Monday, February 4, 2008

KSK Twilight Zone: This Is What Would Have Happened If The Pats Had Won


BAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! All you fackin’ Paytree-ut hatahs out they-ah now must face the facts. THE FACKIN’ PAYTREE-UTS ARE FACKIN’ 19-0!!! HAHAHAHAHA!! And for that, I have only one thing to say...

YANKEES SUCK! YANKEES SUCK! YANKEES SUCK! YANKEES SUCK! YANKEES SUCK! YANKEES SUCK! YANKEES SUCK! YANKEES SUCK! YANKEES SUCK!

You fuckin’ Yankee faggots always think you’re the best. Well, you know what? THE FACKIN’ PATS WENT UNDEFEATED! Did the Yankees ever do that? HA! I can’t wait to call my buddy Fred, a diehahd Yankee fan. I can’t wait to see the look on his face when he realizes the PATS are the fackin’ greatest TEAM evah! I can’t wait to get a fackin’ UNDEFEATED Sawx jersey. Can you imagine how confident the crowd at Fenway will be now? Take that, Yankees! THIS IS FOR FACKIN’ CLAIMIN’ CLEMENS AS YOUR OWN!

Now that the Patriots are 19-0, it’s clear that the Yankees are just a second tier franchise. Fackin’ Hank Steinbrenner, you really think you have the class of Bawb Kraft? FACK YOU! WHY DON’T YOU GO SPOON FEED STRAINED PEAS TO YOUR OLD MAN, SHITBAWX! Hey Hank, I hear your old man just wanders around his house with his bathrobe open and his cawk out, and that he tawks to his hairbrush. WHAT A FACKIN’ LOSAH!!!!

Face it, Yankee fans: The Paytree-uts are now the fackin’ greatest team in history, and they always will be! And you know what that means, you fackin’ Bawston hatahs? That means that your team will nevah, EVAH, be as good as the Pats. Even if your team wins the Super Bowl next year (which I highly doubt because both Tawmmy Brady and the fackin’ smahtest man in the universe Billy Belichick, who my fackin’ fifth cousin once sat near at a Legal Seafoods back in 2003), your team’s championship won’t mean FACKIN’ JACK SHIT!

Suck on that! That’s right. No mattah what you fackin’ do, your team’s success will nevah be as meaningful or as important as ours. You’re just fillin’ out the fackin’ almanac, 2036 Titans! We all know the fackin’ 2007 Pats would fackin’ slap you and your robot players around like I slap around the dirty Sikh who runs the packy store down the blawk. $5.99 far a fackin’ pack of Pahluhmunts? Fack you, ya fackin’ sitar-playin’ fack! DRIVE MY FACKIN’ FAMILY TO LOGAN!

Do you know what makes this Pats victory so fackin’ special? The fact that WE, the fackin’ Red Sawx Nation, took the fackin’ team on our shouldahs. WE FACKIN’ ALL SHARE IN THIS TRIUMPH TOGETHAH! That’s why I’m goin’ all fackin’ out to make sure everyone knows that I, Tommy fackin’ O’Leary, will always be paht of the fackin’ Pats’ JUGGUHNUT!

I’m gonna get a 19-0 shirt. I’m gonna shave 19-0 into my dog’s ass. I’m gettin’ a 19-0 decal on my fackin’ F150. And I’m gonna tattoo UNDEFEATED right on my cawk! I’m gonna use my trust fund money to make my folks redesign their house so it’s in the shape of 19-0. AND EVERY FACKIN’ YEAR UNTIL I DIE, I‘M GONNA DRINK A GALLON OF BOONE’S WHEN THE LAST UNBEATEN TEAM LOSES! AND I’M GONNA TEACH MY ILLEGITIMATE GRANDKIDS TO DO THE SAME!

Fack you, Dolphins! That tradition is ours now! You think you can have traditions? ONLY FACKIN’ BAWSTON CAN HAVE TRADITIONS! We’re the birthplace of tradition, you facks. Stop cawpyin’ us!

And to all you elitist facks who said the Pats cheated, I have only this to say: THAT FACKIN' FAGOOT A-ROD TRIED SLAPPIN' THE BAWL OUTTA MILLAHHHHH'S GLOVE IN THE ALCS! The fackin' Yanks and their slapdick media buddies try to cheat and disrespect Beantown all the fackin' time! So consider this payback, A-Rod, you fackin' son of a housekeepah!

The Pats, like any great team, did what it took to dawminate. Even if that meant tracking the Giants' every move with a discarded Russian spy satellite, or poisoning their team breakfast with ground-up Chinese tinker toys, or sending pizza and hookers to their hotel suites at 4AM last night. That just means they are true champions! They still won won feeehhhh and squeeeehhhh!

So soak it all in, Yankee fans. The Pats are the greatest team to ever play the game. Try and face down Jawsh fackin’ Beckett while you think about that! FACK YOU JETAH YOU FACKIN' AWKTAROON!!!!

YANKEES SUCK! YANKEES SUCK! YANKEES SUCK!

16 comments:

futuremrsrickankiel said...

That A-Rod glove slap was on Bronson Arroyo, not Kevin Millar...

That aside, Tommy from Quinzee and his victorious alternate universe counterpart were the source of a much-needed laugh this morning, so thanks for that. Fack, I hate football.

Irish Cream said...

That was awesome, and pretty much sums up the entire BoSox "Nation" (I really hope they secede from the Union).

That said, I think I'm gonna get "Undefeated" tattooed on my penis. It just seems...right.

Hue Grand said...

You've had both these written for a while, haven't you? Just couldn't bear to let the world only read one?

Christmas Ape said...

No. Drew only had the Patriots winning version written in advance.

Jinx jinx jinx.

Eddie said...

The 2036 Titans?

Of all hyper-dominant future teams, you pick the 2036 Titans?

The 2022 Eagles will wipe the floor with your 2036 Titans.

Possible Future Tags:
35 Seconds From Immortality and YOU FAILED

The Greatest Fraud In The History of Sport

Why Is Joe Buck Still Allowed In Studios

2036 Titans

Tech N9ne's Tribute to Falco said...

the dirty Sikh who runs the packy store down the blawk

Did somebody watch Gandhi this weekend?

/Boston: America's South Africa

throwbot said...

FACK YOU JETAH YOU FACKIN' AWKTAROON!!!!

holy shit that's brilliant.

zz said...

And this is why I hate sports fans from Boston.

Slash said...

Gotta say, I do enjoy it when a dominant team whose fans gloat as if they themselves are the ones down there throwing and catching and banging supermodels lose ignominiously. It's like it puts the universe back in order or something.

masterofpuppetz said...

you gotta love those damn bandwagon fans. I need to go to church now that god delivered, he told brady to score in the second quarter winning me 50 bucks, and made the pats choke. religion is a beautiful thing.

JJ said...

Perhaps I'll just get "Defeated" tatooed on my penis. That feels even more right.

CMPLC8D said...

Point of clarification Juggernaut is rendered

"JUGGAHNAWT"

in Boston Southie.

/ya facking shitbawxses

Big Blumpkin said...

Your article expresses absolutely everything I feel about Boston sports fans. Everything. It summarizes about a decade of my rants so I will be forever silent on this topic and instead, link this here article. OH YEAH. Dead balls on.

Yanks/Giants fan living in MA, can I say, "Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh"

JaysonAych said...

I'm glad to see this article. On a message board, I'd posted that I was so afraid if the Pats won, for the next 25 years no other team in the NFL and no fans of any other team will be able to enjoy anything ever. Whatever happens over the next quarter-century, will go like this:

Non-Pats fan to a group of people: So, Super Bowl 63 is coming up next week...who do you think will win?
Pats fans in the group: It doesn't matter because THE PATS ARE TEH BEST EVAR!
Non-Pats fan: Okay, but the Pats aren't even in it this year.
Pats fans: Doesn't matter. The 2007 Pats could kick the ass of whoever wins by 70 points! Tom Brady is the best QB ever!
Non-Pats fan: All right, well, Brady retired years ago, and 17 of his kids are thinking of declaring early for the NFL Draft. I'm talking about now...how cool is it that the Browns are on the cusp of winning their 6th consecutive Super Bowl? And this year against the best Packers team in years?
Pats fans: The Browns and Packers are just pretenders. They never went undefeated to get to the Super Bowl, did they? Browns suck, Packers suck, Pats rule!
Non-Pats fan: Well, no they didn't go undefeated, but the Browns....6...consecutive...Super Bowls. And combined, the Browns and the Packers only lost three games...
Pats fans: Yeah, three more than the all time best team ever!
Non-Pats fan: You do realize that the Pats went 6-10 this year and haven't sniffed the postseason in 4 years? They got beat by the Los Angeles Bills, even.
Pats fans: The Pats beat the Packers THIS year, and that's even without having Brady-to-Moss...w00t!
Non-Pats fan: The only reason they did was Brett Favre had another one of his interception-wacky games....
Pats fans: One of those was caused by Junior Seau kicking his shit just like back in the day...woooooo!
Non-Pats fan: Look...you have to admit that it's impressive that Favre is still one of the top QBs in the league...he almost broke Brady's TD record this year...
Pats fans: Yeah, ALMOST. And he wouldn't have done that well if the Ghost of Belichick hadn't possessed his coach.
Non-Pats fan: What?
Pats fans: Oh you know that's what happened. No way would any team get close to any Pats records without Belichick's influence. Paaaaaats!
Non-Pats fan: I'm going over here. Away from you.

So yeah...it was good to see I wasn't the only one feeling that way...

Mr Furious said...

Hilarious, Drew. Pretty much sums up exactly the kind of fan I was lamenting at my place earlier today. And Im a Pats fan.

Sid said...

interesting post, Drew. The link has a problem though. It says "happeed".