Thursday, February 14, 2008

A Special KSK Valentine To… Patriot Fans


Well, Patriot fans, it’s been well over ten days since the Giants upset the Patriots, and I just thought I’d check in on you. How are you feeling? Are you okay? Is everything all right? I know how you Boston folks like to treat every loss as if it’s something that saddens the entire world as a whole. I know how you can’t possibly go on without someone offering you sympathy, as if you yourself were on the field for that loss. Surely that’s the reason for the downward turn in the US economy. Sports fans in Boston are unhappy! Oh, what a tragedy! Everything feels so dark and cold! Quick, someone play a Des’Ree CD to cheer them up!

I’m just kidding, of course. I do not wish you Patriot fans a Happy Valentine’s Day. Unless this is the day your girlfriend decides she’s had it with you and the 500 empty tins of Kodiak you keep leaving around her apartment. I don’t wish you a Happy Valentine’s Day at all. But I will wish you a happy “Eat A Fucking Bowl Of Dick” Day. Or a “Get Run Over By A Fucking Cement Mixer” Day. Or a “Get Your Klan Rally Petition Rejected By The Board Of Commerce” Day. Or a “YOU FUCKING LOST” Day. Or a “Why Don’t You Take A Job As A Commercial Fisherman And Fucking Drown 500 Miles Off The Coast Of Nova Scotia In A Fierce Nor’Easter?” Day.

I hope you choke on rose stems. You fucking losers.

And, while we’re here, let’s tear that Simmons mailbag apart.

One gigantic disclaimer before we get to the collection of post-Super Bowl e-mails: I would have included more Giants-related e-mails if I had received more coherent ones -- 99 percent were of the "Hahhhhhhhhaahahahahaa! You suck!" or "18-1!!!!!" variety.

Yes, because no one from New York is creative at all! Such an unimaginative town! What do they do there, sell insurance? It would have been far preferable if New England had won, and Patriot fans could have taunted the world with more florid taunts, such as, “FACK YOU, YOU FACKIN’ BRAWNX IMMIGRANTS! WHY DON’T YOU GO GET A FACKIN’ GREEN CAAAAAD!” Yes, if you root for a non-Boston team, you are nowhere near as gracious or poetic in winning. Maybe if you had been more fawning of the Patriots in victory, Simmons would have deigned to publish you.

Let’s play a game. How many emails did Shitbox have to comb through to get dogshit like this?

Of course, I have no pity for the Patriots, but I DO feel for their great fans.

I’m guessing 300. But wait! There’s douchier!

I really do feel for Pats fans after that loss -- I still think this year's Pats are easily the best team of the modern salary cap era. If you need proof of that, consider the fact that after Plaxico Burress made what became the game-winning touchdown, the single thought in the head of every Giants fan watching the game was "Oh God, Brady has 35 seconds and three timeouts." I'm not sure there has ever been a team that has caused more doubt in the minds of the opposing fans than these Patriots.

So true! Great teams don’t even need to close out games! The mere fact that other teams’ fans consider the possibility of them coming back to win is all the reason anyone needs! Why even play the end of the game WHEN FANS MAY HAVE DOUBTS ABOUT THE OUTCOME? Crazy!

Finally…

What are the odds that Asante Samuel's dropped INT at the end of the game will replace Buckner's bungle as the worst play in Boston history? That was devastating on a level far surpassing anything I've seen in all my years as a Boston sports fan. If he ever wears a Pats jersey again, it'll be too soon.

Allusion to ’86 Red Sox loss? Check.
Boston fan playing up his emotional devastation to invite your pity? Check.
Throwing longtime, outstanding player under the bus? Check.
Desire in me to choke this person with a hockey stick? Check.

Fuck your Valentine’s Day, Patriot fans. I hope you get the runs.

124 comments:

Upstate Underdog said...

I hate the Pats and most of their douchey fans, but I do love me some Kodiak.

This post makes up for no Jambaroo.

Miyamoto's Chin said...

Throwing longtime, outstanding black player under the bus?

Took the liberty of fixing that for you.

Tom Brady's Man Chowder said...

Fucking weak dude, I'll admit it was funny for the last few weeks before the game, its was even funny for a few days after the game, but you're like the guy at my office who makes 13 "your mom" or "your face" jokes EVERY day.

Tom Brady's Man Chowder said...

ps simmons has eaten too many douche sandwiches

pps you can't lump us in with that martian

Wooderson said...

Gee Drew, you've sure got a lot of anger built up inside you for someone who gets to enjoy the wonderful quarterbacking skills of Tarvares Jackson...oh, wait.

Christmas Ape said...

Back up the truck. It's not funny anymore. The Pats fans said so!

larry b said...

@Miyamoto- God, imagine if Buckner had been black. He wouldn't have been alive long enough to play in game 7 of that series.

@Brady's- If this bothers you, you probably won't want to check this blog until the week of the draft (at least).

1972DavidBowieFromTheZiggyStardustTour said...

I wish Tom Brady's Man Chowder would squirt itself back into Gisele's twat hole instead of posting here.

Mike Murray said...

Hahhhhhhhhaahahahahaa! You suck!

romolovescock said...

my mouth tastes like aluminum foil

Otto Man said...

Those three letters all came from a "B. Simmons."

No, no, wait. That's too obvious.

They all came from a "Bill S."

Maybe just say "B.S." Yeah, that'll do.

Colts and Hoosiers Fan said...

Hehe it doesn't get old. Please, PLEASE keep the Patriots hate coming. It'll distract me momentarily from the fact that IU's program is fucked in the ass.

lieutenant winslow said...

yeah, yeah... tough talk from the guy who copped to loving "About a Boy"

Kevin said...

i'm sorry boston, but realize that the rest of the natural world still thinks it's funny. very funny. i'll gladly bathe in your pain for as long as i can.

Lionel McClure said...

Yeah, if this ever stops being funny... I don't even know how to finish that. It's never going to stop being funny.

KC Cal said...

So when is Brett Favre going to get a Valentine from Peter King?

Tom Brady's Man Chowder said...

A)Whats wrong with About A Boy?

B)I could never stop reading this site, then I'd have to do real work.

C)The Patriots hater bandwagon is by far the worse I've ever seen, second being the Sox haters who all bought Rockies hats this fall, third being Sox fans

D)Notting Hill was good too, especially the kicker from the Replacements

E)/ducks

quiet strength said...

Thank you Tom Brady's Man Chowder for reminding us all why your misery is so funny. If you don't get it, so much the better.

Enjoy an off season of pasting your face over the goat.

bill said...

Perhaps the love affair with the Patriots is on the wane here in the northeast. Two weeks ago, the place was littered with the flying Elvis logos. I haven't seen one in ten days, nor any other Patriots paraphernalia. No shirts, no hats, no jackets, nothing. The rear windows soaped with "19-0!" are all cleaned. Perhaps they are contemplating pulling out the slightly mildewed Giants jerseys they all wore before 2001.

Dickens Cider said...

Keep up the good work Drew.

Andy said...

exactly when did telling mom jokes in the office every day stop being funny?

I'm in a Frat said...

*Eric Cartman Voice*

"Yesssss... tom brady's man chowder's [tears]"

I was one of the people who wrote to Bill. The subject line was his prediction for the Super Bowl (42-7 Pats on top) and the body read, you guessed it, "Hahahahahahahahaahha".

I've always had a problem with keeping what I'm doing in real life out of my internet contributions. But leave it to Billy Simmons to let me know what a doosh I am.

And did anyone see his article in ESPN Mag. this week? Basically saying Jack Nicholson sucked in The Departed? I bet Bill would have done better.

/too long

85 said...

C)The Patriots hater bandwagon is by far the worse I've ever seen, second being the Sox haters who all bought Rockies hats this fall, third being Sox fans

You must be confusing this Rockies-hat buying bandwagon thing with something that actually happened.

John said...

Freaking New England/Boston fans, I'm amazed that you always show up to "prove" that these posts are inaccurate, and then write comments that demonstrate that maybe Big Daddy Drew or Christmas Ape actually might have gone easy on you.

Oh and yes, Boston fans might not find these posts funny, but the rest of the world does. I can't imagine these posts ever getting old.

Pemulis said...

I'll tell you what never gets old: getting worked up and bickering about jokes on a website!

the great bambi said...

these posts won't get old until the douche levels coming from boston drop to pre-2001 levels...ie not for another 80 years

so suck it brady, suck it simmons, and suck it belichick

and he's not taping my woman showering, she ain't married, if it ain't cheating, belichick wants no part of it

Tom Brady's Man Chowder said...

Using Brady-Quinn-GayLogic:

Maybe deep inside in a place you don't talk about at cocktail parties, you wanted the Pats to win, you needed the pats to win, but when they lost, your self loathing ass HAHAHA-ed your fagrection away

/fighting fire with gay

Tom Brady's Man Chowder said...

@john - I'm not here to prove anything except that maybe you should hop off Ape and Drew's nutz and step up YOUR game past "huhu 3 smire!"

Miyamoto's Chin said...

@brady's spooge

Damn, well if you don't think it's funny I guess it's time to start making jokes about the NFL combine.

the great bambi said...

dude learn how to spell, it's "smirre"

hi there mary said...

I bet you sweat glowing purple Haterade, Drew. I love it.

Porky1 said...

No smirre for ESPN. Goodell said he has knowledge that Belisecondplace admitted to ongoing cheating since taking over the Pats.

So naturally, as to not offend their meal ticket, ESPN's headline yesterday was "Goodell has no regrets about Spygate handling" with a teeny blurb about the "since 2000" part. And nothing today. Meanwhile, their coverage is all about a retired pitcher who hasn't won a World Series in a decade and his maybe/maybe not steroid use.

I call BULLSHIT. Yahoo--not Yahoo Sports--has the Belichick "since 2000" story on its front page today! ESPN should come out with a statement that simply reads "WE HAVE NO BALLS" if they don't want to run coverage of blatant cheating by a guy whose team has won the most Super Bowls this decade.

Ah well. Rant over.

Moof! said...

As a resident of Nova Scotia, the only good Patriots fan is one that I run over while surfing. Fuck I hate those cunts coming up for cheap school. Go back to America you faggots.

quiet strength said...

@great bambi - Pre-2001 Boston sports fans were still remarkably douchy - just no one really worried about it. Remember, they thought their teams were "tortured" despite being in the playoffs almost every season.

Tom Brady's Man Chowder said...

my bad, smirre

As a gay half-asian pats fan I am strongly considering leaving this site for good

J.L. White said...

I think I know what bug is up Man Chowder's ass, and Simmons himself alluded to it before....we can't make fun of Patriot fans anymore because only Boston sports fans are intelligent and creative enough to insult a bunch of arrogant, cheating bastards that choked in the biggest game of the season. The only people qualified to do this are the geniuses that came up with "Yankees Suck!"

dick_gozinia said...

Hi-larious.

When you pre-order 19-0 shirts, sign up domain names for 19-0, and pretty much tell everyone and his mom about how awesome you are.....

This is what you get, asshats!

Had any of these pencildick Pat's fans been the least bit humble before the Super Bowl, this wouldn't be so bad. But expecting Boston fans to be humble is like expecting Brady Quinn to stop loving that sweet, sweet cock. It ain't gonna happen.

So fuck you, fuck Hahhvaad, fuck chowdaaaahhh, and fuck the Pats.

/sweats purple haterade

Tom Brady's Man Chowder said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
4-12, maybe? said...

cant wait long enough for your bullshit, badly-coached team to suffer through another up-and-down season of mediocrity that may or may not end in the most boring loss of wild card weekend.

hey, chock on adrian peterson's forthcoming torn MCL, cocksucker! there's always the...snow...and..the uh..what the fuck is there exactly in Minnesota that's worth living for anyway?

Tom Brady's Man Chowder said...

@jl - you float like sticky sock and sting like a message in a bottle.
@dick - Asshat? Pencildick? Domain name? What are you like 22? And fuck chowder? That's like saying fuck hollandaise or fuck duck l'orange. Who does that?

SonOfSpam said...

I am erect with anticipation about BDD's Easter letter to Pats fans. Over/under on Crucifixion references is 50.

"Fuck you and your priest-blowing kids, chowderheads.", etc.

SonOfSpam said...

Oh, and fuck hollendaise.

4-12, maybe? said...

heyyyy now dude's a "successful blogger." I'm sure he'll think of some original shit.

Keep sucking peanuts out of peyton manning's ass, you fat fuck.

Otto Man said...

And fuck chowder? That's like saying fuck hollandaise or fuck duck l'orange. Who does that?

You haven't spent much time on these here internets, have you?

Those videos are just a Google search away.

So I've heard.

BaCsonkaDonk said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
BaCsonkaDonk said...

Damn. Even Peter King is sipping the haterade. Here's what he said about the Pats fan bitchfest in his latest MMQB:

It does not put your fandom in the best light when you grab on to uninformed and highly questionable appeals at the end of a game your team did not play well enough to win.

OH SNAP

Sam said...

@ man chowder:

You'll be missed.

Tom Brady's Man Chowder said...

dude learn how to spell, it's "malleable"

larry b said...

Drew gets PWNED by 4-12 guy! OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! BURN, BURNBURNBURNBURN!!!1111

Hank Wackman said...

Well, it's been 11,358 days since the Vikings last appeared and lost in the Super Bowl. Sorry Minnesota. But, hey, that was Super Bowl XI (or eleven (11) for you Jerry Lundegaard types) at least you made the double digits!!

I really thought Herschel was going to get you over the hump. Seriously. But, look on the bright side, you have Purple Jesus and you should be thankful. With some PCB pipe and duct tape you may actually see a full season from Adrian. So what he's been injury plagued and hasn't completed a full football season since his freshman year of college? We all know you get healthier with age and you’ll always have the memories of that Pro Bowl MVP award to keep you warm.

In conclusion, go fuck yourself you facking douche bahg.

Sincerely,
Hack “Mouth Cancer” Wackman

SonOfSpam said...

Wow, are Patriots fans bitter! Guys, relax...you just had the most successful season in NFL history!*

*Not counting the Super Bowl, which is the whole reason you play during the season. And your team cheated, of course. And you fans come off like whiny cuntsores.

Bryan said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
J.L. White said...

I see that the Pats fans have tended to their injuries, nursed their pride back to health, and are back on the offensive by making fun of the team Drew roots for. I would LOVE to continue to make fun of the Pats (18-1, 18-1 and 18-1), but my own favorite team is the Seattle Seahawks, so I should be wary because any Masshole can tear apart the the Seahawks, who before 2002 had a legacy of being fucking terrible.

Well, let me get the party started, and tell a tale of how utterly pathetic my favorite team was. Back in 1992, the Seahawks finished 2-14, and were so terrible nobody went to watch their games, and the owner was just itching to move them to Cali. The defense, lef by DPOY Cortex Kennedy, was one of the best in the game, but the offense was so UNBELIEVABLY PUTRID that we had next to no chance in winning. Except for Chris Warren, who deserves to be in the Hall of Fame after rushing for over 1,000 yards in those conditions. Anyway, all signs pointed to us drafting local kid Drew Bledsoe, except that one of our wins came against the only team even more pathetic than us. And can you believe that we beat them in their home stadium? Yes, losing to the 1992 Seattle Seahawks was so ridiculous that that team deserved the #1 overall pick. And that team was the New England Patriots.

This was a long-winded journey back down memory lane. You guys have a wonderful day!

Robert Ullman said...

And fuck chowder? That's like saying fuck hollandaise or fuck duck l'orange. Who does that?

You're right. I'll stick with fuck you.

I had to listen to everyone in the world suck the Pats' knob since September...you better believe I want more than ten days of tearing their shit apart. Get used to it, Sally.

PS: I'm 36.

PPS: There's a picture of Bill Simmons next to the word "cunty" in the dictionary.

Aaron said...

For the record, I also cheer for the Vikings, yet I was also cheering for the Pats because I mancrush on Brady and RaMoss. Not any longer! Thanks for douching up the place Pats fans! Your time will come. I'm not too worried.

Great poop story, by the way.

the great bambi said...

@ quiet strength

yeah but then they were douches you felt sorry for, not douches you want to run over then back up and run over again to make sure the job is done

Tom Brady's Man Chowder said...

@jl - the pats had a team in '92?
/he would've gotten sacked all day long in Seattle too

@ robert ullman - cunty? is that spelled g u l i b l e?
/nope two l's.

@ decaf! - 2 stories 1 wtf?
/also 1 rofl for chili and granola bar

on the serious though Im just trying to get in on some of the joy BDD gets from tools like 4-12, because that shit is soooo much more painful for me than anyone else, because I love getting called a douche and being wished the runs.
/shits pants, walks out whistling nonchalantly

John said...

59 comments, huh? Bashing the Pats really is good for business. Good call on the tag, BDD.

Hank Wackman said...

oh no please don't stop rooting for the pats Aaron. Actually stop. We apparently have enough assholes as it is. The purple people eaters eat my dick.

Dan said...

Man.. if only we had a World Series ring and the best team in the NBA to console us...

Hey Big Daddy Drew, that "longtime, outstanding player" Asante Overratuel, has been with the Pats for five seasons and he was mediocre for all but the '06 season. Can't wait til he's dropping interceptions somewhere else next season. And it's hardly throwing him under the bus when that missed catch was the difference in the goddamn superbowl. Your writing smacks of envy and your breath stinks like Elijah Manning's extra-chromosomed cock. Boston is the sports capital of this decade, which I guess is confirmed by the fact that you're still thinking about the Patriots during the off-season.

Scott said...

worse than the pats losing the super bowl...after they finally lose i find out that all of this "boston fans are racists" shit is actually true. every single one of my friends has blamed the super bowl on either:
a) asante samuel
b) randy moss
c) laurence maroney
d) the secondary as a whole (the only all-black unit on the team)
or e) all of the above

when it was the arrogant play calling that did them in. ugh. i can't believe you assholes were right all along...

Dan said...

Scott, then let me be the first pats fan to blame the superbowl loss on McDaniel's inability to alter the game plan and deal with the Giants nasty pass rush. A screen or half-back draw would have been nice, but we didn't see either until the third quarter, and we didn't see enough of them. The Giants kept on blitzing, and the Pats kept on calling plays that required Brady's pocket to hold. That more than anything else cost them the game. The Giants called a better game. The Giants deserved that win.

Dan said...

P.S. Fuck the Giants.

Christmas Ape said...

Wait. I've been doing more than my share of Pats bashing! Why aren't their fans attacking the Steelers? Might it be because Pittsburgh has five rings to the Pats' three? And has won one more recently?

Hank Wackman said...

No Christmas Ape, it's because your posts suck and no one reads this site for you.

Christmas Ape said...

Of course. They come to admire the pretty color scheme.

Tech N9ne's Tribute to Falco said...

PaFlaWa?

You know who I'd like to hear from these days?

Drew Bledsoe.

You think if we all emailed him he'd concede to a real KSK interview?

Or if you'd like to, just make that shit up, maybe?

/slaps self for presumption

Seriously though, Bledsoe's gotta be laughin his ass off still.

Hank Wackman said...

No, no, no, your post suck Christmas Ape. You personally. That's why people don't talk shit about the Steelers. They don't care about you. But since I feel bad here you go: Mike Tomlin, yeah, he's not the answer. And since you're predictable as fuck: ha ha he's black and I'm a Boston fan. We get it.

Tool.

John said...

Wackman, I hope you are joking with your comment about Xmas Ape.

Otherwise, you're a freaking idiot (of course, if you're a Pats fan, maybe that's redundant). Ape's genius is one of the biggest reasons why people come to this site. If you doubt me, just look at the number of comments that his posts generate.

Plus anyone that can come up with the 'Lard posts is a hero in my book.

Christmas Ape said...

My post suck? Me personally?

You fail English?

Christmas Ape said...

And in regards to Tomlin, you're condemning him for his first season as a head coach on any level in which he won a division title? Bill Belisecondplace can't say he did that.

Hank Wackman said...

Holy shit. Are you really doing the "typo-dis"? OK, I'll bite. You really have no original ideas do you? Maybe you do? No, no you don't. That's umpossible.

Even though the AFC North was an embarrassment this year, a division title is a division title I'll give you that. But seeing how you can't win a home playoff game maybe that's not the best strategy?

Now where's that spell check?

Grimey said...

Times like these I'm happy I cheer for Tampa Bay, a team that no one can say anything bad about

Christmas Ape said...

Combined record of the four teams in the AFC North: 32-32

Combined record of the four teams in the AFC East (including one that went 16-0): 28-36

Keep coming with those great ideas.

Aaron said...

Oh man, making fun of a sports town that has practically nothing to complain about is awesome.

Can I make fun of the Boston asshats for not ponying up and stealing Santana from MN too? I guess after Ortiz, Garnett, and Moss over there, missing Santana to the Mets is still kind of like going, oh, 18-1, or building up all these expectations to win an NBA championship this year and then probably falling short... I'm sorry. I'll let that one play out actually. Enjoy our retreads! I'll stick to the small market bullshit that I have to live through every day and two world series rings to our name. Not fantastic, but not douchey asshatry either.

By the way, I understand that you have to stick up for your team. No fault there. And I do think the Giants suck also. They're almost as insufferable as ... no, we'll leave that alone.

Clutch Is Everything said...

Big Daddy Drew is the fuckin man

hot pork said...

I don't think Patriot fans have any right to say anything. EVER. The greatest choke in Superbowl history. It's ridiculous that they're still trying to talk smack.

thecoyote said...

more simmons deushery:

Q: Can you clarify something for us New Yorkers? The cocky attitude that New England fans carried about the perfect Patriots was suddenly turned into classy responses of "you beat us fair and square," with very few comments like "I hope New York burns in hell." I expected more of the latter. Was your "classiness" just a facade, and have Boston fans exposed themselves as thin once things go south? Or is this more of an Eddie Murphy in "Trading Places" thing where you are a KARATE MAN and get bruised on the inside and don't show your weaknesses? What gives?
-- Jason K., New York

SG: You have to remember, Patriots fans were constantly bristling during the 2001, 2003 and 2004 seasons when opposing players and fans played the "they had no business winning that game," and "maybe they were the winning team, but they weren't the best team" cards. Hence, the "nobody respects us!" angle that was pushed ad nauseum by Patriots players and fans alike. As crazy as this sounds, we believed that 60-minute football games should be used to determine who had the best team, not what "could" have happened or what "should" have happened. (Sorry, everyone from Pittsburgh, St. Louis and Indy.) So when the Giants outplayed the Patriots in Super Bowl XLII, we admitted as much -- we've seen good defense and good coaching topple too many "talented" teams to call that game a fluke.

John Foley said...

Blogger Dan said...
Man.. if only we had a World Series ring and the best team in the NBA to console us...


What do you mean "we," white man?

Miyamoto's Chin said...

Man, I love the ranging perspectives from Patriots fans on this site. From "It's not funny anymore, so stop it or I'll boycott!" to "YOU SUCK XMAS APE! YOU'RE FAT AND SUCK PURPLE JESUS' COCK BDD, OH AND THE VIKINGS SUCK!"

I guess it depends whether you're pretending that you're over the Pats being the biggest chokers of all time and assuming that everyone else should get over it as well, OR if you're just not acknowledging your piece of shit cheating 2nd place team and going on the offensive to mask your tears. God I love this, you guys should turn provoking Pats fans into a weekly feature.

twoeightnine said...

Take it easy on Hank, he had to spend the first 70 years of his life without an NFL team to root for and now he might die before his team wins a Super Bowl fair and square.

J.L. White said...

Wait. I've been doing more than my share of Pats bashing! Why aren't their fans attacking the Steelers?

Well Ape, I'm not a Pats fan or anything, but.....um, if you need someone to attack the Steelers, then....well, uh, I humbly, how you say....um, volunteer for that job.

Nah, it's late. Making fun of Pats fans is more fun these days, anyways.

Tech N9ne's Tribute to Falco said...

Not to fist this idea so heavy handedly but:

Seriously, Drew Bledsoe has to making up stories about getting handjobs from Gisele and Jessica right about now...

MartinTheMerciless said...

Whoa Duuude. The Klu (less) fucking, klutz, Klan pats are out in force 2nite. Isn't this st. valentines day? Waaaszamata, your gift didn't make muster? Too cheap, insensitive, too gay? Did your "main squeeze" storm out of the front door? Is "IT" down the hall, pulling a train on those Knee-grows?

Hark! What's this I hear? In the Autumn Wind? TUCK RULES!

THE PAIN....THE PAIN.... THE PAIN, it never goes away. It festers in your soul.

GOD WANTED YOU TO LOSE. Do you think Eli and David beat you with mad skills? I saw the hand of GOD come down and make that play? I gots me Mos Def TV. I saw that shit.

AAAAAAHHHHHH, HHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAA

yO pATS: it always darkest before dawn. Did you know (Guinness world) that the 2007 Patriots won more games than any team in MUTHERFUCKING NFL history? Whoa Dude, that's fawkin awesome. YOU RULE!!!

What did one patriot (should that be capitalized?) SPERM say to the other patriot's SPERM? .. anybody?

P. (Mutherfucking) S. Onion nailed it. Patriot season perfect for rest of nation. NObody likes you, except maybe yo momma, but she could be jivein. NOOOObody likes you. Crawl
back under your rock and die fags.

NHZ said...

Nothing like another thread dedicated to Patriot-bashing and Patriot-defending! All right, this NEVER gets old!

Fuck you, word verification.

dick_gozinia said...

Remember when the country as a whole (except for Mets fans) felt bad for Boston when they spectacularly choked away the '86 World Series? Those were the good ole days.

In other words, if it weren't for Boston fans' newfound ridiculous sense of self importance and complete and utter arrogance, people wouldn't be fucking reveling in this.

BEHM777 said...

You Patriot fans should try a little Tabasco on that humble pie. It will taste better.

quiet strength said...

You Patriot fans sure have proved that you aren't douchebags. Defended yourselves quite mightily, yes. Congratulations: Boston owns the most undouchey fanbase in America!

In case you couldn't tell, I was being sarcastic! You are a senile, buck-toothed old mummy with bony girl arms and you smell like an elephant's butt!

@bambi - True...while the signs were there, none of us could have predicted the level of douchiness that lie dormant in the hearts of Boston...sigh...

Otto Man said...

Times like these I'm happy I cheer for Tampa Bay, a team that no one can say anything bad about

Tampa Bay still has a team?

Leaking Geek said...

Pats Fans tears are a cool and refreshing beverage that chase away those late winter blues.

Cheers mates!

Tom Brady's Man Chowder said...

@ape - steely mcgay & that guy who talked shit and got absolutely abused vs the pats

@drew -good for business indeed

@hater nation - good morning and OMG DID YOU SEE BECKETTS GUT!!!

Robert Ullman said...

For the record, I meant to type "cunty". Used as an adjective. I can spel.

devang said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
devang said...

Folks, it's this simple:

If any of you Pats fans signed that ridiculous petition imploring Der Kommisar to replay the last 1:40 of the game, then you have no fucking business bitching about your town, or your team.

You conveniently forget that Baltimore got fucking robbed in when they were called for a non-existent penalty. You could've still been 18-1.

Your O-line got hammered because they couldn't get away with their usual holds and leg whips that were never called on them during the season. I believe they had the least amount of holding calls all year. Sorry folks, your O-line got exposed when they couldn't get away with illegal play, and I'd be surprised if Matt Light is still playing for the Pats next year.

brad said...

So, Boston fans want us to stop piling on after their Pats blew it in the Super Bowl.

Okay, I'll extend the olive branch. I'll stop laughing myself silly over 18-1 when you stop crying about it.

By my calculations, that should happen sometime around the Twelfth of Never.

Otto Man said...

By the way, I love the photo for the post. It's like a cross between the Blue Man Group and a retrospective of Roger Clemens' steroid use.

Pictured: Roger Clements (left), Roided Up Roger Clemens (center), HULK SMASH Roger Clemens (right)

Not pictured: Dignity; Discernible Mass

Grimey said...

Tampa Bay still has a team?

Yeah! We have uniforms and everything!

Christmas Ape said...

Brady Chowder: You mean Anthony Smith? The backup safety who was playing because Polamalu and Clark were injured? Nnnnnooooo! Surely for an insult to such a core player I must come back with a knock on Kyle Eckel or somebody of equal import.

Ya Boy Blue said...

@ dan:

that missed catch was the difference in the goddamn superbowl.

And if my Jets won 6 more games they would've been in the playoffs.... but they didn't so it's FAHKIN' IRRELEVANT... ya schvantz.

That's the best part to me; how many excuses these douchefags have come up with for losing a game they couldn't ponder losing beforehand.

Here's the real deal: you peaked early in the season, screwed karma in the ass against Buffalo, barely won the next few games (including some nice help from the zebras), and almost got beat by a hobbled and lonenly 'Lard.

19-0? suck on a fatty, Tawmy

Great post, BDD

Otto Man said...

Yeah! We have uniforms and everything!

Well, I just think that's super.

As a Chiefs fan, we only have a set of historical re-enactors. The guy playing Hank Stram looks nothing like him, though.

Upstate Underdog said...

Nice to see the Pat's fans crying in their Kodiak spit cups almost 2 weeks after the Super Bowl.

The Last Unitard said...

This is fantastic.

Prior to 18-1, Pats wagoneers were boastful and arrogant, but felt so secure that they didn't feel the need to attack shittier teams. But now that their team can't even be counted among the 20 greatest of all time, the backlash at the haters is delicious. And it only gets more so as they leap from the wagon.

NeverNude said...

To refute both Man Chowder and XMAS Ape:

I find Man Chowder hilarious and would give compensatory rim jobs in return for continual humor.

While I don't think most would dispute that the AFC East is one of the more pathetic conferences in the NFL, the Patriots were 6-0 vs. this years playoff teams while the Steelers were 1-2.

But alas, 18-1 is 18-1. You can use statistics to prove anything. 14% of people know that.

Christmas Ape said...

But the Pats were 0-1 in Super Bowls this past season.

My Insignificant Life said...

@ never

14%, with a margin of error at +/- 86%.

/going back to watching paternity test results on Maury

NeverNude said...

Ape

Very true. I do believe that the season is played for the super bowl as well.

Just a few words of caution. As a fellow douchebag boston fan, the "18-1" chants are resoundingly similar to douchebag Yankee chants of "19-18"... while admittedly not even close to the douchiness of "Yankees Suck". Reveling in the defeat of a team that is not your rival is the first step to becoming a douchy fan.

@ Insignificant Life... is that the episode with brady?

Christmas Ape said...

Very true. I do believe that the season is played for the Super Bowl as well.

Okay. Well, the Steelers are 5-1 in those, whilst New England is 3-3.

NeverNude said...

What is this argument even about? Who is the better team historically? Or just when it matters? I'm lost.

Anyway. Steelers are great, Patriots suck. I'm stupid. You're smart. I was wrong. You were right. You're the best. I'm the wrost. You're very good-looking. I'm not very attractive.

Christmas Ape said...

The argument is about me being bored and combative.

quiet strength said...

Actually reveling in the defeat of douchebag teams with douchebag fans is part of the fun of sports. Spamming message board gloating about how great your team is what makes for a douchey fan.

And after seeing how douchey Red Sox fans are now, the 1918 chants were entirely deserved. And then some.

NeverNude said...

On that note. Does anyone in this world have a better job than Simmons? There is nothing worse than seeing someone making a shit load of money doing something that you feel you could do. I have mediocre athletic talent at best, Christ, my football team even lost to Drew's alma mater which is pathetic, so I know fully well that I could not play a professional sport better than a pro (except Scalabrine). However, Simmons just writes about his hometown teams, references the same movies/pop culture references over and over, and makes millions a year. I've been giving handy's in the subways stations for over 4 years and haven't made a fraction of that.

Some good simmons bashing should bring unity to the crowd

Comicbook Guy said...

/extends middle finger

NeverNude said...

I fail

Ya Boy Blue said...

I think the most douche-tastic aspect was how massholes could not even fathom the Giants winning that game. Like 19-0 was some sort of birthright. Asshats.

Then they get pwned by Elisha...

Christmas Ape said...

Simmons once had a strong writing voice underscored with fresh material, until he made a name for himself and got paid. He's popular enough now that he can coast off his past work and favored placement at the Four Letter's site, only seldomly turning out anything of worth. And he does.

Otto Man said...

The argument is about me being bored and combative.

Which is exactly how we wound up in Iraq.

/poflawa 3!

Tom Brady's Man Chowder said...

@ape - you're 0-1 in not being gay

@otto - don't try and change the subject

Ya Boy Blue said...

Affirmed:

http://www.dickipedia.org/dick.php?title=Tom_Brady

/Awesomeness

Tech N9ne's Tribute to Falco said...

@ Otto Man

Actually, I find Bill Grigsby to be a compelling Hank Stram, only less drunk. I just find Whitlock's the Nigerian Nightmare (insert Pat's joke here) Okaye, less than believable.

My Insignificant Life said...

@ never

yes and he said he hopes to reach NBA levels of fatherhood.

Chip Fu said...

holy fuck you whack faggots. the next comment that contains stats, debating, XMas Ape critiques and no LOL's should get printed out, mashed into a ball and shoved into that poster's starfish.

fucking buzzkill muthafuckers.

btw: kodiak feels so good because it cuts your lip up, letting the nicotine seep in so much faster.

/dips skoal

Mongo said...

As a douchy Red Sox fan, I always thought the "19-18" chants were hi-larious.

"Yankees Suck" is just so much sour grapes and years of bitter defeats.

It's like swearing in the first place. You don't know the right word to use so you just throw in a "fuck" or "shit" (although now it seems to be "gay" or "dick")in and your argument then has power.

Some Boston (and they would have to be the loudest, most whiny contingent to give all of us a bad name) fans seem to think we have the market cornered on misery (or now on winning). It ain't so. Every team has had heartbreak. Every town has had hot streaks.

And when Boston comes down off this high it's going to have the whiny fans hugging their knees and rocking in the corner remembering fondly 1986 and Buckner because that won't seem so bad anymore.

The Patriots got beat by a better team because Bellichicken lost his happy place and his testicles shrank back down to the size of an L-street brownie after his yearly swim in the Hahbah. And now word comes out that he has been cheating the whole time he was here.

I am through defending them because you can't with a straight face.

Mongo said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
DeCAF! said...

Drew,

You delete my comments faster than Simmons won't allow them.