Friday, February 1, 2008

Fictional Cheerleader Biography: Kerey

This is Kerey.

She feels as though the Patriots' success this season is owed in some part to her performance as a cheerleader.

It is not.

As a youth, she had a bit of a rebellious streak. She was almost held back one year of high school for skipping too many days, but fortunately her parents were friends with the principal. She voted for Ralph Nader in the 2000 election, because a communist boyfriend she had at the time told her she should. When he was 17, she brought home a black man she was dating for a major family function.

He was never heard from again.

The cheerleaders at her high school were mostly plain and Kerey looked down upon them. One time, some of her friends kidnapped one of them and let the girl loose in the woods 30 miles out of town. It was a particularly freezing evening and the cheerleader developed severe frost bite. So severe, in fact, that she had to have one of her legs amputated.

Kerey still laughs about it during TV timeouts.

15 comments:

Francois Leroux Speedskater said...

Kerey loves to punch fellow cheerleading team members, resulting in an explosion of silver.

Also, she enjoys spelling her name like a complete idiot.

JAMMQ said...

Ape, you are disturbed.

Zamboni said...

I have to pin this one on her parents. I mean, c'mon, with a name like "Kerey" of course she's going to become a horrible human being.

Otto Man said...

I thought girls just mocked each other until they developed an eating disorder?

futuremrsrickankiel said...

Her name looks like it might open some sort of mystical portal into a netherworld containing vast riches guarded by unspeakable horrors if you said it backwards three times under a full moon.

Tech N9ne's Tribute to Falco said...

Like Derek?

Tech N9ne's Tribute to Falco said...

I was betting she thought Brady gave her "special" smiles and claims to other cheerleaders that she has more of a "real" figure even though at night she cries about her thighs.

She also talks shit on the girl that slept with Koolaid even though she had too many red bull and vodkas and blew the photographer on the swimsuit calendar trip.

smurphette said...

Ape isn't disturbed, he's just keeping it real. I've known girls to do shit that's way more fucked up than giving other girls eating disorders. This is turning into one of my favorite series, and it's win-win. The guys can enjoy the pictures, and the ladies can enjoy the fact that cheerleaders are pathetic.

J.L. White said...

Ape, you forgot to mention the train of Vince Wilfork, Rodney Harrison, Richard Seymour and Stephen Gastkowski (oh yeah, he's a bad ass!) that ran through her after the Redskins victory earlier this season.

BabyBananaGrabber said...

She looks more like a vodka cran type girl

Tracer Bullet said...

These Cheerleader Biographies are making me consider suicide. Or homicide.

BEHM777 said...

Actually after they burned the cross on our lawn, my folks shipped me off to DC to live with my aunt and uncle, where I learned the difference between rhotic and non-rhotic accents.

I never liked it Up South anyway...

Drave said...

Kerey thinks there are too many "black guys" on the team.

Drave said...

Kerey also wonders why they let a colored girl be on the squad.
(The Pats cheerleaders are almost as white as Wel-kah!!!)

Tom Holzerman said...

@jj

Stephen Gostkowski had do something this year after all those times spent not kicking field goals.