Friday, February 22, 2008

This Week’s KSK Mock Draft: Websites We’d Like To See Experience Permanent Tech Support Problems


When the calendar hits April this year, it’ll have been exactly one year since Colin Cowherd, aka Schrutebag, aka Cuntrag, aka Hollow-Faced Fuckwad, ordered a Denial of Service attack on the well-meaning but astonishingly clueless folks over at The Big Lead, provoking a great deal of anger from the United Federation Of Douchebags With Sports Blogs (us included). We were mad as shit. We weren’t gonna take it anymore. And, best of all, we had one more reason to tell Colin Cowherd to spend the leftover money from his divorce settlement on a nice bag of shit to eat.

But let’s face it, we bloggy and webby folks tend to suck each other’s dicks quite a bit. We all get rather pissy at all the back-slappy folks in the MSM for always pallin’ around like a bunch of fruits, but we tend to be just as guilty of such cronyism on occasion.

Time to rectify that chumminess just a bit. Like music, or movies, or any other form of pop culture, there are a whole bunch of shitty ass sites out there, some of them downright fucking infuriating. So let’s use this draft to select a few we’d like to see fall victim to a deadly server hamster mass genocide.

That’s right. It’s Websites We’d Like To See Experience Permanent Tech Support Problems.

The order:
Drew
Ufford
Ape
Punter
Flubby
Maj

The rules:
The site you pick would be shut down forever, and its founders unable to set up shop again anywhere else on the Internet. 2 rounds.

Let’s play the feud!

Round 1, Pick 1 – Drew - Perez Hilton

There isn't a more pathetic wannabe fuckhead anywhere else on earth. And that’s saying a LOT. And look at those Bad MS Paint skills. It’s an insult to Bad MS Painters everywhere.

Round 1, Pick 2 – Ufford - The Big Lead

“What's to dislike most about The Big Lead? Is it the Jackie Harvey cluelessness? The ironic attempt at credibility while staying anonymous? His admission that he puts less effort than he used to into writing posts so that he can churn out more of them and increase his traffic? Nah, I'm gonna go with the final 'question' from his interview with Chuck Klosterman: 'Tell us something interesting'. That site is an insult to people who think.”

But Ufford, TBL isn’t a person. He’s actually a computer program named Rhonda that is programmed to watch all the shows Simmons and Norm Chad like!

Round 1, Pick 3 – Ape - Late Night Shots

“The clearinghouse of vapid hook-up gossip and medium-grade racism from the most privileged dipshit WASPs that Drew didn't go to school with.”

Actually, I probably did go to school with them.

Round 1, Pick 4 – Punter – Wonkette

Punter: This is exactly why the founding fathers never let women vote.

Ape: Well, Wonkette is run by gay dudes now.

Little known fact: gay men contain 85% more snark.

Round 1, Pick 5 – Flubby – Randy Constan aka Peter Pan’s homepage

“Not a hate crime, this guy just gives me the heebie-jeebies”

A Christian Evangelical who dresses like Peter Pan? You don’t say!

Round 1, Pick 6 – Maj – MySpace

“Because I fucking hate teenagers and their worship of assclowns like Dane Cook and Tila Tequila.”

Don’t forget Dashboard Confessional!

Round 2, Pick 7 – Maj – MichelleMalkin.com

“Sure, I could select a corporate entity like Fox News, but Malkin really might be the devil.”

Maj didn’t like “In Defense Of Internment”? Well, I think he’s being a bit biased now, isn’t he?

Round 2, Pick 8 – flubby – NASCAR Role Play

“This site looks like it died on its own, but I'm not willing to risk that some may have survived... the nuclear option is in order”

Yes, but Diecast Dude would still be around.

Round 2, Pick 9 – Punter – Walk Off Walk

“Worst fucking site in existence. Although I could just wait for Iracane and CTC to fuck this up on their own. But like flub said, why risk the wait. (Relax Iracane, it's a plug in hate's clothing.)”

Iracane emailed us about this site with this message:

Iracane: Say what you will about our sport of choice, but we eventually seek to prove that baseball is smarter, funnier, and sexier than your crude game of football.”

Ape: In one snappy URL, you've refuted your whole argument.

Iracane: We were going to name the website "Meaningless Four Hour Orioles-Devil
Rays Game in September" but the URL was unavailable.

Ape: Those games are meaningless regardless of month.

Round 2, Pick 10 – Ape – Ain’t It Cool News

“Responsible! for! exhausting! the! world's! supply! of! exclamation! marks! within! the! next! five! years!”

Indeed. Steal of the draft. Never read a movie review on Ain’t It Cool? You can write one yourself. Just follow this simple format:

1. Open with 1,000 word childhood story
2. Profess love of type of movie genre (“I LOVE musicals. Always had a soft spot in my heart for them!”)
3. 2,500 word story about how you got to the theater
4. Talk about the one time you traded emails with JJ Abrams
5. Profess complete adoration of film you were flown out to

And don’t forget those wonderful Talkbackers: “YOU SHUT UP! Hayao Miyazaki IS A FUCKING GOD!!!!”

Round 2, Pick 11 – Ufford – Pro Football Talk

“Sure, it's essential to a lot of football fans, but Florio's a dick.”

But then how will I know which agents a potential draft pick might be considering?

Round 2, Pick 12 – Drew – ESPN

Forcing them outta business would get all the lazy sports fans onto newer, better sites. Plus, you can read a fucking wire report on any sports site. I don't think anyone will pine for the stylings of Gene Wojochowski once that site is wiped off the face of the Earth.

Honorable mention here to shock sites like Tubgirl, 2girls1cup, and Lemon Party. "Oh, I'm so funny I made you click on Tubgirl!" Congrats, 289 and Lt. Winslow, you're both douchebags.

I’m sure we forgot some. Please enlighten us in the comments. Try and pick just one site, then allow ten other choices to be made before you pick another. Hopefully, I’ll be able to find my own rules this time.

144 comments:

Max said...

The Something Awful home page, but not the actual forums. I like them. The main site is unfunny and stupid.

That, or any site that has anything remotely to do with Bratz dolls. Eugh.

farris said...

TMZ.com. How did that shit get its own TV show?

SlideShow Bob said...

CBS Sportsline, fantasy football has screwed me for the last time. I banish it to hell.

Jackin'4Beats said...

FoxNews.com

Fuck those republican foot-tapping, closeted, gay evangelical dipshits.

Oh and you guys need to fix every link you posted since none of them work - unless you did that on purpose??? Hmmm...

Rob I said...

Those email conversations were private! Cease and desist! Cease and desisssssssssssst!

Hey, great plug, Punter. Even better that you fucked up the HTML.

I choose....Deadspin. Leitch needs a vacation.

Undead Zombie Horde said...

Filmdrunk

I know its With Leather's brethren, but that asshole hates EVERYTHING. There isn't a bit of movie news that he doesn't make a snide fucking comment about. What movies does he like? If he hates everything about movies then why fucking run a movie blog? Dick. Also, the commentators are morons.

Otto Man said...

The Drudge Report

Do you like thinly-sourced gossip? Do you need a middleman for AP wire reports? Do you trust a man who thinks wearing a fedora gives him journalistic credibility? Are you nostalgic for webpage layouts from 1993? Are you a moron?

If you answered yes to any of these, we have a website and a drool cloth for you!

Franklin said...

Facebook - I moved out of state after highschool and college not to be bothered by you.

Greg Schuler said...

This asshole

Of course, if KSK is eligible, then that would get my vote.

Brave Sir Robin said...

@Undead Zombie: He just hates blockbusters. He's ok with a lot of the more serious stuff (There Will Be Blood, No Country for Old Men).

Also, GAWKER, I choose you!

the chief said...

This website doesn't need to just experience tech problems, it needs the records of its users to be identified and hunted for sport:

Who's the Boss Fan Fiction

FTA said...

Huffington Post. Not that I'm arguing that jackin is wrong about Fox. It is a shitty website, and I'm not even talking content. But Huffington is just as biased in the other direction.

JAMMQ said...

ICanHasCheezburger.

I still don't get that shit.

Nashville Steeler Fan said...

http://firedoglake.com/. .go to Hollywood, produce shitty movies, be swindled by crafty directors, write poor me book about your miserable experience...this then makes you an authority on..Politics...

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jane_Hamsher

Jackin'4Beats said...

nymag.com

Who needs alcoholic, drug-addicted freckles?

/pokes eyes out

Jordan Ginsberg said...

ICanHasCheezburger.

I still don't get that shit.


Yeah, it's pretty heady stuff.

What's that, MediaBistro? You want me to buy an AvantGuild membership to read an interview with Will Leitch? If only I hadn't maxed out my VISA ordering that well-greased Polynesian boy. Maybe next time!

Otto Man said...

BlogPoFlaWa!

You boys feel free to waste your ammo on the liberal ones, but I wouldn't vote to shut down any of the conservative blogs. Too much unintentional Grandpa Simpsonesque humor.

Sorry, Maj, not even Our Lady of Perpetual Outrage Michelle Malkin. Where else can I go to see supposedly grown adults stalk and abuse a crippled 12-year-old boy?

OK, besides Thailand?

Undead Zombie Horde said...

@Uff:

I have a love/hate relationship with PFT. I frequent that site everyday, but I realize Florio is a raging cock. He keeps referring to the "Giant Snatch" as the "Shawshank Reception." WTF is that?

quiet strength said...

The Internet! Is that thing still around?

Chris(BessMervinGirlDetective) said...

Wikipedia - yea,yea,yea I know, but if I need any real information it's urbandictionary.com for me.

Franklin said...

Craigslist - Because I got the Clap

RexyBack said...

DanShanoff.com (Sorry Dan!)

The Gator-philiac, aintitcoolnews version of sports blogging

Bill Belichick said...

My choice is ebaumsworld.com because they do not have a single game or movie that THEY created. The worst part of the internet after spam and gross shit like tubgirl is Plagiarism and high seas piracy of other online content. (Although pirating music is still A-OK)

Otto Man said...

For my second pick, I think I'd have to target the Scientology website.

Not because I have anything against them. I just think they're already so insane and paranoid, that a denial of service attack could send them into a Stage 4 Thetan Overload Meltdown.

The resulting Tom Cruise interview alone would be worth it.

Josh said...

nice pick Rexy. I don't despise Shanoff, but his relentless self-promotion is still pretty fucking annoying.

I'm shocked Ufford didn't pick Slate, so I will. They do publish some good writers (I know Shoals has been in there before), but in general I can't stand their constant pointlessly contrarian bullshit (pinnacle: "No Country For Old Men: The Coen Bros' Disappointing Masterpiece"). I'm also convinced Charles P. Pierce is supermike4ever.

futuremrsrickankiel said...


"http://www.pajiba.com/">Pajiba
.

Decent movie reviews still, but the commenters on this site make me want to set fire to every Belle and Sebastian album and bottle of New Zealand shiraz I can get my hands on. There is no type of person I detest more than the arrogant pseudo-intellectual who thinks they're better than everyone else because they don't shop at Wal-Mart and they gave 25 fucking dollars to NPR last month. Yeah, assholes, I read books too, but I also get drunk and watch football and sometimes pass out face down in empty boxes of pizza, and I don't see any conflict there. You don't impress me. If I ever met one of the Pajiba commenters in real life, I'd beat them up and take their lunch money.

Love starting my Friday mornings off with a nice vitriolic rant. Mmm. That goes down smooth.

Bill Belichick said...

"Forcing them outta buisness world would get all the lazy sports fans onto newer better sites".

Amen. My roomate, even though he's a diehard DC sports fan, lives and breathes the Gospel according to Simmons.

"And lo, the NFL is plotting a conspiracy by allowing Chambers to be traded for a second round pick."

He actually defended him for that shit. Un-fucking-believable.

futuremrsrickankiel said...

No idea what I did to that hyperlink tag... crap.

Smello said...

ticketmaster.com

I understand that they serve a useful function, but I hate & despise them and their gouging fees & unending emails & 42 clicks to actually get tickets & the fact that I'm never really sure that those seats were the "best available." Asshats.

farris said...

weather.com

Lewis Black concurs.

Pemulis said...

drunken stepfather. i go there for some boobs, then next thing i know im watching porn at work. shits going to get me fired.

Smello said...

Oh, FutureMrs, what if I only comment periodically & have never heard of Belle & Sebastian? Can I be spared your wrath? Because I feel like we'd get along...and I need my lunch money.

the great bambi said...

nbc/cbs/abc/fox.com

you bastards broadcasting shows online was the big cause of the writers' strike and the abundance of reality tv shit that drives me to just drinking rather than drinking and watching TV you sick sonsabitches

John John The Bastard said...

Newyorkislanders.com

Sorry, but blatant homerism rules my day today.

futuremrsrickankiel said...

Smello, your presence on this site redeems you. Consider your lunch money safe.

Keep the draft going, people! I have so much hate inside me today. Maybe it's the after-effects of all that Cuervo Black I downed last night.

Franklin said...

SportsbyBrooks - Too good for comments brooks? Where did the god damn tits go?

Bill Belichick said...

Second Pick time: wwtdd.com.

BRITNEY! BRITNEY! BRITNEY!

And the commentators make filmdrunk people look like damn poet laureates.

Jordan Ginsberg said...

VillageVoice.com.

That's really just to take out Tom Breihan, though; the rest is collateral damage.

Franklin said...

Pretty weak draft showing today KSK. I am assuming that half of the commentors went searching for shitty sites to pick and got distracted. Which means they are all having their mind rotted away on gawker

1972DavidBowieFromTheZiggyStardustTour said...

tuckermax.com

No explanation needed.

devang said...

NOIS. Their overtly contrarian position on racism gets tiring after a while. Yeah I know that their articles are mostly biting and tongue in cheeek that only the most sophisticated of readers understand. But the constant hammer of racism gets tiring after a while.

Awful Chief said...

smello, you are the only one so far to choose a shitty site that you actually have to go to, so I say you win. Whatever that means.

I'll go with comcast.com

futuremrsrickankiel said...

I'll use my powers of hate for good and say the NAMBLA website. Makes me want to repeal the First Amendment.

Pemulis said...

http://www.bikerfox.com/

DougOLis said...

cuteoverload.com

Otto Man said...

Geico.com

How easy is it now, fuckers?

Big Tex said...

@flubby
i kind of want to piggy back the peter pan pick. 85% of my erectile dysfunction is due to that fucking creep. but ill take, makeoutclub.com. this was myspace before it was facebok before it was friendster before it was deemed uncool to meet 17 year old scene girls for coffee at starbucks only to realize they're actually 14 and were sending you pics of their older sister.

/recieves probation

BEHM777 said...

lashawnbarber.com

If Aunt Jemima wrote a blog...

Bill Belichick said...

Third Pick: Snorgtees.com

Sure the chicks who put on their shirts are "girl next door" type of hot, but slapping an anchorman quote or referencing a Nickelodeon TV show from the 90's gets old fast.

Big Jim Slade said...

SNOPES! Fucking killjoys. I wanted to believe that Chunk from the Goonies was really Fatty Arbuckle's grandson and you RUINED it!

dick_gozinia said...

Entensity.net.

I'm all for fun videos and crap, but that webmaster is one of the most blatantly scummy bastards on earth.

I'd prefer to watch a video of somebody napalming his servers.

Franklin said...

FAFSA.gov
Fuck you mr. student loan man

Pemulis said...

redtube.com

not nearly updated enough, and too many ugly girls, and the search engine for the site has been down for like a month! quit halfassing that shit!

p.s. redtube is nsfw

Jim U. said...

patriots.com

Death to Massholes!!

DougOLis said...

pitchforkmedia.com

Fuck you, you smug, sanctimonious bastards.

Bill Belichick said...

4th and last pick: cracked.com

Used to be great when Jay Pinkerton was the Chief editor. Now its just a bunch of gay list articles.

Weaksauce.

Comicbook Guy said...

postsecret.com

one more crying baby about peeing in the shower and I am gonna hang myself

@futuremrs,
you can have my lunch money anytime

Awful Chief said...

match.com

because if the site died, so would their commercials and hopefully the horrible couples on them

quiet strength said...

For the Massholes:

www.patriots.com
www.boston.com
www.patriotsplanet.net
www.bostonherald.com
redsox.mlb.com
www.bostondirtdogs.com
www.imabigdouchebag.com
www.kkk.org
etc. etc.

futuremrsrickankiel said...

Ooh, good call on Pitchfork Media. I dig their music recommendations sometimes, but they have this way of making me feel stupid when I disagree with their reviews.

I'll take just the Applications function on Facebook. If one more of my goddamn friends sends me a "See Which Spice Girl You Are!" invite, I'm going to flip out.

Wow, who would have thought that websites would be a less compelling draft topic than imaginary sex?

futuremrsrickankiel said...

quiet strength, don't forget MatchingSox.com :) I love what assholes we are.

BEHM777 said...

www.gop.com

For obvious reasons...

Upstate Underdog said...

usatoday.com, their website is actually shittier than their newspaper.

Greg said...

38pitches.com

I'm a red sox fan and I still can stand the pompous asshole that is Curt Schilling ... unless he is pitching

mamacita said...

I second all of Otto's picks.

devang said...

following awful chief's lead:

eharmony.com

Hey Neal Clark Warren, go shove the 90 areas of compatibility up your ass. Ugh

Greg Schuler said...

orbat.com

It makes me so mad - that is not the up to date Myanmar TO&E, you worthless bastard.

BEHM777 said...

www.anncoulter.com

Ann Coulter is THE reason for the word "B!TCH". Leona Helmsley was pleasant by comparison.

Awful Chief said...

great pick, devang. eharmony is the worst of the lot

the great bambi said...

salesgenie.com

hines wahd give dem no smirre

mamacita said...

Good magazine. The articles are bad enough, but the commenters are a whole new level of insufferable. "Yes, but what about the sustainability..." wah wah wah. Fuck you in the Moby hole.

John John The Bastard said...

ASU.EDU, you with me Maj?

Again, blatant homerism, I feel like today has it's own "I could do this all day tag"

LOV2H8 said...

Adult Friend Finder

It gave me the clap, and it cost me $19.95/month.

John John The Bastard said...

Oh and a nice little simpson's quote to go with my pic
"Heaven must be easier to get in to than Arizona State" - Ned Flanders.

dick_gozinia said...

sports.aol.com/fanhouse

Michael David Smith is a fucking idiot. Screw fanhouse...you either seriously report on sports or you hilariously mock them. It fails on both ends.

Undead Zombie Horde said...

@behm777: this is KSK. You know you can actually spell out the word "bitch" here, right? Just saying...

Bobby Steels said...

usairways.com

Goddamn! Buy one shitty ticket in an emergency, recieve worse service than at a 3rd world plastic surgeon's, and then get 4 e-mails a day for the rest of your life despite repeatedly taking yourself off of the mailing list. Holy shit, I dont remember my 9-million digit customer number. This is where I would threaten some violent act on those fucks, but I'm pretty sure that the only way the FBI investigates terrorism is by looking for online "chatter". I'm too pretty for jail, they use people like me as currency!

Undead Zombie Horde said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
JAMMQ said...

Collegehumor.com

That shit is only funny to people whiter than Ufford in a snowstorm.

Greg said...

HillaryClinton.com

I think this needs no explantion

the great bambi said...

@ dick_gozinia

fuck michael david smith indeed, he's about as smug as belichick and has zero reason to be, smarmy little fuck

Upstate Underdog said...

@quiet strength, you forgot redsoxnation.com

BEHM777 said...

www.billoreilly.com

I bet if Ray Lewis stabbed Mr. Bill, a freakin' tsumani of Massengil would spew forth.

@undead zombie horde

Yeah, I know. I coudn't remember how to spell "cunt".

Pemulis said...

egotastic. sure theres boobs, but theres no substance - who writes that shit, a boring robot with a wiener?

Otto Man said...

I second all of Otto's picks.

Thanks, mamacita. When the tech revolution comes, I'll make sure you still have access to the intertubes.

Otto Man said...

Ann Coulter is THE reason for the word "B!TCH". Leona Helmsley was pleasant by comparison.

If you feel that way, you're going to love this.

NSFkeepingyourlunchdown.

Upstate Underdog said...

@behm777, I see a trend developing with your picks.

let me guess, next selection: nationalreview.com ?

John John The Bastard said...

1-18-08.com, Really all that, for a kind mutant grasshopper?

whowillsexmutombo? said...

www.rosie.com

Because middle aged women in the fly over states should not be allowed to try using the internet. They're just going to hurt themselves.

Big Tex said...

second pick: pornstarbook.com.
now i spend countless hours on this and actually love this site more than macallan cask strength, but cmon, they haven't updated the kobe tai section in over a year. horseshit i say!

Otto Man said...

let me guess, next selection: nationalreview.com ?

Nooooo! You can have the Comedy Corner when you pry it from my cold dead hands!

Kenneth Griggs said...

I hope Perez Hilton and everyone featured on the show and anyone who watches the show gets AIDS. And not the friendly, live-for-20-years-after-diagnosis-American AIDS but the relentless, merciless, die-three-months-after-diagnosis-African AIDS.

Once this happens, most of the other sites on your list will disappear from lack of Shrutes hitting them up.

futuremrsrickankiel said...

With my final pick, I take The Onion Personals. I love everything else about The Onion, but those "I'm trying so hard to be edgy" Personals of the Day that pop up next to my reading material drive me bananas. Ooh, you read Kerouac? Congratufuckinglations, you went to high school.

Upstate Underdog said...

clownswithoutborders.org

Matt said...

DailyKos.com...Fucking Commies.

AskJeeves. Because that guy just looks like a douchebag..kind of like Pats fans. We can still make fun of Pats fans right???

Leaking Geek said...

glennbeck.com

"We're (right-wing talk)entertainers."

Umm, douchebag.

LOV2H8 said...

falloutboyrocks.com
Fuck them, the mascara they wear, and every teenage girl from Orange Co.

BEHM777 said...

@ otto...if I was at work today, I would have been fired for laughing so hard.

@ upstate...Rush was next, THEN the National Review.


www.rushlimaugh.com

Why? because I can't stand lying, obese, repressed homosexchildren, that is why!

Dewey Hammond said...

Brilliant.

devang said...

@matt

Ooooh, that would have been my 1st pick if I wasn't strung out on antibiotics.

That being said, any jihadist website. I didn't know animals could compose websites.

dick_gozinia said...

I can't believe www.oprah.com is still around. Send some goddamn stinger missiles over there right now.

Oprah's support makes me not want to vote for Obama. But I just can't resist my "get out of racism free" card.

Pemulis said...

I can't wait for something other than perez hilton's mug to be atop this page

BEHM777 said...

www.parishilton.com

Vacuousness defined...

My Insignificant Life said...

www.barackobama.com

No fackin dahkies allowed on the web.

Otto Man said...

@ otto...if I was at work today, I would have been fired for laughing so hard.

Did you see the article they had yesterday saying we needed to investigate if Obama's parents were commies because only commies had interracial marriages in the 1960s?

Man, I'm still chuckling over that one.

John John The Bastard said...

Every once in a while I feel dumb by looking at the comments on this site. Damn me an my apathetic views on current events.

In that vein I pick TVgasm.com I want to watch TV not have the events that transpired in fictional prgrams retold to me in print form.

BEHM777 said...

www.weeklystandard.com

The Neocon's Newsweek.

@otto...I haven't seen that article yet, but I am not surprised.

Undead Zombie Horde said...

@behm777

There ya go! Don't you feel better now?

ben said...

McSweeneys.

Eggers and the gang are riding on smug fumes at this point.

dick_gozinia said...

Slated for destruction immediately:

MTV.COM

If we could just find a way to get them the fuck off television too, we'd be in business. Nothing in life pissed me off worse than when they started MTV2 and tagged it as the "all music 24x7" channel.

Know what's on there now? The Hills reruns and fucking Laguna Beach.

Suck a bag of dicks, MTV.

My Insignificant Life said...

www.americanidol.com

perhaps the steal of the draft???

Marmatard said...

I like Deadspin for its columns, but not for the regular commenters with their constant circlejerks and desperate attempts to post a witty one-liner so another dipshit can reply to it with EL OH EL PLUS ONE.

N.J.G said...

mixtapepass.com

stealing my money is not funny, i made an account and now the sign in fucntion brings be back to the homepage. just let me by my freaking music, im trying to not download it so that the artists keep making it and ure (website) is stealing my money. No wonder i use limewire now.

LOV2H8 said...

@ behm777
You're forgetting johngibson.com. He making a run at becoming the biggest dipshit on FoxNews. Truly a daunting task.

dick_gozinia said...

On snap! How the hell did I forget my most hated site on these here interwebs.


www.thighswideshut.org

I hate everything about that stupid site. I hate it so much, I broke the "wait 10 picks" rule.

Zeitgeist Break said...

ebay.com

Fuck those guys. Do you realize there is not a phone number for eBay? If you have a problem where some scammy fucks buy your shit and tell you to ship it to Nigeria where their son lives, you can't just call eBay and tell them to give you your money back because you got the shitty bold print for 50 cents and now you have to pay for it again, only to have the same fucks buy your shit and tell you to ship it to Madagascar, then you send ebay an e-mail cause that's the only way to get a hold of them, and they never answer you? Fuck ebay right in it's hairy little asshole, I'll take craigslist any day of the week.

Zeitgeist Break said...

Oh, and a massive tipping of the hat to jammq - fuck collegehumor.

Ken Dynamo said...

gometsdiebraves.blogspot.com because it is run by a self promoting homosexual.

H Cuz said...

petitiononline. Putting aside the Patriots idiocy, there's a lot of stupid shit on there, and online petitions never work anyway.

ASmith said...

The PETA website.

I can find your advertisements of woment that would rather go naked than wear fur elsewhere. Thank you.

In addition, I like meat. Your dickishness isn't swaying anybody's opinions, especially mine.

Jackin'4Beats said...

BET.com

Fuck you Viacom for making the flyover states think that all of us act like Flo rida, Birdman and all those project hodrats from Miami.

And fuck you Bob Johnson for selling your soul to make a billion dollars.

/soapbox

BEHM777 said...

@ jackin'

Good call. I hate BET, but I ain't mad at Bob for making $3 billion. I am mad at him for letting his ex-wife scam him out of half of it.

@ undead

Yes, I feel better. LOL!

@ luv2h8

Yeah, John Gibson needs the Ray Lewis Treatment.

WillyFourEyes said...

@jackin'4beats: Word...much word.

Also, a kick in the face to the following:

www.carlosmencia.com
www.danecook.com

Leave stand-up comedy to people who know how to do it right. Idiots.

dickey simpkins said...

Dammit, I can't believe I missed out on a chance to be the first person to hate on Film Drunk and WWTDD. I actually don't mind ESPN, it's fairly easy to get scores and whatnots, but I'm all for banning Page 2 and sportsguy.com. Need a racial spin on every single sporting event? Well, fuck you Scoop and Jemele, go back to 1st and 10 and bitch with Skip Bayless. Fuck you Bill Simmons, you know nothing about rap, listening to it at parties where you got ugly NE ass doesn't make you an expert on anything besides being a slutbucket. TMQ can choke on his own sense of self worth.

dickey simpkins said...

Also, I love Free Darko, but seriously please have a caption for idiots like me for those damn pictures. Like, "this is symbolic of this, I am white, but you can't tell by my writing, etc."

WillyFourEyes said...

@dickey simpkins:

Ugh...Scoop...they let Jason Whitlock and David Aldridge go, but ESPN kept that guy? Certainly some suit there needs a good talking to, followed by several repeated kicks in the face.

Another surefire candidate for "DoS bombing": jamster.com, and everything associated with it, if only for unleashing the monstrosity that is Crazy Frog onto the universe. No, I don't want your stupid ringtones or wallpapers. No, I don't want to see your ads on every freakin' commercial break.

dick_gozinia said...

My last candidate for server sledge-hammering:

www.riaa.com

So you downloaded Metallica's "Crash Course in Brain Surgery" from napster in 1999?

We're gonna sue you for $34,000 dollars because Lars Ulrich needs another fucking pool at his mansion.

Today, you can go to their website and read their August 2007 report entitled, "The CD: A Better Value Than Ever".

Go die in a fire, RIAA.

Daniel said...

Ugh. I hate freedarko. A bunch of white hipsters sharing their black fetishism with the rest of the world by building up weird mythologies around pro basketball players and they got a book deal out of it. They are to hoops what Pitchfork is to music.

If that's what they want to do, to each his own, but it's irritating to read people refer to them as some sort of authorities or experts on the NBA. Their expertise seems to be limited to 5,000 word incoherent essays about the metaphysical significance of Amare Stoudemire's neck tattoos. Die.

dickey simpkins said...

Also, die in hell facebook.com. That website turns even the most sane of people into stalkers.

Dirty Hairy said...

As a Filmdrunkard, the only thing i can say is that we are equal opportunity haters there, and if anyone doesn't like it, they can whine on KSK about it.

Lord knows they wouldn't be brave enough to say anything at FD about it because we would hand you your ass on a silver platter in a New York minute.

Lance said...

I'm not going to defend my alleged hatred of everything, because hey, it's mostly true; or the intelligence of my commenters, because I don't write those. But I will agree with the guy who chose Ain't It Cool News. They make me die on the inside.

Lance Martini (FilmDrunk) said...

Oh, and in further response to Undead Zombie Horde...

There isn't a bit of movie news that he doesn't make a snide fucking comment about.

Duh. That’s sort of the point.

What movies does he like?

See: http://filmdrunk.com/post.phtml?pk=893

But whatever, liking stuff is for fags.

Tracer Bullet said...

Can't argue with PFT or Michelle Malkin, even though I would fuck her in any hole she offered including her nose and ears.

www.newsarama.com

I like comic books too, but these window-lickers take that shit way too seriously.

Amare said...

So . . . who did TBL fuck?

Ufford's mom? Or his sister?

Amare said...

Still, when I think about Gabriela, or when I stumble across a photo of her in a magazine ad or photo series, I don’t think about how or why it ended. I don’t think about the sex or conversations or time we shared, or her lack of interest in books, or her genuine, misguided sweetness. I’m not disappointed, because it may as well have never happened. For me, Gabriela will always be walking away from me for the first time, her intoxicating scent dissipating, turning into the high hopes of possibility, my mind and muscles filling with the electric energy of what might be as the dark world opened up into the shining cityscape of New York.

HadesGigas said...

sorry, have to say shanoff

It's the "look at me thinking outside the box" bullet point style that makes me shudder.

He's always been boring, but what do I know. I can't barely read.

larry b said...

+1 to marmatard for his Deadspin comment way up there.

(No, seriously, I really don't like the commenters there either. I just wanted to try to be clever about agreeing... fuck it, no one's going to come back and read this anyways.)

Undead Zombie Horde said...

ooo snap yo! You would totally rip me apart via commentating. My sense of self-worth would go right out the window. chode.

The Farthammer said...

Head's up, UZH. Dirty Hairy is huge, and he'll tell you so if you threaten him.

Whatever, Hairy. I've seen your picture; fatter than Rosie O'Donnell.

Klotch said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Unemployed Journalist said...

GET

ZWINKY

Chip Fu said...

you gotta love all the sports blog commentors putting internet dating sites on their hate lists.

hell hath no fury like a commentor scorned.

Greg said...

I'd like to disable deadspin's commentators. After meeting some of the "commentators" at Will's book signing, I'm confident in saying most are more suited for Star Wars blogging.

The Unreliable Narrator said...

http://www.ihatethis.org/

Too cheap for therapy.