Thursday, February 14, 2008

KSK's Valentine to... Suzy Kolber


Suzy, no one would blame you if you had a crummy Valentine's Day. You have to be feeling down in the dumps right now. Here you are with a shortie on the way and ESPN is kicking you unceremoniously to the curb. We think that is a total load of bull flop. You should hire that guy from Boston Legal and sue their asses good. He'll show them that you can't push Suzy around and get away with it.

But we don't want to cure your legal woes; we want to mend your broken heart. We can come over and fix you a nice dinner. (We have a kickass spaghetti recipe.) Fudgie the Whale for dessert. Then it's Backrub City and Grey's Anatomy!

People say we're crazy. They say Suzy hates the dick, and we're just wasting our time. Well Suzy, we're cool with your life-choices. In fact, if asked, we would be willing to pretend to be Jodie Foster or k.d. lang.

Happy Valentines Day Suzy, if you ever, EVER change your mind-- give us a call. We'll be waiting by the phone.



25 comments:

Otto Man said...

People say we're crazy. They say Suzy hates the dick, and we're just wasting our time.

I think you stand a chance with the spaghetti dinner.

Unless "Tangy" Italian doesn't mean what I think it means.

Drave said...

Hey, she just married some guy. Though he might be a eunuch...

Pale Writer said...

That was the sweetest thing I have ever read.


/Explains why he's single.

Tech N9ne's Tribute to Falco said...

The "tangy" is what got it classified as a date rape drug.



/BDD you tell her good: No South Americans, No Eastern Europeans, and no guys that won't at least pop for Buca Di' Beppos

JAMMQ said...

How the hell is Namath supposed to hit on her now?

Awful Chief said...

So she's not even part of the NASCAR coverage anymore?

/barely resisting urge to make terrible "pole" joke

John Zuidema said...

damn straight, tech n9ne, buca's is the shit.

Comicbook Guy said...

Aw, you guys are just too sweet. Take your namesake out for a delightful dinner and then what ever happens in Vegas.........
/stays in Vegas

dick_gozinia said...

Fudgie the Whale? Suzy's a Cookie Puss girl if I ever saw one.

Punch Rockgroin said...

I want to kiss you.

Joel said...

Suzy is gay? Holy shit I need to read the paper more. No wonder Joe couldn't hit that.

Otto Man said...

No wonder Joe couldn't hit that.

In the state he was in, Joe couldn't have hit Broadway.

futuremrsrickankiel said...

This is a truly lovely sentiment. Happy Valentine's Day, indeed.

twoeightnine said...

Oh scissor me!

Hercules Rockefeller said...

Can we get a vial of sperm and an applicator that looks like Jodie Foster's knuckle?

Narts said...

@twoeightnine

Scissor me timbers!

KC Cal said...

Maybe Suzy can now be the sports person on the Ellen show or something.

Cheap shot, I know.

the great bambi said...

now this "we" you refer to that will be on Kornheiser's ass...is this the "we" we, or the royal we?

SlideShow Bob said...

Denny Crain would totaly hit that.

The Pirate Sloth said...

Andrea looks like a fucking troll. She scares me whenever she is on the sidelines reporting. I always have to get up and throw up a little whenever she is on.

wv: dwkuwpv - exactly what I sound like when she comes on the TV.

futuremrsrickankiel said...

Dear god. The comments on that FanHouse article make me want to curl up in the corner and weep softly for humanity.

The Unreliable Narrator said...

I can't tell which one is more disturbing:

"bitches don't belong on the football field"

or

"Pam Oliver is HOT!!!"

dick_gozinia said...

Pam Oliver ain't hot???

Well fuck me runnin'! You all just haven't seen her from her good side. Badonkadonk.

Kevin said...

one less female for tirico to grab-ass

Gern said...

She's no lesbo, smell my finger.