Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Random Notes From Around the World



Football's laborious off-season is officially upon us, but there are all sorts of fun things going on outside of the NFL. Here's a quick roundup of all the football and non-football news you need to know.

-Fidel Castro is stepping down as Cuba's leader due to his old age and failing health. The Patriots think they've found their newest linebacker.

-Zach Thomas is on the move!

-Zach's former teammate/in-law, Jason Taylor will appear on the next season of Dancing With the Stars. He hopes that ABC's "hit" show will convince the Pats that he is in fact white enough to join their ranks.

-Roman Polanski is being honored at the Turin Film Festival. He will celebrate by fondling a child under the cover of an old shroud.

-Lindsay Lohan showed off her milky white laters leaving millions to wonder why her freckles are so scared of her tits.


-JE Skeets modeled a football helmet.

-The strangest group photo ever taken outside of a blogger get-together was snapped backstage at a WWE event. I'm convinced that Lohan and Mayweather would make the world's greatest child. I'm also convinced that Shane McMamahon has had cosmetic surgery to look more like his father.

-LZ Granderson hung out with Brady Quinn.

-Lil' Stein says that the NFL has a bigger drug problem than MLB. He's probably just associating long hair with drug use, which is unfair. Robert Gallery is high on bundt cake, not drugs.

-Champion's League (best theme song in sports) is back, but I won't bore you with that euro football crap. Instead I give you this picture of Cheryl Cole, who is about to tell Chelsea's Ashley Cole to go fuck himself. As if that's new. I told him to go fuck himself when he first showed up.



-ONLY TWO MORE DAYS UNTIL THE COMBINE!

22 comments:

SonOfSpam said...

Brady Quinn celebrated the Castro news by spending the evening in his eponymous district.

futuremrsrickankiel said...

"Laters" = breasts? Really?

MicroscopicElvis said...

Come on UM....don't bring that cake eater around here. He smells like flour. Did you see how excited he became when he heard your birthday was fast approaching?

Pemulis said...

call em whatever you want, theyre still awesome.

Colts and Hoosiers Fan said...

Mitch Hedberg is still funny, yes he is. Combine in 2 days??? Damn it I don't have the NFL Network here!!! What will I do without watching the entire combine?? On a happier note, Reggie Nelson is slightly impressed with this years draft crop.

Unsilent Majority said...

We'll tell you everything you need to know about the combine, not to worry.

Otto Man said...

We'll tell you everything you need to know about the combine, not to worry.

You told me there was a combine. Isn't that enough?

twoeightnine said...

Mitch Hedberg is still the funniest man alive.

I once saw him open for Lewis Black and Dave Attell, quite possibly the greatest tour ever.

Grimey said...

The strangest group photo ever taken outside of a blogger get-together was snapped backstage at a WWE event.

Dude, not even close.

Colts and Hoosiers Fan said...

Mitch Hedberg is still the funniest man alive.

The irony is incredible in this statement.

@ u.m. If by everything I need to know you mean everyone that makes an ass of them self during the combine right??

@ grimey Yeah I think that pic wins.

twoeightnine said...

They grow 'em quick in Indiana, don't they?

Chris(BessMervinGirlDetective) said...

I found this group photo of Cleveland Fans. Probably taken after the epic choke job at the end of the season.

http://img222.imageshack.us/img222/8564/dsc02407zf9.jpg

Awful Chief said...

the...champ-eons! just put my sick leave in for tomorrow afternoon

quiet strength said...

Well, if it's a crime to love one's country, then I'm guilty. And if it's a crime to steal a trillion dollars from our government and hand it over to communist Cuba, then I'm guilty of that too. And if it's a crime to bribe a jury, then so help me, I'll soon be guilty of that!

The Last Unitard said...

If you're flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

Unless you are a table.

Chamomiles Davis said...

Rice is great if you're hungry and want 2,000 of something.

/R.I.P. Mitch

Francois Leroux Speedskater said...

“I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.”

/RIP indeed

BEHM777 said...

I miss Fidel already. I mean, how will I get all of those racist, Reagan-loving, ultra-conservative Cubans riled up now? "Long Live Raul" just doesn't have the same ring to it.

/¡Maldición!

/¡Conyo!

Jeffrey said...

+1 for the Mitch Hedberg tag. The man was a genius and we're all worse off without him. And for those of you who don't know who he is...

Ya betta ask someboddddddaaaaaayyyyyyy!

...or just youtube him...whatever's clever

"I love an escalator because an escalator can never break, it can only become stairs"-Mitch Hedberg

Jeffrey said...

One time me and a buddy of mine were trippin on acid in the woods. We were in the woods because we thought it would greatly reduce the chances of running into an authority figure... we ran into a bear. So i'm running away from the bear and I look back only to see my buddy standing there pledging to do his part to prevent forest fires. I run back, yank him outta there and he goes "man, Smokey is WAY more intense in real life".

Colts and Hoosiers Fan said...

I was in a convenience store reading a magazine and the clerk said, "this is not a library." So I said, "Ok then I will speak louder."

-Mitch Hedberg, King of One Liners

Forced Entry said...

I saw a wino eating some grapes, and I told him "you have to wait"