When the calendar hits April this year, it’ll have been exactly one year since Colin Cowherd, aka Schrutebag, aka Cuntrag, aka Hollow-Faced Fuckwad, ordered a Denial of Service attack on the well-meaning but astonishingly clueless folks over at The Big Lead, provoking a great deal of anger from the United Federation Of Douchebags With Sports Blogs (us included). We were mad as shit. We weren’t gonna take it anymore. And, best of all, we had one more reason to tell Colin Cowherd to spend the leftover money from his divorce settlement on a nice bag of shit to eat.
But let’s face it, we bloggy and webby folks tend to suck each other’s dicks quite a bit. We all get rather pissy at all the back-slappy folks in the MSM for always pallin’ around like a bunch of fruits, but we tend to be just as guilty of such cronyism on occasion.
Time to rectify that chumminess just a bit. Like music, or movies, or any other form of pop culture, there are a whole bunch of shitty ass sites out there, some of them downright fucking infuriating. So let’s use this draft to select a few we’d like to see fall victim to a deadly server hamster mass genocide.
That’s right. It’s Websites We’d Like To See Experience Permanent Tech Support Problems.
The site you pick would be shut down forever, and its founders unable to set up shop again anywhere else on the Internet. 2 rounds.
Let’s play the feud!
Round 1, Pick 1 – Drew - Perez Hilton
There isn't a more pathetic wannabe fuckhead anywhere else on earth. And that’s saying a LOT. And look at those Bad MS Paint skills. It’s an insult to Bad MS Painters everywhere.
Round 1, Pick 2 – Ufford - The Big Lead
“What's to dislike most about The Big Lead? Is it the Jackie Harvey cluelessness? The ironic attempt at credibility while staying anonymous? His admission that he puts less effort than he used to into writing posts so that he can churn out more of them and increase his traffic? Nah, I'm gonna go with the final 'question' from his interview with Chuck Klosterman: 'Tell us something interesting'. That site is an insult to people who think.”
But Ufford, TBL isn’t a person. He’s actually a computer program named Rhonda that is programmed to watch all the shows Simmons and Norm Chad like!
Round 1, Pick 3 – Ape - Late Night Shots
“The clearinghouse of vapid hook-up gossip and medium-grade racism from the most privileged dipshit WASPs that Drew didn't go to school with.”
Actually, I probably did go to school with them.
Round 1, Pick 4 – Punter – Wonkette
Punter: This is exactly why the founding fathers never let women vote.
Ape: Well, Wonkette is run by gay dudes now.
Little known fact: gay men contain 85% more snark.
Round 1, Pick 5 – Flubby – Randy Constan aka Peter Pan’s homepage
“Not a hate crime, this guy just gives me the heebie-jeebies”
A Christian Evangelical who dresses like Peter Pan? You don’t say!
Round 1, Pick 6 – Maj – MySpace
“Because I fucking hate teenagers and their worship of assclowns like Dane Cook and Tila Tequila.”
Don’t forget Dashboard Confessional!
Round 2, Pick 7 – Maj – MichelleMalkin.com
“Sure, I could select a corporate entity like Fox News, but Malkin really might be the devil.”
Maj didn’t like “In Defense Of Internment”? Well, I think he’s being a bit biased now, isn’t he?
Round 2, Pick 8 – flubby – NASCAR Role Play
“This site looks like it died on its own, but I'm not willing to risk that some may have survived... the nuclear option is in order”
Yes, but Diecast Dude would still be around.
Round 2, Pick 9 – Punter – Walk Off Walk
“Worst fucking site in existence. Although I could just wait for Iracane and CTC to fuck this up on their own. But like flub said, why risk the wait. (Relax Iracane, it's a plug in hate's clothing.)”
Iracane emailed us about this site with this message:
Iracane: Say what you will about our sport of choice, but we eventually seek to prove that baseball is smarter, funnier, and sexier than your crude game of football.”
Ape: In one snappy URL, you've refuted your whole argument.
Iracane: We were going to name the website "Meaningless Four Hour Orioles-Devil
Rays Game in September" but the URL was unavailable.
Ape: Those games are meaningless regardless of month.
Round 2, Pick 10 – Ape – Ain’t It Cool News
“Responsible! for! exhausting! the! world's! supply! of! exclamation! marks! within! the! next! five! years!”
Indeed. Steal of the draft. Never read a movie review on Ain’t It Cool? You can write one yourself. Just follow this simple format:
1. Open with 1,000 word childhood story
2. Profess love of type of movie genre (“I LOVE musicals. Always had a soft spot in my heart for them!”)
3. 2,500 word story about how you got to the theater
4. Talk about the one time you traded emails with JJ Abrams
5. Profess complete adoration of film you were flown out to
And don’t forget those wonderful Talkbackers: “YOU SHUT UP! Hayao Miyazaki IS A FUCKING GOD!!!!”
Round 2, Pick 11 – Ufford – Pro Football Talk
“Sure, it's essential to a lot of football fans, but Florio's a dick.”
But then how will I know which agents a potential draft pick might be considering?
Round 2, Pick 12 – Drew – ESPN
Forcing them outta business would get all the lazy sports fans onto newer, better sites. Plus, you can read a fucking wire report on any sports site. I don't think anyone will pine for the stylings of Gene Wojochowski once that site is wiped off the face of the Earth.
Honorable mention here to shock sites like Tubgirl, 2girls1cup, and Lemon Party. "Oh, I'm so funny I made you click on Tubgirl!" Congrats, 289 and Lt. Winslow, you're both douchebags.
I’m sure we forgot some. Please enlighten us in the comments. Try and pick just one site, then allow ten other choices to be made before you pick another. Hopefully, I’ll be able to find my own rules this time.