Monday, January 14, 2008

Marmalard's Moment of Douche

[End of 3rd quarter in RCA Dome]

Greg Gumbel: Now we take a moment to acknowledge the winners of the 2007 NFL Punt, Pass and Kick Program. Each year, more than 4 million take part in the competition, making it one of the largest youth sports programs in the world.

From the 8-9-year-old division, Laleilei Ma'falaa, from Oahu, Hawaii, representing the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.

[Faint clapping]

From the 10-11-year-old division, Andrew Beck, from King of Prussia, Pennsylvania, representing the Baltimore Ravens.

[Faint clapping]

From the 12-13-year-old division, Rebecca Plaster, from Newton, Massachusetts, representing the New England Patriots.


Colts fans: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
DIE YOU STUPID FUCKING KIDLET DIE DIE DIE AND BLEED OUT YOUR RANK FUCKING PATRIOT BLOOD BEFORE YOU GROW UP AND LAUGH YOUR BELLY LAUGH AT US. LIL' RONNIE WILL RAPE YOU DEAD! DEAD AND GONE!

[Beginning 4th quarter]

Dan Dierdorf: I'm telling you: Philip Rivers is a BIG TIME QUARTERBACK. This young man, who has been given ample time to learn this offense since being drafted in 2004, has now become an unflappable presence in the pocket.

Oh my!

If I were to tell you that Philip Rivers were somehow to have sired me, to have been my father, there would be no greater joy in my life. And I say now without qualm that I would have shown him the fealty only possible by an obedient son and would have brought him the morning paper without complaint every single day without slobber marks on the front page or on Get Fuzzy. He could beat me when I was insolent and I'd be all the better for it.

Look. At. That.

Darren. Sproles. Taking that throw from Rivers and giving it the result that only a Philip Rivers pass deserves. Way to go, Phil. YOU. ARE. A. STUD.

It looks like Philip Rivers, solely through the force of his own awesomeness, has injured himself on that play. I feel as though I should go provide succor to his wounds. Looks like Rivers is having a few words with the Indianapolis crowd as he's being helped off. I'm telling you, Indianapolis: I don't think under any circumstance can you intimidate Philip Rivers. Not even if you ask him in a darkened hotel room if he knows the pleasure of a hefty former lineman doing a 3-point stance on his manhood.

[Stadium concourse]

NFL rep: You kids have a lot to be proud about. We painstakingly winnowed down the field and you showed through grit and determination that you were the best at each of your age groups. There isn't a person alive that can take that away from you.

[Door flies open]

Rivers: Ya betta ask somebodddaaaaaaaaayyyyyy!

The fuck is this shit? I've already thrown for three buttfucking touchdowns and you're slobbering over a bunch of snotnosed, afterbirth moisted droplings? A bunch of pre-pubescent globs of hardened amniotic fluid? Oh, punt and pass AND kick, can you, you anklebiting little shits? I wanna know if you can LIE, CHEAT and STEAL, you lil' savage nugs. Maybe then, and only then, you can help me beat the Pats next week.

Nice dog and pony show you've got going here. Way to take valuable time away from the big boy playoff football game to honor all the future dykes and the one of you who looks like a Hispanic Winnie Cooper.

Hey, let's see this trophy you got here. Wow. It's a honey-glazed football on a wood stand. Ain't that a beaut. Ya'll got this from punting?

Kid: Uh-huh.

Rivers: That's gay. What about passing?

Kid: Yeah.

Rivers: How about KICKING?!

[Rivers attempts to drop kick trophy]

Rivers: OWWWW! MOTHER OF FUCK! What the shit are these things made out of, adamantium? There's no way I can come back now.

Kid: You know what? While you're back here ridiculing us, the Chargers, the team you're supposed to be leading, is raging against insurmountable odds, against a squad of referees bent on handing this game to the Colts. They're fighting for their very lives. And here you are, nursing an injury you incurred from poor passing mechanics, taunting a group of kids guilty of nothing but striving for a dream. Is that who you are? Is that the most you can make of yourself?

[Rivers slugs kid in the face. Wipes fist off on white towel. Throws towel callously on kid's downed body]

Rivers: Yeah, whatever. Clean your ass up. I've got a game to win.

[Jogs back to the field]

Norv Turner: mmmmuuueeeyyGlad you could make it back. We're in okay shape and I can't have that. Now, I'm gonna try to undermine what we've got going here. I'd say sabotage, but that implies that I have some idea what's going on. Okay, here we go. Quick and dirty-like. Let's try to run a fade route to Jackson on this next play, but instead you're gonna shortarm it to Bob Sanders in the flat.

Rivers: I've got a better idea: Let's try to do a fuck you route to the bench, crater face. I think I can see traces where water used to exist on your mug. Maybe civilization used to exist there. Maybe Ray Bradbury wrote a book about it. Future colonization of human life depends on whether there can be Earth-like conditions on your craggy countenance.

[Laughs in his face]

If LT gets to rest his dead ass on the bench then so do I.

Tomlinson: bikebikebikebikebikebikebikebikebikebikebikebikebikebikebike

Rivers: LaDainian, you cheap slut! Thought you could duck me, did you? Can you duck a QB rating of over 120? You know what? I DON'T NEED YOU! FUCK YOU AND YOUR FLATSCREEN TVS! I DON'T CARE HOW CHEAP THEY ARE AT COSTCO! I'M TIRED OF GOING THERE AND GETTING CARDED! OF COURSE I'M A FUCKING MEMBER! YOU DON'T THINK AN NFL QB CAN AFFORD A $50 ANNUAL MEMBERSHIP FEE? FUCK YOU!

I can handle this situation on my own. That's it. Time to pull out the sideline eyes. You and me, Colts. Staredown city. You ready for the laserface? Here comes the laserface! No time to back down. Aaaaaaaaaaaand GO!

Dierdorf: This here is really something. Would you look at the courageous decision being made by Philip Rivers? To see such phenomenal team leadership at that age is astounding. The Colts are absolutely wilting under the stony gaze of this young man. I know I would.

Billy Volek: [engineers winning drive]


Rivers: [To crowd] YEAH! I TOLD HIM TO DO THAT SHIT! FEEL THE VOLEKTRICITY! I WILLED IT INTO BEING WITH MY FUCKING MIND! ANY WEE WEE NEWJACK SLUT CAN WIN GAMES WITH THEIR ARM! MATCH THAT! I'M THE CEREBRAL MOTHERFUCKING ASSASSIN! BRING ON NEW ENGLAND! I'LL USE MY TELEKINESIS TO WET THEY ASS! I'LL WET IT AND WIPE IT DOWN AND MAKE IT SHINE! CAUSE I'M HOTHOTHOTHOTHOT!

35 comments:

Wooderson said...

I think this may be the best one yet. Billy Volek needs some lines at some point.

Also, who the fuck boos a kid for winning something? You could easily hear it on the TV, there must've been over 5,000 people booing. and that's why You're Indianapolis, the armpit of the armpit of America.

Crazy Little Thing said...

Epic shit. This goes well with breakfast.

Scott said...

but Indianapolis is Good and New England is Evil! they're supposed to boo evil!

fucking little snotnosed bandwagon douchenozzle kid.

btw, i am heartily looking forward to tommy from quincy meeting phillip rivers. they'll probably end up getting along like gangbusters.

H Cuz said...

@ scott: Some small part of me was hoping for a Cowboys-Chargers Super Bowl so we could have Marmalard bust in on W&J.

That said, I hate the Cowboys and am still glad they lost.

Francois Leroux Speedskater said...

Philip Rivers v. Rodney Harrison: Whoever wins, we lose.

smeos said...

I'm glad someone had the stones to make fun of those ugly, ugly children that violated my television yesterday.

Really, who gives a fuck about punting?

Bickett said...

Ah, but what you TV viewers failed to see was the smattering of fucking Patriots fans in full regalia INSIDE the fucking RCA Dome. Who are you people? "I'm so loyal to the Dedham Pate-riots that I must live in Elwood, IN and scout our next opponent without a hint of annonimity." Guh. I'm ready for the Fukudome era to begin...

naptown drew said...

Fuck you Wooderson.

Fuck you Marmalard.

Fuck you Billy Volek.

Fuck you Michael Turner.

My only friend now is named Johnnie Walker and we'll be hanging out exclusively morning, noon, and night until next September.

/still bitter

naptown drew said...

Bu the way, Wooderson, take your faggy bands, forks, and high school reading material and shove them up your ass. Or armpit... whichever you choose.

Smello said...

The look on that poor girl's face was priceless. Very classy of those Indy fans. It too am drinking the Patriots haterade, but give the kid a break. She's from NH. That's the only recognition my homeland is getting until the next primary.

I want to see Tomlinson & Rivers come to blows next week. I think it could happen.

grungedave said...

Oh, son of a bitch, after reading the last line, now I can't get the Chris Tucker/Fifth Element voice out of my head. Thanks.

Rivers remains a ginormous douche.

Wooderson said...

All things aside Drew, booing a 12 year old girl loudly on national TV tends to bring a bit of karmic backlash.

And before anyone says it, yes, I assure you that had it been a 12 year old colts fan getting the award in Foxboro, there would not be boos so much as heavy objects being tossed in her general direction. Because the boys form Quin-zee are nothing if not classy. (Obviously I don't endorse such behavior, unless the target is Shawne Merriman)

Real Men Eat Haggis said...

I'm convinced they amplified the booing, too...they have to do it when they're on defense - there's no way you can make that much noise with one thumb in your mouth and the other up your ass

Grimey said...

If Colts-Pats is the battle of good and evil, does that make Chargers-Pats kind of like Alien vs. Predator?

Steven said...

somebody needs to put "Feel the Volektricity" on a T-shirt immediately. that is the quote of the year.

Russell K said...

I'm pretty pissed today, because the Cowboys lost in their best shot at making the super bowl since the last time they actually made the damn super bowl, (and Jason Garrett can go fuck himself, by the way) and the Patriots are going 19 - 0. But this was pretty goddamn funny. Marmalard posts are starting to overtake Wade and Jerry as the best series of posts on the site.

Brave Sir Robin said...

Ape, I don't know what the fuck Santa got you for Christmas, but your posts have been the fucking shit since then.

Otto Man said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Otto Man said...

We had some friends over for the games yesterday and this one guy couldn't understand why I hated Rivers.

As luck had it, he started sticking up for Rivers right before he got injured. He was literally mid-defense as Marmalard was leaving the field, talking shit to the crowd. When he saw it, he just stopped dead cold. "Yeah, I see your point."

dickey simpkins said...

The best thing that can come out of this is Favre makes the Superbowl and retires after losing by 30.

smurphette said...

@grimey: +1

@ape: twisting the knife, indeed. but I don't really mind, since this is absolutely hilarious. you are on one hell of a roll, mister.

Jelly B. Good said...

Chargers-Pats like Alien vs. Predator... nice one grimey. So does that mean Marmalad is going to try to climb up Belichick's ass and come flying out his pisshole?

Otto Man said...

Let me join those applauding the New and Improved Christmas Ape. They always said getting clean and sober would do wonders for you, but now we know. Nope, no more alcohol and sedatives in your life!

You'll know you've made it when Clint returns to complain that Drew sucks and needs to live up to Apian standards.

Christmas Ape said...

I credit all the butt hash.

The Pirate Sloth said...

Um... ew? Ape? ew.

BeckEye said...

Good Lord, this is hilarious. I hate that smarmy little douchebag. I have no idea how I found your site, but I'm bookmarking it.

john said...

Can't wait for "Marmalard Meets the Massholes". That should be a fackin' epic wicked pissah.

Mamula Blues said...

http://youtube.com/watch?v=LsSpYLU7Ig0

Douchetastic

Chris said...

@ ape
Holy hallucinating shit, a jenkem reference.

wrecking_ball said...

Marmalard posts are my new favorite things. W&J might have jumped the shark...

/blasphemy

PartMule said...

fuckin' beautiful.

John said...

Bra-freaking-vo, Ape. Bra-freaking-vo!

Mike said...

I might be only one but "bikebikebikebikebike" had me bust out.

dUbsackhustla said...

I fucking love you guys. I liked the Table of Douche better, but this shit is classic like Chopin.

Mike said...

"I've got a better idea: Let's try to do a fuck you route to the bench, crater face."

Genius