Friday, February 29, 2008

KSK Mock Draft: The Best Fruit for Your Deserted Island

Not every mock draft can be something awesome, you know. There are only so many variations of the theme "Breasts We'd Like to Touch" before things get stale and we have to mix things up. We crave intellectual stimulation, don't you know.

Earlier this week, we saw this image on XKCD...

...and it sparked surprisingly passionate responses from the crew -- "Cherries should be closer to difficult." "Green apples over red apples?" "I fucking HATE seeded grapes." Thus spawned quite possibly the lamest (and, ironically, most contentious) mock draft we've ever had: the fruit draft.

The scenario: You are on a deserted island. There is enough fish and local game to provide you with regular nourishment, but food is not so bountiful that you can enjoy a constant, sated comfort. However, you will have an unlimited amount of the fruit you draft -- and ONLY the fruit you draft -- to supplement your diet. You also have the necessary tools (knife or whatever) to eat your selected fruit. Per an inquiry from Drew, the presence or lack of alcohol on the island should not be part of a fruit's consideration. In addition, draft participants were asked in advance not to be a pain in the ass by ignoring the intent of the draft, namely by doing something clever like taking "honey crisp apple" once red apple and green apple were off the board, or selecting "Jeff Garcia" for a cheap, obvious laugh. Most of us followed these guidelines.

Two rounds. Serpentine order. Go.

1. Christmas Ape: Peaches


"I dislike melons to the point that they, especially cantaloupe, cause me to vomit after only a few bites. The coconut would be fun to throw, but seeing as how the island is deserted, that joy is lost. Leaving aside the Nic Cage Face/Off jokes, I can indeed eat a peach for hours."

2. flubby: Grapes

"Let me preface my first pick by commending Drew on picking one of the draft topics submitted to us by the AARP. What were the runners up? Favorite cast member of the Lawrence Welk Show? Favorite Maine lighthouses?"


flubby, of course, is the eldest member of KSK by half a decade, and is thus sensitive about these things. The lady doth protest too much, and all that.

3. Unsilent Majority: Peanuts

"I'll take the peanut. That along with a little George Washington Carver-esque creativity should make life pretty livable. And if not, I can always invent a boat powered by peanuts."

flub: A legume, NOT A FRUIT.

UM
: IT'S ON THE LIST!

UM: [quoting something, probably another Wiki page] "A legume is a simple dry fruit which develops from a simple carpel and usually dehisces (opens along a seam) on two sides." blow me, lawboy

flub: Culinary fruits??? I thought this was open to botanical fruits only.

Things went on this way for a while. It devolved into smart-alecky one-liners, Simpsons quotes, and a preemptive ban on tomatoes and avocadoes, which led to more histrionics from the Maj, which led to the citation of Nix v. Hedden, the Supreme Court case that ruled that tomatoes were vegetables. Maj's devotion to picking ANYTHING BESIDES FRUIT in the fruit draft was actually kind of impressive.


After enough brow-beating, we finally got to this:

3. Unsilent Majority: Oranges

"so I don't get scuuuuurrrrvy."


4. Monday Morning Punter: Kiwi


Punter noted that the best way to eat kiwifruit is to cut it in half, then scoop out the good stuff with a spoon. So if you're still peeling them, get with the times, man.

5. Captain Caveman: Mangoes

A pain in the ass to eat, but absolutely delicious.

6. Big Daddy Drew: Bananas

"I eat one pretty much every day. Plus, they don't give me canker sores like oranges and citrus, and they keep my bowel movements nice and firm."

7. Drew: Lemons


The only thing Bart is teaching is guerilla combat in Shelbyville.


"If I have fish, I gotta have lemon. Plus if I find sugar cane I can make lemonade, which is just bitchin on a sunny day."


UM: and if i can find a gun i can shoot myself to avoid living in a world without legumes

A bit of reach on Drew's part, but I suppose he was drafting for need.

8. Caveman: Strawberries

CC: I was gonna go with the en vogue acai berry, but fresh strawberries are an excellent combination of taste and ease.

UM: strawberries and acai were the only things left on my board

9. Punter: açaí

UM: cuntblossom!

Punter: You fucking deserve it for being such a pain in the ass.

10. UM: Apples


"because this draft is gay, and i already have oranges. fuck it all."

11. flubby: square watermelons



12. Ape: Pineapple.

"I was looking at blueberries, which are nice to eat by the handful, but I think pineapple is a better complement to the peach. It also gives me something to while away some time on my deserted island."

Indeed. Welp, that was a pain in the ass and a waste of everyone's time. Same time next week?

80 comments:

John S. said...

Dates. They have good levels of Vitamin A, C, B1, B2, B6 and E, plus, are not just a bunch of water trapped in a skin. Moreover, they keep pretty well, so, when you decide to try and get off the island, you can pack a bunch with you.

Tracer Bullet said...

Great. I finally get hear early enough to make a good pick and it's for a dumbass draft like this.

I'll take blackberries because, as they say, the blacker the berry, the sweeter the juice.

Josh said...

sweet jesus, september can't get here fast enough.

that said, I'll take huckleberries. once you've had fresh, you'll never go back to canned. now, if the berries are too tart, I just dust them with confectioner's sugar.

quiet strength said...

Hmm...I actually feel excited about being able to select cherries...

/ponders life

larry b said...

How did pears last this long? Unbelievable. I had them going no later than 5 or 6, but I'm obviously very happy they fell to me. They'll be making you all pay for passing on them for the next 10-12 years.

big skinny said...

Is peyote a fruit?

imba said...

Dear god, bring back football, please, please bring back football. I will sacrifice anything to make the madness stop. (Said the Pats fan)

Jason said...

@josh: where do you get confectioner's sugar on a deserted island? or would that be desserted island?

gotta go plums, which can also be dried into prunes which i'll be able to use if i'm on the island several decades.

i also recommend chokeberries for Pats fans, mmm mmm good

Upstate Underdog said...

are pomagranates fruit ? If so I'll take those.

John S. said...

When I sit back and think of this draft I wonder... does it "suck?"

I mean, it is not any different from any other draft in the sense that we are listing, in order of desire but subject to availability, a certain item from a particular class of subject as that class of subject is viewed through a certain situation. (e.g. Porn stars (subject) you get to sleep with for one night (situation), football players (subject) you would want on a fictional team (situation).

Why is this draft any different?

I submit to you that it is not.

For that reason, I say to you, I can NOT believe that cherries fell to me.

John S. said...

quiet strength... since you simply pondered the taking of cherries, and did not actually take them, they were still on the board.

Suck it Descartes.

Tom Brady's Man Chowder said...

Cantaloupe

Pavan said...

Rambutan - good shit.

Perks said...

Punter taking the acai was the best part of that draft.

I'm taking the coconut

Permanent4 said...

Goji, motherfuckers! GOJI!!!!

And if you're really in a bind for football, the Arena League season starts this weekend.

FFJewbacca said...

Started out thinking this draft would be stupid and pointless and by god, you guys didn't disappoint.

That being said, I'll take the schnozzberry, which is as much a real fruit as a legume...or Jeff Garcia.

Sorry that one was low-hanging.

Pepster said...

If you ask me, this whole draft is about a bunch of dingleberries.

Nevertheless, I'll take star fruit.

Chris(BessMervinGirlDetective) said...

Blackberries, they are delicious.

Tracer Bullet said...

Blackberries are off the board and dammit, I wanted star fruit. Instead I'll take the tangelo. Half orange. Half tangerine. All delicious.

hi there mary said...

crunchberries.
or the superfruit combination of crunchberries and peanuts,
peanut butter cap'n crunch.

sorry, a lame answer for a lame draft.

quiet strength said...

Bullshit! I pondered life! And in a Kierkegaard sort of way! Cherries are mine bitch!

Damn...this is a contentious draft.

Pemulis said...

is purple a fruit?

John S. said...

quiet strength...and I quote:

Hmm...I actually feel excited about being able to select cherries...

/ponders life


So, to be clear, you FELT EXCITED about being able to take cherries and you PONDERED life.

You never actually DID anything about your feelings, you simply thought and mistakenly concluded that such inaction was tantamount to actual action.

Moof! said...

Wow, every one that reads this blog is an imbecile. Raspberry's are mine. Game, check, and match.

quiet strength said...

If that is true, then you took "dates" with your first pick and tried to steal my cherries before waiting 10 selections; thus if my selection was invalid, yours was as well, leaving cherries still available, in which case I will unequivocally select cherries! ChFlaWa

Only the Vikings could screw up a draft pick quite like me...

John S. said...

I saw no "ten pick rule" attributed to this draft.

futuremrsrickankiel said...

Gay.

I'll take cucumbers, because a) they are in fact a fruit, and b) they're nice and phallic, which is in keeping with the sheer gayness of this draft.

smurphette said...

I take nectarines. Nectarines are like peaches except way, way better.

I'm in a Frat said...

Clementines.

Spud Randall said...

@moof - as long as we're calling people names, I think what you meant was game, set, match; fartsmeller.

Also, I'm a citizen for boysenberry jam fan.

Pemulis said...

you're all bats. nowhere does it say anything about this being a commenter draft.

also, in a threadjack-y type way: the browns didnt sign anderson in time

http://sports.espn.go.com/nfl/news/story?id=3270160&campaign=rss&source=NFLHeadlines

Rob I said...

THIS IS THE DURST DRAFT EVER

That being said, I choose Blood Oranges.

smurphette said...

Clementines are the tits.

Tracer Bullet said...

Limes. Because I need somthing to twist into my Bombay and tonic and I can enjoy a nice lime ricky when I play mah jongg with the girls.

chronic hobbit said...

Dingleberries. And I hear you can make an awesome pie with 'em too.

quiet strength said...

Still thinking of a rebuttal...

In the meantime, I'll select blueberries.

I'm in a Frat said...

Honey Dew.

I'm in a Frat said...

@tracer

Your drink selection tells me you are a gentleman and a scholar.

John S. said...

Apricots. Upon reading the rules of the draft, while it mentioned sufficient food, it said nothing about any potable water.

Apricots are 87% water.

Thus, with my dates, my cherries (Yes, MY cherries) and my apricots, I am going to call it a victory for me and, thus, call it a day.

Otto Man said...

"It tastes like burning!"

Tracer Bullet said...

@ I'm in a Frat

Thank you, sir. When upright and ambulatory, I prefer to comport myself with dignity and decorum. Should you ever find yourself in Philadelphia Towne, mayhap we shall bend an elbow at a nearby rathskeller in a spirit of fellowship. Or just head to a local dive drink 'til we piss ourselves. Your choice.

Otto Man said...

I'll take blackberries because, as they say, the blacker the berry, the sweeter the juice.

"Yeah, well she blacker than a motherfucker too."

Smello said...

plátano

Do I have the ability to fry them on my island?

Grimey said...

The schnozzberries taste like schnozzberries!

James said...

does flubby get two "get out of racism for free" cards for his pick?

Jim U. said...

Passion Fruit. I'm making like Jerry Angelo with this reach pick.

Leaking Geek said...

Pomegranates

They make me think of boobs...like this thread.

/bring on the hate

Slothrop said...

I'm taking my avocado tree, and I'm going home.

Chris(BessMervinGirlDetective) said...

Dragon Fruit - it sounds so exotic.

Also Mrs. Ankiel care to make a wager on the big game this weekend? I know my bulldogs are going to get the shit kicked out of them, but at least it will get me a reason to go to the game.

Zeitgeist Break said...

you guys are a buncha dumbasses - cranberries ftw

matt said...

Figs! Then I can walk around the island wearing only fig leaves. And make fig newtons. And Figgy pudding...whatever the hell that is.

Wormfather said...

Tomacco, bitches. I get all my vitamin c, d and I get all my niccotine.

Suck it.

I'm in a right foul mood today.

Rally Monkey Spanker said...

No one picked the obvious, coconuts?

Not as hard to get open as the movies would have you think. Since you have other foods available, you don't have to worry about the shits from drinking too much cocnut milk. If you find some cocoa plants, you can make your own Mounds bar. And in a pinch, can be used as a weapon to defend your deserted island from pirates.

Nothing is gayer than whipping some fruit past someone's head in anger and hearing them say, "did you just throw a handful of peanuts at me?"

MDT said...

XKCD love from KSK warms my frigid little heart.

I'll take the papaya. Sheer upside.

Taliek Brown said...

Guanabana! The best fruit you've never had.

"Comparisons of its flavour range from strawberry and pineapple mixed together to sour citrus flavour notes contrasting with an underlying creamy roundness of flavour reminiscent of coconut or banana."

Upstate Underdog said...

fruit of the snatch

futuremrsrickankiel said...

@Chris: Can't say I've ever bothered wagering on the Tigers... care to name your terms?

Should have known you were a Yalie from your boorish demeanor.

Incidentally, Bill Bradley is #7 on ESPN.com's list of the greatest college hoops players of all time today. Go Tigers!

JonRox said...

Raw peanuts are gross. My roommate accidentally bought a bag of em and we came to the consensus that they tasted like what we figured grass roots taste like after a dog pissed on the grass.

Chris(BessMervinGirlDetective) said...

I can't help it that we are better than everyone else.

All though I had several friends at Princeton and I always had fun visiting.

Terms - hmmm, I will get back to you on that. I am sure Pirate Sloth is rooting for the gentle dental.

Also I choose Pumpkin. You can do so many great things with the pumpkin.

denvergodfather said...

When FutureMrs talks about cucumbers it makes my pants mighty tight. Also, has guava been taken? If not I am all about it.

futuremrsrickankiel said...

@denvergodfather: You're not the bassist from Spinal Tap, are you?

devang said...

@futuremrsrickankiel

How many days a week did you pass out at Triumph?

I pick chickoo? What is it you say? Here ya go

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chickoo

DougOLis said...

yuzu because it makes a beautiful marmalade

futuremrsrickankiel said...

@devang: You give me too much credit for being classy. Fuck Triumph and their snooty drink menu. I was an Ivy Inn gal all the way... $2 Rolling Rock drafts and terrible karaoke? Yes please.

Oh um should I pick a fruit? I'll take beach plums, because they're indigenous to Massachusetts, much like myself.

John John The Bastard said...

I am gonna go with the sleeper of the draft, Raspberries. I could eat those little shits all day.

Plus they turn your waste matter red. You know, in case you were ever curious what it looks like when Brady Quinn takes a dump

ASmith said...

What fruits are actually left in the world for white people like me?

I went through the Starburst flavor list, and they've all been drafted.

Comicbook Guy said...

stands quietly

FARKLEBERRY

sits, with a smug look on my face

Punch Rockgroin said...

Halle Berry

DougOLis said...

Kumquat - yes, it's childish, but how the else fuck am I supposed to hold on to my youth and giggle on an island? Plus, they're quite tasty.

I'm in a Frat said...

CRAISINS! Yeaaaa

whowillsexmutombo? said...

Marion Barry. Because if I'm stranded, I'm gonna need to get really high.

Also, I find it funny that the Yale man thinks "although" is two words.

dickey simpkins said...

Frankenbarries are all that's left it seems. Besides, if there is an abundance of fish, rope them all together to create a giant fish boat and ride to safety.

fallex said...

Ruby Red Grapefruits. I actually like them. Plus if any vodka turns up...

Dickens Cider said...

Apple Butter

JAMMQ said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
JAMMQ said...

You guys are idiots.

the george said...

That leaves me with the durian. Nature's diaper.

miamidiesel said...

Wow, I'm several hours late to this debacle, yet I can't help but be excited to have the opportunity to draft lychees. If you've never had them, they are fucking delicious. Eat the fruit, drink the juice, and use that shit in mixed drinks or to infuse vodka. And give some to your lady friends - bitches love lychees.

miamidiesel said...

@john s.: and before you get caught up in semantics, I do indeed draft lychees.

@futuremrs & chris(b...): everyone knows Penn runs shit in the Ivy League.

Robocats said...

I'm unbelievably late. Am I allowed to take plums even though futuremrs took a specific type of plum? What if I go with Black Plums? No one from Massachusetts would want such a thing anyway.

If not, I'll take Mr. Irrelevant: Crab Apples. They make a tasty jam.

In fact, since I'm here like 5 hours after the fact, I take both, bitches. Penn and Princeton wish they were Brown....well at least Penn does...