Coach Cowher Always Enjoys Some Goddamn Nachos Whenever He Plays Mini-Golf With His Wife

Some fucking date night this turned out to be. If I knew you weren't gonna show up today, if I KNEW YOU WEREN'T GONNA COMPETE TODAY, THEN WE COULD HAVE JUST STAYED HOME. Now I didn't come all the way out here to Frankie's Fun Park to get embarrassed like this. You're lucky we're playing two rounds today, because that course OWNED YOUR ASS in the first half, and YOU BETTER FIND A WAY TO GET IT TOGETHER before we go back out there.

Did you even READ THE SCOUTING REPORT this week? You tried to hit it under the hippo on 13 when I'VE TOLD YOU ALL FUCKING WEEK THAT HIS TUMMY REACHES THE TURF! Get your HEAD OUT OF YOUR ASS. And three times you went in the water because you didn't take care of the ball. You need to take what the course gives you this second half, because this time you're pulling YOUR OWN FUCKING BALL out of the water. I don't care if your hand does get wet.

[Juts out chin. Chin pokes 9-year-old kid in the eye]

What the hell was that kid doing within 3 feet of my chin? Yeah, why don't you cry about it, you little shit. What kind of mental approach to life is that? Chins are going to come at you from all angles later in life, kid. It's best you learn to overcome adversity while you're young and develop a pattern for success. Show some composure. ACT LIKE YOU'VE BEEN POKED WITH A CHIN BEFORE!

Enough of this shit. If I don't get some goddamn nachos my fucking head is gonna blow off. I always get some goddamn nachos when I play mini golf. And I better get more jalapeños than they have on that sorry poster.

And after I store some of these delicious nachos in my chin, we're going back out there and you're going to redeem yourself for that sorry first half. TAKE CARE OF THE GOLF BALL! This is our game! And we call our game mini-golf, not Putt-Putt. That's a proprietary trademark, and we don't let proprietary trademarks into our house...or, vocabulary!

NOW GET YOUR ASS OUT THERE AND HAVE A GOOD SECOND HALF! I believe you have honors.

Coach Cowher Better Have Some Goddamn Hot Water While His Girls Are Home For Break

Alright ladies, let's bring it in. Bring it in tight. I'm only gonna say this one time. We'd better have a good family break this week, so be prepared. This ain't no picnic. Well, Saturday at the park actually is a picnic, but the rest of it is not! I want clean rooms, clean children, and no burnt suppers. I can get any rookie in her to burn supper for one-tenth of what we're paying you.

I want a clean family this week. If you think we're gonna have a repeat of Christmas this week, the fucking lot of you are in for a rude goddamn awakening. Meagan, if you bring home any more baseball players, I'll sit you this entire week out in the guest room without a second thought. Clean family means soap, you fuckers. Better scrub that shit down good, you get 10 minutes and that's it. I'd better have some goddamn hot water this week or all of you will suffer. And I want PRODUCTIVE showers, too, not a Jerome Bettis shower where you dance in the water and shake hands with the soap. Get it done in there. I want hair, pits, arms, titties, legs, and don't forget the red zone downstairs, which had still better be dick-free. I'm looking at you, Meagan.

[Juts out chin]

We have a short week together, so you better have a system for what you're doing out there. Your mother has been working hard with the staff while you've been gone to get everything ready for this week, so get your craniums out of your anuses and pay attention! We have a lot to accomplish this week: the zoo, dinner at P. F. Changs with Hines, and then the big one with the Youngs on Saturday night. No fucking around this week, we have to get out there and execute!

[Cell phone rings]

This is Bill...Hello Mr. Snyder, good to hear from you again...Well, unless every news report in America is wrong, don't you already have a coach?...Sure, but shouldn't he at least coach one game before you buy his contract out?...Right, right. If I may, I'll be a bit more frank than I was three weeks ago: Suck my asshair through a straw, the answer's still no.

[Hangs up, punches hole through drywall]

That's right, I'm not neglecting my family again until I'm goddamn good and ready. Now get out there and let's have a good break this week. You're dismissed.