Wednesday, January 16, 2008

The Source of All Douche

[Joe's Diner]

Matt: Evah notice ha' cawnfurunce title games ah often bettah than the Sooper Bowl? Is it because a' the familiarity within tha cawnfurunces? 'Cass the cowmpetition knows each other sah well? Maybe 'cass there's nat two weeks to lose ya mind abaat the game?


Joe Montana: Eh. I don't know about that. In '88, we blew out the Bears in the NFC Title Game then had to come from behind to edge the Bengals in Super Bowl XXIII. In '81, the conference title game was classic and the Super Bowl was tight. In '84 and '89, we won by blowouts in the conference championships, then won by blowouts two weeks later.

Matt: Ha abaat ya just say samthing ta sapport mah fackin aggyament, 'stead a' making me look like a jerk, Haaaannuh Maaantanah? Lemme tell ya 'nother thing: Auld Billie Walsh a' been damn ashamed a' these eggs flaaarentine ya made today. Taste like ya fried up a lil' baby Brady meconium and cooked it with ya mah's discaaarded yeast. Least ya coulda done was addad sahm fresh spinach.

Montana: Real cute. You are free to leave whenever, you know? Been hanging around here, what? Like three, four solid months now? Don't you have a job or something? A girlfriend? A car getting towed?

Matt: Far as you're concerned, Maaantanah, my jab is tah hang around this fine estaaablishment and dispense my wry observations on tha game. Ya jab is ta sling that hash and keep tha Irish caaaffees comin'. Says right there on tha windaa "We never close." Kinda showt yaself in tha dick with that one, huh? Who's gonna make me go, Ronnie Lott? I dan't see tha four-fingahed daaarkie hereuh, do ya?

[Door flies open]

Philip Rivers: Ya betta ask somebodddaaaaaayyyyyyyy

AH HELP EVERYBODY'S FREAKING OUT THERE'S A LITE BRITE BOMB IN BOSTON!

Ahahaha. Fuck this lame-ass city.

Nice little coffee klatsch we got going on here, chatty Cathys. It's like the white people equivalent of a barbershop, without the ethnic yukyuks and the low-grade despair. So, what's going on? Gabbing about the current events of the day? Airing your dim insights confidently about things way beyond your ken? That's cool. My masturbation technique usually involves yelling at my dick after playoff victories, but to each their own and all that.

[Slaps Matt on back, laughs in his face]

Might be mistaken, but I reckon I heard you spouting a little racism as I was coming in.

Heh. [shakes head] Yankees.

I'M FROM COUSINFUCKING ALABAMA! WE INVENTED THAT SHIT! WE COULD HANG YOUR MEALY-MOUTHED BEHIND-CLOSED-DOORS RACISM FROM A COLD SASSY TREE AND GIVE IT A NEW LAST NAME! WE COULD BURN CROSSES ON YOUR RACISM'S FRONT LAWN! WE COULD MAKE YOUR RACISM SO INSECURE THAT IT WOULD ONLY BE ATTRACTED TO OUR RACISM'S WOMEN AND THEN WE'D KILL YOUR RACISM FOR ACTING ON THAT BRAINWASHING, YOU DUMB FUCKING POTATO-HUMPING MICK!

Matt: Hey, you're-er-ah that Philip Rivahs, ain't ya? Ya gawt abaat a queer's chance in Quincy this weekend against the Pahfect Paytree-uts, shitbawx.

[Rivers smacks Matt across the face with a metal coffee pot then pours the remaining boiling liquid on his collapsed body with laughing maniacally. He lofts in the pot toward the wall. It floats for 30 seconds and falls at his feet.]

Rivers: It's you I came for, Montana. You're the original Brady. You, and you alone, hold the keys to helping me beat him.

Montana: I don't know what you're talking about. He's just another in a line of generation defining quarterbacks. Sure, we've both seen our share of success, but he's his own man. I don't really even know the guy.

Rivers: Oh. Well. Teehee. Guess I'll be screwing off, then, huh? Joe? Huh? FUCK YOU

TELL ME HOW I CAN SUCCEED WHERE SO MANY OTHERS HAVE FAILED! LET YOUR MIND AND MINE BE AS ONE

Montana: All right. It's like this: You remember all Joe Cool stuff I was heaped with back in the day? Do you know why that is?

Rivers: 'Cause you was calmer than a roofied-up girl after an ACC game?

Montana: No. Nonono. I was a dithering disaster. Always a bundle of nerves before every game. Beset with insecurity. But it was the '80s, so it was socially acceptable in certain circles to wear Garfield and Snoopy shirts. Man, I rode that scene hard. I loved that beagle and I embraced his alter ego, Joe Cool, until it became my own. Almost ate me up in the end. But I drew strength from that Joe Cool shirt.

It's still seared into my memory to this day. I mean, he had sunglasses on! And a shirt with his name on the front! He was changing the way we thought about a rakish indifference to the opinions of others. Perched on his left leg and leaning to the right; the laws of physics say he should topple over, but he was held upright by the sheer force of his own coolness.

Rivers: WHAT IN THE NAME OF JUMBLY FUCK? You've lost it, old-timer. You've gone the way of Namath: punchdrunk, fucked in the head and tickled in the balls by dotage and unfortunate endorsements. Snoopy couldn't sell me Met-Life, how is he supposed to help me win a game?

Montana: That's just the thing. Every great quarterback has that certain something, seemingly juvenile, that serves as a calming influence. For Starr, it was the Buck Rogers watch. For Staubach, it was his chalice of children's blood. For Bradshaw, it was the coloring book he never finished reading. Brady has something. I'm sure of it. Finding that is the key to unraveling him.

[stares down over counter]

You're a fucking Olympic-sized swimming pool of douchejuice, Rivers, doomed to being a footnote in hissy fit history. But I've had to deal with this Masshole since he showed up as soon as the Red Sox season was over. And I can't have Brady joining me in the four title club. Sharing that shit with Bradshaw is bad enough. So you're all I got, Marmatard.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

[Patriots locker room, Sunday]

Brady: Guys! Guys! Where is it? Where's my buddy? Guys!

Rodney HGHarrison: Your buddy, who? The fuck you going on about, man? It's game time, baby! WWWOOOOOO! Best get your ass out to the tunnel before I hit you with the lateness.

Brady: But...but...?

...Where?

My Buddy...


[Brady stares panic-striken at his trembling hands]

Brady: Shit!

Shit! Shit! Shit!

I guess you'll have to do.

56 comments:

Big Daddy Drew said...

My buddy and meeeeeeeee

Pemulis said...

the real question is which qb has Kid Sister

J.E. said...

Holy shit. I've really got to start reading this site again...

John John The Bastard said...

[Rivers smacks Matt across the face with a metal coffee pot then pours the remaining boiling liquid on his collapsed body with laughing maniacally. He lofts in the pot toward the wall. It floats for 30 seconds and falls at his feet.]

Is that "Ordinary World" by Duran Duran I hear playing in the background?

Because if it is then + a lot

Upstate Underdog said...

that post was 2 for the price of 1. Goofing on retarded Pats fan and Rivers.

Nashville Steeler Fan said...

Best get your ass out to the tunnel before I hit you with the lateness

outstanding Mr. Ape

devang said...

Taste like ya fried up a lil' baby Brady meconium and cooked it with ya mah's discaaarded yeast

Oh good god, the haterade is flowing like the Charles River in spring.

Holyy sheeeiit Ape!!

futuremrsrickankiel said...

@ pemulis: Jeff Garcia.

Signal to Noise said...

@pemulis: Eli, of course.

Upstate Underdog said...

I have Jeff Garcia pegged as a My Little Pony guy

futuremrsrickankiel said...

Haha, or maybe it's Tony Romo:

http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d7/mrkennybuddha3/baby-loves-his-doll.jpg

(sorry, I'm not cool enough to know how to put hyperlinks in my comments)

Chris said...

When I scrolled down to where the 'tard pic showed up, I was as happy as a fat kid with a shitload of pie. Changed my day.

What the hell are we gonna do when the season ends?

BeckEye said...

Glorious.

tHeCoNmAn said...

YOUR RACISM SO INSECURE THAT IT WOULD ONLY BE ATTRACTED TO OUR RACISM'S WOMEN

...mother of god, what genius.

Steve said...

Somebody call the Pulitzer committee, this year's competition is over. Great post Ape.

Otto Man said...

Montana copied Joe Cool in another way throughout the '80s, when he strictly observed a no-pants policy.

Seriously. Watch the '81 championship game if you don't believe me.

Leaking Geek said...

I'll bet Billy Volek was warming up his Phillip Rivers' Voodoo Doll last Saturday.

My masturbation technique usually involves yelling at my dick after playoff victories, but to each their own and all that.

I laughed so hard I nearly lost consciousness...Just Brilliant Ape

Suss said...

What's gonna happen now is I'm going to find the copy of Cold Sassy Tree I had to read for high school freshman literature and UPS it to Ape's dwelling but plant a small bomb within the book as penance for reminding me about that stupid fucking book.

Spud Randall said...

I remember the time I set fire to a cross on someone's racism's front lawn...

klitzman said...

I thought Tammy Bradeee's special guy was Wes Welkaaaaaaaaah

Otto Man said...

Didn't the "My Buddy" song claim that "wherever he goes, I go"?

Does that mean they tag-teamed Gisele?

The Last Unitard said...

1. Mail Brady to Abu Dhabi
2. ?
3. Victory!

Francois Leroux Speedskater said...

@the last unitard: +1

If the Chargers win, will they be talking about this game all week on KDUM radio?

Guiness319 said...

Ape,

Just wanted to say a sincere thank you for dispatching that mass-turd Matt to the afterlife. I was a bit curious as to the NFL's networks marketing strategy on that one. Way to alienate everyone south and west of Connecticutt. Pats fans seem to forget were it not for Mo Lewis, they'd still be a comparable franchise to the Cardinals.

Sincerely,
The Other 44 United States


Great post.

Christmas Ape said...

I'm pretty sure channeling the Rivers character is making me into more of an asshole.

Matt said...

FYI, CBS Sportsline has a hi-res version of that picture of Rivers.

YA BETTA AXE SOMBODAAAAAY

miamidiesel said...

Rivers has overtaken the Sex Cannon as my favorite KSK character. I feel like Peter King in a Brett Favre store when I see the words "Ya betta ask somebodddaaaaaayyyyyyyy". And you worked in the ATF plot to "blow up" Boston. Just brilliant.

You're in an unprecedented zone Ape. Oddly enough, your hot streak appears to coincide with the maturation of Eli Manning into an actual football player.

Pemulis said...

Was I asleep? Had I been going to bed earlier, being Rivers, longer?

The Last Unitard said...

Maybe you should temper it with some Vermeil.

Grimey said...

I wonder why nobody has a Good Guy doll anymore. They were supposed to be our friends to the end. Hi-dey ho, ha ha ha.

smurphette said...

Seriously, wow. Absolutely brilliant. If you becoming more of an asshole means we get posts like this, I'm all for it.

rustytrombone said...

http://sportsline.com/columns/story/10580644

Christmas Ape said...

Really should've had Rivers kill Simmons. His latest column is a breakdown of who he loves more: the '86 Celtics or this year's Pats.

larry b said...

I dunno, I kinda like Nermal. He's way cooler than that shithead Odie.

futuremrsrickankiel said...

Ugh fuck me, I read that garbage column too. I love his "anti-jinx" note at the beginning, as though that somehow negates the 4+ pages of heavy jinxing that follows. It's like telling a girl you love her right before going Umenyiora on her: it's a nice gesture, but it doesn't make up for what comes after.

Christmas Ape said...

His worst jinx was his conspiracy theory column earlier this season about the Dolphins trading Chambers to the Chargers for no other reason than to thwart the Pats perfect season.

quiet strength said...

Who ya got? Bigger douchebag; Rivers or Simmons?

John said...

Marmalard v. the Massholes: I think we've just hit the perfect storm of douchiness right there.

(Prays to Buddha, Random Hindu God, Football Gods) - please let the Chargers shock the world just so the Marmalard posts can continue.

The Last Unitard said...

Does not compute.

futuremrsrickankiel said...

Also, thanks to Simmons, I've had that damn REO Speedwagon song stuck in my head for about 3 hours. What an asshole.

the taints of new orleans said...

that was awesome

the taints of new orleans said...

i lived in ann arbor for a semester in 2002 like 4 years after brady left and i knew a guy who knew a guy that said that this story was true.

The Pirate Sloth said...

It's time to bring this ship into the shore, come crashing thru your door...


Fuck me, I hate that song.

K-Rock said...

Tom Brady is plotting to kill all sweet ideas KSK has. Knock out Jags, no more Silky Garrard. Knock out Chargers, no more Rivers.

the great bambi said...

@ k-rock

then knock out Eli and no more squash...sniffle

Ted said...

The Bradshaw line made it worth reading.

SDW said...

"Going Umenyiora" has got to be my favorite term of 2008. We may close this contest down early.

Corporate Cannon Fodder said...

It always takes me a long time read the Masshole posts as I struggle with the translation. Shouldn't meconium have an "ah" or "aaaaah" somewhere?

Landru said...

Speaking of roofied-up ACC chicks, did you know that in four years at State, Marmalard never once managed to beat Maryland?

That's fucking pathetic. Even Charlie Whitehurst did it twice.

bmcmolo said...

"Rodney HGHarrison."

There is no HG at the beginning of Rodney Harrison's name.

A few weeks too late,
Joe Damato

Robert Ullman said...

Magical. Nice work, Ape.

Clutch Is Everything said...

Absolute GOLD

Average at Best said...

HAHAH Roger Staubach's chalice of children's blood AND roofied up girls after an ACC game?

Fucking awesome, Ape. Also Rodney Harrison sounded like Terry Tate in my head as I was reading it.

Justin said...

I believe someone already called it, but great Layer Cake reference throw in there...

blackheartededitor said...

"What in the name of jumbly fuck!"

That makes me cry with laughter. These Rivers columns are my new favorite thing on the web. Thanks for a new catchprase.

Bstone said...

@ landru

Allow me to present a sincere "fuck you" from anyone that attended NC State within the past 10 years.