Wednesday, January 16, 2008

EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY – The Bounty On Bill Simmons’ Hands Increased To $21


I’ve been trying to rein in the ol’ Simmons-bashing of late. It just makes me look like I’m being a whiny asshole with nothing better to do. Which is true. But no need to belabor the point. Besides, I think we’ve already spent enough time trying to prove Simmons (pictured above. Oh wait, that’s Dane Cook. Oh well, same thing) is an arrogant cockhog. You make fun of him enough, and soon YOU start to come off the one who’s repetitive and annoying, so I think I’ll take the high road and…

And that's not where the similarities begin and end with the '86 Celtics and the '07 Patriots.

JESUS FUCKING CHRIST. Why do you make it so hard for me, asshole? Just when I was trying to swallow my pride and appreciate the Patriots run, along comes William Of Greenwich to bring my acid reflux back.

When the Colts ducked the AFC Championship Game with an indefensible choke job against San Diego, many die-hard Boston fans thought the same thing: Ralph Sampson.

And by many fans, he means ONE.

Look, I'm not saying the '07 Colts or '86 Lakers openly chose to lose. They just took the easy way out. Subconsciously, they were probably thinking, "Deep down, we know we're not winning the title this year," and responded in crisis with the appropriate amount of urgency.

Wow, what an amazing analysis of the collective psyche of 50 to 60 players and coaches on the Indy sideline! I’m sure they subconsciously really wanted to lose to avoid your precious Patriots. No competitive fire in that team! What’s the view like inside your own large intestine? Is it shiny?

In the process, they cheated two unforgettable teams of punctuating unforgettable seasons by topping their natural rivals.

Oh, poor you! You get to go 19-0, just not against the teams you wanted to go 19-0 against! Oh, you poor millionaire you! You were so cheated! IT’S ALL SO UNFAIR!!!!

On top of that, (Brady) excelled during an unhealthy era in which we digest sports through various mediums, argue about them constantly and pick athletes and coaches apart on a 24/7 basis.

It’s true! If only it were like back in the old days, when people couldn’t write columns on the Internet! That was really the beginning of the end! It's also terrible when people can anonymously rip other people online, like the Sports Gal does!

He has the same satisfied smirk on his face that someone has when they're meeting the boyfriend of a kinky ex-girlfriend, like he's particularly delighted to make eye contact for that split-second as they're shaking hands.

“Kinky women usually leave me for other men because I play a Dictaphone of Adam Carolla reading my columns, and I make them wear a Kimmel wig! I also like to give smug glances to other men, just to be a fucking prick!”

I have this one on tape -- in the second half, the entire Celtics team morphs into Clint Eastwood during the final 15 minutes of "Unforgiven." It's incredible to watch. This game should run on ESPN Classic once a week.

Because Boston fans would really enjoy it! And they’re the only fans that matter!

The '86 Celtics had one of the most significant home court advantages in sports history, finishing 50-1 at home (including the playoffs) and breaking records for "Most times a group of fans recognized that a great pass was about to happen even before it happened," and "Most times a crowd has ever lifted a team from one level to another."

Because Boston fans are smarter and better than regular fans! In fact, they’re so good, they can literally improve the athletic potential of the team! But that’s not all! Boston fans can also turn lead into gold! And heal by touch! And when they take a shit, little animated birds appear from out of nowhere to wipe and powder their asses clean!

You can't say enough about that gag job by the defending champs. What a disgrace. Part of winning a title is defending the title after you win it ... and that wasn't anything remotely resembling a defense.

So true. If you don’t do well the next year, your title shouldn’t really count! Like when the Patriots when 9-7 in 2002 and failed to make the playoffs! So weak!

Whether it's a team or a player, the test remains the same: Will you be bouncing your grandkids on your lap some day and telling them how great Player X or Team X was? (Note: I always thought this would be a great way to decide the Hall of Fame -- if somebody doesn't pass the Grandkids Test, they're out.)

I see someone is taking notes at the Woody Paige School For Idiotic Hall Of Fame Selection Methodology.

You know, I started off liking Simmons because I thought he was different from every other sportswriter out there. But he’s fucking EXACTLY like them all. He only gives a fuck about HIS team, HIS life, HIS opinions, and getting you to side with him. And all the old Rocky III jokes in the world (“Oh look! Two men hugging! That’s so funny! Don’t you think it’s funny that I find that funny?”) don’t make a goddamn difference. Know why I can’t ignore Simmons? BECAUSE I DON’T WANT TO. I want to be reminded exactly of what it’s like to be some self-satisfied asshole who doesn’t give a shit about entertaining readers.

So, to that end… WE’RE UPPING THE BOUNTY!!!!



Twenty-one whole dollars to take out our man’s hands (NOTE: Offer not valid). He’ll never type or stroke his fingers through Wes Welker’s hair again. That’s the price you pay for making me root for fucking Marmalard, assfuck.

78 comments:

brick said...

Thanks for reminding me why I have sworn off reading his columns.

Travis said...

Couldn't be more right. Fuck this guy, I used to appreciate the insights he had, especially into the NBA. Now he just writes incessantly about the Pats and beats off to a different white player every day.

smeos said...

I wish I could be this intensely devoted to a particular region. Unfortunately, my region licks balls.

5150 said...

I wrote him:

Do you really believe the trash you write in your column every week, or do you intentionally try to upset people? The garbage you're spewing in your latest column not only seems unbelievable, but also unbelievably stupid. Do you think anyone on the Colts team purposely threw that game? Do you think so little of Manning and his spirit of competitiveness that he wouldn't give it 100%? Do you think these men have no pride? The Colts are probably one of the most gracious teams I've seen play in most recent times yet you think they would throw a game just so they don't have a chance at beating the best in the league.

Maybe you should have some pride and figure out what you're talking about before you just start spewing out random trash.


It was hard not to use bad words, but I didn't want to come off like some guy that would kill his children. I thought about it, but his kids don't know better.

Otto Man said...

What. A. Fucking. Douche.

Brian said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Otto Man said...

Lighten up, Francis.

Big Daddy Drew said...

This from the ringleader of a site that finds homosexuality so funny that it's referenced in nearly every post on the site.

You mean we left it out of a few posts? Well, I'll be sure to correct that.

king of pants said...

I have never before read vinegar and water. I have now. That was the douchiest doucheness that ever spewed a ping-pong ball out of a vag and into LARRY LEGEND'S WAITING HANDS.

When you decide to ignite the tacnuke in Boston, can you give me an hour's warning? I really don't want to suffer the richly-deserved fate Boston sports fans have coming to them.

Nashville Steeler Fan said...

Uh. Ah, wait! Wait! We do have a 'Bwian'! Well, go and wepwieve him, stwaight away.

THE Chicago Jones said...

A douchbag at Starbucks almost didn't accept my old-style twenty dollar bill the other day. Fucking barista. Your band sucks.

Oh yeah, and fuck Simmons.

Adam said...

I think it'd be interesting if ESPN could find out just how long people actually read his columns. More and more I find myself reading the first paragraph or so and then hitting the "Back" button. Great work BDD, now could you possibly aim some of that rage at Skip Bayless also?

KSK - Putting them in their place, one douche at a time!

MDZ said...

It's also terrible when people can anonymously rip other people online, like the Sports Gal does!

Don't you have to exist to do things anonymously?

Shoopmonster said...

As I was walking to class today, it ran through my head that he would write this exact column. I'm fucking scared.

Franklin said...

Preach it BDD

DC said...

All the Boston teams need to be awful again so we'll be able to enjoy Simmons' columns. I mean that's it, he'd rip his teams for a paragraph and move on. If I were in his position now I'd write a bunch of "remember it while it lasts" pieces about humility in victory and grace in defeat. Maybe when he's a grandfather he'll look back at his writings and think "man I was a fucking douche."

The Dude said...

You are doing God's work, BDD.

betheballdanny said...

I agree with dc.

Could you start writing about Vegas trips and Gus Johnson so I don't have to read Simmons anymore?

SMP said...

My friend and I had almost exactly the same breakdown of his column via IM earlier today. He has outdouched Rivers.

SMP said...

Simmons: "The responsibility of choosing between the best Boston-area teams of my lifetime was too overwhelming."

Wow, just like Churchill must've felt staring down Germany.

Seriously, fuck Simmons with a machete

larry b said...

Some people just weren't made to handle happiness. You know that guy in college who would get intolerably annoying whenever he hooked up with a girl or had a fun night out drinking? The guy you avoided when he was happy, because he was just a little too happy for his own good? Magnify that guy's annoyingness several hundred times, and that's Bill. I'm confident he wouldn't be nearly this much of a fuckstick if Boston's teams weren't doing so well.

Jim said...

In his podcast this week one of his "guests" calls him the least like-able person on the planet.

That was fun.

Junker23 said...

Holy shit. I can't believe any one person can be that presumptuous. Colts lost this week because they didn't want to face the inevitability of losing the next week. Jesus Buttfucking Christ.

I still don't get why he writes for a national site. I don't know why anyone outside of New England would want to read his stuff. Hell, I'm from Boston and he pisses me off worse than Dan fucking Shaughnessy writing about Jim Rice.

Consigliari said...

The only writer who actually cites his own opinions as fact. "Wow, is the whole world wrong about Norv Turner (a fact I made up)?" Very impressive note by Simmons that Larry Bird is the inaugural member of the 90% FT, 50% FG, 40% 3pt club....in playoff history. Wow, that is one prestigious club! Do they have a handshake? Never mind that the three point shot was all of 6 years old. Only excluded about 100,000 players from the possibility of being included.

I look forward to the Patriots loss, and the giant excuse article he will write. "Brady gets a point because he dominated throughout the '07 season (save for a couple of cold-weather games)" Ah, note to self. Cold-weather games don't count. Never mind that Favre put up 42 last week in a snow storm. But lets just start the sandbagging in case the Pats lose so I have a plethora of excuses to go to.

Does he actually morph into a douche while he types?

Jason Marcuson said...

So wait, doesn't this mean he is accusing the Colts of cheating? If the Colts intentionally tried to lose, as he suggests?

Now I have a question: I own the rights to www.firebillsimmons.com. I've been sitting on it for some time, deciding I'd rather not give in to his douche-ocity. I'd like suggestions on how to utilize it. I'm no Webmaster, and I don't want to mess with it unless there is a solid purpose. Ideas?

ben said...

Jason: I'd make it "Fire Bill Simmons out of a 16 Inch Battleship Cannon."

See how the Welker jersey exploded into hundreds of pieces when it hit the water? That was as awesome as Tom Brady and Larry Bird combined.

larry b said...

Jason- Drop me an email at firejaymariotti@gmail.com if you're interested in selling the URL. My friends and I might be willing to buy it from you. For $21! Kidding. Seriously, just email if you want to.

Landru said...

But...still...you're not really going to root for Marmalard, are you? Cause, like, if you do, the terrorists win.

N.J.G said...

as soon as i started reading simmons today i stopped and came here, is it wrong that my first thought after what an incredible fucktard was well ksk should be fun today?

and seriously as a colts fani find the diea that the colts lost on purpose not even worthy of a bronze in the Special olympics. really the colts who probably had a 25% chance of ebating the pats instead chose to lose their last game in the RCA dome and shit on their fans to avoid losing to the pats. Did you sniff glue?

Schlom said...

You left out my favorite part of the column:

"(Tom Brady) came within a Wes Welker drop and an uncalled interference penalty away from completing every pass against the Jaguars in the AFC divisional playoffs."

As everyone knows, that's the goal of a QB, to complete every pass he throws. Nevermind that he threw for less yards then Marmalard with 9 more passes.

J.L. White said...

I can't wait for when the Patriots lose, so that Simmons (and perhaps other pro-Pats writers) will take the uber-douchey task of damning the evil, blasphemous Giants/Packers/Chargers team that dare defeat them. That, or he'll go insane and write every article based in a universe where the Pats won the Super Bowl, and even live-blogs the "victory parade" while being committed to an insane asylum.

(Fuck, no way God allows the Pats to lose, though. His master plan is to make Simmons grow into such a douche his head explodes into a fountain of water, vinegar and pussy juice.)

joepadon said...

BDD,

Let me just say that you're an excellent writer. This post actually pissed me off and now I hate Billy(not that I like him before, but never HATED). For that you're an asshole. Have a good one.

smurphette said...

Whenever I find out that a guy likes reading Simmons, he immediately becomes less attractive. But then I suppose, if he can tolerate that much douche, he probably doesn't like having sex with girls anyway.

Flipside Corporate Offices said...

Having now discussed the topic with most of Indianapolis, I can say this with the utmost confidence: this article has just replaced our Town Charter.

Mike Barton said...

I always assumed Simmons WAS the Sports Gal.

Engineer Sighted said...

What’s the view like inside your own large intestine? Is it shiny?

Bangerang, Drewfio.

D.E. said...

I read articles like this and realize that Simmons has never actually played a sport. He lacks any and all comprehension what competition is, because if he did, the shit spewing out of his mouth wouldn't happen.

Leaking Geek said...

If being a Douchebag is a disease, Simmons is the Typhoid Mary of New England Sports.

Unfortunately, this disease won't burn itself out until the Pats lose or we witness Armageddon, whichever comes first. This era should be dubbed the New England Douche Pandemic.

Mr. Bad Example said...

In fact, when Celtic fans pass the scene of an accident they HAVE to stop. Because they're THE ONLY ONES who can help.

It's only fitting that the guy who gave us the Pantheon of Faces and the Mike Tyson Zone would be the inaugural inductee into... wait for it... THE TOM CRUISE DOUCHE-O-TEQUE!

smurphette said...

@engineer: Bangerang, yourself. Nicely done.

MartinTheMerciless said...

You people are being way too harsh to our brothers and sisters from New England. We owe them a debt of gratitude. If not for their illustrious ancestors, our country would be crawling with Witches and Indians. If they act smug and self-righteous, they've earned it.

naptown drew said...

I never read Simmons but I decided to this evening to form my own opinion of the man rather than simply take everyone's word that he is a giant docuhe.

So now I've decided his hands may not be enough. You see, over time he could learn to use his toes or nose on a keyboard or perhaps invest in voice recognition software which could type for him.

However, murdering Simmons seems a little extreme. Perhaps somebody could maim him or burn him to remove anything pointy from his body (including his tongue) which could be used to spread his Massachusetts brand of Massengill. Just an idea.

Comicbook Guy said...

As much as I hate to admit it, I threw up a little bit in my own mouth reading him. $ 21.00 isn't nearly enough. If every one of us could send in , oh I don't know, lets say a quarter, we could add at least another 3 bucks to the bounty.

BDD, hats off to you once again.

pain-ther fan said...

What, no goodie bag?

Mayor McCheese said...

It's amazing that Simmons was able to see his computer screen to type this with head head so far up his ass. I mean, it takes a lot of work to come up with long-winded, repetitive columns with recycled jokes every week. But with his head lodged so far up his ass, it's really an accomplishment. Heck, I go to an Ivy League school and I need performance enhancing drugs to rewrite my friends' papers.

I'll throw in $21 dollars and a 6-pack of the finest lager around (Natural Light) to the person who cuts off his hands.

futuremrsrickankiel said...

Thank you.

Just... thank you.

(still have REO Speedwagon stuck in my head. Fucker.)

SlipperyPete said...

But Drew what can we do with the $21?

futuremrsrickankiel said...

$21 can buy many peanuts!

Explain how.

Money can be exchanged for goods and services!

(I'll stop now.)

Shake'n'bake said...

Thanks for the heads up on the dangerous levels of douche in the new Simmons column. I would have actually started reading that column if it wasn't for you.

Thank You

twoeightnine said...

So I'm close to moving to LA... it's for grad school people, it burns like herpes for me too. Can anyone hook me up with a spot in that Hollywood NBA league where all the un-athletic white actors pretend like they've actually ever done anything besides run to Starbucks? If I can be offered a couple of D-3 scholarships for simply having pointy elbows I'm sure I could have fun playing the "Clippers."

Clutch Is Everything said...

ooo ma gawwd braidy or layree !!!11ONEE

miamidiesel said...

I don't want to be blamed if this Patriots' season somehow goes to hell.

Translation: like every other Masshole, I'm jumping off the bandwagon if the Pats don't win the championship.

I have nothing but praise for Vrabel and Bruschi, but Harrison disgraced the franchise with his HGH suspension and slightly tainted a few of this season's games with cheap shots, late hits, dumb penalties and generally irrational behavior. For Pats fans, he's like dealing with a family member who says and does dumb things at every holiday dinner -- maybe you don't hold those things against him because he's family, but you always find yourself complaining about him when he's not in the room.

So the two white guys are perfectly alright, but he has to tolerate the black guy? More typical Masshole. Also, is he really willing to say that Harrison's HGH use and "tainting" of several games with cheap shots, late hits, dumb penalties and irrational behavior was more egregious than the Pats' offensive line's extensive use of "sweep the leg" tactics on opposing pass rushers, or disgraced the franchise more than Belichick and Spygate? Of course he is, because Belichick and the o-line are white... and white is right. Plus the Pats' o-line has Dan Haggerty beards!

Unbe-fucking-lievable.

Tinnitus said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Tinnitus said...

I think there's a quote that hasn't been brought up yet, probably because most gag reflexes don't last until the second to last paragraph, that warrants mentioning.

Sports Dad/the most tragic vasectomy that wasn't:

"This is the dumbest thing you've ever done -- it's even dumber than the time your car got stolen because you left your keys in your car door."

If I were to say enough said, I'd be lying.

Pale Writer said...

So..I realize this is off-topic because I'm not questioning the bathing habits of African-Americans--especially the angry ones--but Sports Gal is Simmons, right? I believed for a bit that maybe his wife really was making the picks, but then the rants and that time she wrote the whole column...it's the same writing style. I mean..."Drivel, drivel, pop culture reference, drivel, hate someone who isn't me". Either Sports Gal has been filling in for Simmons while he consoled Jimmy during the writer's strike, or Simmons' wife can't even stand his column

William said...

All I hear when I read stuff like this is "blah blah... gay joke... Simmons blows... blah blah... people from Boston, err Massholes (ya, thats clever!) are racist"


Please re-read your first paragraph. "You make fun of him enough, and soon YOU start to come off the one who’s repetitive and annoying..." If you hate the man so much, don't read him. It's relatively simple.

Gay joke.

J-Dizzle said...

Oh why, oh why, oh why could the writer's strike not have spread to at least ESPN.

Troy said...

Jesus, man. Overreact much?

larry b said...

Interesting and totally relevant points from William there. Good stuff. Nothing like a "if you don't like it then don't read it" comment from someone who needs to take their own advice.

Wait a minute... William... Will... BILL. OH MY GOD IT'S HIM, HE FOUND US, EVERYONE RUN, OH MY GOD, FUCK, WE'RE DEAD

C. L. said...

You know, I don't even think the word douchebag comes close to describing that idiot anymore. He has reached douchebaggery of an epic scale. If there is a Hall of Fame for douchebags, Simmons would be the first inductee. In fact, they might as well name it the Bill Simmons Douchebag Hall of Fame.

grungedave said...

If the Texans/Rockets/Astros ever have a run like the '01-present Pats/Celtics/Red Sox... I can't say for sure I wouldn't be a smug prick like Simmons.

that said - I can't believe I will find myself rooting for Marmalard Sunday. Ugh.

Mayor McCheese said...

I don't know if I buy the whole Simmons is Sports Gal theory. There's no way he can successfully pick games like that. Could be Kimmel?

Rally Monkey Spanker said...

I don't fault you for reading Simmons column even though you hate him. I'm not a huge fan of NASCAR, but I watch for the 50 car crashes.

If Marmalard pulls off the upset this week, EVERYONE should e-mail Simmons with just one phrase, "Ya betta ask somebodddaaaaaayyyyyyyy!"

Maybe multiple e-mails will be required.

fallex said...

miamidiesel: +1 for your analysis. -10,000 for the Karate Kid reference.

And without reading his drivel, it doesn't sound so much like he's ready to jump off the bandwagon, as much as he's aggrandizing himself and his writing to say "if/when the patriots blow this run, everyone's going to look at ME, the witty writer who had abso-fucking-nothing to do with the ACTUAL team, but jinxed them with some harebrained comparison to not-even-the-best-NBA team-ever."

Justin said...

um, why do you care to read his stuff? Like I've heard before, it amazes me how people will bitch and complain about a free internet column. If I don't like your blog, I don't read it or discuss it.

In other words, if you hate him so much, why torture yourself by reading his work?

Robert Ullman said...

Whaaaaaaaa!

Wormfather said...

@Pale Writer

I'm actually going to say that it's possible that the Sports Gal is actually writing her own posts, errr, submissions. With that said, I think she may actually hate her husband, not that I blame her but everytime she mentions him, it's almost in this "He makes good money but why god, oh why is my husband such a douchebag?

As an aside, I picture Jimmy Kimmel banging the Sports Gal while BS sits in the corner crying.

Too far?

Biggus Rickus said...

Justin,

Are you some kind of fucking magician? You are both reading/not reading and discussing/not discussing it at the same time. How do you do it? Mirrors? Trapdoor?

Kenneth Griggs said...

Bill Simmons is sort of like Wes Welker: without ESPN, Simmons is just another self-indulgent, East Coast douche with a typewriter and too much time on his petite, effeminate hands; without Moss’ skinny ass drawing quadruple coverage, Wes Welker wouldn’t have the luxury of being covered by linebackers and annoying defenses like the gnat he is. In other words, they both benefit from forces outside of themselves and neither has a voice/talent without the extraordinary assistance of, in Simmons’ case, ESPN, and, in Welker’s case, Randy Moss.

But, then, there’s always this analysis, too: Bill Simmons molests collies.

MDZ said...

Wormfather,
Of course he's crying because Jimmy is banging someone else.

Cory said...

I'm glad I'm not the only one that clicked "Back" about 2 paragraphs in to that shit yesterday. I really hope something sunk in with him when the guy from the podcast said that he was the most despised man in the country. Sports Gal really does seem to dislike him but she has become him...even does the same referencing to his friends that he does. "My buddy Jimmy" "My buddy Adam" as if they are his random old college friends and we dont have a clue that he's talking about Kimmel or Carolla. I hate him, but I can't stop reading.

Gern said...

No comments about Dane Cook? Talk about the un-funniest guy to have a career of all time. You should name the lamest award the "Dane Cook" award. Like, this year's Dane Cook award for worst mother is: Britney Spears. Or, this year's Dane Cook award for worst last third of a movie goes to: No Country for Old Men. Figure out an appropriate category (ies) for Bill Simmons and go nuts with it.

dtro said...

@ rally monkey

The "ya betta ask somebodddaaayyyy!" email is a great idea if the pats lose this weekend. It'll be like a ksk-inspired internet uprising.

For some reason I am strangely drawn to reading simmons' articles even though I know I'm going to hate them. Must be some kind of subconscious masochistic tendencies. However, I didn't even bother reading this one, because there is only so much rage a man can handle.

Chris at Redleg Nation said...

I stopped reading, for the most part. But the podcast was strangely entertaining, up until this week's ("let's spend the whole day having uninformed chats w/ my unfamous buddies").

He has zero interview skills, but being w/ the WWL gets him great guests, and Cousin Sal is remarkably likeable and brings out the humility in Our Boy Billy.

Matt said...

I'm a New Hampshire native and have been a Pats fan since about 1990 (I'm 26 but remember Rod Rust, McPhearson & the days of rooting for Scott Zolak at QB). That being said you are completely correct in tearing into Simmons for writing this sort of column while the outcome is in doubt. Whatever the merits of the 2007 Patriots (and clearly there are many), if they fail to win the Super Bowl then the season has to be considered a major disappointment. Columns comparing them to one of the all-time great basketabll teams (also up for debate despite his insistence otherwise, I'd pick either the 1998 Bulls or the 1961 Celtics) are way out of line right now. Plus pretty much everyone in the country is entirely sick of hearing from us right now; we need to just shut up and be grateful for what we have knowing that teams like this don't last long in the modern NFL.

mamacita said...

@grunge dave: fortunately, the odds of that happening are infintesimal. But I like the fact that the Astros play to good-sized crowds even when they suck.

/sorry-baseball

MikeyG said...

this is ouuuuuuuuur douchebag.

dwfma. said...

So true. If you don’t do well the next year, your title shouldn’t really count! Like when the Patriots when 9-7 in 2002 and failed to make the playoffs! So weak!

You are assuming Bill and the rest of Red Sox Nation even knew their region had a football team. I think it took the second Super Bowl victory, if not the third, for the fans to shake Aaron Boone's poop from their eyes and realize, "Hey, we have a football team ... "

I can't wait for the Bruins to finally get a real goalie, so he can go on and on about how much he loved Phil Kessel all along.