From the desk of Roger Goodell...

So, Tommy Urbanski is hiding behind his old lady’s skirt, saying I owe him something because of what Pacman Jones’ yahoo friends did. Jesus-jumped-up-Christ-on-a-pogo stick. Look shithead, if you didn’t want to catch a few stray bullets, then your dumb ass shouldn’t have been in Las Vegas during NBA All-Star weekend. Would it be my fault if you decided to walk around Newark in a David Duke tshirt, y'bastard?

As if I didn’t have enough on my plate with Senator Assbag breathing down my neck. If I started shelling out cash to every dumb son-of-a-bitch who was in the wrong place at the wrong time when one of my players decided to violate the terms of their probation, this league would be broke faster than you could say Jack Robinson. Christ, Leonard Little and Ray Lewis alone would have set us back more than the gross national product of Peru.

But never let it be said I am not a merciful man. Solely in the interests of concluding this matter for one and for all, I made a few phone calls and have been able to put together a pretty frickin’ sweet compensation package. Just check out this spread:

• $50 Best Buy gift card


• Box of 19-0 apparel diverted from freighter to Nicaragua


• Obstructed view tickets to the Oakland Raider game of your choice


• 3 days, 2 night stay at the Port Au Prince Holiday Inn (off-season only, please)


• ‘Ironside’ DVD season two box set (Perry Mason in a frickin’ wheelchair; believe me, you’ll eat that shit up)


• Free popcorn shrimp from Popeye’s (additional purchase required)


• Link to those naked Lindsay Lohan pics (hope your junk still works)

Urbanski, you gimp fuck, if you don’t accept this, your ass ain’t getting so much as an apple and a roadmap from me. You hear that? Kiss my ass, you crippled polack.