Friday, January 18, 2008

Always Bet On the Snow Cock

Welcome to another Championship edition of Always Be Covering. After last year's spectacularly perfect wrongness the key word this week is redemption. I was 7-1 picking games in the playoffs up until this point a year ago when I took the points in both games. Of course my memories of the weekend are a bit blunted, but I bet it was like getting punched in the balls from the inside.

Well no more of that shit. This time I'm guaranteeing a Sunday sweep, or my name isn't [REDACTED]. Seriously, you can totally hold me to it. If I lose feel free to call me at 202-555-FAKE for a full refund on your wager.

On to the picks!

Teasing the Snow Cock Into An Ironclad Winner
Risking 50 to win 45.

Posing for pictures in Peter King's yard is an annual tradition in Montclair.

Green Bay -1.5 vs. New York
Green Bay and New York OVER 34.5


The only thing that gets Brett's cock harder than playing ball in single degree weather is a cocktail of Cialis and Vicodin followed up with a Mississippi Bear Claw. In contrast, the weather will be just cold enough to cause Elisha's testicles to retreat back into his abdomen.

There Will Be Douche
Risking 50 to win 45.

You can't let those fans out-douche me, I'm motherfucking the Marmalard!

New England -14 vs. San Diego


Marmalard and the biggest fairweather Massholes in New England in the same building? If you're watching in HD you should be able to see a miasma of toxic douchery hovering over Gillette Stadium. It will start small with an early Chargers touchdown (no thanks to Pip) but we all know how it will end. The Pats are going to win going away, so you may as well make some money while you're drinking yourself into a coma. With any luck you'll wake up after the bye week. If they win without covering you might as well forget about the other side of darkness.

May your Sunday be profitable and crapulous. Go forth and wager, my children.

19 comments:

clueheywood said...

The snow balls kind of dwarf the snow cock. That hits close to home.

The Pack will cover.

Clutch Is Everything said...

"Marmalard and the biggest fairweather Massholes in New England in the same building? If you're watching in HD you should be able to see a miasma of toxic douchery hovering over Gillette Stadium."

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Otto Man said...

Whoever served as the model for that snow sculpture needs to seek medical attention pronto.

larry b said...

How did Brian Urlacher's cocknballs end up in someone's backyard?

Carlos said...

dude, your name's redacted too? awesome! we can be twins!

Cousins of Ron Mexico said...

Desert cock is much more rare.

Leaking Geek said...

The two chicks are standing next to a 6 Foot Cock, yet their nipples are covered over.

That, boys and girls, is called irony.

milesdavis said...

Where are you getting that line?

Bodog has the line at -7.5 for the Packers.

quiet strength said...

*Token*

dick_gozinia said...

@ larry b - Urlacher's cock n balls have ended up in a lot of people's back yards. >>in andrew dice clay voice<< Ohhh!

Also, I googled snowcock (why? because otherwise I'd be working...) and its a bird. I had no idea. Now I'm a little smarter for having read KSK today, and I have a new favorite bird.

Chamomiles Davis said...

@milesdavis: I thought that was a typo, unless the Maj is setting his own spreads.

john said...

"...miasma of toxic douchery..."

Outstanding. Simply outstanding.

Real Men Eat Haggis said...

He's teasing the line down to -1.5 and the Over/Under down to 34.5

Kevin said...

I'm putting the over/under of the age of those girls at 14. Hooray for child porn!

milesdavis said...

thanks RMEH, i should have been able to tell that from the whole 'teasing the snowcock' bit.

Unsilent Majority said...

Love the tease. Live the tease.

Unsilent Majority said...

15 comments and none relating to the Mississippi Bear Claw?

for shame.

The Battleship said...

Just to ease my mind, all models, actors, actresses or other persons that appear in any visual depiction of actual or simulated sexually explicit conduct appearing or otherwise contained in this Website were over the age of eighteen years at the time of the creation of such depictions, right? I'd hate to have to shred another hard drive...

Unsilent Majority said...

fuck if i know, it was on flickr or some shit.

oh, i mean yeah, they're like 50.