Thursday, January 3, 2008

You Know, When I Look Back At It All, I Wish I Had More Time

NFC 3rd Seed -- Seattle Seahawks (10-6)

Mike Holmgren: I know this: At the end of the season, I am very much wiped out. You play your last game and you fall apart. You get a cold, you get all screwed up. The losses, and I've said this, are much harder than 10 years ago for me. Much harder. I lose my patience, I get more angry.

Matt Hasselbeck: Quick, coach! I need a playcall! 2nd and 3! 2nd and 3! I've got the Redskins defense flummoxed with my elaborate disguise.

Holmgren: Oh, lost bucket. Have I truly abandoned all hope of finding you in my silly quest for gridiron success? How many years has it been? 10? 15? I remember you cylindrical shape as though I were wrapping my flippers around it now.

Deion Branch: C'mon, coach. Play clock is running out!

Hasselbeck: Perhaps I shall capture fair maiden and bind her to the train tracks with this section of rope? That will leave her woefully imperiled by a likely death by locomotive! Mwahahahaha!

Holmgren: When one reaches an advanced age such as I have, it dawns on you all the experiences you may have missed while tilting at the windmills of life. When I think of all the things I've yet to eat, all the buffets I've yet to buffet with my jaws...

Marcus Pollard: Fuck! We just got six delay a' game penalties!

12th Man Flag: [flaps in breeze in manner that sounds like booing]

Hasselbeck: Perhaps Master Wayne is in need of his morning abultions. I say, for a crime-fighting mastermind, one would think he could properly bathe himself. In all my years...

Holmgren: I was chatting with Brett Favre the other day. It'd been a while since we caught up. He was telling me about all the wondrous things about retirement and how I should never think of doing them so I can hang around for another decade and torture my team's fans.

Shaun Alexander:
All this standing around has got me tired out. Can we just form a pile so I can dive into it?

Hasselbeck: You know, perhaps I should just do away with this silly playoff beard. I doesn't seem to be doing me a lick of good.



Ben Roethlisberger: YU CAWL THA PLAYLOFT BEERD? HARF HARF HARF HARF


credit Sportable for the Hasselbeck pic

41 comments:

Big Daddy Drew said...

Jesus, that's the worst mustache I've ever seen. He needs a 3" long pinky nail to go with it.

Otto Man said...

Still, it's good to see John Waters is finally getting into shape.

flubby said...

Hass looks like Harvey Korman with that stache.

JAMMQ said...

What the hell does CC doe around here anymore?

He can't even share his comedic brilliance with us to do the write up on the Seahawks? Aren't they his team?

(bracing for the unleashing of Caveman fury)

JAMMQ said...

*do

John said...

clinton portis be stealin' his bukket!

Upstate Underdog said...

since when did the villain Egghead from the 1960'd batman t.v. show start playing QB for Seattle ?

http://content.answers.com/main/content/wp/en/thumb/6/65/200px-Egghead_batman.jpg

Captain Caveman said...

What the hell does CC doe around here anymore?

Hater's Guide is generally Ape's domain, jammq. Was me posting something this morning too long ago for you, or is this an exercise to test my patience?

SlideShow Bob said...

CC wore himself out on the Wade and Jerry post. Also, Adam Morrison even thinks thats a pussy mustache

Christmas Ape said...

I'm either a poor man's Drew or a poor man's Caveman. It's because of that kind of versatility that they keep me around here.

John S. said...

Not being snarky here, but,

It should read "....capture a fair maiden and b[i]nd her to the train tracks with this section of rope..."

Christmas Ape said...

Yes, thanks. Continue slobbering over Drew and Ufford and nitpick my shit.

Assholes.

dickey simpkins said...

Leave it to the commenters to break up blog chemistry.

John S. said...

Jee-zus. Just trying to help a brotha out.

Next time I will let you wallow in your misconjugated verbs... prick.

Christmas Ape said...

Talking about more of a general trend than you specifically. I fixed it, assiduous grammarian.

quiet strength said...

Assholes and pricks...I just wanted to say I liked the Cervantes reference...

John S. said...

Honestly, I would have called it out on anyone.

However, not to prick your already deflated ego, but, you did not fix it as you forgot to place an "a" in front of "fair maiden."

The Pirate Sloth said...

The Alexander line is perfect. I think I might shave off my beard/stache so I can resemble fair Matt for this weekends game though. Might be fun.

Christmas Ape said...

Doesn't need the "a." He's referring to her directly.

Upstate Underdog said...

Grammar Flame War = GraFlaWa

smurphette said...

@jammq/CC: I certainly hope it's an exercise to test the patience. I love the Caveman fury.

naptown drew said...

Jesus is this KSK or Sesame Street? If I wanted to learn grammar I would move away from Indiana.

John S. said...

Are you suggesting that "I shall capture fair maiden..." should not read "I shall capture a fair maiden..." when Hasselback is pondering what he will be doing in the future?

In this sentence, "maiden" is a count noun and requires a numerical demonination. When a count noun is singular, it is preceded by an "a".

Christmas Ape said...

Whether it's grammatically correct or not, it's an idiom that was used colloquially during times when women could be referred to as "fair maiden."

Christmas Ape said...

Also, LET IT GO ALREADY

dickey simpkins said...

grammar fight in a satirical football blog. The internet's purpose is now complete.

John John The Bastard said...

John S.: Apparently, you were not raised around Rocky and Bullwinkle.

John S. said...

Since the "fair maiden" was not indroduced into the "plotline" prior to the statement, the reader has no way of knowing he was referring to a specific person rather than a generic description.

Indeed, as he is contemplating actions in the future, it seems unlikely that he is thinking of a specific person but, rather, thinking of a generic fair maiden.

John S. said...

*just seeing how far I could push it before something broke*

Anyway, I LOVE Rocky and Bullwinkle.

Christmas Ape said...

I think Ben Roethlisberger might be using improper syntax in his quote.

quiet strength said...

Hey grammar king of KSK...when a sentence ends in quote marks, the period goes inside the marks. For example: When a count noun is singular, it is preceded by an "a."

Not to be snarky or anything.

John S. said...

quiet strength - You are right about that. As you can see, I did it properly earlier on. This was a simple typo.

Grimey said...

Alright, STOP... Grammar Time!

Grimey said...

By the way, it's nice to see Hasselbeck is growing his eyebrows out for the playoffs as well.

JAMMQ said...

Was me posting something this morning too long ago for you, or is this an exercise to test my patience?

Yes and no. I didn't see the Wade & Jerry post.

I would never try to test your patience. I figure it's tested enough the minute the sun starts shining in the morning.

Otto Man said...

Jeez, I leave to get some work done, and the National Grammar Rodeo breaks out.

Nice work, Upstate, on nailing the Egghead reference. I'm kicking myself for missing that one.

Christmas Ape said...

John S. is head buckaroo.

John S. said...

Yee-hah?

Matt T said...

The mustache is an elaborate scheme to distract Jeff Garcia during the game.

pain-ther fan said...

As much as I LOVE this blog, as hard as I have laughed in the past, the preceding "grammar wars" are just about the funniest damn thing I have ever read.

leave the holiday primate alone, his shit works.

Mike said...

Who's this Christmas Ape guy?

I thought the guy from Father Knows Shit and the pot-smoking Jew with the gambling problem wrote this blog.