Tuesday, January 8, 2008

Soul for Sale: 2 BD, 1 BTH Nice Nabe

AFC 2nd Seed -- Indianapolis Colts (13-3)

[Hell, Michigan]

Dallas Fucking Clark: Y'know, I like winning as much as the next guy, but I'm pretty sure this idea is for shit.

Peyton Manning: Nobody's paying you to think, asshole. If this can work for New England, we can make it work for us.

MarHar: I know one thing: it wasn't my ass what drug us down here. Ya'll into that aloe drink? Pick it up at the Chinese grocer. Tasty as shit. Could go for some a' that right now. Hot as dogcrotch down here.

Booming Voice: SILENCE!

Satan: Who dares encroach upon my kingdom of th--

Adam Vinatieri: Hey Satan.

Satan: Oh, hey Adam.

Satan: ...my kingdom of the damned?

Peyton: We learned of the deal that you've entered into with the Patriots. I think you'll find our counteroffer enticing.

Satan: Yeah, it was your basic team of souls for a perfect season arrangement. I'll tell you right now: Matching that offer isn't getting you anywhere. The Pats have good credit here, you know. You don't know how many Southies I'm gonna get just by having Wes Welker on my side. I'm guessing all of them.

Peyton: Okay, but just wrap your mind around this...



Jim Nantz: And with the tackle by Bob Sanders, that will take us to the two-minute warning. The Colts, up 34-17 on the Chargers, minutes away from an epic showdown in Foxboro. Back after this.

Peyton: Hey, Peyton Manning here to talk to you about a great limited-time offer from the Prince of Darkness.

Up to your asshole in debt? Finding payday advance loans and armed robbery to be too much of a hassle? Maybe just want some arbitrary bullshit?

Ever thought of selling your soul to the Devil?

Whoawhoawhoa. Hear me out. And you'll discover why there's never been a better time to sell than now.

Don't be duped into selling your everlasting essence to one of those big corporations or, even worse, some Portuguese guy who promises you a bigger dick. Go with the fictive religious entity with a couple thousand year track record of eternal bargains. We're offering low introductory rates.

What are you using it for anyway? Why not make that soul work for you?

[cut to family trying to pack their car to go on a vacation]

Mom: The car's full. We can't fit anymore.

Dad: If only we didn't have these damn souls weighing us down!

Peyton Manning: That's right. They'll even take Hindus, Sikhs or B'ahai and shit. Whatever it is dark-skinned worship. It's all good. Believe it or not, but your souls are worth only marginally less than a real person's.

Tony Dungy: But don't none a' ya'll faggots try to peddle your swishy souls 'round here.

Peyton: He's just kidding. They took mine, after all.


Raskolnikov said...

Satan would never take Pey-Pey's offer. He's going to be the only winner by betting that the Patriots lose the Super Bowl to the Giants.

ben said...

Fuck Ron Paul.

miamidiesel said...

"Peyton Manning: That's right. They'll even take Hindus, Sikhs or B'ahai and shit. Whatever it is dark-skinned worship. It's all good. Believe it or not, but your souls are worth only marginally less than a real person's."

Jeez Ape, between this and the Hines Ward post, I'm detecting a lot of animosity from you against Asian peoples. Perhaps me, you, and devang should get together and hug it out.

Also, I'd expect the commercial to be in the form of another of Peyton's Priceless Pep Talks. Something along the lines of "Sick of driving your piece of shit car to your shitty job to get bitchslapped around all day by your asshole boss? Wish you had a rock-hard physique and a 10-inch dick so you could fuck a woman properly? Tired of seeing hot chicks gallavanting around with douche bags? Want to do something yourself? Well you can't. So sell your soul to the devil."

Russell K said...

What's the matter Robert? Nobody's been paying any attention to you lately? That's too bad, why not just insult a popular sports blog, that'll get you some angry replies that you can jerk off to.

Moof! said...

I just smoked a blunt and now I am incapable of ceasing coughing. My neighbors knocked on my door to see if I was dying. Fuck. fdasklj

J.L. White said...

Hey, there's still a week and a half before the hypothetical Pats/Colts showdown. That leaves plenty of time for Tom Brady to persuade enough straight men to have gay sex with him, thus getting back into Satan's good graces.

Not saying people can choose to be gay (Tony Dungy says that), but we all know a few guys who have "just enough gay" in them to be tempted....

swing4 said...

Kudos, Ape.

mike said...

Adam Vinatieri: Hey Satan.

Satan: Oh, hey Adam.

your killing me

quiet strength said...

Hillary Clinton says, "Oooh, great idea! Where do I sign!?!"

Satan says, "Eww...no thanks..."

smeos said...

Why is Ron Paul the Devil? He's more like a creepy demon than the Prince of Darkness.

Les Savy Ferd said...

because mitt romney or hil are way too obvious. the only guy i think would have worked marginally as well is edwards. guy's a slimeball.

smeos said...

But he's a rich guy. Who looks out for the little guy! As long as they have some sort of debilitating injury he can sue over.

SDW said...

Ape is on FIRE. And by that, I do not mean that he is flaming gay. Although that also might be true.

The Satan/Adam exchange is one for the history books.

futuremrsrickankiel said...

Camera cuts to shot of the Patriots frolicking with their souls on the banks of the river Phlegethon, then hopping into little boats to row across 2 by 2... except for Randy Moss, who stands dejectedly on the shore as Belichick leans back languidly in his boat to watch Randy's soul do the rowing for him.

ColeTrain said...

John McCain is an admitted war criminal - with a war crime monument to prove it. Ron Paul is an OB-GYN running on a peace platform and you make HIM Satan?

It's worse than stupid, it's not even funny...

Christmas Ape said...

I picked Ron Paul because it was random. No further political commentary intended. His supporters are zealous tards, though.

@miamidiesel: the views of fictional Peyton do not reflect those of the author.

smurphette said...

I was anxious to see what you would come up with for my beloved Colts, and you did not disappoint. The Vinatieri bit is priceless. "Dallas Fucking Clark" - did you have him on your fantasy team or something? Why so angsty?

Christmas Ape said...

The Dallas "Fucking" Clark moniker has been around for a little while.

Lyman said...

Some nutjob on a Colts forum I post at linked to a picture of a Ron Paul Army on World of Warcraft army with elves and dragons and shit talking about the "Ron Paul revolution."

Satan, indeed.

quiet strength said...

@futuremrs - No boat for Rodney Harrison. According to Dante, he's a swimmer.

futuremrsrickankiel said...

Well, I put the Patriots in Phlegethon for having committed violence against mankind by virtue of running up the score... where are you saying Harrison belongs? Styx? I think that's actually a couple circles out from where I put the Pats...

fuck me. 4 years of college and all I got out of it was the ability to make pretentious football jokes and Simpsons references.

quiet strength said...

Oooh, being asked for punishment for the Patriots, Dante style? Certainly. And I'm relying entirely on Wikipedia for this.

I threw Harrison in the Phlegethon for being a cheap shot artist his entire career. The rest of the team can go in the Ninth Circle - like the Eighth, only with more creativity. Zone 3 sounds appropriate. Also worth mentioning is the Eighth Circle, Bolgia 2, where flatterers will be "steeped in human excrement." Peter King has his fingers crossed for a Farve/Romo blend.

Comicbook Guy said...

Dear futuremrsrickankiel
Marry me

Les Savy Ferd said...

Ron Paul is an OB-GYN running on a peace platform and you make HIM Satan?

for me, that makes it all the more funny.

naptown drew said...


Jon said...

"Satan: Who dares encroach upon my kingdom of th--

Adam Vinatieri: Hey Satan.

Satan: Oh, hey Adam."

We'll relive that one for years on KSK Instant Classic. Home Run.