Saturday, January 12, 2008

The Fackin' Paytree-uts Ahh 17-0 Now, You Fackin' Flarrriduh White Trash!


Did you fackin' facks from Flarrriduh really think you could keep up with Tawmmy Braydee and my beloved Pats? I'm insulted you fackin' pricks could even think that! Fackin' white trash. Why don't come to Quinzee for a little fackin' refinement, ya fackin' tire-burnuhs!

You shouldn't come here thinking you can win! You should come in fackin' Fawxburrow and lay down naked on the fifty with a funnel sticking out of your ass, prepared to get facked! You should fackin' thank Gawd you were able to come into such hallowed ground and get fire-hosed by such a fackin' hallowed team! You should place your balls on the curb outside my fackin' Quinzee rowhouse so that Fitzy and I can give them a good fackin' stompin' with ou-uh LL Bean duck boots!

Like you stood a chance! We have Welkahhhhh! I always wanted Troy Brown to not be black, and now he isn't!

So fack you, Jagwuhs. Or Jagwiuhs. Or whatever kinda fackin' jungle animal you ahhhh! You're just like that daaakie that tried to marry my sistah! Reachin' for thuh staaahs when you belong in the fackin' mud!

58 comments:

steve said...

You're a whiny ass little cunt aren't you. I hope you don't cut yourself over this. Your mom and dad and I are worried.

Scott said...

quincy doesn't have rowhouses.

also, Rodney Harrison is gonna have his pick of the fine ladies of Newton tonight. cause, shockingly, we're not racist fucks. especially not compared to fucking Jacksonville. jesus. enjoy the slobbering media coverage this win engenders! between this and Favre, your head will explode for the next week when you turn on the TV. couldn't happen to a better person.

miamidiesel said...

@steve: you're Generic Masshole Cockwhore Commenter #14 (I'm pretty sure scott was one of the first 13 - by the way, I'm sure the two of you are thrilled that your state has decided to let fags like you marry). Welcome to the party, but you're late. Probably because you just now decided to acknowledge New England's football team and jump on the bandwagon (you're 7 years late for that party). I hope you get David Garrard's leftover Crohn's Disease and die.

Also, the last two QBs to play the Pats were Eli Manning and David Garrard. One is solid but unspectacular, the other has been described as "skittish" by his own GM. Yet "skittish" Eli ripped up the Pats' D for 4 TDs and Silky Garrard had a pretty good game in his own right with almost 280 yards passing. Both made one costly error; Eli's unfortunately gave the Pats the game, and Garrard's pulled the plug on the Jags' comeback. To put it shortly; the Pats' D fucking sucks. Unless the Giants or Chargers pull off a miracle win tomorrow, the Pats are looking at facing two out of three of Peyton Manning, Tony Romo, and Brett Favre. Sleep on that shitheads.

Laughing Week said...

For the record, I am a Patriots fan. And I STILL think the line "I always wanted Troy Brown to be not black, and now he isn't" is fucking hilarious

twoeightnine said...

I always want Troy Brown to not be black, and now he isn't!

Marry me.

Brian said...

@Steve:

I really wish YOU cut your wrists and kill yourself. If you can't then just cut deep enough to tear the tendons, that way you won't be able to type stupid shit like that

John said...

what fine ladies of newton? the dumb whores who reveal their tits for girls gone wild, or the ones who walk the streets for money?

and steve, learn to add hyphens to your insults, lest the phrase "whiny ass little cunt" not make sense. it should read "whiny-ass little cunt" or "whiny ass-little cunt," depending on whether or not you are referring to BDD's "little cunt" or if you are referring to BDD's ass, which apparently you think is some smaller sort of vagina.

hope that clears things up for you, since i know that your school taught you how to hate gays and black people, but glossed over sexual reproduction.

JohnEDowney said...

I thought it was hard being a Pats fan in the late 90's, when they were struggling to make .500. This is worse. Fuckers who couldn't spell Bledsoe's last name (let alone his first) are jumping on the Pats bandwagon like it's giving out free cotton candy and blowjobs. I get thumbs-ups from 40-year-old cockbags when they see me wearing a Pats sweater that I only put on because it was the only clean sweater I had and I was dressing in the dark. The dudes who play on my college's baseball team (liberal arts college, by the way--totally the ticket to the majors) beat themselves up when the Pats lose AND when they win, when ten years ago, a Pats loss would be merited with a "So the fack what?"

When the Pats win, I say, "Yay." That's followed by everybody around me collectively cumming in their pants, calling everyone else "faggats", drinking themselves into another dimension, and then running away from the cops when they inevitably show up. My subliminal Southern accent sounds funny to them. Dickbags.

Robut M. Nixon said...

Great stuff here. I'm glad to see Rodney "Me And Seau Jump Around Like We Just Won The Super Bowl Every Fucking Time We Make a Tackle 4 Yards Downfield" Harrison has his own tag now.

Oh, and Steve: speaking of Rodney Harrison and the fine ladies of Newton...your mom called, your sister is pregnant again.

allie said...

er... didn't the pats already beat two of those QBs this season, miami? and interestingly, peyton had the exact same problem you attributed to eli and garrard- he made one huge mistake that cost them the game. that's really all it takes.

along those lines, as far as favre is concerned, all we'd need is a few plays where 05-06 brett rears his ugly head. the commentators may have forgotten that the last few years happened, but I'm sure he's still in there somewhere.

Justin said...

When will people like steve learn that anything less than verbal fellatio is not permitted in the comments section?

twoeightnine said...

A humble Patriots fan? Get tha fack outa here. Is that another one of your characters Drew?

Christmas Ape said...

Peyton was also forced to throw to Aaron Moorhead in that first game, allie.

I'm really liking Indy's chances next week.

John Foley said...

what fine ladies of newton? the dumb whores who reveal their tits for girls gone wild, or the ones who walk the streets for money?

Now, now, let's be fair. Newton is a very nice little town. I once dated a lovely girl from Newton. She was smart too- went to Harvard and everything.
Of course, now she's a lesbian, but it still counts.

allie said...

of course, the colts also had dwight freeney for that game...

I'm not saying indy doesn't have a good chance, of course they do. my point was, it's silly to expect the very idea of peyton manning or tony romo to leave patriots fans shaking in fear.

also, I think what you guys witnessed above was not a humble patriots fans, but rather one who figured bitching about all the other "douchebag massholes" would prevent you guys from calling him a douchebag masshole. be nice to him, he's just trying to fit in.

smurphette said...

We didn't have Dwight for nearly half the season, and still allowed the fewest points in the league, while playing in the toughest division. He doesn't concern me nearly as much as Marvin.

And please, no more optimism about the Colts' chances. Ufford already jinxed them horribly in the Prelude.

Joe said...

I don't know whats worse, the fair-weather Patriot's fans, or Jim Nantz eye fucking Tom Brady all night.

Jim said...

Who would want to fit in with the cumstains that constitute 99% of the commenters on this blog? Somebody told them it was cool to hate [insert hot team du jour, especially if it comes from a major media market] and that's their mission in life now. I figure the only way I could fit in here would be to get a lobotomy and have my rectum bleached.

Scott said...

i am consistently amused that y'all will rag on new englanders for perceived racism in the middle of calling them faggots.

also glad to see the misogyny leaking in too. you're all such wonderful winners.

it's either brilliant, or brilliantly stupid. that you can't remember my name makes it more likely the latter.

now, if you'll excuse me, i told Kelley Washington that he could do a cleveland steamer on me if he made a good special teams tackle. building bonds one disgusting sex act at a time.

(also, does anyone actually think there's a defense out there that can beat the pats? seriously? they missed 1 FG and punted at the end of the game when it was already over. every other drive scored, and all but one was a TD. start paying attention. the pats defense isn't great, but it's good enough to get a pick or a stop, and that's all this offense needs. that's why it's the best offense by far of the modern NFL.)

Pemulis said...

how come no one gets jokes?

smurphette said...

@jim: Aw, thanks! But that only begs the question - why do you read/comment here? Surely there are other web outlets more suited to your taste.

@scott: As allie so astutely pointed out, the Colts' defense didn't lose the game against the Pats, the offense did. Also, "by far" is a bit of a stretch. Bill Walsh, Joe Montana, Jerry Rice? Those names ring a bell?

Scott said...

except that the Colts defense gave up 2 touchdowns in the 4th quarter and couldn't stop the Patriots at all. meanwhile the Pats defense made the stops when needed, even though they had given up a huge play just prior to halftime in the Addai TD run.

when i said "by far" i was thinking of the DVOA statistics crunched by the guys at footballoutsiders.com, which does show the Pats as being far better than any team going back to the mid-90's. i should have been more specific. even against the Niners of the 80's in their best year, i don't think they could match the sheer efficiency of the patriots, they simply seldom ever have to punt. that's a huge advantage for them, even with a pass first offense they dominate the time of possession in games. and suffice to say, there simply aren't many defenses in the game that can slow them down, their lowest score of the season was 20 points against an overmatched Jets team, and they were held under 30 only three times this season. the Colts could certainly defeat them, they match up well and they played the Patriots incredibly tight, but even they will (rightly) be underdogs against what is simply an excellent offense and an above average defense.

now time to go to Chad Scotts mandingo party.

Junker23 said...

JohnEDowney just made the perfect post any pre-2001 Pats fan could have made. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love the fact that the Pats are winning now, but I cannot possibly despise the stereotypical Boston bandwagon fan any more than I do right now. It really does ruin it for the fans that have been around forever.

Tom Holzerman said...

First, Rodney gets the Unsportsmanlike Conduct penalty renamed after him, and now he gets his own KSK tag. He's really come a long way, baby.

Dusty said...

Yeah yeah..Pats won but they didn't cover the spread..so in reality the Jags did ok by me.

allie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
allie said...

well, it's a good thing we don't have to punt much, because it turns out our punter is awful. I guess he's gotten kind of rusty over the course of the season...

Mike Garofalo said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Russell K said...

Wow, the angry pats fans are really starved for attention. Guess no one else wants to talk to them about their piece of shit cheating team.

Also, I'm sure Harrison must have done something illegal on that interception of Garrard.

Mamula Blues said...

@scott

I'm glad they taught you all about DVOA statistics at Deerfield Academy. It must have taken quite a bit of research for you to grade the offenses of the mid-90's.

I'm guessing your memory of the Pats' roster during that time resembles what people seemed to recall here:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/1995_New_England_Patriots_season

bloodyhandedgod said...

I have grown used to our jackasses over the past year. Has there suddenly been an influx of new ones with a serious lack of a sense of humour?

As a Cowboys fan I think the work here is often damn funny. Regardless (or irregardless if you will) of what team it is. Fuck my team demands shit be written about them considering their behavior.

And for all you sullen and bitter (you fucking won. shut your piehole) New England fans check out this story from FCL. You'll probably have a seizure.

http://foodcourtlunch.com/?p=472

larry b said...

ROBBLE ROBBLE ROBBLE! I am a Patriots fan, so what you say here on your weblog about my team and its fans (like me!) is insulting! Why don't you go stop writing things like this! The things you say are not true! It's not that I don't have a sense of humor, it's just that these writings are not funny! I hope that you get hurt for writing them!

I am also offended that you don't know the types of residential buildings most frequently seen in some Boston neighborhood/suburb!

miamidiesel said...

@allie: you're alright. Sorry for ever lumping you in with the Generic Masshole Cockwhore Commenters - you actually should be lumped with futuremrs, jelly b. good, junker23, laughing week, and robertedowney, who might be the only tolerable Boston fans left in the world. As for the Manning/Romo/Favre troika, it's like this. With the Colts, as Ape alluded to, they were severely banged up against the Pats. Hopefully in the rematch, Manning should have actual WRs (besides Wayne) to throw to (at least Gonzalez, who got better and better as the year went on, and hopefully Harrison too), Tony Ugoh should be on the o-line (which Smurphette will point out makes a huge difference), and, although Freeney being gone obviously hurts the Colts, they should be healthier all-around on D, including having Freddy Keiaho, who missed the first game, there for a potential rematch. Also, the Pats will be missing Rosevelt Colvin, who harassed Peyton all game and forced the crucial game-ending fumble. The Pats D hasn't been the same since Colvin went down and they had to increasingly rely on geriatrics like Seau and Bruschi. It might take only one mistake to seal your fate against the Pats, but if QBs like Eli and Garrard made only that one mistake and were successful the rest of the game, I'd be at least a little concerned about facing Peyton in the rematch. As for Dallas' chances, that game in Week 6 was a lot closer than the final score indicates, and the outcome might have been different had it not been for a BS holding penalty that negated a Dallas 1st Down when they were driving down 31-24. Despite his weak finish to the regular season, I'd trust Romo to make a lot more plays than Eli or Garrard (especially since he's going to have to mature and step up for the Cowboys to get to the Super Bowl), and the Pats can't stop Marion Barber. As for Favre - and I hate to channel the same shit Peter King does - but you really think he's going to have a bunch of "fuck it, I'm throwing deep into quadruple coverage" INTs if he gets to the Super Bowl? Say whatever you want about the guy, but he didn't get the media fellatio by fucking up in huge games, and I wouldn't count on him to do it in the Super Bowl of all places.

@scott: your arguments pretty much reflect the fact that you probably just discovered the NFL existed this season after overhearing the media hype around the Pats. The NFL of today is geared towards passing offenses, and the Pats have far and away the best WR corps in the league and a great QB. Couple that with the fact that the Pats played six games in one of the two shittiest divisions (along with the NFC West) in all of football, and you get an offense that obliterated the NFL scoring record by 30+ points and emits an aura of invincibility. But it's preposterous to write off other great offenses of all time, like the Montana-Rice Niners, '83 Redskins, '84 Dolphins (when Marino absolutely destroyed previous passing records in a much less passing-friendly era, including the previous passing TD record by 12 TDs, not just 1 TD), or even the Vikings of Moss' rookie year or the Super Bowl Rams team, when they didn't enjoy the same advantages the Pats have. Is there an argument for the Pats being the greatest (or "most efficient", however you want to put it) offense of all time? Sure. But it's not such a landslide that you can so readily dismiss all the other great offenses throughout NFL history. And even your Masshole God, Bill Simmons, pretty much acknowledges that the Pats offense can be had by good blitzing defenses. You know, kind of like the Eagles (who almost pulled off the upset in Foxborough) or the Ravens (who pretty much did beat the Pats and got jobbed by the officials). I suggest you spend less time on the gay party circuit (especially when the best you can do is Kelly Washington or Chad Scott) and more time actually learning about the NFL.

@jim: you are gifted allie's former place in the pantheon of Generic Masshole Cockwhore Commenters. If you want to have any value to humanity, volunteer yourself as a test subject for the effect of nuclear weapons. Or just die and stop wasting useful people's oxygen.

Mybadd for writing a fucking novel.

Ben said...

miamidiesel: tl;dr

Jim said...

@miamidiesel- Are you really as clueless as you seem here? I mean, we know with a handle like 'miamidiesel' that you're a grocery checkout boy and hung like a toddler, but the work you've put in on deliberately not understanding the sport is impressive. I love that in one post full of impotent diarrhea you managed to whine about injuries and the officials. I mean, one at a time is simple weakness that we all fall into now and again, but both means you win today's trophy for douchebaggery!

Also- write your own blog for fuck's sake. Nobody- not even a diseased cockpolisher like Smurphette- is interested in reading a comment that long.

mike said...

It seems that Mr. Jim has a grudge against KSK, on account of their rough and rowdy past.
[boos]
Seems, Mr. Jim is the kind of fella who wants to cast the first stone. Well, I'm with you folks. I'm a forgiving, Christian sort of man. And I say, if their rambunctiousness, and misdemeanoring, is behind them... and that means you as well Ape..

mike said...

after further thought,Joe Damato was born in Newton

Jelly B. Good said...

miami: in reality I'm an intolerable bandwagon-jumping New England douchenozzle... I just try to play nice for futuremrs and allie hoping they'll post a picture showing me their boobies. My perv-side trumps the fan-side of me every time. KSK takes no prisoners!!!

Real Men Eat Haggis said...

diesel - I haven't read anything like that since the unabomber was around...

Jelly B. Good said...

oh yeah, you can show me your boobies too smurphette... didn't want you to feel left out.

Crazy Little Thing said...

Flanders: "YOU! I don't know who you are, But I'm sure YOU'RE A JERK!"

Lenny: "Hey! I just got here a few minutes ago. What's going on?"

James said...

Miami diesel! as in miami dolphins diesel? holyshit you are in trouble

Let's get something straight, the pats can't stop marion barber, but they just stopped the 2nd best rushing team in the NFL? Me thinks you don't watch the patriots even play.

Don't even count the results from the Giants game, because they spent half the game pushing for records. Eli and the Giants played a great game no doubt about it. however, had the pats decided to play more ball control, the giants offense wouldn't have touched the field half as many times.

I just don't get how anyone can talk down this team when they have beaten every single team they have played and in many cases, beaten them away (colts, cowboys, etc)

smurphette said...

@scott: The time in the game when the TDs were given up is irrelevant. Bottom line, on any given Sunday, if the Colts hold their opponent to 24 points, they will outscore them. The defense picked off Brady twice, forced 3 punts, and held them to a FG on another drive. They did their job. Does anyone think that 20 points is going to beat the Pats? Of course not. It was the Colts' offense that dropped the ball, literally and figuratively, in that game. That said, I certainly don't disagree that we'd rightfully be the underdogs in a rematch.

@jelly: um, thanks?

HadesGigas said...

"the Pats are looking at facing two out of three of Peyton Manning, Tony Romo, and Brett Favre. Sleep on that shitheads"

Don't forget that their last Super Bowl involved taking out that colored McNabb, so they won't even be hyped to go against those three.

The "rightful trifectah" would be the Titans in the divisional round, the Jags in the championship, and...............hell.......the Eagles in the Super Bowl. They beat three prominent black QBs!!!!

It would be their dream come alive.

HadesGigas said...

@steve:"You're a whiny ass little cunt aren't you. I hope you don't cut yourself over this. Your mom and dad and I are worried."

"cahnt"* (Don't hide it)

Tech N9ne's Tribute to Falco said...

PaFlaWa!

Eli AND Tony Homo are playing today, could someone stop masturbating long enough to do a Peter King joke?

I'll start you out:
"Hallelujah, It's raining douche!"

Otto Man said...

I like how the Pats fans indignantly show up here every week to complain about this site's stereotype of Pats fans as whiny, arrogant douchenozzles and then exhibit the behavior of, ... well, whiny, arrogant douchenozzles.

allie said...

@miami- thanks. I actually haven't personally encountered many of these stereotypical masshole fans, possibly because I moved out of boston in 2001... however, based on the incontrovertible photographic evidence in this post, and some of the comments on this site, I can't deny their existence.

instead, I'm surrounded by panthers fans, who generally watch football only because NASCAR isn't on. the one exception may be my poor boyfriend, who has the misfortune of actually caring about that team. on several occasions, this has led to the following exchange:

him: "you know, jake delhomme's a pretty good QB."
me: "no, he's not."
him: "well, he looked pretty good on that drive."
me: "he's not good."
him: "but-"
me: "just trust me. he's terrible."
*delhomme gets sacked and fumbles*
him: "I hate you."
*other team scores*
him: "god, we suck."

dickey simpkins said...

So do people from New England just not like jokes, or am I missing something here?

Scott said...

@miamideisel: yes, i clearly never saw an NFL game before this year. that's why i've been a "bandwagon" fan since 2001. in the 80's i was between -2 and 7 years old. i remember the Vikes of 2000 and the Rams of 1999, and neither had offenses as good as the Patriots this year. and while Marino's record demolishing season in 1984 and Montana's Niners were probably as good as the Pats for racking up points, they weren't continually as excellent in creating long, time chewing drives that seem to always result in points.

as for blitzing, yes, it will slow down the patriots- but it's very hard to get pressure on Brady without sending 5, the O-Line is pretty danged good and Brady can sidestep or step up in the pocket as well as any QB to buy time. Sending 5 is risky, too, because the pats run a 3 WR +1 TE as their base set, meaning you only have 6 DBs to cover 4-5 (depending on whether Faulk/Maroney stays in to block) receivers. that can lead to a big play even if you hurry Brady. e.g. the Giants game, where they have an excellent D-line and they blitzed fairly actively. they hit Brady a lot, but Brady still put up good numbers. so, it's not a way to stop the pats, just to slow them down.

you're completely right about Rosie Colvin- he was finally back to full speed after missing a full season when he first joined the pats, and losing him puts a lot of pressure on Bruschi and Seau, neither of who can cover much ground or react as quickly as a mike linebacker should. and getting Ugoh back will be key. i still think the Pats will win, but that's my blind homerism (i thought the same thing last year and watched in dismay as we blew the AFC championship game, although i'm happy for Payton to get his ring because, lets face it, he's the best QB of his generation and he doesn't deserve to go through the "oh, he never won the big one!" crap).

continuing with my "naming obscure patriots to prove that i actually know the team and at the same time make the homophobes queasy" trend, it's lunchtime here in the midwest, so i'm going to go grab appletinis at Cosmos with Bam Childress (practice squad guys have the day off, don'tcha know).

Scott said...

also, in all fairness, most of the patriots stuff is fucking brilliant from ksk. i'm just tired of the continued allegations of racism. Boston is no worse (and no better) than any other big city, i live in Minneapolis now, and christ do people have a hair up their ass about the somali immigrant community south of downtown and the hoods up in North Minneapolis. for the same reason why assholes in Southie have a bee in their bonnet about Medford. so seriously, give it a (fackin') rest.

The Pirate Sloth said...

You people just go drink your Yoohoo and get over it. Or Ovaltine. Whichever.

John Foley said...

Technically speaking, it should be "Taw-mee from Quin-zee."

TW said...

Unless the Giants or Chargers pull off a miracle win tomorrow, the Pats are looking at facing two out of three of Peyton Manning, Tony Romo, and Brett Favre. Sleep on that shitheads.

Hahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!

The Guileless Vituperator said...

THIS JUST IN:

The Giants and the Chargers pulled off miracle wins.

Hahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!

intheq said...

it really is relevant to note that were taw-mee really from the Q, he would be living in a triple-decka in The Neck drinking coors light (the champagne of Quincy). atlas lickahs was having a big sale on ponies at the packie.

Andrew said...

Hey Ape, you still like Indy's chances next week?

Christmas Ape said...

Now more than ever