Friday, January 11, 2008

I'm Sorry, Serena Williams


I was sorry, Serena Williams, to learn this morning that you were dumped by your boyfriend. Brad Maynard was reading Deadspin to me this morning, and I couldn't feel worse for you. I know what it's like to be with someone that you open up your pants heart to, only to have it crushed and mangled, as if it was being dragged over a cobblestone road through a town square. I feel bad.

And I'm sorry to say, Serena Williams, that you kinda brought some of this shit on yourself, dating a guy named "Jackie" that wasn't actually Jackie Chan. Goodness Gracious, that dude is bad-ass. But this dude you were dating was an actor after all, and I'm sure that the Stanislavsky Method training of his helped him embellish some of the things that you already were willing to hear. It's like Rexy always tells us: A girl can fake an orgasm, but only a guy can fake an entire relationship. Word, sistah.

So, you're not gonna believe this, Serena Williams, but we didn't make the playoffs this year, and I've got some free time coming up next month. Would you be interested in going to Honolulu with me in February? Yeah, I know I didn't make the Pro Bowl, but Roy Williams said that he wasn't voted in either, and now he's going. I'm hoping that happens to me. Jeez, those cornerbacks get so lucky sometimes. But, we'd be there for the week. We can go to a luau and help Coach Jones clean out his office. Or we can help you come up with a better name for that apparel line that you don't do any work on. ANERES? Shit, girl. I knew that was Serena spelled backwards as soon as I saw it.

You're on your own getting back to the mainland, though. That's just how I roll.

18 comments:

quiet strength said...

He's much nicer in person than via text message, I hear.

Pale Writer said...

I like that other people refer to the wisdom of Rexy. The only thing better than a Sex Cannon post is the Sex Cannon tangentially showing up in someone else's post.

Crazy Little Thing said...

Dude, he looks, like, thoughtful and shit.

Unsilent Majority said...

picture via Xerox

devang said...

Brad Maynard was reading Deadspin to me this morning

Very nicely done.

I'm sure that the Stanislavsky Method training of his helped him embellish some of the things that you already were willing to hear.

You're lying MMP. There's no way Urlacher could put together such a sentence.

Love the 2Live Crew reference.

grungedave said...

forget helping Coach Jones clean out his locker... help him recruit, dammit!

Awful Chief said...

I was really wondering what that Walter Reed guy who's always on washingtonpost.com had to do with Serena Williams or the NFL.

the great bambi said...

this is exactly what the world needed, more apologetic Brian Urlacher

Tom Holzerman said...

I didn't know Brian Urlacher was gay.

T Dizzle said...

The Rexy wisdom is priceless

Chris(BessMervinGirlDetective) said...

ps. bring the cat suit

Hank said...

Unless I missed something, that is a Sir Mix-A-Lot reference in the tags.

devang said...

@hank. Yep, I'm an idiot. Shows my level of rap knowledge.

Otto Man said...

picture via Xerox

... via Josten's, your number one source for high school yearbooks!

I'm pretty sure that stuff at the bottom is a BFF note from Hester.

The Pirate Sloth said...

I'm going to Hawaii - can I have my own Serena when I'm there?

cyberspaceman said...

Picture the offspring of Serena Williams and Brian Urlacher. Freak 'O Nature.
http://gdygs.blogspot.com/

Becky said...

I imagine this being read in a silky imitation of Barry White. I think to myself, "Becky - don't judge. You, too, might fall for the dulcet tones of Apologetic Urlacher."

Then, I remember the he touched the walking herp that is Paris Hilton. So not so much.

Jackin'4Beats said...

Man I would sure love to Superman Serena.

And any dude names Jackie has got to be some kind of fag.

Speaking of Soulja Boy, look what I found. Pretty fackin' hilarious ain't it Murph?