Thursday, February 21, 2008

Welcome Back To The Radio Show For 50 Year Olds Who Don’t Get Out Enough


(cue “Hey Jude” by The Beatles)

Tony: What song is this? Is this Jim Croce? Wait, I know this…

(gets to “na na na” part)

Tony: Oh, it’s “Hey Jude”! Of course it is. It must be Paul McCartney’s birthday today. The Beatles, of course, (clears throat) were founded in Liverpool, a town I have never been to and will never go to for as long as I live.

(everyone in the studio laughs for no reason)

Tony: The Beatles, as you know, were VERY, VERY popular here in the United States, what with Beatlemania and all. (clears throat) Then they went to India and started meditating (clears throat) and then everything just went right to hell.

(everyone in the studio laughs for no reason)

Tony: Wilbon, were you a Beatlemaniac?

(cue Wilbon on the phone)


Wilbon: Was I a Beatlemaniac? No, no I was not a Beatlemaniac. Beatlemaniacs were little girls who went and screamed their heads off outside the airport when the band landed. I had no interest in any of that junk. Not for me.

Tony: Where are you right now, Wilbon?

Wilbon: Where am I? I am in Maui for a golf tournament. You knew that, Tony.

Tony: So you haven’t been here (clears throat) to digest this whole drawn-out search for Jim Zorn, the new Redskins coach? Ol’ Zorny?! HOW CAN YOU MISS OL’ ZORNY?!

(everyone in the studio laughs for no reason)

Wilbon: No, I was not around for that. I was far, far away from that, and happily so. I’m just so glad I was in Maui playing golf during this whole silliness, Tony. You know me. I am an IN-SEASON guy. None of the hot stove silliness. I don’t CARE about who’s coaching the team, even if my readers do. I’m not here to serve them. I just want to see the players play and the coaches coach. I don’t care how they got there. I don’t want to know what their back story is. I don’t want to know any sort of human element behind the competition. That’s just a bunch of JUNK for all the crazed goons who listen to talk radio and all that nonsense. Anyone who’s interested in the machinations of their team is just a fool and not fit to read a newspaper. I would like to treat them with complete and utter disdain, because I am an important person who talks about important issues, which in turn makes me more important than normal people.

Tony: Okay, well screw all that anyway. (clears throat) The important thing is, DID YOU WATCH IDOL?! HAVE YOU SEEN THIS DAVID ARCHULETA KID?!

Wilbon: No, I have certainly NOT. I’m not into Idol, Tony. You know that. It’s nothing but a bunch of junk and foolishness. I don’t care for this whole reality TV business, with people making asses of themselves on TV. It’s ridiculous, and I am so far above it all, I can hear the prayers of all the small children of the world when they go to bed at night. By the way, I look forward to us wearing cop uniforms on PTI later today.

Tony: Me too. Thank you, Wilbon!

Wilbon: Thanks, Tony.

Tony: Michael Wilbon, boys and girls. Golfing in Maui. (clears throat) I’d like to golf in Maui. But I can’t go! I CANNOT go. I can NOT go to Maui. Ever.

(everyone in the studio laughs for no reason)

Tony: Eugene Robinson, political columnist for the Post is with us now (clears throat) to talk about the election. Eugene, rough night for Hillary, huh?


Eugene: It certainly was, Tony. And you know what I found fascinating was that the exit polling data showed a growing number of…

Tony: Yeah, yeah, screw all that. The important thing is: DID YOU WATCH IDOL?!

Eugene: Well, no. I’m a political reporter, and had to work during the course of the evening. But I did get a chance to see David Archuleta, and he was…

Tony: He was great! He was GREAT! I mean, (clears throat) he is by no means Barry White, but I thought (clears throat) he was just FABULOUS!

Eugene: But other than that, I had to watch the election returns.

Tony: Wonderful. Thank you, Eugene.

Eugene: Talk to you later, Tony.

Tony: Yeah, I’m liking this season of Idol.

WaPo-Appointed Studio Lapdog For Tony: It’s not bad.

Tony: They’re not a bad group, right? Of course, (clears throat) it’s easy to top last year’s Idol, (clears throat) which was just a TERRIBLE, TERRIBLE season. It was just a bunch of DOPES. Probably all back working at Chuck E. Cheeses by now.

(everyone in the studio laughs for no reason)

Tony: I’m sorry, but it’s true. I’M CYNICAL! I’M SARCASTIC! Who do we have on the phone next. Is it you, Junior?


John Feinstein: Hey, Tony. Hey, do you know if I left a pair of brown suede gloves at your house the other night?

Tony: Hmm. I don’t recall seeing them.

John Feinstein: I think I left them on the table in entranceway. They were very simple brown suede gloves. Did you see them?

Tony: Oh, I think I may have! How do you want (clears throat) to arrange for picking them up?

John Feinstein: Well, if you could simply leave them by the door, somewhat off to the side, perhaps obscured by a bush, that would be fabulous. Oh, and did your wife get the cassoulet recipe from my wife?

Tony: I believe she did.

John Feinstein: Great, great. Did you still need help moving that desk at your house?

Tony: Well, let me explain what happened with the desk. I, (clears throat) as you know, CANNOT fix anything.

(everyone in the studio laughs for no reason)

Tony: Can’t fix anything at all. Anyway, (clears throat) we have this lovely desk that my wife found at a consignment shop. Very gorgeous, hand-crafted. Anyway, we had to move it (clears throat) so that the contractors could install the toilet. So anyway…

(cut to 90 minutes later)

Tony: …so the desk can’t be moved. Are we still on the air? You know, (clears throat) I completely forgot we were talking to some sort of audience. Anything else you want to add, Junior?

John Feinstein: Buy my new book, “Living on the Black”. I know Coach K. George Bush is a prick. I have several extremely liberal viewpoints. Army-Navy is an unmatched tradition in sports. Random golf anecdote. I wish Georgetown would play in my charity basketball tourney, but John Thompson is a dick. Bob Knight is an asshole. We need to get rid of guns in this country. Did you know I write books for children too? I think Gary Williams is exasperated about something.

Tony: Okay, thank you, Junior!

John Feinstein: I really wish you’d stop calling me that. It’s fucking annoying.

Tony: Joe Barber joins us now with movie reviews. Joe, are you gearing up for Oscar season?

Joe Barber: I am indeed!

Tony: DID YOU WATCH IDOL?!

Joe Barber: No, but this is a very good time to revisit some of the films up for Best Picture at the Oscars.

Tony: Who’s the host this year? Is it that Jon Hewitt?

Joe Barber: Jon Stewart, host of “The Daily Show”

Tony: Okay, well (clears throat) I saw him once. He’s a DOPE. Just horribly, horribly unfunny. Terrible comedian.

(everyone in the studio laughs for no reason)

Joe Barber: Okay.

Tony: So, tell me about some of these movies.

Joe Barber: Well, there’s “No Country For Old Men”, which is from the Coen Brothers.

Tony: Okay now, who are they?

Joe Barber: They’re very prominent directors.

Tony: Well, tell me about this movie.

Joe Barber: Okay. Well, Josh Brolin plays a sort of ne’r do well who finds this bag of money out in the middle of nowhere in Texas, and then (proceeds to give away entire plot and ending of film).

Tony: Now, should I go see this movie?

Joe Barber: Probably not, now that you know everything that happens.

Tony: I see. Is this the movie with the guy with the haircut? I have not seen it and I’m quite sure (clears throat) I would hate it and that it is a terrible, terrible movie. And I’m sure these Cogan Brothers (clears throat) are just a couple of DOPES.

Joe Barber: Actually, it’s quite a good film. Have you watched a movie within the past four decades?

Tony: Thank you, Joe!

Joe Barber: Thank you, Tony.

Tony: Joe Barber, boys and girls. I received a very nice letter in the mail from Janice Thompson of Frederick, Maryland today. (clears throat) It’s a very nice, very lovely card. And she sent me a very nice box of glazed apricots, which was also very nice. (clears throat) So thank you, Janice. I will eat them while I look at my new desk, which CANNOT be moved.

(everyone in the studio laughs for no reason)

Tony: I’m Tony Kornheiser, and this is 3WT Radio.

(clears throat)

51 comments:

Fake Bob Dylan said...

This is Tony K. for Death Star Radio.

/hurtful.

Jackin'4Beats said...

Not quite as long as the Jamboroo but just as funny. I thought Tony was gurgling Dreamboat's jizz?

Bill Belichick said...

Wilbon went on a two minute rant on how evil Belichick was on PTI two weeks ago, so he will be forever be in my graces.

Until of course he finds about KSK and rants in a column about how "evil" you guys are for actually fighting back against an old fogey columnist like himself.

Oh, and Kornhieser sucks. Anyone who watches nothing but reality TV is an idiot.

Bill Belichick said...

By the way,
/severe insomnia

douglas said...

CLAP CLAP CLAP!

JAMMQ said...

Just another reason why D.C. sux . . ., although it's not like listening to Mike & the Mad Dog talk about Andy Pettite and St. John's basketball is much better.

Dying mediums indeed.

(sending KSK a letter)

(protesting slashies)

Greg Schuler said...

Andy Polley!

Top notch, by the way. But wouldn't Nigel say something, or does he not talk in this version of TK Radio?

SCS said...

I don't know this Eddie Jordan. I know Michael Jordan! I know the country of Jordan! I know other people and things coincidentally named Jordan that were last relevant 20 years ago!

Ben said...

never listened to the show but this is gold, jerry, gold!

i smell new recurring feature...

Chris(BessMervinGirlDetective) said...

Now lets throw it over to stat boy to see what Drew messed up.

smurphette said...

Inside the Beltway jokes make me smile :)

Unsilent Majority said...

It is possible to love TK's show and this post.

Pale Writer said...

...for the record, David Archuletta is pretty good. He can probably tackle better than his retarded brother, Adam, too.


/apologizes to retards for comparing them to Adam Archuletta.

Otto Man said...

Beautifully done.

I love Eugene Robinson, but there was a joke in there about his Kermit-the-Frog voice that you let pass by.

Awful Chief said...

List of great posts:
1) This one

THAT'S IT, THAT'S THE LIST. Am I wrong on this? (exhales loudly)

18-1 said...

Wilbon: Who am I Tony?

Tony: You are Mike Wilbon. You are an angry black sports columnist not names Jason Whitlock. You often pretend to like Chicago sports teams to engender yourself to the masses, but your "fan-leanings" come off as contrived and pedestrian. You feel superior to all others, and certainly saw this question coming... Here's my question for you. Should we hold Michael Vick responsible for his actions when they are the product of his socialization within the poor black neighborhoods and gang atmosphere prevalent in places like Newport News, Virginia and the Virginia Tech football team?

Wilbon: Absolutely. Look at me. I'm black. I'm awesome. I grew up in Cabrini Green and made it out of the hood, and now speak with the accent of the king's court. If I can do it, certainly an athletic black quarterback with a penchant for weed and dog fighting can do it as well.

Josh said...

am I the only one who gets more and more irritated every day by Tony's voice on PTI? (don't know if he does this on the radio). anytime he has to say anything even remotely serious, he puts on this fucking quiet bedside voice like he's a doctor having to tell someone their kid's got leukemia or some shit. drives me insane.

bfreakin3 said...

This is good, but anything involving Eugene Robinson should probably have a "I want to set the record straight: I thought the cop was a prostitute" joke or tag or something.

the great bambi said...

no mention of wilbon's intense hatred for the NFL Draft? Only thing worse than the hot stove is that stupid draft that'll have no impact on any team ever

futuremrsrickankiel said...

not so much throat clearing as loud swallowing

Help me. I want to make a dirty joke with this, but there's almost TOO much to work with here.

(that's what she said)

Big Daddy Drew said...

anytime he has to say anything even remotely serious, he puts on this fucking quiet bedside voice like he's a doctor having to tell someone their kid's got leukemia or some shit

That is SO true.

Phony Gwynn said...

Has John Feinstein written anything remotely readable since 1990?

That twinkhound can go eat a bag of glass shards and capers for all I'm concerned.

Leaking Geek said...

It’s ridiculous, and I am so far above it all, I can hear the prayers of all the small children of the world when they go to bed at night.

Wilbon cured my leprosy!

Well played Drew

Christmas Ape said...

Otto Man said...

Beautifully done.

I love Eugene Robinson, but there was a joke in there about his Kermit-the-Frog voice that you let pass by.


YOU WIN, YOUNG FELLA! YOU WIN!!!!

Grimey said...

I love Eugene Robinson, but there was a joke in there about his Kermit-the-Frog voice that you let pass by.

Eugene Robinson: What's green and smells like Miss Piggy?

Tony: I don't know... what?

Eugene Robinson: My finger.

Chris(BessMervinGirlDetective) said...

Thread Jack -

This just came across the screen as I was checking the weather this morning. I know it's pretty serious, but I could help but laughing when I read the report.

STATEWIDE AMBER ALERT HAS BEEN ISSUED BY THE T.B.I. A FOUR YEAR OLD WHITE FEMALE MADISON KERR WITH BROWN HAIR AND BROWN EYES THIRTY SEVEN INCHES TALL AND FORTY TWO POUNDS. CHILD WAS TAKEN BY HER NONCUSTODIAL FATHER JERRY JONES WHO IS WANTED FOR FOUR COUNTS OF CHILD MOLESTATION. JONES AND THE CHILD WERE LAST SEEN FLEEING THE AREA OF THE RAMADA INN ON HOSPITALITY DRIVE FRANKLIN TENNESSEE. JONES IS DRIVING A LATE MODEL WHITE FORD TAURUS WITH A STOLEN TN TAG 599 PFJ AND WAS LAST SEEN ON HWY 96 EASTBOUND. JONES IS A WHITE MALE FIFTY TWO YEARS OLD SHAVED HAIR FIVE FEET EIGHT INCHES AND ONE HUNDRED FIFTY POUNDS. IF LOCATED PLEASE CALL T. B.I. AT 1-800-TBI - FIND.

/Threadjack

JAMMQ said...

That is not very funny AT ALL.

Althought I'd molest the hell out of Charlotte Jones Anderson.

http://lb.dallascowboys.com/team_coach_bios.cfm?newName=Charlotte_Jones_Anderson

SDW said...

Wilbon: That's a STUPID question.

Christmas Ape said...

Danger, danger, Dolores Hayes
Her green-gray gaze never flinches
90 pounds is all she weighs
With a height of 60 inches

Awful Chief said...

JONES IS A WHITE MALE FIFTY TWO YEARS OLD SHAVED HAIR FIVE FEET EIGHT INCHES AND ONE HUNDRED FIFTY POUNDS.

He's a few years past his prime and undersized for his position, but the Patriots are still interested in signing him.

Jim U. said...

@Chris(BessMervinGirlDetective) - Wow I guess he really is Fucking Crazy.

Otto Man said...

Glad to see I'm not alone on Robinson.

I'm waiting for the day he and Tony talk about Dennis Green on the off chance we get an impromptu rendition of "It's Not Easy Being Green."

futuremrsrickankiel said...

@otto man: I guess he belongs on that roundtable from Family Guy with Kermit, Ray Romano, Al Michaels, and Harold Ramis.

I'd have a link for you if YouTube didn't suck nowadays.

Amanda said...

Ok, this part:

HOW CAN YOU MISS OL’ ZORNY?!

Is so unspeakably perfect. THAT is Tony K.

BDD, FTW! Forever.

Big Tex said...

no, "larry brown basketball camp" reference. and did reali ever do a cameo on the sopranos?

Otto Man said...

Well played, FutureMrs. I can't believe I forgot that.

Looks like they taught you something at Clown College after all.

smeos said...

/penguin dance

The post is perfect, but I still love PTI.

Chris said...

More Andy Pollin, please

Your Humble Correspondent said...

If you are out on your bikes, do wear white.

I'd still rather listen to Toby than read the typical drivel here.

James said...

I am a big fan of TK and very much enjoy his radio show. That said, it did take me like 10 pages into this post before I was 100% sure it wasn't just a transcript of a recent show that I missed.

J Money said...

Dead frickin' on, Drew. I am glad to see so many people "get" it because I didn't think anyone but a few of us XM subscribers even knew he was back on the radio.

You know what's sad, though? He's TONS better than ESPN radio in the morning.

Otto Man said...

Eh, I still prefer Dingo and the Baby.

Justin said...

No Tony, I've never seen Seinfeld and I never will.

hi there mary said...

I can't get into this post. Willy Buns didn't say "Knuckleheads" once. What kind of satire is this?

ben said...

This. is. Dead. On.

I used to listen to Tony K. in the late 90s, and he was okay. Now, he's absolutely impossible to listen to. The sycophants they've paired him with make him even worse. And your Feinstein is pitch freaking perfect.

Short version: Classic.

Kolja said...

@ Otto: +1

Marmatard said...

@ grimey: +1 million

BEHM777 said...

/turns radio off

Russell said...

I love that radio show, and I just made an ass out of myself laughing. The entire show is exactly like that. One big 10 year long inside joke. I've actually had to read up on things so I can understand what anyone is talking about. But I still love it. DO WEAR WHITE!

9 9 in 9 said...

genuinely laugh out loud funny. well done.

hollywood wags said...

Dat wuz a gud vun.

Signed,
Gov. Schwarzenegger