Thursday, January 3, 2008

This Bye Week is Just What the Team Needed

Wade: Ahhhh, nothing quite as relaxing as a hard-earned bye. The players got a nice, light workout today, and I've got the assistants studying game film for any of the three teams we could face a week from Sunday. I think it's time I got to work on my New Year's resolution.

(gets on treadmill in office)

(begins jogging)

Phew! This is harder than I remember! Just gotta get in the groove... C'mon, Wade!

(door flies open)

Jerry: YEEEEEEEEEEEHAWWWWW!!! I thought I smelled pan drippings in here!

Wade: Oh... (panting) ... No.

Jerry
: Get off that treadmill, Rosa Porks! Look at you. Your t-shirt's soaked with gravy!

Wade: Sir, that's my sweat. I'm trying to get healthier in the new year.

Jerry: The hell you are! You'll get a fucking heart attack when I TELL you to have a heart attack! Don't even think about freelancing on me!

Listen up, you disgusting food blister. You got more important things to be doing than marinating in your own juices.

Wade
: Oh, no. What do I have to do now?

Jerry
: That goddam Simpson whore tried to sink our season! I want YOU to make sure my boy ROMO doesn't invite her back to the stadium when we kill those Seattle faggots!

Wade: Sir, it's pretty unlikely we'll face the Seahawks.

Jerry: Who said anything about football, turdcurd? I'm inviting Schultz and Bezos for some golf this weekend, then Johnson's gonna blast their heads off when I give 'em a tour of the locker room! HOO WEE! Can you believe that?!? I'M CRAZY!!!

Wade: You hired Tank Johnson to murder two billionaires?

Jerry
: HIRED? We already have that felon under contract, you goddam Hefty bag of Chunky soup! It's YOUR job to convince him when to do it!

Wade: And you don't want Jessica Simpson here with Romo when our defensive tackle is killing your enemies?

Jerry: I don't want her here EVER, Fatsy Cline! I want them broken up by the end of the week or I'm canceling your Christmas bonus! Say goodbye to your bag of jalapeno poppers!

Wade: Sir, how am I supposed to break up our quarterback and his girlfriend?

Jerry: Easy. Check out this cherry piece of ass!


Wade: Mr. Jones, that's my daughter.

Jerry
: You bet your motherlard of a keister it is! That's why it's so perfect! You can set 'em up tomorrow!

Wade: Sir, I don't know if--

Jerry: Look at that little piece of Texas tail! She's got her momma's legs and her daddy's titties!

Wade: Sir!

Jerry: Now, ROMO likes 'em famous, so play up her new movie and tell him she's gonna win a damn Oscar. And tell her to play it fast and loose. I ain't gonna lose a Super Bowl because that slut didn't give him the full casting couch treatment.

Wade
: What--?

Jerry: Don't act surprised, Peter Porker! Your daughter's been auditioning in LA for over a year! She's seen more wieners and batter than a Mayer-Butterworth wedding!

Wade
: ...

Jerry
: HOO HOO! I can't wait for my boy ROMO to dump a load of Arlington man chowder on her head! I want a full report on whether she can sit down the next day! And pencil me in for next Wednesday. Double-J needs his ashes hauled!

Wade: I hate this job.

Jerry: Wahoo! I'm gonna win it all this year thanks to that tramp's tangy little juicebox! You're my best hire ever, Billups!

Wade: Phillips.

Jerry: YAAAAHOOOO! ¡ARRIBA ARRIBA! ¡ÁNDALE! I AM FUCKING CRAZYYY!!!

31 comments:

devang said...

Look at that little piece of Texas tail! She's got her momma's legs and her daddy's titties!

I just choked on my bagel with that line.

CC didn't miss a beat!

Richard said...

I hate to be "that guy", but with this one it's too easy. It's spelled M-E-Y-E-R.

Chris said...

...she's seen more wieners and batter than a Mayer-Butterworth wedding?

...dump a load of Arlington man chowder on her head?

Out-fucking-Standing C.C.

Best pinch hitting job since Kirk Gibson.

Captain Caveman said...

I hate to be "that guy", but with this one it's too easy. It's spelled M-E-Y-E-R.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Oscar_Mayer

Choke yourself.

From the other side of town said...

CC, didn't think you'd get it over the fence, and you blast one out of the park.

Richard said...

I've been singing that piece of shit song wrong all these years.

Upstate Underdog said...

out-fucking-standing, bonus points for the pic of Tracy Phillips

throwbot said...

it's a fucking mystery to me that she sprung from the loins of good ol' Wade.

the great bambi said...

you know she's not wade's daughter, while he was workin 18 hour days studying film and scarfing donuts ol' mrs. phillips was turning tricks around the neighborhood

Chris(BessMervinGirlDetective) said...

Is Gill related to Wade by any chance? I swear they could be brothers.

Gill - "I need this sale, my wifes gonna leave me"
Car Salesman - "I'll take it from here Gill"
Gill picks up phone - "You should have seen me honey, I was so close to making a sale. Hey, who is that in the background? Awwww, is that Tom? I thought you were gonna leave him. No, no... dont put him on. Oh, hi Tom!

The Last Unitard said...

I like to imagine Wade and Jerry as a sit com. Every time I read a new installment I hear the theme song in my head.

Jim U. said...

Tracy Phillips Picture >> Creepy Ginger Jason Garrett Picture

Awful Chief said...

Don't quit your day job...whatever that is.

miamidiesel said...

Rosa Porks, Peter Porker, and motherlard of a keister, along with "I want a full report on whether she can sit down the next day!" are going to have me chuckling all day. A+ CC. Where's that douche who claimed you save your best stuff for With Leather now?

futuremrsrickankiel said...

Reading this made me strangely hungry. Maybe it's all that talk about hot dogs and chowder?

oh wait

oh god

what have I said

Otto Man said...

I like to imagine Wade and Jerry as a sit com.

My attorneys would like to inform you that they perceive my comment in another thread below, about an idea for a 1990s Cowboys sitcom, as a legally-binding claim giving me blanket rights to any and all sitcoms stemming from the Dallas Cowboys organization, owner, management and/or players.

And this includes "Jerry and the Fatman."

Chris(BessMervinGirlDetective) said...

Otto Man - I suggest you use the theme music to the Benny Hill Show.

I can see it now, Poor ole' Wade being chased around the office by Jerry.

smurphette said...

"Get off that treadmill, Rosa Porks! Look at you. Your t-shirt's soaked with gravy!"

Ufford, seriously, wow. My jaw dropped when I saw it was you and not Drew.

Mike said...

I second what Miamidiesel said, plus the line about Arlington Man Chowder.

That was pretty fucking awesome.

H Cuz said...

The most amazing thing about W&J is that we're into the postseason and you still keep coming up with new fat jokes every week.

quiet strength said...

I'm going to miss Jason Garrett's visits in Wade and Jerry if he ends up taking a head coaching job elsewhere...

Dubya said...

"Jerry: HOO HOO! I can't wait for my boy ROMO to dump a load of Arlington man chowder on her head! I want a full report on whether she can sit down the next day! And pencil me in for next Wednesday. Double-J needs his ashes hauled!"

Wow. Just wow. I am in awe.

Pvt.Gump said...

What a great J.J. Impression! Damn outstanding, almost sharted reading the Jerry lines I was laughing so hard!

Signal to Noise said...

Nice pinch hitting, CC.

John S. said...

I am still amazed that that is actually his daughter.

Otto Man said...

Otto Man - I suggest you use the theme music to the Benny Hill Show.

"Yakety Sax"? Only if I can get the actor playing Wade into a bikini or a nurse's outfit.

Jay said...

Good lord -

"Look at that little piece of Texas tail! She's got her momma's legs and her daddy's titties!"

Poetry my man. I'm going to miss the off season without Jerry and Wade.

Mike said...

Fantastic work, CC. Some outstanding lines in there.

Steven said...

The Jerry and Wade show needs to happen pronto. Or at least a collection of these classic stories. I could read these all day long. These are the funniest thing I've read.

Tom said...

I just about fell out of my chair laughing. Too many good lines to list. Keep up the good work

Jay said...

Wait a second, did I write that? Am I that Jay? Why the fuck don't I remember writing that? It sounds like me, but now I'm scared there might be a second me somewhere.