-hand from an anonymous fan who spends his workday toiling as Office Drone #3497 in Sector 7G over in Bristol, and was forwarded this story from a friend of a friend of a… you get the idea. This could all be bullshit, and it has that distinct whiff. But, even as fiction, it’s still a damn fine read.

I’d also like to caveat this story by saying that, contrary to many blog folk, I have no real problem with Joe Buck. Does a perfectly good job for me. And now that I know he allegedly likes to get shithoused and wear a jock under his clothes when he parties, I like him even more. Read on:

Tuesday night, March 4th, I had the single most bizarre experience I have ever had in numerous Vegas trips. A friend in my group knew a guy who got us table service at Moon nightclub at the Palms for a cheap rate. So we roll in w/ 19 people and start having a great time…

So we're at Moon for about 30 minutes having a spectacular time when my friend says "Hey, wait a second, I think I just saw Joe Buck." We all laugh it off. About twenty minutes later my friend yells my name across the bar and motions for me to come over. I walk over and he says "Bob (name changed), I'd like you to meet Joe Buck." Standing there in all of his glory is Joe Buck. The guy is pretty damn tall, but that isn't what stands out. What stands out is Joe Buck's freakishly large head. I mean his head is *HUGE*. We agree that Joe Buck has the largest head-to-body ratio we've ever seen. A Joe Buck bobblehead would ironically be an accurate representation of Joe Buck.

We get talking with him, expecting him to peace out within the first five minutes. Surprisingly, Joe Buck won't stop talking. He tells us of his glory days at Indiana University. He recounts some memorable sports moments he has witnessed. He talks about being 38, married, and having two kids. He takes a picture with us. We're thrilled - this is B-list celebrity at its best! Little did we know that Joe Buck had a sinister plan behind all of his seeming friendliness. He starts (talking to) my friend Jenny (name changed) incessantly and buying her bottles of Miller Lite using $100 bills. It's go time for Joe Buck.

Joe mentions that the Super Bowl was the greatest sporting event he has ever witnessed. He claims that he is afraid he has "peaked" and that he's on the downside of his career now. His mood turns darker. Later during the same "great sports moments" conversation Joe mentions the 2004 MLB Playoffs. I say to him "Whoa, that's right, you saw the Dave Roberts steal!" Joe turns to me and says sourly "Dave Roberts was out." This was a dire omen. (Ed Note: Tommy from Quinzee will NEVER forgive this transgression! Quick, Boston fans, go into Righteous Pity Mode!)

My friend asks Joe Buck, "Hey, have you been out on the patio yet? The view is unbelievable." JB replies, "Out there?!?! Go out there?!?! No, you don't have a chance in hell of getting me out there..." He then turns to my friend's girlfriend Jenny (standing directly beside him) looks her up and down twice and says to him "I've got all the view I need right here." (Ed. Note: DUDE!) My friend has no idea what to do at this point.

The conversation dies out and there are several awkward pauses of 20+ seconds. We are waiting for him to leave. But Joe Buck won't leave. At one point we are having a conversation about the club and how cool it was and Joe interrupts us and loudly exclaims:

"I HAD A VASECTOMY ON FRIDAY AND I AM WEARING A JOCK RIGHT NOW".

All of our jaws drop -- it was completely bizarre. My friend Jenny replies "well I guess the buck really does stop here, huh?" Joe had no response.

Joe continues to hit on my friend and she turns to me and says, "We have got to get away from Joe Buck." Our group leaving was not a real option - we had our tables and we didn't want to leave them. So we had to get Joe to leave. So I did the only thing I thought I could do -- press Joe Buck's buttons. After a moment of thought I unleashed what ended up being the silver bullet - "Hey Joe, on a scale of 1 to Gus Johnson, where would you rank yourself?" Joe Buck was pissed.

He said "Ohh, I could only hope to SOMEDAY achieve the level that Gus has." My friend told Joe to lighten up and he instantly turned into a 5th grader, yelling/whining pointing at me and yelling, "but he Gus Johnsoned meeee!" Five minutes later my friend drunkenly stumbles up to JB, points at him and says, "Ha! Gus Johnson!" Joe slams his beer down on the bar.

Finally, about one hour after Joe Buck first contact, Joe says, "I gotta meet my friends now". We asked who he was here with and he said, "couple guys, from Fox, you know". We tell him that's a good idea as we are headed down to the Playboy Club now. We leave and celebrate our newfound Joe Buck freedom.

About twenty minutes later we are in the Playboy Club sitting around having a drink. Guess who walks in alone after us... Joe Buck. He sits down and starts playing $100 hands of blackjack. We leave the club about an hour later with Joe sitting beside (and chatting up) a young girl who had been sitting alone at the table before he joined her. I wish you could have seen this girl and what she was wearing. Let's just say I think she was playing with house money. (Ed. Note: No clue what this means. Let’s just assume she had a big rack.)

Afterward, we all realized one thing: Joe Buck is having a mid-life crisis. It all adds up: 1.) He feels he has 'peaked' professionally, 2.) He screamed out that he had just had a vasectomy to strangers, 3.) He was (flirting with) girls despite being married w/kids, 4.) His livid reaction to the Gus Johnson comment.

I can't believe I am saying it, but for the first time I can only imagine how Tim McCarver puts up with doing games with Joe Buck, and not vice versa. What a douchebag.


Well, if getting drunk by yourself and trying to awkwardly interject into group conversations makes you a douchebag, then call me Frankie Muniz.

UPDATE: The original writer of this story emailed us.

"Drew et al,

I wanted to write you and let you know that I wrote the 'On a Scale of 1 to Gus Johnson' story about Joe Buck. I am a grad student here in DC and I was on spring break in Vegas last week.

Every single word in that piece is true. There are no exaggerations, and many people can corroborate the entire thing.

Attached is a picture of me with Joe Buck, taken the night of March 4th at Moon nightclub.

Many thanks for running that article,

Brett"




54 comments:

Monday Morning Punter said...

Goddammit, if Joe Buck didn't have a vasectomy, I'm gonna be so fucking mad.

FTA said...

"Well, if getting drunk by yourself and trying to awkwardly interject into group conversations makes you a douchebag, then call me Frankie Muniz."

- Make that three of us. I think I spent most of my twenties abroad doing just that.

Moof! said...

@BDD
@FTA
I'm doing it in South America right now.

J.L. White said...

Joe turns to me and says sourly "Dave Roberts was out."

Well, if this story is true, then I am totally endeared by Joe Buck's obvious hatred for Boston. He's still a douchebag and I'll laugh when he gets divorced for (trying to) fuck college-age girls, but a tiny, tiny part of me will feel bad for him, too.

Pale Writer said...

Unreliable douchebag narrators is a term I wish I knew when I was doing all of my literature requirements in college. That sums up any post-1900 novel.

Rally Monkey Spanker said...

I can't believe JB stole my "pay for some chick's beer with a $100 bill" move.

If you tell me what his "what do you do when the chick wants a second beer" move is, I'm stealing it.

Aaron said...

"playing with house money" = prostitute, Drew.

J said...

icing on the cake, the Frankie Muniz bash at the end

AWESOME

/still laughing

P.S. none of my female friends like it when I voice my complaints about having to assume that they have large racks, they prefer I keep my imagination to myself

Pemulis said...

That is a disgusting act by Joe Buck.

DougOLis said...

Was this submitted by one scott.templeton@gmail.com? Everything is too perfect to be real.

smurphette said...

Thanks a lot Drew, now whenever I hear his goddamn voice during a game I'm going to involuntarily wonder whether he's wearing a jock. Guhhhh this needs a nightmare fuel tag.

Jackin'4Beats said...

We agree that Joe Buck has the largest head-to-body ratio we've ever seen

Clearly your friend has never met Biz Markie. That guys head can cause a solar eclipse.

hi there mary said...

I can see how someone could mistake "I found a sexy teen on myspace and i am wanting to fuck right now" as

I HAD A VASECTOMY ON FRIDAY AND I AM WEARING A JOCK RIGHT NOW.


word verification: hujer. The size of buck's head compared to the average human.

BEHM777 said...

My wife and I met O. J. Simpson in Toronto in '06, and there is NO FREAKIN' WAY Joe Buck's head-to-body-ratio is larger than his (or Ted Kennedy's, for that matter). NO FREAKIN' WAY! I mean, it would have to be like Jupiter with a bad toupee. Uranus, maybe?

/goes to bed

The Pirate Sloth said...

So you're pulling this if you get a cock and a dyke? Do they have to come in order or do you get a choice?

tommy said...

damn that is good stuff. i wish i had been there.

Otto Man said...

My friend Jenny replies "well I guess the buck really does stop here, huh?"

If that guy doesn't marry this woman, he's officially gay. Larry Craig gay.

JAMMQ said...

Amazingly, I have more respect for Joe Buck after listening to this story?

It's Vegas, right?

If you can't go there when you're in your late 30's get drunk, flash money, and hit on blondes 10 years younger than you where can you go?

Lighten up, unreliable douchebag narrator.

JoSCh said...

"We have got to get away from Joe Buck."

Truer words were never spoken.

Upstate Underdog said...

I'll be on the look out for Joe Buck when I'm in Vegas 2 weeks from today.

JohnDewar said...

Marv Albert is unimpressed with Joe Buck's extramarital social life.

Chris(BessMervinGirlDetective) said...

Joe Buck was just getting his goose on, leave the man alone.

rukrusher said...

I call BS on the Vasectomy time frame to hitting on the blonde, you definitely want to make sure the plumbing still works as soon as possible but you are waiting a good week to ten days before heading out to new pastures.

futuremrsrickankiel said...

This is a bit random, but I was thinking that if you were to go based purely on phoenetics, you could probably spell it "eKSKlusive," thus killing the proverbial two birds with one stone.

Also, I am a huge nerd.

quiet strength said...

I would assume fake mooning Buck would get rid of him.

Jerry said...

ditto jammq - when hanging with a celebrity - b-list or otherwise - give them some slack...and an hour with your girlfriend. Come on, what are the chances that you end up marrying her.

Ben said...

I'd just like to point out that this story is absolutely true. We were actually at the club for my 28th birthday. Who the fuck would come up with that random a story? Also I read that some urologists only recommend 2 days waiting time for sex after a vasectomy.

stocelloman said...

I too can verify this story as I was there for ben's 28th birthday, along with about 18 other people...and the lovely woman in question is my girlfriend.

mccobw01 said...

I personally know the author and I am definitely calling BS. He gets a little loopy when he's tripping balls. This one time he spent 10 minutes telling me about how he had been repelling down Mount Vesuvius when suddenly he slipped and began to fall. I had to remind him that he had been smoking peyote for 6 straight days and had never even been to Mount Vesuvius.

I expect that there is a similar backstory to this tale.

Ben said...

Well then all 20 odd of us took the same acid.

Brett said...

Nice Zoolander reference, you Demon Deacon.

Yes, I am the author. And I promise you this all happened. Drew will shortly be updating w/ a picture of all of us with Joe that night.

Pale Writer said...

So...is he a reliable douchebag narrator?

sides said...

Uhh so here's more proof:

Stefanie: when we were in vegas, we met joe buck...please read the story of what happened on that blog

Stefanie: yes
look at my fbook pics
theres more pics of us with joe buck

Zamboni said...

I call shenanigans. How could they even tell it was Joe Buck with black marker all over their eyes?

Brendon said...

For the record, the cock doc makes you wear a jock thing for a week after the vasectomy. After three days it starts to feel overly gay and you decide to take your chances sans jockstrap.

Gern said...

Not to be a dick, but that troll on the right is not the hot chick he was trying to get with right? That shit definitely should have stayed in Vegas.

My Insignificant Life said...

Wait a minute - Brett retires from football; we find out that he is really a woman; now he is in Vegas spinning JB stories; and the only female in the picture is provided by someone named Brett. Laura Ingraham was right. It all comes clear now.

Grimey said...

Must have been Blazer Night

Gern said...

Gay Blazer night. Oh wait, that's redundant.

matt said...

That's definitely Moon. I would never forget the weird shiny tiles on the wall.

Otto Man said...

Gay Blazer night.

I guess Ufford must've been the one taking the picture then.

Drizztdj said...

I wonder how gay comparing vasectomy notes would be.

"Hey Joe did you get a female assistant flicking your numb dick like a catnip toy too?"

J said...

SOMEBODY GET THESE PEOPLE TO A HOSPITAL! PROXIMITY TO JOE BUCK HAS BLACKED OUT ALL OF THEIR EYES!

Daniel said...

"Well, if getting drunk by yourself and trying to awkwardly interject into group conversations makes you a douchebag, then call me Frankie Muniz."

Alright...you're Frankie Muniz.

Derrick said...

so is the girl in the picture the one he was hitting on? Not much taste for the Buckster, I guess.

NYCPonderings Chick said...

people still wear jock straps? i dont understand those big thongs

twoeightnine said...

Leave the girl alone, who wouldn't hit on someone wearing a bukkake sweater? That's like wearing a sign that says blow it anywhere but inside.

Otto Man said...

"Call me Frankie Muniz" is how i begin all my Malcolm in the Middle fan fiction.

KD said...

Shenanigans, Buck looks photoshopped into that picture.
But he is a douche.

Tracer Bullet said...

If Joe Buck is out trolling for strange a day after getting a vasectomy then he is the greatest man of all time. After my vasectomy, all I did for two days was sit around with an icebag on my nuts and it was at least a week before I even thought about sex. Meanwhile, Joe Buck is trying to get laid with fresh stitches in his sac. Truly, he honors us with his presence.

peb said...

I call bullshit. Buck's head is totally photoshopped on that picture. I don't mind publishing a dubious story as long as it's entertaining, which this was, but the subsequent affirmations of truth and a sketchy picture to "confirm" it is pretty weak. However, if you wrote for the Baltimore Sun, you would win a Pulitzer.

Otto Man said...

Shenanigans, Buck looks photoshopped into that picture.

Wait -- you're saying he isn't the Emperor Humungus?

Gern said...

Send Alma to the sticks Bitch!

SlickBomb said...

This story isn't nearly getting the mileage that it needs.