Wednesday, February 20, 2008

I Really Could Use Some Carolina Panther News Right About Now

Got the daughter kicking up a big fuss about Wake beating Duke o'er the weekend. You think I care about some namby-pamby collegiate bucketballers in their shortie-shorts? I need me some gull durned footbaw.

And when you're talking footbaw, don't nothing top Carolina Panther footbaw. The tradition grows with each passing year. I 'member back in 1995, I was 31 and had just gotten my associate degree in Electrical and Electronics Maintenance and Repair Technology, Other. No more working at the Stuckey's for Bob Junior. I was off to conquer the big city, Fayetteville.

I needed something to spend my pay day advance loans on other than the mortgage or dialysis for my pa and Panther footbaw was just the ticket.

But lately, they just content to be stuck in a holding pattern. Who's our coach? Fox. Who's our quarterback? Danged if I know! What's our big off-season story? Franchise tag for Jordan Gross? Not even a new coach or a splashy signing or some lesbo cheerleaders!

I want them to be part of some big story! I want headlines! Did the Pats tape our walkthrough before Super Bowl XXXVIII? No? Well, why the heck not? Southern walkthrough is just as good as any!

I'm willing to bet that Sir Purr just handed over all our secrets to the Pats. Never did trust that no-account polecat. Tries to lure you into think he's honest by putting his fingerprints on his shirt, like he's got nothing to hide.

Knows what's good for him, he'll keep quiet about the meth lab in my basement. Ol' Bob Junior knows a state trooper or two what can keep a secret. I always figured having Darla marry that feller would come in handy.

29 comments:

Upstate Underdog said...

Is face paint guy wearing shoulder pads? fucking shoulder pads !

KC Cal said...

The guy who tattooed the Pats helmet on his head probably suggested to guy in that photo to tattoo those wiskers on his face... forever!

18-1 said...

Carolina has a football team??? Which Carolina? Next thing you'll be telling me Kansas City has a football team! In Missouri! This expansion stuff is getting out of hand. Playing games somewhere besides New York City and Whiteland, or wherever it is the Pats play... It's ludicrous! No wonder we have teams going 18-1 and 1-15.

SlideShow Bob said...

Bring back Vinny!

Jeffrey said...

So is the goatee supposed to be some type of indicator as to where the face might end and the neck begins?

Look at the curvature...there's hardly a wrinkle to hint at the beginning of a chin

dick_gozinia said...

GAY ALERT!!!!

Has anybody seen "Junebug"?

The scene where the warehouse worker keeps talking about re-watching the Carolina-Pats Super Bowl and every time he thinks the Panthers are gonna pull it out. Just perfect...

Grimey said...

GIVE THA BALL TA HOOOOOO-VAH!!!

Jackin'4Beats said...

Smitty might have somethin' ta say about dat!

The Last Unitard said...

As a long time North Carolina resident, I can verify the accuracy of this post.

a few notes:

Don't ever go to Fayetteville.

Payday advance loan places are no longer legal in this state. (Fuck!)

I work for the Emergency Department of a hospital, and yes, meth labs do blow up.

Otto Man said...

Don't ever go to Fayetteville.

Went to college with a guy from Fayetteville. He always called it Fayette Nam, and seemed just as shell shocked.

Moof! said...

Meth labs only blow up if you tell people about them.

18-1 said...

Why's Mike Holmgren painting on pussy whiskers and a wearing a Panthers Jersey? I'd be pissed if I were a Seattle fan.

feep said...

Wow. That is a lot of paint.

MoonshineMike said...

Steely McBeam on Line 1, Mr. Ape.

Chamomiles Davis said...

Fat men and goatees: The Reese's Peanut Butter Cup of facial hair combinations.

Chris(BessMervinGirlDetective) said...

The south will rise again mother fuckers.

Tech N9ne's Tribute to Falco said...

The goatees so they know he's "Fuhykin Furrse"

Pony Up Yours said...

Hey Chris is that in jest or are you just another good ol' boy with their head up their ass? Just as a New Yorker at SMU I see alot of that. Although I do like your women.

grungedave said...

the women at SMU... beautiful (including one Ms. Sarah Shahi - last summer's KSK obsession and former SMU coed). It's partially why I stayed there for law school.

Chris(BessMervinGirlDetective) said...

@Pony - I will assume it's your first time visiting KSK, yes it is sarcasm.

Also it is true, we southern have much better looking women. No offense to Smurphette and Mrs. Ankiel, I would still have wild drunken sex with you.

Otto Man said...

The south will rise again mother fuckers.

Not anytime soon.

smurphette said...

No offense taken, Chris, thanks. Although I went to college in the South, I realize that being half Mexican and a brunette automatically disqualifies me, regardless.

Jackin'4Beats said...

Being from NY, I've seen a ton of great looking women but living in VA for 4 years I do have to say that the south definitely has some real purrty ladies.

Loved those at UVA especially. Nothing beats a smokin' hot chick that doesn't realize how bad she is until YOU tell her.

Josh said...

shit, I thought we were far too irrelevant to be mocked. this is actually a boon for Panthers fans and Carolinians everywhere.

/returns to having mancrush on Wayne Ellington's jump-shot.

Will said...

So we've had two seasons of disappointment at the start from the Panthers. Isn't it about time for them to be doing well during the season, only to shit the bed in the playoffs?

pain-ther fan said...

Don't put a link to a class at coastal caroling university (actually in Myrtle Beach SC, 150 miles away), everybody in charlotte (who went to college, and did not move down here from new jersey) went to UCLA. the University of Charlotte, 'lisabeth avenue. also known as CPCC, the top echelon of higher education in charlotte. I hate those fags who paint there face, wherever they are, and who hug up on fuzzy mascots.

fatcatt316 said...

I just went to my first Carolina Panthers game last fall -- too bad I was wearing a Frank Gore jersey and saw the 49ers get crushed by another bad team.

qualude conduct said...

North Carolina is one of the leading figures in the fight for cancer.

pain-ther fan said...

@ smurfette

No offense taken, Chris, thanks. Although I went to college in the South, I realize that being half Mexican and a brunette automatically disqualifies me, regardless.

I wish you hadn't said that, now my fantasies of a tiny blue football loving woman are over.