Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Fearest Not, Milady. 'Tis Norval the Dragonslayer

Maiden: Our land has been cast into shadows and our armies pounded into dust, sir knight. My kingdom lies in ruins, torn asunder by the great red and blue beast. Our homes have been ransacked. Our women have been raped. Our children have been raped. Our rapists have been raped.

I fain not think that you should fail in your quest, Brave Sir Norval. I've heard of your exploits -- how you failed in leading the noble savages of Washington, how you miserably failed in leading the less than noble savages of Oakland, but you are all that remains.

Your pockmarked visage is difficult to regard. Your breath reeks of carrion. Your armor is tattered and I am fairly certain your horse has been dead for some time. The Good Lord has not seen fit to bless you in the ways of looks nor intelligence, but you are indeed brave. That counts for something, though it be not much.

All who have gone before the beast have been vanquished soundly and without mercy. Even you yourself were defeated most handily early in its reign of terror, perhaps only spared your pathetic life for no other reason than sheer boredom by that foul creature and its braying supporters.

If there existed a system in which I could wager our kingdom's fortunes on your chances of success, I would surely lay on money on the side of the beast and take the points. Sadly, there is no such system. It is an unfortunate consequence of our Slaughter of the Jews many years past.

Go now. Take in your hand the dark blade of Volek and strike down this scourge upon our realm. If successful, I could even learn to love you and would lustily expose a section of ankle to you. Think me not bawdy, sir knight. I am ready to make the appropriate sacrifice.

55 comments:

MMP said...

That's just fucking awesome.

Pemulis said...

Bravely bold Sir Norval rode forth from Camelot. He was not afraid to die, oh brave Sir Norval. He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways, brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Norval. He was not in the least bit scared to be mashed into a pulp, or to have his eyes gouged out, and his elbows broken. To have his kneecaps split, and his body burned away, and his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Sir Norval. His head smashed in and heart cut out, and his liver removed, and his bowels unplugged, and his nostrils raped and his bottom burned off and his penis...

Captain Caveman said...

Brave Sir Norval ran away,
Bravely ran away, away!
When danger reared it ugly head,
Brave Sir Norval turned and fled...

Guiness319 said...

Good one Ape

Sir Norval seems doomed to failure however. What with Lady Tomlinson leading his charge and all...

The Pirate Sloth said...

Somewhere, Maj is crying.

Narts said...

Our rapists have been raped.

Poor Bilo. The tables have turned.

grungedave said...

Brave Sir Norval is silly and ignorant, but he's got guts. And guts is enough.

Cheap Cynicism said...

The ease with which this blog veers from sophisticated period satire to explicit gay pornography is astonishing.

Big Daddy Drew said...

-I'm Norval. The Chaste.

-My name is Zoot. Just Zoot.

Pemulis said...

You must spank her well, and after you are done with her, you may deal with her as you like... and then... spank me.

Brazil said...

Sir Norval should head to the far away land of Baton Rouge and consult with Paladin Les on how to best disguise his ignorance as testicular fortitude.

Narts said...

Before Sir Norval wields the dark blade of Volek, I'd suggest he ask someboddaaayy.

futuremrsrickankiel said...

Methinks this would make a sweet video game. Madden meets Assassin's Creed meets I of the Dragon.

Nngg-glavin!

Grimey said...

RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY!!!

(By the way, awesome post, Ape.)

Brady's a douchebag said...

And should die in your quest, Sir Norval, no fear. We will replace you with Sir Martin of Schottenheimer or with Cameron the Ridiculous.

the great bambi said...

and fear not if his horse truly is dead, for a swallow has gripped a coconut by the husk and carried it to this fair land

futuremrsrickankiel said...

Oh my god that Photoshop is TERRIFYING.

Ben said...

Worth it for the title alone.

Big Daddy Drew said...

Sir Norval's alignment is Chaotic Neutral.

smeos said...

Methinks the only way that Norv wins is if he brings along the sizeable Marine population of San Diego to cover Randy Moss . . . with a tank.

Fuck, I'd sell my children to see that.

the great bambi said...

smeos, i'd sell your children to see it too

85 said...

That was awesome, Ape.

Just the palette cleanser we needed between more posts on gay quarterback incest and cheerleaders who were molested by their stepfathers.

Tech N9ne's Tribute to Falco said...

@ smeos

I saw "Reign of Fire."

Otto Man said...

Nngg-glavin!

That's some nicely played Frink, FutureMrs.

naptown drew said...

Norval the Dragonslayer? Call me when he takes out Godzilla or the Cloverfield monster or somethin'.

/don't get Bambi started

The Pirate Sloth said...

@futuremrs

Marry me.

the great bambi said...

"get started on what?" he asked ever so innocently

Otto Man said...

Sir Norval's alignment is Chaotic Neutral.

True. He was teamed up with Wade the Dwarf for a while there, but last week he was slain by an elf.

Francois Leroux Speedskater said...

WHAT is your name?
-Sir Norval, the Brave

WHAT is your quest?
-To defeat the evil Bradychek

WHAT is the best way to slow down their furious aerial attacks?
-Well I don't know thaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!

smurphette said...

@francois: +1

quiet strength said...

Ladanius de la Tomlinson sighs and says, "I sometimes think that all you tell me of knighthood, kingdoms, empires and islands is all windy blather and lies."

Francois Leroux Speedskater said...

@smurphette: Gracias...my first +1 here.

I couldn't believe that line didn't get used before I got to it.

Also...this was phenomenal, Ape

the great bambi said...

@ quiet

so does that mean norval will be spotted at fenway charging the Green Monster thinking it is in fact a real monster?

the great bambi said...

and since marmalard has apparently injured both knees does that mean he'll try to bite our legs off? he talks about as much shit as the black knight despite being a cripple

Chris(BessMervinGirlDetective) said...

I fart in your general direction!

- Bill Belichick

smurphette said...

@francois: gotta love the Monty Python.

Also, this bodes well for a whole new series of posts next season:

http://sports.espn.go.com/nfl/news/story?id=3197523

Francois Leroux Speedskater said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Nashville Steeler Fan said...

Listen. Strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.
also, if Alabama Marmalard and the temple of douche somehow manage to slay the beast..I promise to go easy on him for 1 whole week

Francois Leroux Speedskater said...

@smurphette: How's Garrett going to coach? He's dead.

the great bambi said...

Belichick the Brash: Allo! who is eet?
Norval: It is Sir Norval and these are my Knights of the Whale's Vagina, whose stadium is this?
Belichick the Brash: This is the stadium of my master, Robert de Kraft
Norval: Go and tell your master that we have been charged by God with a sacred quest, if he will give us victory on Sunday, he can join us in our quest for the Lombardi Trophy.
Belichick the Brash: Well I'll ask him but i don't think he'll be very keen, he's already got three you see
Norval: What?
Belichick the Brash: He's already got three.
Norval: Are you sure?
Belichick: Oh yes they're very niiiice.
Norval: Well...can we come in and have a look?
Belichick: Of course not, you are douchey types.
Norval: Well what are you?
Belichick: I'm a dick, why do you think I give such shitty handshakes.
Ladanius: What are you doing in a hoodie?
Belichick: MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS!
Norval: If you will not show us the Trophy, then we shall take your Stadium by force!
Belichick, you don't frighten us Californian pig-dogs! Go and boil your bottoms sons of a silly person. I blow my nose at you, so called Dragonslayer Norval, you and all your silly Californian Chargers.
Ladanius: What a strange person
Norval: Now look here my good man
Belichick: I don't wanna talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wiper! I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!
Ladanius: Is there someone else up there we can talk to?
Belichick: No now go away or I shall score 50 on you

Biggus Rickus said...

Knight Who Says, "Ekky-ekky-ekky-ekky-z'Bang, zoom-Boing, z'nourrrwringmm": You must maim the prettiest QB in the league...wiiiiiith...a herring!

Sir Norval: I'll not!

Knight Who Says, "Ekky-ekky-ekky-ekky-z'Bang, zoom-Boing, z'nourrrwringmm": Oh please.

Christmas Ape said...

A rundown of Holy Grail quotes? Never saw that comin'.

quiet strength said...

Uhh...bambi...are you going to get fired?

the great bambi said...

@ quiet

"Samir and I are the best programmers they got at that place. You haven't been showing up, and you get to keep your job."

"Actually I'm being promoted."

Upstate Underdog said...

I was hoping for a rundown of quotes from "A Knights Tale."

Gern said...

More importantly, is John Connor gonna get to fuck that slutty chick terminator at some point??

naptown drew said...

Don't worry. They can't fire you for being awesome. They tried that shit at my last job and I just sat at my desk with a shotgun until they realized keeping me would be a "good business decision."

smurphette said...

@nashville: "Alabama Marmalard and the Temple of Douche" is superb. Sounds like the title of Ape's next Rivers post.

@francois: As soon as JJ shot him, there was commenter skepticism that he wasn't really dead. And the Ravens play Dallas next season.

Rally Monkey Spanker said...

Only 50 points? Nay! 50 is for the common peasants who drawest my ire!

The Mighty Belichick the Brash shalst put up thrice digits upon thee, and shatter thine proverbial time piece.

As thoust sayest in thine far off Kingdon of Kompton, I am the wrong Dark Knight to fuck with!

Leaking Geek said...

Sir Norval's alignment is Chaotic Neutral.

BDD, I would never have taken you for a DnD nerd.

Then i thought about the dick jokes and the eating preserves out of the jar statement and found the evidence to be incontrovertible.

What's Next...you admit to playing World of Warcrack...

the great bambi said...

hey, Mr T plays World of Warcrack, did you ever think of that, Mr. Condescending Blog Commenter?

Awful Chief said...

Hopefully Norv isn't a scuba diver - the fish would think his head is coral. Great post, sir.

Chris(BessMervinGirlDetective) said...

Whats wrong with playing wow...

...never getting laid again...

Punch Rockgroin said...

"Thou hast besquirted me, O Leotarded One...The maiden be thy!"

/Sheriff Goodell

Drizztdj said...

Where's the part Sir Norval rolls a twenty sided die and hits the 20-1 shot to win the battle?