Monday, March 24, 2008

Homerism Regional 2nd Round: No. 2 Bear vs. No. 3 Falcon. A SIDE-TO-SIDE COMPARISON OF SEMI-PERTINENT FACTS FROM WHICH YOU WILL DRAW A CONCLUSION












The second round gets underway with the pairing of the burly, savage bear and the speedy, diminutive falcon. Each has cut its teeth (or beak) in the arena of death, but only one can advance while the other is ground into hot dogs in time for Opening Day. A quick review follows.



Bear

Pro:
-Host of Gentle Ben!
-Climbs trees!
-Noted for prowess in America threatening
-Likeness featured on California flag
-Godless!
-Killing!
-Machine!


Con:
-Possibly hibernating
-Average bear not that smart. Sorry Yogi.
-Inability to kill Christopher Robin
-Polar version shills for Coke

Falcon
Pro:
-Can fly!
-Talons even sharper than Jew claw!
-Benefit of being a raptor without having to wear purple and live in Toronto
-Peregrine Falcon is fastest moving creature on Earth
-This:



Con:
-Diet typically consist of other birds, usually ones old people are feeding
-New kicker Jason Elam has them concentrating on killing religious radicals
-Just a fucking bird


Voting is closed on this contest. The Bear won with 79 percent of the vote.

21 comments:

Wormfather said...

Can the Falcon use techniques like shitting on the bear, bear eating shit and dying?

Also, can the falcon equip it's self with M-80s for bombing runs on the bear?

Upstate Underdog said...

Also, bears can juggle and ride bicycles. I'm not sure if that is a pro or con.

quiet strength said...

Can the bear use techniques like eating bird?

Bring on the jet!

Burrito Bros. Shits said...

Can bears contract and die from bird flu?

Illegal Immigrant said...

I don't know where you pulled that Falcon Force G picture but I'm not ashamed to admit I spent a good portion of my use watching that silly-ass anime show. FYI, from left to right, they're goose, hawk, owl.

jon tayler said...

no gentle ben, no!

brick said...

@ illegal immigrant

Since you watched, maybe you know, why if they are Falcon Force are they named after other birds? And why do they have arrows pointing to their junk?

I don't really care, I just have nothing better to do at work than add stupid comments.

Les Savy Ferd said...

perhaps it was too easy--

There is one other thing that is (or was) a Falcon and is decidedly a Con.

futuremrsrickankiel said...

The bear is kind of waltzing through these preliminary rounds, but I have a feeling it will get its ass handed to it in the final round and leave us all wondering how the hell it got there in the first place.

dickey simpkins said...

@futuremrs

You mean like how they had their Superbowl run a year ago?

MicroscopicElvis said...

Falcon

Pro: Ability to grasp a child trapped down a well firmly in its talons and fly the child to safety.

futuremrsrickankiel said...

Yes, that was the joke...

Joep Smeets said...

does the video that illustrates one of the pros of the falcon suggest that one of its main strengths is that it is easily confused with an eagle?

I'm going for the Bear, and i'm looking forward to the next match-ups.

smurphette said...

Go Mordecai!

The Assman said...

Easy vote after watching Grizzly Man.

klitzman said...

Talk about closing speed. I think I'm going to vote for the falcon just because of that takedown on the deer.

Pemulis said...

Who is driving? Oh my god! Bear is driving car?! How can this be?!

dick_gozinia said...

Death from Above you tiny ass deer!

Man Bear Pig said...

@ pemulis
+ 37 (37?!) for Clerks cartoon reference.

My original vote was falcon, but then I remembered my golden rule for voting ... Simpsons references destroy all.

"Gee Homey, I don't think it's nice to maul Ranger Ned."
"YOU WANT SOME OF THIS?!?!"

Kyle321N said...

Sorry gay mafia, but you should probably use that video for the Eagle-Jet matchup since the title of the film is Falconry with EAGLES

/gets ass beat by gay mafia

Christmas Ape said...

Damned winged impostor