Monday, February 4, 2008

KSK Gamebook: Super Bowl XLII


-After the clock ran out and the Giants officially pulled the game off, I called a couple friends (none named Hench or JackO) to analyze the game in great detail. Here is the gist of each of those conversations:

Me: HOLY SHIT.

Friend: Unbelievable.

Me: Fucking unbelievable. UN-FUCKING-BELIEVABLE

Friend: Holy fuck.

Me: Can you fucking believe that shit? I mean, HOLY SHITBALLS

Friend: Unbelievable. WOW. Shit.

It’s always nice to experience a sporting event that leaves you and everyone you know completely retarded in its wake. And you know what the scariest thing about the whole amazing night was? That Reggie Nelson was right!

-This edition of the Gamebook took place in Georgetown, with Ape, Maj, and a host of revelers. The spread consisted of wings, chili, crab dip, spinach dip, and the like. Then, our host pulled something I couldn’t recognize out of the oven. It was a bright orange substance in a Pyrex dish. I asked what it was. She said it was buffalo chicken dip. That’s right. Buffalo chicken DIP. Now, I am an unhealthy person. There’s no debate about that. But even I trembled at the sight of this concoction. I’m shocked a black hole didn’t appear in the room once it appeared. It appeared to be something that, left unattended, might grow multiple times over and take on new forms. I made the executive decision not to risk it. The solid stool in my toilet this morning let me know I made the right choice.

-What was with the fucking clock last night? Sometimes it stopped running after a running play. Sometimes it kept going after an incompletion. Then it ran off at the end of the game after the ball had turned over on downs, only to be reset by Mike Carey. Was there some sort of WWF-style celebrity timekeeper for the event? Was it someone born without thumbs?

-You might know Christmas Ape as one of the more erudite members of the KSK staff. And, with 15 beers in him last night, his mastery of the English language really came to the fore. Any time the Giants made a good play, here are some of the bon mots our normally reserved man came up with:

“FUCK YOU BRADY! I HOPE YOUR FUCKING KID DIES!”
“FUCK YOU, BRADY! TAKE IT IN THE FUCKING ASS!”
“YEAH YEAH! EAT A FUCKING DICK, BELICHICK! I HOPE YOU DIE!”

The man knows how to work a room, I tell you. In fact, I argued with Ape that he was more pleased the Pats lost than when his Steelers won the Super Bowl two years ago. And that’s all right. If you’re a fan of most any team, your chances to experience the thrill of winning a championship are few and far in between. That’s why it’s so gratifying when a team you hate does a total fucking gag job. It gives you something to root for during those years when things don’t quite work out for your boys. Take it in the ass, indeed.

-I don't know if Osi Umeryiora ever found a hooker to poop on. But I'm willing to wager there's a lady or two in Long Island now that would be willing to let him squeeze out a yellow submarine on them for next to nothing.

-There was much debate prior to the game as to whether or not the Giants were a better team without Jeremy Shockey. I think it’s pretty obvious now that the Giants not only need to cut Shockey, they also need to key his car and burn any of his property left in the locker room. SHOCKEY BLOWS. In fact, why not ship him to New England? They love overrated white players there.

-Do you take steroids? Do you beat your girlfriend? Then Under Armour has a sneaker for you!

-I was happy for Eli Manning last night, but it was hard not to want to slap the shit outta him and the rest of the team for wearing those t-shirts OVER their shoulder pads during the postgame celebration. Hey guys, you won. You can take your fucking pads off now. You looked like Fred Gwynne in that shit.

-Here’s your Simmons douchebaggery for the day:

“Our underdog opponent gained confidence, punched us in the mouth a few times, kept punching and punching, caught a few breaks, threw a few more punches, ran out of gas near the end, looked to be done ... and out of nowhere, rallied for a miracle drive to steal the championship.”

Yes, yes. The championship was STOLEN! From a team that for two straight games had played flat, uninspired football. In a game where Tom Brady threw the ball with all the accuracy of Tarvaris Jackson. Yeah, they really deserved that win. Assbag. Commenter King of Pants said it best:

"Dear Bill Simmons:

Did you ever realize, when you spent the entire season comparing the Pats to the Cobra Kai and masturbating to pictures of WIlliam Zabka, that at the end of the movie, they lose to the skinny out-of-nowhere underdog from New York?"

HA!

-I went to godaddy.com to watch that Danica Patrick EXPOSED video. Turns out it was a gonzo movie of her getting an anal cream pie from a 400 lb. Latino man. Now THAT is racy advertising.

-The number of hot women on the field during the Petty set was more than the cumulative number of hot women to see Tom Petty live over the past 15 years.

-I had no particular rooting interest in this game. Yes, we have our fun with Pats fans here, and part of me wanted to see the Giants pull off the upset. But another part of me wanted to see the Patriots pull off what now has to be considered a damn near impossible feat. So I watched the game with a fairly level head. But, when the Giants won, I realized that we are ALL better off for it.

I don’t want to live in an NFL world where I have to wait for Tom Brady and Peyton Manning to retire before my team has a realistic shot of winning the title. If the Giants, who I saw completely destroyed by the Vikings early in the year, can get their act together in the last month of the season and plow through the playoffs like that, and outplay and outcoach a fucking 18-0 team, then that bodes well for all us NFL fans.

It was assumed that the Patriots had found a way to dominate even in the supposed age of parity. But they didn’t. Parity came back and clamped down on their asshole. And that was pretty cool to see. Hooray for clamped assholes.

-Dark M&M’s are good. Very good. It’s like an orgy in my mouth, and everyone’s invited.

-Finally, it’s time to start making fun of Giant fans. Yes you, Giant fans. You bridge-and-tunnel, bad French manicure-having pieces of Jersey trash (Maj’s lady and our friend Becky excepted). Like Patriot fans, you too can also suck our collective balls, because it is company policy here to hate EVERYONE. And, since you guys are the big winners now, I hope you fall out of a hot air balloon. Oh, you like Eli now? TOO LATE! Eli says you can choke on his load. Take your Shockey jerseys, head to Sbarro’s at the mall, and shut the fuck up.

57 comments:

J said...

I’m shocked a black hole didn’t appear in the room once it appeared.

Did this come out of the oven during half time?

Christmas Ape said...

FUCK YOU, DREW! I HOPE YOUR BACK NEVER HEALS!

drozz said...

*solemly nodding in approval*

JAMMQ said...

Buffalo Chicken Dip? Fuck that.

She should have called it "The Umenyiora."

Biggus Rickus said...

So here's a book idea. Compile all of Simmons writings into one fucking gigantic volume. Call it "An Eternity of Douche with Bill Simmons." It'll fly off the shelves.

Pemulis said...

you forgot to insult the Long Island group of Giants fans in that last paragraph. These are the ones I grew up surrounded by, and they have to be at least just as bad as the Jerz fans

Pemulis said...

not that theyre much different than your description of the Jersey fans, just saying 'fuck long island' is all

Biggus Rickus said...

pemulis,

I agree. I've met two families who migrated from Long Island, and they were the most insufferable shitheads I've ever met. Maybe there are some people up there who shouldn't be fed a steady diet of arsenic, but I refuse to believe it.

the george said...

Buffalo Chicken Dip has nothing on this: I made White Trash Twinkie Casserole for our SB party. Layer of Twinkies, layer of caramel sauce, layer of marshmallows, layer of hot fudge, layer of brown sugar and cinnamon, layer of crushed Oreos (or Hydrox), drizzle of hot fudge, warmed in the oven to make everything mushy. The brown sugar/cinnamon sprinkle really gave it an interesting bite. Half the party now has diabetes.

smurphette said...

"That’s why it’s so gratifying when a team you hate does a total fucking gag job."

I don't know if "gratifying" covers it. "Joygasm" still might be too constrictive as a modifier. That was glorious. I didn't truly understand how much I hated the Pats until last night. And that dip looks absolutely foul. It is the Matt Light of Super Bowl dips.

Jez said...

I think I'm gonna need that Buffalo Chicken Dip recipe. That's not just food, that's a personal challenge to my entire digestive tract.

phole said...

As I Steelers fan, I'm gonna have to agree that this Super Bowl was way more satisfying than XL. Watching Eli make asshats like Simmons eat their words is the gift that I will enjoy forever. 18-1 is the gift that will keep on giving. Now, excuse me while I go and scream "ELI" at everyone of my Boston classmates for the rest of the day.

Upstate Underdog said...

Buffalo Chicken Dip kicks ass !

Also, as much as I wanted the Pats to lose it sucked seeing the Giants win. I was in college when the Giants beat the Bills and I went to college with plenty of NJ/LI Giant fans. Needless to say that night sucked and I punched a Giant fan in the face who was being a dick.

Robert said...

my only hope is that carl from aqua teen hunger force was there to videotape osi pooping on a hooker, and giving commentary.

king of pants said...

*takes a bow*

85 said...

Drew, you pussy. It's the Super Bowl, and Buffalo Chicken Dip is the Lombardi Trophy of foods for occasions like the Super Bowl. That shit is delicious, you were probably drinking fairly heavily anyway, and if properly celebrating the Patriots losing means that you spend today unleashing, on an hourly basis, a steaming liquid mess that would send Osi running for the hills, then God-dammit you have to do it.

---------------------

THIS MESSAGE DELIVERED VIA MY BATHROOM

Imperator Johannes said...

As a person who was born and raised in Long Island and, now, lives in New Jersey, I can honeslty say that NO-ONE buys pizza at Sbarros.

Seriously.

/Redskins fan so I get a bye on the insults.

Doug said...

I'll shotgun that whole dish of buffalo chicken dip as long as I get to wash it down with a tall, cool glass of Bill Simmons's tears.

BeckEye said...

As a Steelers fan, I'm now officially confused about life. Is it more important and/or fulfilling to love the Steelers or to hate the Pats? I just don't know anymore...

My favorite post-game moment:

While being interviewed by some field reporter on Fox 5, Sam Madison was standing there with an early edition of the Bergen Record with a huge headline that read, "Giants Win!" The reporter very cheekily asked him, "What's that paper say?" and Madison answered, "Hey man, I don't know what it says but I know one thing - Giants win!!"

Big Tex said...

buffalo chicken dip!?! i get hard at the thought of this. i definitely hate myself enough to consume it. but what do you eat it with? chips? crackers? more buffalo wings? spoonfuls of ranch?

Pemulis said...

I thought one of the weirdest things about the post game stuff was how pissed some of the giants were. I don't remember who it was - maybe Pierce, was like "18- 1, write that book!" some of them seemed so much more into ruining the Pats perfect season than actually winning the superbowl. which actually is kind of awesome

Big Daddy Drew said...

If you dip a buffalo wing into buffalo wing dip, time goes into reverse.

The Pirate Sloth said...

Is it me or are the little hooves in that dip?

Or is it PacMan sperm?

Robert Ullman said...

Another Steelers fan, and I gotta say it was more awesome to actually win the Big Game than to see the team I hate the most lose. But not by much. I refused to let myself believe all the way up until Plex caught that TD...I almost woke the kid up yelling "Fuck Yeah!"

Upstate Underdog said...

@big tex, it's great with tostito's scoops.

Christmas Ape said...

You can tell I didn't enjoy seeing the Pats lose as much as seeing the Steelers win because I was still clothed at the end of the night.

Miyamoto's Chin said...

How long until one of the asshole Pats fans post another comment on this blog? 1 - 2 months? They've completely disappeared for now. I like it this way.

big skinny said...

I admire and applaud your dedication to equal opportunity hatred. Thanks for another great season. Now what are we supposed to do for the next 7 months.

Big Daddy Drew said...

big skinny, we still post in the offseason. Don't fucking go anywhere.

quiet strength said...

Which is the better feeling - the pleasure of seeing your favorite team win a title for the first time (for me, that would be the White Sox in 2005) or pure, unadulterated sadism?

@ape - I was watching the game in Indy with a bunch of Colts fans...yeah...there were some unclothed individuals.

Pemulis said...

as long as there are more commenter drafts, I won't kill myself... or will i?

big skinny said...

I'm not going anywhere. This is my home page at work for fucks sake. I'm sure I'm not alone in my desire to hear some more of Ape's celebratory interjections.

rd said...

Surely the most chilling thing about Simmons' piece is the recap of what his Pats victory column would have been: An eyewitness account of Brady's "very private" postgame party in some hotel room.

"I kept seeing Brady sitting in a chair with his right ankle encased in ice, quietly sipping a bottle of champagne with a satisfied smile on his face, and Gisele would be there, and everyone would be recapping 19-0 and remembering the incredible season."

The douchebaggery of that column would have caused a rip in the fabric of space and time. We all just had a very narrow escape.

fleurdelista said...

Delurking as a Pats fan to say MORE LONG ISLAND JOKES PLZ. This upstater hates all things downstate :D

Biggus Rickus said...

Yeah, reading that post-game fantasy made me feel like I was taking a peak into Simmons' late night masturbation fantasies, and it's not a feeling I like...at all.

Clutch Is Everything said...

New York > Boston

ALWAYS.

Biggus Rickus said...

peek*

Fucking homonyms.

SlideShow Bob said...

I am a Giant fan and welcome all the scorn that would come this way, but let me ask what were we supposed to think about Eli during points of the regular season? were we supposed to be with him when he threw 3 TD picks to the Vikes (which is about as many as Drew's boy Tavaris threw all year). He stepped up in the playoffs and we appreciate him for that.

Also, shouldnt Shockey hav been on the sidelines with the rest of the team, and now be sitting in a luxury box getting tanked?

Big Tex said...

actually Drew, i heard on old urban legend that if you dip a buffalo wing in buffalo dip, eli manning wins a super bowl mvp.

twoeightnine said...

Ape and 289, two peas in a pod. All my friends from college are Patriots fans. The text messages I sent before the game, that I never got a response to were:

-I hope Brady gets ass AIDS
-For the third time
-Because he's a queer
-That's right, Tom Brady loves the cock

becky said...

celery? what the fuck?

grill some chicken. shred it. mix it up with a bottle of Franks, a jar of Marie's BC dressing, 2 packages of cream cheese, and a cup of shredded cheddar. bake it. and stay the fuck away from celery.

85 said...

289, that's just harsh. Everyone knows ass AIDS can be fatal.

Private Joker said...

Simmons' smug douchebaggery was compounded by his reference to the Giants as "OUR underdog opponent." Last time I checked, Simmons wasn't playing for the Patriots.

naptown drew said...

Did somebody say Reggie Nelson?

/ducks, hides Bambi

naptown drew said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Dr.VanNostren said...

Ok, I have lurked here for over a year now, and of all thing Eli & Osi McSteamy have brought me onto the comment boards. We here in SoCal have no love for the Boston teams. This is all too great, sorry FutureMrsRick. Thanks to you all for making less productive at work!

WI Browns Fan said...

Bill Simmons became a relevant writer because he wrote from the perspective of the common fan. No locker room interviews, no press conferences, etc.

Now he apparently has the means to score tickets to the Super Bowl in section 129, and hangs out with Tom & Gisele?!? What common fan can relate to that?

SMP said...

@ clutch is everything

Phew, thanks for waking me from my Pats-hate-inspired pro-NY trance and reminding me that I hate both NE and NY and the media force-feeding me the rivalry.

The balance in my mental universe is restored.

smurphette said...

@becky: Word.

The Navigator said...

i hate to have to make a serious comment here, but you are way off about the talent at Petty concerts.

smurphette said...

Also, crab dip is the tits.

Slash said...

I love me some cheese, but that dip looks like shit. Is that actually pieces of celery distributed throughout the dip? What are those brown things?

And thanks for the update on your stool. Always appreciated.

I didn't watch the game. I went to see "Cloverfield." I give it a 7.

Undeserved Confidence said...

You guys hang out in Georgetown?
Really?
No wonder your Marmalard stuff is so frighteningly accurate

Christopher said...

As a Pats fan, I can understand the hatred. If BB was the coach of any other team, I'd despise him and be just as sick of the team, Brady, overexposure, etc.

That said, I am a fan, so fuck you guys! Eli is still a whiney douche! Speaking of Eli, pitchers and catchers report in 10 days. Go Sox!!!

DougOLis said...

Here's your Buffalo Chicken Dip recipe. Someone at the party appears to be a fan of the Ladies.

twoeightnine said...

Or they grew up in Western NY or they watch Rachel Ray or they have a cookbook or they know how to Google...

Tom Holzerman said...

I really don't want to be the wet blanket, but the only way last night would have been worse for me is if it were the Cowboys knocking off the Pats. Seriously, I didn't want to see the Pats run the table because the douche would flow freely out of the New England states, but seeing Eli drive that team in the 4th like a retarded John Elway... you don't understand the pain, man. Eli Manning grew up against the Pats... my quarterback threw up. The last time one of my teams won a title, I was one.

/wet blanket Eagles fan