Tuesday, March 11, 2008

John Facenda Narrates the Layoff of 21 NFL Films Employees


UNEMPLOYMENT

The very word conjures images of stumblebums, have-nots, Top Ramen and public library internet users. But on this day, it finds itself swaddled around the the chroniclers of gladiators and philosopher-kings.

Under the forbidding skies of a cold, harsh March morn, National Football League Films head man Steve Sabol did meet with 21 of his compatriots for a fateful announcement that would forever change the course of history.

After a long, hard season of agonizing twists and turns, and the unforeseen adversity caused by a nation's terminal indifference to "Inside The NFL," Sabol was faced with the hardest decision… OF HIS CAREER.


Sabol:
This was a really, really, hard decision.

And as Sabol met with his men that day, he steeled himself, much in the way of the storied '70s curtain defense as told in fables by rheumy eyed school children, for the crack of bones and the wrenching of viscera.

The general marched into the camp where twenty-one of his finest men awaited his command. Only his command took of the form of a tersely worded statement that their connection to the army that they spent their livelihoods building...would be torn...ASUNDER.


Mike Johnson, Security Guard: They told me I had to meet with Human Resources, and I thought to myself, "They better have fixed my goddamn vision coverage." Then I saw Sabol was in the office too, and I thought, OH SHIT.

It was here, near the FROZEN SUNDRIES of the 5th floor kitchen, that fate would deal these brave warriors a cruel, losing hand. One by one did the doughty fall prey, having only an uncaring pink slip and their severance pay to show for their years of Herculean toil.

Raymond Tsou, Production Assistant: Dude. It really fucking sucks because, first off, I didn't see this coming and then I don't really have any savings built up and, like, I'm in night school right now too, so I gotta pay for that. And my Xbox Gold membership expires next week. What kind of life is playing the computer?

Woe to he who ventures from the field of battle torn, tested and ultimately turned loose. A pauper in his own kingdom, a stranger in his own mind. He takes it all with him, leaves nothing behind.

They would live to face their wives, but they would do so as lesser men.

15 comments:

flubby said...

I could spend an entire day listening to John Facenda say "Lee.. Roy... Selmon."

BEHM777 said...

I could hear the freaking music in the background...da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da...

smurphette said...

They would live to face their wives, but they would do so as lesser men.
/written by Drew after the most recent episode of Grey's Anatomy.

Grimey said...

/threadjack

Oakland just signed Mike Johnson, Security Guard for 5 years, $33 million

/end threadjack

Zach said...

It needs this:

http://www.islesinfo.com/Equalizer.mp3

Big Daddy Drew said...

What do you get for a drunken co-worker
What do you get for a drunken co-worker
What do you get for a drunken co-worker
Early in the mooorning...

My Insignificant Life said...

Sadly these men, these vast containers of testosterone will no longer be able to afford their $5,000 hookers….they will face the ultimate 15 yard penalty, back to living in their parent’s basements.

wv: frlrrfo

J.L. White said...

It was here, near the FROZEN SUNDRIES of the 5th floor kitchen, that fate would deal these brave warriors a cruel, losing hand.

First of all, great line, Ape. Nothing sounded cooler than John Facenda describing a crushing loss.

Secondly, Chris Berman has forever ruined the "Frozen Tundra" reference, and for that I wish to see him hanged by his own large intestines.

wrecking_ball said...

"I could spend an entire day eating at Lee.. Roy... Selmon's."

Fixed.

/Tampa-area humor

AG said...

Zach:

You are a god, I've been looking for that song my ENTIRE life.

fallex said...

@wrecking_ball:
That is some good shit. Ate there while covering the GT-USF baseball series last year. The table of 4 next to me and my 150 lb. partner was easily pushing 1300 lbs.

oh and:

Layoffs? Layoffs? You kiddin' me? Layoffs? We're trying to film a game and your talkin about Layoffs?

Claude Balls said...

You know, Michael Irvin has got to be. Pissed. Off.

Michael still can't find a broadcasting gig, and John Facenda keeps getting work even though he has been dead for years.

It's racism; that's what it is.

Skunk said...

cold, dude, cold-blooded




(unemployed) Skunk

SlickBomb said...

Great stuff, Ape.

rukrusher said...

Great clip on the Raiders but poor editing by NFL Films, he talks about the black mustache and they show a blonde guy and they talk about hard hits and they show Earl Campbell taking the hit and scoring the TD anyway.