EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY – The Bounty On Bill Simmons’ Hands Increased To $21

I’ve been trying to rein in the ol’ Simmons-bashing of late. It just makes me look like I’m being a whiny asshole with nothing better to do. Which is true. But no need to belabor the point. Besides, I think we’ve already spent enough time trying to prove Simmons (pictured above. Oh wait, that’s Dane Cook. Oh well, same thing) is an arrogant cockhog. You make fun of him enough, and soon YOU start to come off the one who’s repetitive and annoying, so I think I’ll take the high road and…

And that's not where the similarities begin and end with the '86 Celtics and the '07 Patriots.

JESUS FUCKING CHRIST. Why do you make it so hard for me, asshole? Just when I was trying to swallow my pride and appreciate the Patriots run, along comes William Of Greenwich to bring my acid reflux back.

When the Colts ducked the AFC Championship Game with an indefensible choke job against San Diego, many die-hard Boston fans thought the same thing: Ralph Sampson.

And by many fans, he means ONE.

Look, I'm not saying the '07 Colts or '86 Lakers openly chose to lose. They just took the easy way out. Subconsciously, they were probably thinking, "Deep down, we know we're not winning the title this year," and responded in crisis with the appropriate amount of urgency.

Wow, what an amazing analysis of the collective psyche of 50 to 60 players and coaches on the Indy sideline! I’m sure they subconsciously really wanted to lose to avoid your precious Patriots. No competitive fire in that team! What’s the view like inside your own large intestine? Is it shiny?

In the process, they cheated two unforgettable teams of punctuating unforgettable seasons by topping their natural rivals.

Oh, poor you! You get to go 19-0, just not against the teams you wanted to go 19-0 against! Oh, you poor millionaire you! You were so cheated! IT’S ALL SO UNFAIR!!!!

On top of that, (Brady) excelled during an unhealthy era in which we digest sports through various mediums, argue about them constantly and pick athletes and coaches apart on a 24/7 basis.

It’s true! If only it were like back in the old days, when people couldn’t write columns on the Internet! That was really the beginning of the end! It's also terrible when people can anonymously rip other people online, like the Sports Gal does!

He has the same satisfied smirk on his face that someone has when they're meeting the boyfriend of a kinky ex-girlfriend, like he's particularly delighted to make eye contact for that split-second as they're shaking hands.

“Kinky women usually leave me for other men because I play a Dictaphone of Adam Carolla reading my columns, and I make them wear a Kimmel wig! I also like to give smug glances to other men, just to be a fucking prick!”

I have this one on tape -- in the second half, the entire Celtics team morphs into Clint Eastwood during the final 15 minutes of "Unforgiven." It's incredible to watch. This game should run on ESPN Classic once a week.

Because Boston fans would really enjoy it! And they’re the only fans that matter!

The '86 Celtics had one of the most significant home court advantages in sports history, finishing 50-1 at home (including the playoffs) and breaking records for "Most times a group of fans recognized that a great pass was about to happen even before it happened," and "Most times a crowd has ever lifted a team from one level to another."

Because Boston fans are smarter and better than regular fans! In fact, they’re so good, they can literally improve the athletic potential of the team! But that’s not all! Boston fans can also turn lead into gold! And heal by touch! And when they take a shit, little animated birds appear from out of nowhere to wipe and powder their asses clean!

You can't say enough about that gag job by the defending champs. What a disgrace. Part of winning a title is defending the title after you win it ... and that wasn't anything remotely resembling a defense.

So true. If you don’t do well the next year, your title shouldn’t really count! Like when the Patriots when 9-7 in 2002 and failed to make the playoffs! So weak!

Whether it's a team or a player, the test remains the same: Will you be bouncing your grandkids on your lap some day and telling them how great Player X or Team X was? (Note: I always thought this would be a great way to decide the Hall of Fame -- if somebody doesn't pass the Grandkids Test, they're out.)

I see someone is taking notes at the Woody Paige School For Idiotic Hall Of Fame Selection Methodology.

You know, I started off liking Simmons because I thought he was different from every other sportswriter out there. But he’s fucking EXACTLY like them all. He only gives a fuck about HIS team, HIS life, HIS opinions, and getting you to side with him. And all the old Rocky III jokes in the world (“Oh look! Two men hugging! That’s so funny! Don’t you think it’s funny that I find that funny?”) don’t make a goddamn difference. Know why I can’t ignore Simmons? BECAUSE I DON’T WANT TO. I want to be reminded exactly of what it’s like to be some self-satisfied asshole who doesn’t give a shit about entertaining readers.

So, to that end… WE’RE UPPING THE BOUNTY!!!!



Twenty-one whole dollars to take out our man’s hands (NOTE: Offer not valid). He’ll never type or stroke his fingers through Wes Welker’s hair again. That’s the price you pay for making me root for fucking Marmalard, assfuck.