Friday, January 11, 2008

It's All About the Shalits, Baby... Uh-Huh, Yeah

Dear cum drenched whore, it's time to trim the hedges.


Welcome to a very special episode of Always Be Covering. It's divisional playoffs weekend, which means we're running out of time to make all the easy money we can before we blow it all on Super Bowl prop bets (DON'T FUCK THIS UP, TAILS!). In the past I've found that this weekend provides some of the easiest gambling opportunities of the year. So if you like money and things that are easy feel free to play along at home. Soon you too will have pockets overflowing with Shalits. On to the picks!

Caturday's Are For Coverers, Teases


I told you this was a very special episode and I meant it. This week I'm not even going to attempt to provide rational explanations for my inherently irrational wagers. Instead, it's an ABC/LOLNFL Mashup!

Alright, so here's the deal. I might have fucked up pretty badly on this one. I meant to buy this teaser with a pair of hooks (an extra .5 point on the spread so as to avoid a push, and thus, a loss) but I didn't because I'm a dumbass of epic proportions. Regardless, I'm risking 55 to win 50, and it probably won't even matter.


Reminder: This is a teaser, so the next person to tell me I got the line wrong will be dipped head-first into a vat of Mike Holmgren's excrement.

Seattle +14 at Green Bay



New England -7 vs. Jacksonville




Sunday Funday!


Three single bets, with 55 to win 50 on each.

Indianapolis -9 vs. San Diego



Getting Over On Vegas
Risking 55 to win 50 for each Over/Under bet.

Jacksonville and New England OVER 49.5



San Diego and Indianapolis OVER 46.5


That's it for this week's picks. I wish you the best of luck and hope everyone enjoys the games. I'll be spared from inevitable Pats win thanks to a poorly scheduled (yet unmissable) basketball game.

27 comments:

Michael said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Unsilent Majority said...

must.kill.michael.

Dan said...

michael has apparantly never heard of a teaser bet.

i think this happens every week

Otto Man said...

Moor Points? The Jags signed Othello?

Michael said...

yeah I kind of missed that whole teaser part which I why I deleted my comment....too hung over

Unsilent Majority said...

it's ok, it had to be somebody.

futuremrsrickankiel said...

***WARNING: homerism ahead***

I sincerely hope you're not counting on a Wizards/Celtics game to provide you respite from Boston-area athletic dominance.

***you may now resume rational discourse***

Michael said...

It's a shame I wasn't second though because then I could have gotten a good high off of Holmgren's butthash.

SlideShow Bob said...

Pats and Indy will roll, i am not touching either of the NFC gmaes though. no clue whay will happen there.

William said...

No love for the Giants and Cowboys?

Unsilent Majority said...

KG will lose or die at my hand.

Unsilent Majority said...

No love for the Giants and Cowboys?

Nope. Playoff games between division opponents are no fun.

quiet strength said...

@um - I'm fine with either scenario.

Jake said...

No Dungy you can't have another. Just because one of your kids killed himself and none of the others live with you anymore doesn't mean you get to have another shot just so you can whore out your supposedly world-class parenting skills.

Phony Gwynn said...

Well, Maj, for your sake I hope the C's waste all their energy tonight defiling the Nets as retribution for their ugly loss to Charlotte earlier this week.

Rusty said...

UM. I'll be at the Celtics game too. But we're only going to be missing the first half. Go to Clyde's or RFD after the game to see a New England team win twice in a two hour period.

And then bow down to me.

milesdavis said...

anyone else out there thinking jacksonville will cover the spread?

Russell K said...

Jacksonville should cover. From what I remember, the Pats have had teams cover against them every week since the Eagles game.

Also, you're betting on the over in a game where Norv Turner is involved? Do you think Indy's going to score 50?

Biggus Rickus said...

I heard Jacksonville was the team nobody wanted to play, so I'm pretty sure that the Pats will be so disinterested they'll only win by 2.

futuremrsrickankiel said...

"I used to suck cock for cocaine, this is pathetic! Let's find the most innocent drug ever and dramatize it to the point of absurdity. The producers needed to censor it for the networks, I get it. Well, if they had her sucking Zacks dick for a caffeine buzz then it would have been more convincing."

That's a direct quote from the "Comments" section under the Saved By the Bell clip on YouTube.

I weep for the future.

And I'm pretty sure the Pats covered against Pittsburgh, and maybe the Dolphins as well, although I can't remember if the line was -20 or -22 and I feel guilty trolling betting websites at work.

Unsilent Majority said...

The Pats did in fact cover against the Steelers. Then they failed to cover against the Jets, Dolphins, and Giants. I think they might be a bit more motivated to put things away this week.

Unsilent Majority said...

Rusty, I'm usually around one of those two spots either before or after games.

Rusty said...

Could you recommend one or the other? I never go out to Gallery Place and need to find a place that won't annoy my gf (who hates sports, but bought me the tickets...AWWWW).

I'm leaning Clyde's since I will be too excited for the Patriots to bother crossing a street.

Unsilent Majority said...

Clydes will be packed, RFD will not. Clydes has good food, RFD has crappy food. Clydes has the better tv, but RFD has more of them. RFD obviously has the advantage in terms of beer.

If it's about making the GF happy I'd say Clydes is the best bet on that block.

Mike said...

The top picture and the first Pats picture don't work for me, UM. Might be blocked by my work's filter though.

twoeightnine said...

If you're with your girl go to Clydes. Get the buffalo chicken sandwich, it's one of the best I've had outside of Western NY. Surprisingly good chili too.

Unsilent Majority said...

not sure what the deal is with the pictures.