Friday, January 18, 2008

The Epic Douchefrontation: Massholes vs. Marmalard. WHO YA GOT?

The game may not be all that competitive on the field but there'll be plenty of grist for the douche mill in this pitched battle of the obnoxious, with the bandwagon, pink hatted, fairweather, occasionally violent, racist and retaaaaaaahded fans of the Paytreeuts square off with Marmalard himself. The combined forces of douche converging could make the universe collapse on itself, which is a preferable eventuality than the Patriots winning it all. Anyway, WHO YA GOT?


New England Patriots fans_________Philip Rivers

Been Around the NFL Since


Can't Find

A minority among them_______His teammates after the game

Frightening Facial Feature

Patriots helmet tattoo____________Laserface


"The real season staaaarts in April"_______Volektricity

In Love With

Jennaaaaaafaaaaaaa_____Chastity, who surprisingly isn't a stripper

How You Know They're Coming

Light dims, animals flee________[door flies open]

Opening move

Clearing out all the "dddaaaaakies"__Ya betta ask somebodddaaaayyyyyy

Finishing Move

Ending every blog comment with "19-0"___Making you root for him

For those in the D.C. area who care to join, I'll be watching the game at Murphy's in Alexandria, home of "the largest Patriots fan club in the mid-Atlantic region." Sure, the team will almost certainly win, but all that C4 I plant might put the kibosh on their celebration. I'm kidding, of course. Grenades will work fine. Thanks for those, Ufford!


quiet strength said...

Was reading the comments section of an Indy Star article about Dungy possibly leaving and came across this quote. Thought it might be a good reminder.

"well losers here i am again your team will never be as good as the pats payton is overated brady set all new records this year while pinhead was making tampon commercials pinhead is hated throught the country cause he cried so much after losing afc champ game 42 3 the nfl changed the rules about receivers getting jammed at line of scrimage boo hoo watch out eli if you play NE they tackle really really hard pinhead couldnt hold bradys jock strap brady is bainging a supermodl while pinhead bangs a **** ugly broad"

futuremrsrickankiel said...

Somehow, the blurry version of the Rivers picture was funnier to me. I'm not sure why.


(just kidding.)

Junker23 said...

Is this a new, higher resolution Marmalard pic? Excellent.

BeaverFever said...

San Diego, German for whale's vagina
New England, German for country's vagina.

Elizabeth the Conqueror said...

I'll probably be there. Woo.

John John The Bastard said...

Methinks Jennafaa (Excellent phonetic spelling by the way) might be a hair to dark for any Pats fans to be comfortable with.

Leaking Geek said...


With the new Hi Res Pic, his Military Grade Douchiness came through so much...clearer.

twoeightnine said...

Creole Lady Marmaaaaaalard!

smurphette said...

Sorry Ape, but I would never go to a bar full of Pats fans on purpose, not even one that bears my name.

Marmalard owns in a douchefrontation.

Guiness319 said...

I gotta give the edge to the Masshole nation. Marmatard will fade from the spotlight in the coming months, but as the "Fallback" notes, the Massholes will be out in full force in April, reinvigorated. After spending nearly a century being New York's bitch, a couple of successful seasons have their little brother complex flipping out to epic proportions of doucheness.

17-0... unless I already missed two rounds of the playoffs

Cheap Cynicism said...

Has anyone ever explained the actual origins of "Ya betta ask somebodddaaaayyyyyy"? Where did Xmas Ape come up with this magnificant distillation of doucheness?

Jim U. said...

Wow, I've neven seen a Masshole phoenitc spelling before. I guess you really do learn something new everyday.

Rally Monkey Spanker said...

Jennafaa's Career Goal:
To always be happy and able to support myself financially.

Sounds like every stripper I ever met.

futuremrsrickankiel said...

That woman's head looks too big for her body. Is it just me?

Also, I just realized that the picture above depicts an asshole actually shaped like the Commonwealth of Massachusetts -- hence, "Masshole." That's some fine graphics work there, sir.

the george said...

Nothing wrong with Jennafa. I myself prefer Chantal.

Mike said...

I like Nicole, personally.

But all these girls are clueless whores. Just the way I like 'em.

ben said...

I'm out of town, but my sister and brother will probably join you. Murphy's is actually a good bar, for being the "Irish bar entirely imported from China" variety. Draft Guinness eases the pain.

Guiness319 said...

Wait, forgive me if i'm late but I just read this:

"I want to make something clear," Moss said. "In my whole entire life of living 30 years, I've never put my hand on one woman, physically or in an angry manner."

Did he just go Amaechi?

John John The Bastard said...

@guiness: No he just likes to beat on his women in bulk.

DeezeNutz said...

KSK ripping Pats fans = funny
Commentors ripping Pats fans = Ironic Douchiness

You know who's fans are real assholes? Your team's fans are. Because everyone's fans are.

I believe both Bill Simmons and stupidity are responsible for morons accepting "Pats fans are douchier than anyone else" as fact. Thats because the only experience you have to go on Bill Simmons. And you are dumb enough to think that he is an appropriate sample size. Well fuck that asshole, and fuck anyone who equates that no talent hack with Pats fans.

Narts said...

FutureMrs - I agree on the blurry Marmalard pic...much funnier for reasons that I can't really put into words.

naptown drew said...

@leaking geek

With the new Hi Res Pic, his Military Grade Douchiness came through so much...clearer.

Now my nightmares are even more vivid.

MartinTheMerciless said...


Interesting fact: Sleeps 18 hours a day.

Community Cause: Performing at the (Y)Eastie Pride Day. She puts on her Versace wedding dress, joins hands with her girl, and marches to the wedding chapel.

Quote: "The eyes are the window to the soul." I wonder how many times she's been scored on with that line. Her I-Pod tune selection is the window to her life-style.

john said...

Before this day is over, I'm going to somehow manage to work "grist for the douche mill" into a conversation.

Comicbook Guy said...

I can't wait to see Rivers cry
(not kidding)

BeckEye said...

Ok. I can't read this blog at work anymore. I have to keep pretending that I'm one of those people who just bursts into laughter for no good reason. Better to admit that I'm slightly insane than that I'm spending all day surfing the net.

BaCsonkaDonk said...

Has anyone ever explained the actual origins of "Ya betta ask somebodddaaaayyyyyy"? Where did Xmas Ape come up with this magnificant distillation of doucheness?

I had always assumed it was a bastardization of the New Age Outlaws' catchphrase.

Guiness319 said...

"Commentors ripping Pats fans = Ironic Douchiness"

Stop projecting douche. Thank you.

Peter said...

isn't Massachusetts the only state in America with a black governor?

S.S.S. said...

yes but he has self-esteem issues