Wednesday, February 6, 2008

Kurt n' Kitna: On The Links

Kitna: Alright, listen up, faggot. It's the 17th hole. We got 110 yards into some wind, elevated green, bunkers on the front and right. It’s a back pin on a flat green. Hundred bucks, closest to the pin?

Kurt: Sure, you’re on.

Kitna: So let's do a hundred bucks closes to the pin, and another hundred for a par or better on the hole.

Kurt: You know, I think I have a better idea.

Kitna: Oh, look out! Mary Queen of Cocks has a better idea! Let’s hear it.

Kurt: If I win this hole, I get to fuck your wife.

Kitna: [stunned silence]

Kurt: If I win I get to take your wife on a date. No, your wife has to fly out here to Arizona. I’ll pick her up at the airport terminal with a bouquet of roses and a rag soaked in ether. I’ll drag her lifeless body to a remote motel where even the roaches are too fucking scared to crawl around. Then I’ll duct-tape her to the bed and just let the ambiance of the moment take over.

Kitna: What’s ether?

Kurt: Remember what we did to the doorman at the Ritz-Carlton?

Kitna: Yeah…

Kurt: That’s ether.

Kitna: Oh, sweet. Hey, wait a second. What do I get if I win?

Kurt: You get to fuck my wife.

Kitna: Yeah, that’s great. Will she play “Come To My Window” on her acoustic guitar before she takes off her boots?

Kurt: Well, what do you-- [looks over, panics] Shit, it’s Coach Wiz!

Kitna: Goddammit. Put your Jesus Face on.

Kurt: Jesus Face, got it.

Coach Whisenhunt: Hi, Kurt. Hello Jon. Nice day, isn’t it?

Kitna: Yes, the Lord has truly blessed us with delightful weather today.

Kurt: Truly blessed us, indeed.

Coach Whisenhunt: So Kurt, sorry to bother like this, but Mr. Bidwell said he’s missing some of his pens from the facility—

Kurt: No, but…I don’t know anything—

Coach Whisenhunt: --and he asked me to ask you to keep an eye out for any suspicious activity. You’re still one of the leaders on this team, Kurt, no matter how shitty a player you are today.

Kurt: Yessir. That's what being a good Christian is all about.

Kitna: About being a leader. Not necessarily being a mediocre quarterback. That's really more coincidental than anything.

Coach Whisenhunt:I knew we could count on you, Kurt. Good to see you again, Jon. [Coach leaves]

Kitna: Go with Christ, sir!

Kurt: Go with Christ, Coach!

Kitna: [out of earshot] Oh, fuck, that was close. So he came up here to bother you about fucking pens?!?!

Kurt: Mr. Bidwell’s very attentive to his overhead.

Kitna: He’s very attentive to keeping the diameter of his anus as narrow as possible. Fucking tightass. How can you play for such a cheap piece of shit owner?

Kurt: [sad face]

Kitna: Don’t answer that, Tinkerbell.

Kurt: Okay.

Kitna: What the fuck were we talking about?

Kurt: What do you want if you--

Kitna: Oh, right. If I win, I want all the secret porn on your laptop. The good shit you keep in that GAMEPLAN VS 49ERS desktop folder, because there sure as fuck ain't no gameplan in there. So my wife for your quality porn. Sounds fair to me.

Kurt: [thinks about it] Deal. [they shake hands]

Kitna: Shit, that reminds me, I have to speak at that all-girls high school on Thursday.

[Kitna tees it up, swings, ball hits the flagstick and lands six feet from the hole]

Kitna: How do ya like me now, Homocop?

Kurt: Nice.

Kitna: That is nice. I can feel my eyes getting monitor burn already.

[Kurt tees the ball up, swings, hits a ground ball that rolls all the way up to the green and stops exactly opposite from Kitna’s ball]

Kurt: That’s gonna be close!

[They get in the cart and ride toward the green]

Kitna: So what are we gonna do with all those pens?

Kurt: Beats the shit outta me. What are we gonna do with that doorman?


Otto Man said...

/golf clap

Kidding, kidding. Beautifully done.

twoeightnine said...

Q: What’s ether?
A: The easiest way to say I love you.

85 said...

I like where this is going.

J.L. White said...

Hmmm....I wonder why Kitna balked at nailing Kurt Warner's wife....

Nice work MMP, I look forward to reading more about these two faux fundamentalists very soon!

Moof! said...

I would think two devout Christians such as K&K would not wear such 'faggy' clothes. Jesus fucking Christ knows I wouldn't.

Raskolnikov said...

Kitna:What aren't we gonna do with that doorman? He's got more estrogen than Brenda.

Francois Leroux Speedskater said...

I shoulda yelled two!

This has the potential to be very very good.

Dale said...

Oh I like where this is headed.

Jeff K said...

"Put your Jesus face on."

Classic. I'm using that line all day today (Ash Wednesday--ha).

Les Savy Ferd said...

Awww, they are friends. how adorable.

Dr. Mexico said...

I need Kurt n Kitna to continue, please don't let this be a one time deal.

Leaking Geek said...

He’s very attentive to keeping the diameter of his anus as narrow as possible. Fucking tightass. How can you play for such a cheap piece of shit owner?

I cannot wait to watch as Bidwell dismantles this team because he realizes how much he has to pay Fitz and Boldin in the next few years.

/Leinert whimpers

Comicbook Guy said...

Great start to another ongoing series!

Alex said...

This has the potential of being as good as Jones vs. Phillips.

/slappy titties

futuremrsrickankiel said...

Yes. Yes. A thousand times yes.

Chamomiles Davis said...

[cart rides over]

Well, if it ain't the Hard-on Boys! You humble homos mind if me and Tittle-ist here play through? YEEEEEE-HAW!

/feeble attempt at crossover

Grimey said...

One of my college roommates had a not-so-bright girlfriend, so he hid his porn in the last place she would try to look... a folder named "CALCULUS."

Tech N9ne's Tribute to Falco said...

4 words: Gang Rape Bible Camp

Tech N9ne's Tribute to Falco said...

jeeze punter, that's not THAT wrong

Joel said...

This site is absolutely hilarious, and I"m still stuck on "Fuck This Baby". Keep it coming!

Dr.VanNostren said...

Pat Robertson approves this series.

Great work MMP

zetternutz said...

[cart flies open]

Marmarlard: Ya betta ask someboddddddaaaaaayyyyyyy

How's it going cockfuckers? Didn't think you'd see a real quarterfuckingback on the links, did ya? FUCK YOU. YOU FALSE PROPHETS HAVE RELATIONS WITH WOMENFOLK AND THAT'S WRONG.

Where's L.T.? Do the let black guys on this pristine pile of douche? I need to beat his other knee with a club.


[picks up Warner's ball and heaves it towards the crocodile. Descends in a high arc that lands in the hole]

Warner: Play it as it lies, fuckface. I win.


/be gentle, it's my first time.

Upstate Underdog said...

Kitna made the right choice by choosing porn over actually fucking Warner's wife.

Otto Man said...

Kitna made the right choice by choosing porn over actually fucking Warner's wife.

I guess it takes a special kind of man to be turned on by an R. Lee Ermey lookalike.

JA3 said...

Instant classic. After just one episode, I'm already looking forward to this series dulling the pain of the offseason.

smurphette said...

That "fun with ether" tag could be trouble. And by trouble I mean awesome.

Leaking Geek said...

@ Otto Man:

Whats your Major Malfunction Numbnuts?

+1, well played

Francois Leroux Speedskater said...

Jesus Christ those were some good golf shots!

/Isaac Bruce

quiet strength said...

I sort of imagine Tony Dungy fitting into this as the crazy, pantsless uncle. Hoping he makes an appearance.

zetternutz said...

@ quiet strength

Kurt n' Kitna n' Koach?

KKK anyone? Seems appropriate for a bunch of jesus-face-wearing fundamentalists.

Chris said...

I'm sure Ken thinks that the 30 passing touchdown drives that Kurt led when he wasn't even starting till week 6 are sh*tty.

As for fundamentalists, Kurt and Jon are definitely not of the fundamentalist Baptist variety.

Mike Murray said...

Annoying Cardinals Fan sez:

"It's Bidwill, not Bidwell"

I'm lame, I know.

Jeff V said...

This has potential.

I especially like the adding in Dungy idea.

Can they get hookers in the next episode. Pretty Please!