Thursday, February 14, 2008

Coach Cowher Better Have Some Goddamn Hot Water While His Girls Are Home For Break

Alright ladies, let's bring it in. Bring it in tight. I'm only gonna say this one time. We'd better have a good family break this week, so be prepared. This ain't no picnic. Well, Saturday at the park actually is a picnic, but the rest of it is not! I want clean rooms, clean children, and no burnt suppers. I can get any rookie in her to burn supper for one-tenth of what we're paying you.

I want a clean family this week. If you think we're gonna have a repeat of Christmas this week, the fucking lot of you are in for a rude goddamn awakening. Meagan, if you bring home any more baseball players, I'll sit you this entire week out in the guest room without a second thought. Clean family means soap, you fuckers. Better scrub that shit down good, you get 10 minutes and that's it. I'd better have some goddamn hot water this week or all of you will suffer. And I want PRODUCTIVE showers, too, not a Jerome Bettis shower where you dance in the water and shake hands with the soap. Get it done in there. I want hair, pits, arms, titties, legs, and don't forget the red zone downstairs, which had still better be dick-free. I'm looking at you, Meagan.

[Juts out chin]

We have a short week together, so you better have a system for what you're doing out there. Your mother has been working hard with the staff while you've been gone to get everything ready for this week, so get your craniums out of your anuses and pay attention! We have a lot to accomplish this week: the zoo, dinner at P. F. Changs with Hines, and then the big one with the Youngs on Saturday night. No fucking around this week, we have to get out there and execute!

[Cell phone rings]

This is Bill...Hello Mr. Snyder, good to hear from you again...Well, unless every news report in America is wrong, don't you already have a coach?...Sure, but shouldn't he at least coach one game before you buy his contract out?...Right, right. If I may, I'll be a bit more frank than I was three weeks ago: Suck my asshair through a straw, the answer's still no.

[Hangs up, punches hole through drywall]

That's right, I'm not neglecting my family again until I'm goddamn good and ready. Now get out there and let's have a good break this week. You're dismissed.

34 comments:

Big Daddy Drew said...

The Cowher family, of course, saves on water bills by washing themselves with spittle.

Ben said...

Stop crying. Stop crying! There is no crying in Cowher Family time!

Francois Leroux Speedskater said...

Better be careful or Hines will give Meagan more than just a smirre.

Christmas Ape said...

P.F. Chang's? Hines onree rike authentic cuisine!

Smitty Lite said...

On three, on three, ready? Break!

the great bambi said...

wait, so they're only meeting hines for PF Chang's? Why not go with him to the zoo too. Hines has big smirre for Misser Birry Goat.


and that Meagan, what a whore, that's no dick-free zone downstairs

quiet strength said...

Why erree on ask me for good Chineese resaurant? I not Chineese, gottamit! I Korean! No smirre!

...

Ok now. Rets go to P.F. Changs...

SlideShow Bob said...

should of gone to city wok

futuremrsrickankiel said...

Ha! I went to school with Meagan Cowher. I wish I had some dirt to contribute, but she was pretty under-the-radar on the social scene.

Hooks Orpik said...

Stellar.

Francois Leroux Speedskater said...

@futuremrs:

High school or college?

I went to high school (and grade school, actually) with some girls who played basketball against her pretty frequently and their only comment was that she was butt-ugly. Haven't really bothered to look for a picture of her to see what she looks like now.

Narts said...

I just imagined this all in the voice of Sgt. Slaughter. He graduated from my high school (although, long before I was born).

There wasn't nearly enough use of the word "maggot", though.

MMP said...

@FLS: You make the call.

futuremrsrickankiel said...

I went to college with her -- only for 2 years. Most of the athletes were in my eating club, including some of her teammates, so I had dinner with her a few times. Nothing negative whatsoever to say about her. My sense was that she sort of deliberately chose to keep herself out of the busier social circles because her dad was so high-profile.

Francois Leroux Speedskater said...

@mmp

Uh, yeah, that's pretty much how they described her. Yikes.

Hines stirr smirre, that what papel bags ale fo.

sides said...

The 10 min shower plan worked really well the entire regular season until they had an easy three hours before their next big get together.

Turns out the Bellichek's, Shanahans and Ross' showed up early to the Cowher home and ruined everything while nearby supporters shook their heads in amazement at the lack of preparation.

/turns on car with garage door closed

MMP said...

FutureMrs was in an eating club?

Do you keep a bag of flour at your bedside?

John S. said...

looks like MMP does not travel in well-heeled circles.

the great bambi said...

no seriously, what is an eating club? is it like a wine tasting club but instead of spitting out the wine they gorge on different foods then go throw it up?

stealofthedraft said...

Eating clubs are a Princeton thing, right?

MMP said...

looks like MMP does not travel in well-heeled circles.

This is actually a surprise to someone?

Pemulis said...

I order the club sandwich all the time, but I'm not even a member, man. I don't know how I get away with it.

/hedberg

futuremrsrickankiel said...

Whoops, sorry to derail the comment thread like that! Yes, they're the Princeton equivalent of the Greek system.

Not to be confused with a feederismclub.

(Or are they...?)

Otto Man said...

looks like MMP does not travel in well-heeled circles.

"Ahoy, polloi!"

Chris(BessMervinGirlDetective) said...

Give me two Utah!


Ahh yes the eating club, how I miss the tiger inn.

paxil pete said...

I think there was some sort of eating club video posted yesterday. Did you go to school in Africa?

Big Tex said...

was coach mangini in the eating club?

Tech N9ne's Tribute to Falco said...

not a Jerome Bettis shower where you dance in the water and shake hands with the soap

"Hey Ironhead? What's with this thingy?"

Kevin said...

The best part of this post for me is that I actually went to high school with the cowher daughters. I am aware of certain unsavory escapades they may have engaged in. I'm not sure that any of them are dick-free. Except lindsay, who struck me as a vacant, friendless shell. I know these cowhers. I even ding-dong ditched that fucker on new years eve. Was it funny? Yes. Was it nessecarily my proudest moment?


Yes.

Brady's a douchebag said...

Meagan...I wouldn't fuck her with Punter's dick.

/Dan Snyder

Jeff V said...

Can't you picture Meagan jutting out her chin and screaming at her future husband "no more blow jobs until this trash gets taken out!"

I think i just described my own personal hell.

Kevin said...

Listen, lauren. When you get in there. IN THAT SHOWER. I want you... to rush. JUST. RUSH. Do what you do.

There's a lotta shit you can't control in there. You drop the soap? You gotta have a short memory. Get on to the next assignment. Get on the body wash and dominate its ass. AND JUST. DO. WHAT. YOU. DO.

And rush. RUSH.


RUSH!

BeckEye said...

Oh, how I miss the chin. And the spit. And the spit dripping down the chin.

BEHM777 said...

When Cowpie jutted out his chin it almost hit me in the freakin' jaw.