Friday, February 22, 2008

Joe Buck And Jim Nantz Discuss
The Merits Of The Three-Person Booth
While Walking Through An Airport

JOE BUCK: Jim, what are you pointing at?

JIM NANTZ: Uh, I forgot.

JOE BUCK: So, that’s it. Another season in the books.

JIM NANTZ: It went by so quickly.

JOE BUCK: Good season, Jim.

JIM NANTZ: Good season, Joe.

JOE BUCK: I think we’ve earned a little R&R, don’t you agree?

JIM NANTZ: We did some gosh-darned good work this season.

JOE BUCK: So much bullcrap that we put up with, what with the travel, all the a-holes to deal with. It’s a great job, make no mistake, but people question my fortitude, call me the P-word and what not. It really…it stinks. It just stinks.

JIM NANTZ: Stinks like fresh bull mess.

JOE BUCK: But I’m done with that for a few months. Sometimes it takes me a few weeks to snap out of my broadcaster voice, you know what I mean? I have some baseball dates coming up, but those are way down the calendar.

JIM NANTZ: You’re lucky. I still have the CBS golf schedule, including the Masters. On such hallow ground, one’s language must be as pristine and as pure as his pigmentation.

JOE BUCK: Better keep that mouth of yours in game shape then.

JIM NANTZ: Indeed. But I will get a short break here. For three days, I’m not going to do…

[Trails off]


Oh. It's finally happened. The Pussy Apocalypse is upon us. An army of whores have come to enslave us all.

JIM NANTZ: Oh, no.

JOE BUCK: Look at that one in the front. That little bitch is begging for it.

JIM NANTZ: Oh, heavens, no.

JOE BUCK: That little piece of Tokyo ‘tang might be on your flight, Jimbo. You might even be sitting next to her on the way back to New York. You could give her a little Seoul Finger. But, you know, like South Korea Seoul. Get it?

JIM NANTZ: [Squirming uncomfortably] I follow you, Joe.

JOE BUCK: Oh, sorry man. I didn’t mean to articulate that. That is a disgusting act. And I apologize that…that I won’t be flicking that bean myself. You know what I hear about Japanese women? That their gashes are flat. Like their economy.

JIM NANTZ: You’re not really helping.

JOE BUCK: What’s the big deal? Just say that you want to fuck her and I’ll shut up. I swear. Just say it, Jimbo. Me love you long time. But say it in a Bryant Gumbel voice.


JOE BUCK: Fine, say it in your own voice.

JIM NANTZ: I’m not going to say it.

JOE BUCK: She might have checked her bags at the terminal, but I’ll be checking her oil in the handicapped stall before boarding. And I will continue to hit that ass until the No Pounding sign has been illuminated. By the time I’m done fucking her, not only will her eyes be round, but she’ll have gained 15 pounds and have issues with her father.

JIM NANTZ: Please stop.

JOE BUCK: Come on, Jimbo, let’s get over there and gang-bang her. You can give her a Pacific Rimjob, and I’ll make her pie-hole part of the Wang Dynasty. Then you can take a break while I pummel that Pai-Gow pussy with my Kim Jong eel while I’ve got her ankles on my shoulders.

JIM NANTZ: [mumbling] It’s a position…

JOE BUCK: Say it, Jimbo. Come on, say it!

JIM NANTZ: It’s a position unlike any other.

JOE BUCK: Yes! Alright, Jimbo!

JIM NANTZ: Ladies and gentlemen, this is Flight 669 with nonstop service to Pleasuretown. We’d like to invite our Pacific club members to begin seating…on my face.

JOE BUCK: Let’s get over there. I’ve got an invitation to the House of Dong with her name on it.
[They stand up]

JIM NANTZ: I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: nothing beats Saigon beaver.

JOE BUCK: True dat, Jimbo. True. Dat.


Gern said...

Best in a long time. Me love you looooonngg time. Me so horny.

Upstate Underdog said...

funny, very funny, but are you sure they are not on flight 469?

the great bambi said...

but once the actual act of coitus began joe would kill all the excitement with his:

"And there is the insertion.....uh huh...some movement...and climax was reached"

Chuckles said...

*polite, pasty white golf clap*

Well done sir. Well done.

brad said...

This reminds me of a radio interview one of the local stations had with George Takei. The two co-hosts were interviewing him and one of them asked him, "Is that realy your normal voice?" George answered, "Yes, it is." As George talked about his latest project, one of the co-hosts audibly mumbled to himself, "What an asshole."

Pemulis said...

I'm looking for something to give my dingle less tingle. Me quick want slow! Wait, that's Indian

Tea for dong!

What is this?

It's the sword of destiny. Very powerful. Comes with back story.

Yeah, I make up my own patter. Just ring it up with the dong tea.

Narts said...

Man, if only Tyree was an attractive asian woman, maybe then we would have had a call for the ages.

I guess it just takes the right inspiration for Joe Buck to be entertaining and enjoyable to read/listen to.

Otto Man said...

I guess what they say is true.

westbrook is my anti-drug said...

Joe Buck came a long way from a guy who got his panties bunched over someone feigning mooning a crowd.

naptown drew said...

Poon-Tang Clan ain't nothin' to fuck with!

Chris(BessMervinGirlDetective) said...

Insert Hines Ward joke here.

Otto Man said...

Insert Hines Ward joke here.

I heard his wife has those instructions tattooed over her lady parts.

Leaking Geek said...

@ Otto Man

+1 Lady Parts

Overheard from the handicapped stall: "Suck the chrome off my trailer hitch!"

quiet strength said...

Marv Alberts suggests they pack duct tape, barbecue sauce, and flesh eating ants in their carry on for situations like this.

Marmatard said...

hines wald wourrd fuck arr japanee fright stewaldess joe buck ken rick my barrs

smurphette said...

@otto man: The post on Mos Def is particularly good.

Better keep that mouth of yours in game shape then.

Sage advice, Punter.

SlideShow Bob said...

Flat, i thought they were just sideways?

Archimedes said...

Fantastic. Simply Fantastic.

Jeremy said...

But what about Keith Jackson?

I can just imagine his "Whoa Nelly!"

The Meast Lives Forever said...

Jeez Punter, that's just awesome!!! Hines Ward aglees.

Dangerous Dave said...

Unbelievably funny...

Next time, how about Musberger and Lavin discuss Erin Andrews' "anatomy" at an IHOP?

Zamboni said...

That is clearly Joe Buck in the picture.

Mike said...

Fine effort, MMP. I'd golf clap, but someone already did.

Fuck it, I'll do it anyhow.

Do Not Want Guy said...

I ROFL-ed @ "King Jong eel." Priceless.