Ha! The Fackin’ Pats DID Win The Supah Bowl, Yah Fackin’ Pricks!

Well, well, well! Looks like the joke is on you fackin’ Giant fans today! Because I, Tawmus O’Neill O’Flanagan O’McGillicuddy O’McTavish O’Fitzgeraldkirkpatrick McMoynihan O’Leary have here, in my hand, a hand-written lettah from RAWJAH FACKIN’ GOODELL that reads, and I fackin’ quote:

“De-ah Tawmmy,

It has recently come to my attention that they-ah were-ah SEVEE-AH CLAWK MANAGEMENT ERRAHS during the cowrse of Supah Bowl Fawty Too. Aftah reading the many haaaahtfelt pleas from loyal, dedicated, and very special Patriot fans the world ovah awn a recent and very legitimate petition, I have ruled that thah final touchdown sco-wahd by those fackin’ faggots the New Yark fackin’ Giants shouldn’t count. They-ah fo-ah, I would like to personally congratulate you and thah great Patriot fans on a perfect 19-0 season. Well done. Once again, fackin’ Bawston fans prove that they alone have the ability to determine thah outcome of any sporting contest. FACKIN’ BIG UPS TO THE GAWDDAMN PATS JUGGUHNUT!”

Hah?

Hah?

How the fack you like that, you fackin’ Giant facks? APRIL FACKIN’ FOOLS, YA FACKIN’ SHITEATAHS! The Lawmbahaaaahdi Trophy is finally fackin' goin’ back where it fackin’ belawngs: an otherwise unusable tract of land in Fawxburrow! Nice!

This is thah perfect gift for Pats fans after all we’ve been through! You Giant faggots will nevah know what it was like for us this wintah! Fahhhhh worse than any of that 9/11 shit. What do you need a WORLD Trade Center fah? Stawp trading ou-ah gold away to some fackin’ Dubai camelfackahs and show a little FACKIN’ SAWLIDARITY, YOU FACKS!

I know thah perfect way to celebrate this well-earned victory. I’M GONNA GO WAWTCH THE FACKIN’ SAWX! ON THE MONSTAH! That’s what any good fackin’ Patriot fan does! Then I’m gawnna go home and watch “Gawne Baby Gawne” for the 17th time. Remember that paaaaht whe-ah Amy fackin’ Ryan tells her-ah sistah to sack a fackin’ nigga’s cawk? THAT’S MY FAVORITE FACKIN’ PAAAAAHT! I use that line awl the time now! ‘Bout time Benny Affleck came through and showed the world that fackin’ BASTON IS THE HAAAAAHDEST TOWN IN THE U.S. OF FACKIN’ A!

And I’m gonna fackin’ frame this fackin’ lettah! Nice goin’, Rawj. Now get rid of awl the daaaahkies and awl will be right with the world!

Wait a second. What’s on the othah side of this lettah? “Schlawtzsky’s Deli”? OH MY FACKIN GAWD! IT’S A FACKIN’ WRAPPAH!

My fackin’ New Yark friend DeanO fackin’ did this! THAT FACKIN' PRICK! DeanO, I will fackin’ find you and fack you with a haaaaaahpoon, you fackah!

UPDATE: Why, you'll never guess who bragged online today that Wes Welker could beat up Tiger Woods. I'm as shocked as you!

Happy Fackin’ Saint Patrick’s Day, You Fackin’ Quee-ahs!

Finally, a fackin’ day that recognizes me and my fackin’ Irish kin! I’ve had enough of these parades fah Arabs, and faggots, and chicks with lumps in their tits! THIS IS FINALLY OWUH TIME TO SHINE! Pogue Mahone, you fackin’ pussylickahs! Someone turn up that fackin’ House of Pain recuhd! I’m so fackin’ excited. I’m so fackin’ PROUD of who we ahhhhh!!!

(shows off shamrock tattoo on bicep)

I’m gonna go uht and get so fackin’ drunk, I won’t care whose vagina my finger ends up in! GET THE FACKIN’ SAWDUST READY FOR OW-UH APAHTMUNT FLOO-UH, SULLY!

I won’t lie to you faggots. It’s been a hahhhhd wintah up heah. I’m not sure we’re ovah the Pats’ loss here. But I know everyone out they-ah is pullin’ for us to get back on track and come back strawng as a fackin’ awx! I just know it in my hahhht! Tawmmy Brady and my boys let me down this go round. But I know they won’t do it again, or else I’ll fackin’ beat my Pakistani naybahhh with a gawddamn bicycle chain!

(plays Papa Roach record)

CUT MY LIFE INTO PIECES! THIS IS MY LAST RE-SAWWWWWT!!!

Besides, I just know the Pats will win it all, and you know why?

BECAUSE JAWSH FACKIN’ BECKETT PITCHED WITH 70% AHHHM STRENGTH LAST WEEK YOU FACKIN’ FAGGOTS!

That’s right. It’s time for anuthah summah of Sawx dawminance. I know all of you can’t wait to see us lay some pipe to those Yankee faggots again. THIS ONE’S FOR THE UNDERDAWGS, HANK STEINBRENNAH! You’re just like your old man, assfuck. ONLY YOU DON’T HAVE TO TAKE OUT YAH DENTCHAHS TO SWAWLLOW A CAWK!

(pulls knit cap down just over eyes)

This is gonna be the greatest St. Patrick’s Day of all fackin’ time! My boy Paddy’s already set us up with wristbands for the day. ALL THE MILLER LITE YOU CAN DRINK FOR JUST $200! BEAT THAT, SHITBAWXES! I may even treat myself to a Guiness, and if the dahhhkie behind the countah doesn’t make a shamrawk in the foam, I’ll call the INS and have him deporrrrrted back to fackin’ DAHKIELAND!!!!!

I can’t wait to bust out my green Welkahhh jersey! I bought it for this very occasion. Then I’m gonna put on my Irish kilt and head out onto the street!


Now THIS is a street festival! No fackin’ $2 bowls of pad thai he-ah! Last time I ate that, my asshole turned black! STAWP POISONING OW-UH PEOPLE, YOU SLANTY STIR FRYERS! Yeah, it’s time for Patriot fans of Red Sawx Nation all over to celebrate they-ah gawddamn heritage! WE EARNED THIS RIGHT FOR ALL WE’VE BEEN THROUGH!




Ugh. Gawd. This might be the earliest I evah puked! THIS IS HOW CHAMPIONS PAHHHHTY, YAH FACKIN’ ANKLEGRABBAHS!

KSK Twilight Zone: This Is What Would Have Happened If The Pats Had Won

BAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! All you fackin’ Paytree-ut hatahs out they-ah now must face the facts. THE FACKIN’ PAYTREE-UTS ARE FACKIN’ 19-0!!! HAHAHAHAHA!! And for that, I have only one thing to say...

YANKEES SUCK! YANKEES SUCK! YANKEES SUCK! YANKEES SUCK! YANKEES SUCK! YANKEES SUCK! YANKEES SUCK! YANKEES SUCK! YANKEES SUCK!

You fuckin’ Yankee faggots always think you’re the best. Well, you know what? THE FACKIN’ PATS WENT UNDEFEATED! Did the Yankees ever do that? HA! I can’t wait to call my buddy Fred, a diehahd Yankee fan. I can’t wait to see the look on his face when he realizes the PATS are the fackin’ greatest TEAM evah! I can’t wait to get a fackin’ UNDEFEATED Sawx jersey. Can you imagine how confident the crowd at Fenway will be now? Take that, Yankees! THIS IS FOR FACKIN’ CLAIMIN’ CLEMENS AS YOUR OWN!

Now that the Patriots are 19-0, it’s clear that the Yankees are just a second tier franchise. Fackin’ Hank Steinbrenner, you really think you have the class of Bawb Kraft? FACK YOU! WHY DON’T YOU GO SPOON FEED STRAINED PEAS TO YOUR OLD MAN, SHITBAWX! Hey Hank, I hear your old man just wanders around his house with his bathrobe open and his cawk out, and that he tawks to his hairbrush. WHAT A FACKIN’ LOSAH!!!!

Face it, Yankee fans: The Paytree-uts are now the fackin’ greatest team in history, and they always will be! And you know what that means, you fackin’ Bawston hatahs? That means that your team will nevah, EVAH, be as good as the Pats. Even if your team wins the Super Bowl next year (which I highly doubt because both Tawmmy Brady and the fackin’ smahtest man in the universe Billy Belichick, who my fackin’ fifth cousin once sat near at a Legal Seafoods back in 2003), your team’s championship won’t mean FACKIN’ JACK SHIT!

Suck on that! That’s right. No mattah what you fackin’ do, your team’s success will nevah be as meaningful or as important as ours. You’re just fillin’ out the fackin’ almanac, 2036 Titans! We all know the fackin’ 2007 Pats would fackin’ slap you and your robot players around like I slap around the dirty Sikh who runs the packy store down the blawk. $5.99 far a fackin’ pack of Pahluhmunts? Fack you, ya fackin’ sitar-playin’ fack! DRIVE MY FACKIN’ FAMILY TO LOGAN!

Do you know what makes this Pats victory so fackin’ special? The fact that WE, the fackin’ Red Sawx Nation, took the fackin’ team on our shouldahs. WE FACKIN’ ALL SHARE IN THIS TRIUMPH TOGETHAH! That’s why I’m goin’ all fackin’ out to make sure everyone knows that I, Tommy fackin’ O’Leary, will always be paht of the fackin’ Pats’ JUGGUHNUT!

I’m gonna get a 19-0 shirt. I’m gonna shave 19-0 into my dog’s ass. I’m gettin’ a 19-0 decal on my fackin’ F150. And I’m gonna tattoo UNDEFEATED right on my cawk! I’m gonna use my trust fund money to make my folks redesign their house so it’s in the shape of 19-0. AND EVERY FACKIN’ YEAR UNTIL I DIE, I‘M GONNA DRINK A GALLON OF BOONE’S WHEN THE LAST UNBEATEN TEAM LOSES! AND I’M GONNA TEACH MY ILLEGITIMATE GRANDKIDS TO DO THE SAME!

Fack you, Dolphins! That tradition is ours now! You think you can have traditions? ONLY FACKIN’ BAWSTON CAN HAVE TRADITIONS! We’re the birthplace of tradition, you facks. Stop cawpyin’ us!

And to all you elitist facks who said the Pats cheated, I have only this to say: THAT FACKIN' FAGOOT A-ROD TRIED SLAPPIN' THE BAWL OUTTA MILLAHHHHH'S GLOVE IN THE ALCS! The fackin' Yanks and their slapdick media buddies try to cheat and disrespect Beantown all the fackin' time! So consider this payback, A-Rod, you fackin' son of a housekeepah!

The Pats, like any great team, did what it took to dawminate. Even if that meant tracking the Giants' every move with a discarded Russian spy satellite, or poisoning their team breakfast with ground-up Chinese tinker toys, or sending pizza and hookers to their hotel suites at 4AM last night. That just means they are true champions! They still won won feeehhhh and squeeeehhhh!

So soak it all in, Yankee fans. The Pats are the greatest team to ever play the game. Try and face down Jawsh fackin’ Beckett while you think about that! FACK YOU JETAH YOU FACKIN' AWKTAROON!!!!

YANKEES SUCK! YANKEES SUCK! YANKEES SUCK!

Daaaahkie Day is Really Paytreeuts Day

All ya haters say we gowt a problem with tha daaaahkies in Bahstan but we elected a black gov'nah in Massachusetts and it's nice to see the daaaahkies finally gave us something in return: A day off to celebrate tha Paytreeuts domination a' tha Chaaaaaarjahs and a return to tha Sooper Bowl! 18-0, ya shitbawxes!

Naturally, there's Welkah finding the endzone, like always. And Tommy Brady overcoming a few minor setbacks, nah thanks to that lazy daaaarkie Moss. What's with being a non-factah in the playoffs, ya shiftless daaaahkie!

The Fackin' Paytree-uts Ahh 17-0 Now, You Fackin' Flarrriduh White Trash!

Did you fackin' facks from Flarrriduh really think you could keep up with Tawmmy Braydee and my beloved Pats? I'm insulted you fackin' pricks could even think that! Fackin' white trash. Why don't come to Quinzee for a little fackin' refinement, ya fackin' tire-burnuhs!

You shouldn't come here thinking you can win! You should come in fackin' Fawxburrow and lay down naked on the fifty with a funnel sticking out of your ass, prepared to get facked! You should fackin' thank Gawd you were able to come into such hallowed ground and get fire-hosed by such a fackin' hallowed team! You should place your balls on the curb outside my fackin' Quinzee rowhouse so that Fitzy and I can give them a good fackin' stompin' with ou-uh LL Bean duck boots!

Like you stood a chance! We have Welkahhhhh! I always wanted Troy Brown to not be black, and now he isn't!

So fack you, Jagwuhs. Or Jagwiuhs. Or whatever kinda fackin' jungle animal you ahhhh! You're just like that daaakie that tried to marry my sistah! Reachin' for thuh staaahs when you belong in the fackin' mud!

The Fackin’ Patree-uts Are Fackin’ 16-0, You Fackin’ S—tbawxes!

You fackin’ Paytree-ut haters out there thought we couldn’t go 16-0. But we Pats fans nevuh had any doubt. And there is no doubt as to who will be victorious in Arizonuh five weeks from now. I haven’t felt this confident of anything since I passed around my petition to have that Persian family kicked out of my neighborhood. NO FACKIN’ MAGIC CARPET RIDIN’, LAMP-RUBBIN’ CAMEL JOCKEY FAMILY BELONGS IN FACKIN’ QUINZEE, MASS! AM I RIGHT, PEOPLE?!

You know what really fackin’ pisses me off? The gawddamn Paytree-uts go 16-0, and those fackin’ shitbawxes in the media still don’t give them any fackin’ respect! It’s a fackin’ joke. Like these Wild Caaaaad teams. Why are they paying attention to these Wild Caaaaaaaad teams? None of them stand a chance AGAINST THE FACKIN’ PATS JUGGUHNUT! Fack that. The Paytree-uts would facking kick the shit out of them like I kick the shit out of my dog, Beasley. He’s a good dog. But when he barks, I gawtta give him a taste of my Lugz, you know what I’m sayin’?

And you, Miami Dolphins! You too can hang on my ballsack. Fackin’ Dawn Shoola. You old piece of shit. Why don’t you go play some fackin’ backgammon and drink some fackin’ Sunsweet prune juice, you fackin’ pantshittuh! You too, Mercury Morris. Why don’t you go snort some cocaine and drive your car into a telephone pole, you stupid daaaaaa-kie! Ha! Black people are so dumb.

(drinks lighter fluid)

Oh my God! Is that G-Love and Special Sauce? Fitz, turn that shit up! This shit fackin’ rawks!

My baby’s got sawce!

This whole hatred of the Pats comes from simple jealousy. You fackin’ Pats hatuhs out there are just jealous of our incredible success. You’re jealous of Tommy Brady’s good looks, and Bill Belichick’s superior intellectualness. But you are also jealous of Boston as a whole. You are jealous of our fine schools, like Hahvuhd, and M-eye-tee, and South Quinzee Gun Repair And Event Planning Correspondence Institute, which I attend. You’re jealous of the Red Sox. And the Celts. And the fact that we legalized gay marriages specifically so that we could jump faggots coming out of da church and give them the fishhook.

And you’re jealous of the guns. Admit it. They look fackin’ great. My girl Tina likes it when I do the military press with my shirt off, and I can’t blame her. Right, honey?


Nice, huh? I just got her to go from smoking 5 packs of Pahluhmint a day to 4 and a half. It only took five weeks of slappin’ her around and calling her a fat, smelly piece of dogshit to get it done. You fackin’ fatass Pittsburgh fans have that kind of discipline? I think not.

So keep on hatin’ us, you piece of shit fans of other piece of shit NFL teams. Me and all my buddies from Quinzee feed off of that shit. It only makes us stronger. And, as you can see, I am quite strong already. My boss says I have a real few-chuh in moving armoires. Suck on that. 19-0 is inevitable, you pansies. There’s nothing you can do about it. Just sit back and enjoy ow-uh dawminunce. TAKE YOUR BEATING LIKE A MAN, LIKE BEASLEY DOES!

And, in case you still feel like whining, I’ll be here all postseason long, aftuh every fackin’ Pats blow-oot, to remind you of how fackin’ superiuh the fackin’ Pats are. Because we fackin’ DESERVE this success. Okay? I personally had to struggle through all those early years of the Pats, when they never went to the Super Bowl. Except in ’85. And ’96. I had to live through the indignity of purposely avoiding Pats games because they were loosuhs, and I did not care about them. That hurt. So if you think I’m not gonna revel in Pats’ awesomeness. YOU AAAA OUTTA YOUR FACKIN’ TREE, SHITBAWX!