Monday, March 31, 2008

Homerism Regional Final: No. 1 Jet vs. No. 2 Bear. WHO YA GOT?

Bear:

Represented by the UCLA Bruin. If you're getting a little tired of UCLA winning, as it seems some are, you probably shouldn't vote for the Bear. Bruins also represent that Boston hockey team, and we know what you all think of Boston.

Stephen Colbert has made the bear out to be a "godless killing machine" and the label has caught on. Remember, though - his tongue is firmly planted in cheek as with all other things. The bear is actually quite devout and not very machine-like at all. They're actually pretty lazy creatures.


Jet:

Possesses "smart bombs" that frequently miss targets and kill hordes of civilians. Cost to taxpayer via ridiculously bloated Defense Department budget: a cool $30 million. Only as good as the person flying it, which could be Chad Pennington. F-22 Raptor (pictured) not designed as resistant to bear claws (pastry, nor actual claw).

Like Bear, is able to roll around and do tricks for the amusement of yokels. Unlike Bear, requires "Rock You Like a Hurricane" for production value. Also loses points for failure to bomb the galactically stupid self-aggrandizing dipshit Arianna Huffington.

Voting is closed on this contest. The Bear won with 52 percent of the vote.

29 comments:

westbrook is my anti-drug said...

As an Emo Eagle, I'm voting against the Jet out of spite.

Also, I'm not nearly as tired of UCLA as I am of Kansas or Duke (yay West Virginia), and the Bruins are the dark-skinned foster child of Boston sports (Seeing as being redheaded up there is a badge of honor... ironically enough, the Bruins probably have the least amount of dark-skinned players on them), so the Bear is okay with me.

The Pirate Sloth said...

This post is too highbrow for me.

romolovescock said...

chad pennington sucks

you rock me like a hurricane sucks

arianna huffington is pretty hot for a middle aged woman

im going with bear

smurphette said...

galatically stupid self-aggrandizing dipshit

Nice turn of phrase, and one that promises to be more than a little useful in the nation's capital. Bear all the way.

JAMMQ said...

Blasphemy! This is America, our bombs never miss.

That Chinese embassy had it coming.

Chris(BessMervinGirlDetective) said...

It's 70 degrees here in Nashville. Time to take the t-tops of the IROC-Z , pop in the Scorpions, and go for a cruise.

quiet strength said...

Maureen Dowd's the only affluent, liberal, derisive old white woman for Ape.

Pemulis said...

You had me at 'kill hordes of civilians'

Animal Mother said...

If the jet thinks he can hide from the bear in a tree, he's sadly mistaken.

Also, is the bear coached by a full sized Ditka, or a mini-Ditka?

Otto Man said...

galatically stupid self-aggrandizing dipshit

True. But if you're going to call someone else stupid, try not to misspell the word before it.

J.L. White said...

Anchorman says it is true: Bears are attracted to period blood. Good thing Ms. Huffington's 57-year-old snatch dried up a long time ago. Using her stealth advantage, she climbs in the cockpit, then being the dumb bitch she is, crashes the Jet into the Bear, and all the participants are destroyed. Winner: The rest of us.

/"Rock You Like a Hurricane" boosts the production value for EVERYTHING

chewbacca lowenstien said...

@ animal mother...

Does it even matter?

Nashville Steeler Fan said...

self-aggrandizing is spelled correctly in only 2 cases/1. hip hop, 2 when describing huffington..also passes through my spell check..i will defer to the ape on this

Nashville Steeler Fan said...

ohhhhhhhh..galatically stupid...see http://www.huffingtonpost.com/

Wormfather said...

I dont see any way the bear could win this matchup without a major fuck up on the jet's part. How the fuck is the bear winning?

Winston B. Mcpotsworthy said...

Bear > fleshy living thing. Jet > Bear

DougOLis said...

Oski > Jet > Joe Bruin

Becky said...

Bear arises from slumber because he hears the jet take off in the distance. With the help of the Chief, they conjur up the soul of the Grizzly Man, who was eaten by the aforementioned bear.

Grizzly man's soul rises into the air to protect the bears and dives into the body of jet pilot. The possessed jet pilot then vears off and crashes into a mountain, resulting in a bear victory.

Wormfather said...

@Becky

Thanks alot I'm watching Grizzly Man on my iphone today and I was going to watch the end on my way home, thanks for ruining the ending...bitch.

Drew J said...

Can you really be mad about her ruining a 3 year old movie?

Just an FYI, Michael has Fredo killed after kissing him.

Wormfather said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Wormfather said...

@Becky & Drew j

...and let me add

/sarcasm

of course I know what the ending is...I watched Into the Wild the other day and was mad that he didnt get eaten by a bear so I figured I'd finally watch grizzly man.

I've got 15 minutes left in the movie, a dry napkin and a bottle of lotion ready to go.

SlideShow Bob said...

Its a freaking Jet, how is it possibly losing. Bears hav a hard enough time getting picnic baskets/honey, no way it could deal with a jet.

A Web said...

bears=terrible pick

Niack said...

Mildly interesting note: I was the 666th vote for Jet.

Jackin'4Beats said...

No way the jet loses this one and I hate Mangina and Pennington too.

Hey Bear...you can't win!!!

xtine said...

bear. for suuuuure.

JA3 said...

Obviously, DA BEAR was armed with the Sex Cannon. Jet intakes don't work too well when gummed with 10,000 gallons of cum.

dick_gozinia said...

Bears, 173.

Jets, Negative 12.

Ditka versus God in a game of golf...who wins?

Trick question...Ditka is God.

/continues being the only chicagoan that is not a Bears fan.