Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Construda Regional 1st Round: No.4 Cowboy vs. No. 5 Patriot. WHO YA GOT?














At long last, we address the all-important middle seeds and a key NFL demographic: bellicose white guys with guns. Can the Cowboy's six-shooter make quick word of the summer soldier, found of standing in straight rows in the path of artillery or can the Patriot bayonet him in the dick faster than Horace Greeley told him to go west? WHO YA GOT?
As always, poll is on the sidebar to the right and voting is open for the rest of the day. Voting is closed. The Cowboy won with 60 percent of the vote.

Contestants

Cowboy__________Patriot

Fueled by

Xenophobia_________Jingoism

Namesake for song from

Kid Rock________Company Flow

Hat

10 gallon_________Tri-corner

Secret shame

Forgot Alamo_______Didn't mind Stamp Tax

Handy with

Rope, cattle_______Periwig, chamber pot

Fights

Redskins_________Redcoats

Preferred epithet for blacks

Kneegrah________Daaahkie

Finishing move

Romanticize stupid profession___Write purposefully open-ended Constitution

41 comments:

Francois Leroux Speedskater said...

The "can't vote to kill ledger" tag makes me cry tears of shame-filled guilty joy. Bra-vo Ape.

Citizen 10Cane said...

I personally think the Joker could kick both those guys' asses.

Armchair Strong Safety said...

i can't in good conscience vote positively for the Cowboys or the Patriots.... if they had played in the Super Bowl, i would've had to watch Animal Planet

quiet strength said...

I'll take prescription drugs, please.

Burrito Bros. Shits said...

Push?

Les Savy Ferd said...

ledger v ledger, eh?

NFL Mascot Pills Pills Pills?

Upstate Underdog said...

John Wayne vs Mel Gibson. I'm taking John Wayne.

Chris said...

WTF? Why do these 2 teams have to be a first round matchup? I hate them both more than words can possibly convey. Tommy from Quinzee vs. Double J? Can I just vote for a nuclear device to explode right there in the Octagon and completely eviscerate everything in sight. With a gun to my head I'd have to vote for the Crotchboys if for no other reason than it's been a nice few weeks without the bandwagon Patriot fans polluting this sight. If they won even one matchup, you know they'll be back.

Undead Zombie Horde said...

This is the first matchup that I ignored logic and voted out of pure hatred. And that hatred burns hotter for the Cowboys.

Tom Brady's Man Chowder said...

Don't cry for me Chris, the truth is I never left you.

Also, I voted for the Cowboy, seeing as he's my go to whenever I play Cowboy/Ninja/Bear.

futuremrsrickankiel said...

Yes, but the Patriot has a musket with a bayonet. THAT'S A KNIFE TIED TO A GUN. Even Ray Lewis is envious of that advance in modern weaponry. On those grounds, I'm voting Patriot.

J said...

@savy ferd: thank you for making my day/month/life

And once again the pictures are affecting my vote.... gay cowboy vs not so bad patriot acting job?

Robert Ullman said...

I vote for smallpox.

quiet strength said...

Patriots = 1776
Cowboys = 1876

I'll take a six shooter over a musket that fires once every 30 seconds any day.

DougOLis said...

This is exactly why the Patriots should switch to Patriot missiles instead. There would be no debate.

Is this taking place bare-knuckle? Or can they use guns? If it's bare-knuckle I'm taking the Patriot; I saw Mel Gibson take those Brits in that creek bed. But there's no way in fuck I can take a musket over a Winchester Model 1873 in a gun battle.

twoeightnine said...

Yes, but the Patriot has a musket with a bayonet. THAT'S A KNIFE TIED TO A GUN.

Which is only useful for picking the bullet from a six-shooter out of your leg. And arm. And heart. And even then it's kind of hard to keep it steady while you're bleeding to death because you stuck your fucking knife on the end of a gun.

the great bambi said...

@futuremrs.

a bayonet may be a knife tied to a gun but whenever i hold a gun that's a gun tied to a gun, suck on that ray lewis


that said, fuck both of them, two great symbols ruined by their teams

Claude Balls said...

Are we using the same tank from the tiger vs. dolphin match? It's deep enough to drown the cowboy, right?

Just checking.

Dale said...

I've seen Deadwood, and the only thing those people drink is, dirty water, 5 cent whiskey shots, and blood.

Patriots started a war over tea.

Mark said...

Gotta vote for the Patriot here cause he reps Company Flow. El-P is white so I guess its ok.

Grimey said...

Can you do a .357 with a bayonet?

Chris(BessMervinGirlDetective) said...

@Bambi & Future Mrs. -

Somewhere in this episode it talks about how the bayonet is shit and you shouldn't use it. At least I think it's this episode.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=thdRj9SRO2I

futuremrsrickankiel said...

Ahem:

18th and 19th century military tactics included various massed bayonet charges and defenses. The Russian Army used the bayonet the most frequently in any Napoleonic conflict. Their motto was "The Bullet is foolish, the Bayonet wise"

The Patriot is a man of war, sirs. The Cowboy is a jackass on a horse with leather chaps and fruity boots. No contest here.

Comicbook Guy said...

@Chris
Bite Me
Pats
die Cowboys

the great bambi said...

A lot of cowboys were men who'd fought and survived the Civil War so...yeah they were kinda men of war too. And by this point in time in the 19th century the bayonet was useless. Rifling had made firearms much more accurate and deadly and despite generals such as Stonewall Jackson promising to "give them steel," bayonet injuries and deaths were exceedingly rare. Then after the Civil War, cowboys were around, and sissy bayonets didn't scare them.

the great bambi said...

Plus, winter, lice, and disease killed far more Frenchmen than any Russian bayonets.

futuremrsrickankiel said...

You wanna take this outside?

the great bambi said...

is that an offer or a threat?

Pemulis said...

i voted cowboy simply for the hope that he'll end up pitted against either the redskin or the chief

twoeightnine said...

The most frequently used military weapon was also, at one time, a rock.

JoSCh said...

The Patriot is a man of war, sirs. The Cowboy is a jackass on a horse with leather chaps and fruity boots. No contest here.

There it is. I can't quit you Enis.

J said...

@futuremrs
"The Cowboy is a jackass on a horse with leather chaps and fruity boots."

ok FIRST OF ALL

leather chaps and coats and hats are awesome: see the character Charlie Prince in the latest 3:10 to Yuma he's a major badass

there is no second of all, actually

/hates inability to count arguments

futuremrsrickankiel said...

WHATEVER 19-0 BAYBEEEEEE

...fuck.

Vote for the Patriot, you vindictive douches.

the great bambi said...

"The Cowboy is a jackass on a horse with leather chaps and fruity boots."

as opposed to barefooted patriots getting frost bite? i'll take some fruity boots


...and i'm not voting for either JJ and BB can both go get DP'ed

smurphette said...

Can I pretend that Wyatt Earp and Doc Holliday (as portrayed in Tombstone) are cowboys? If so, I vote for them because they are fucking badasses. If not, I am a Constitution nerd and maker of laws, so I have to go with the Patriot.

Animal Mother said...

belt buckles > shoe buckles
six shooters > muzzle loaders
bowie knife > bayonet
chaps = high socks (both gay)

And yet, I can never vote for the Cowboys to win. Go Patriots!

/but reserves his right to future vindictive douche-ing

Tech N9ne's Tribute to Falco said...

I'm pulling for elimintating the Cowboys just so we can get to the ontological fuckstorm that Chiefs v. Redskins would cause.

"But he's a Chief, but a Redskin is way more racist which means white people fear them more."

Where would the "Nigerian Nightmare" Christian Okaye fit in? Does 'redskin' include sunburnt white people in Chantilly?

I need answers.

SRV said...

the patriot got my vote just for the use of "Daaahkie"

David said...

gotta be the sixshooter

Cowboys it is

John said...

My great-grandfather, James L. Shoemake, who was quarter-Cherokee, worked as a ranch hand for a while in far West Texas when he was a young man in the 1890s. Later, he worked for Customs along the Mexican border and fought bandits during the Pancho Villa time; his partner was shot dead beside him. My mom is still in touch with their family.

I'm betting on him against any pussy from Massachussetts.

Tracer Bullet said...

Shit, this is like choosing between AIDS and cancer. Whoever wins almost certainly losses in the second round. Cowboys are dirty, racist assholes. Patriots are dirty, racist assholes. But the Cowboys are divisional rivals and I never want them to win a single fucking thing. Pats it is. Best of all, it'll put me in good with thefuturemrs. in the unlikely event she reads this. Call me, baby.