Monday, January 7, 2008

The Unbearable Whiteness of Being



NFC 2nd Seed -- Green Bay Packers (13-3)

Mike McCarthy: I know we shouldn't be peering into the future at a time like this but, unlikely though it may be, if we are to advance far enough, this could be the final year with Brett as our quarterback.

[waves arms down to quell obvious excitement]

Now, now. It's not going to be an easy transition. The improved quarterback play by young Aaron will, at least for me, alter the entire playbook in painful, soul-wrenching ways. But for the sake of revenue and keeping the fanbase in its pallid lunacy, some people are going to have to take on a few of Brett's extracurriculars next season.

Atari: You have a hilarious name that resonates with people who don't get out of their houses. That'll help some.

Atari Bigby: Actually, it's the Japanese word for "attack."

McCarthy: Well, it's an American word for playing Missile Command whilst double fisting Fiddle Faddle in your basement. They teach that in the high schools 'round me.

But that won't do much to assuage the media fluffers. Who will they turn to in their moment of ejaculation?

Aaron Kampman: Madden already seems to like me okay. And I'm white. Easy peazy.

McCarthy: Good, good.

What about crazy wives? We got anymore of those? Preferably with a sympathetic disorder of some sort.

A.J. Hawk: Uhhh, check.

McCarthy: Okay. Okay. Nice. Now all we need is to capture the stubble quotient. Preferably covering a face at once alluring and non-threatening to homely white women.

James Van Der Beek: I'm your man, coach!

[A door quietly creeks open]

Brett Favre: What's going on here, guys? Some kinda team bonding exercise? We gonna start wrasslin' soon? Get into some monkeyshines? Rent some scary movies? Talk of days gone by?

Hmmm. Somethin's a lil' amiss.

Waitaminnit.

I think I know what you're doing.

You-you're planning for my retirement, aren't you? AREN'T YOU?

Mike McCarthy: No.

Nononononono.

Aaron Rodgers: [standing by depth chart that has him as starting quarterback] Not at all.

Greg Jennings: [wearing a toupe while icing a Brett Favre retirement cake] That's crazytalk, man.

Al Harris: It's just, you've been going through this whole song and dance for a few years now and -

Favre: You shut up, Al! I was just coming to tell you guys I was gonna stay. We were gonna be Packers forever. Remember when I said you were the most talented team I ever played with? I meant that. It came from here, here in my boyish, gunslinging indefatigable heart.

[door flies open]

Peter King: WHAT HAPPENED? WHAT HAPPENED? My Favre Monitor showed your heartbeat was quickening! Are you in fine fettle, my frisky Favre?

Favre: They're conspiring toward a future in which I play no part. A farewell to gunslinging!

Peter King: [furiously jabbing finger in McCarthy's chest] You-You-YOU UNCONSCIONABLE MONSTER! I voted you Coach of the Year! You made my Bretty Boy a factor again. Now I see it was just a big power grab, wasn't it? WASN'T IT?

LOOK AT ME!!!

[Fighting tears]

Come away, Brett. I feared this day would come and now it has. We'll find a home somewhere where dreams never die and the sweet song of Number Four will play as a paean to puckishness everlasting. The rigors of old age will never cut us down. We'll be dewy fresh for now and always. This was not a world made for lovers, its searing sneering cynicism was made to siphen the ardor of the warmest heart. You know this, as do I. Only together can we find this place, can we discover it within ourselves.

Favre: I might like that, Peter.

24 comments:

Hustler of Culture said...

Great...the only image I have is of Peter King installing the Favre monitor personally....

Upstate Underdog said...

Ape has been hitting these hater's guides out of the park. Another good one.

Real Men Eat Haggis said...

Ape, if you take the comma out of the last sentence it works even better

Punch Rockgroin said...

I'm thinking the Favre Monitor® vibrates.

Grimey said...

Just wait until next season, when Packer fans finally learn how to do the "Soulja Boy"

quiet strength said...

Farve will never retire in PK's pleated khakis.

futuremrsrickankiel said...

The only thing missing is a soundtrack... maybe that "How To Save a Life" song could cue up at the end? Or something by Snow Patrol?

And a shot of raindrops quietly falling on a dropped copy of Brett's "Sportsman of the Year" issue.

devang said...

Building on futuremrsrickankiel's comment, how about a post suggesting possible Brett Favre retirement songs as sung by Peter King.

Chamomiles Davis said...

Wow. I haven't seen white people dance that badly at a tailgate since this embarrassment by Notre Dame's Business School.

Pemulis said...

i started reading this hoping it would involve a disgraced brett favre washing windows and then dying in a car wreck eventually, but peter king being gay always beats czech literature in terms of awesomeness.

futuremrsrickankiel said...

devang YES. I can see the commercials for the compilation CDs now... PK lounging by the fire on a bearskin rug or running in slow motion through a field of daisies as song titles like "You Are The Wind Beneath My Wings" and "I Will Always Love You" scroll across the screen. The entire box set can be yours for just $24.99 so act now!

smurphette said...

That last PK paragraph had me wiping my eyes I was laughing so hard. Well done!

@chamomiles: Ugh, don't remind me. Stupid MBAs.

J.L. White said...

I would have liked to see this scene end with PK pickup up Favre, and carrying him out of the Packer training facility, just like in The Bodyguard. And F.M.R.A., hearing Peter belt out "I Will Always Love You" would have been icing on the cake!

My Insignificant Life said...

@ futuremrsrick....

and if you act now, we'll include a very special compliation of Peter King stores where he professes his undying love of Bret Favre, FREE...

Phony Gwynn said...

She may be homely, but her fellatio is furious.

Chris said...

ah to be Brett... all the man love one could want just by being yourself.

Chris(BessMervinGirlDetective) said...

Et tu, Al Harris?

Leaking Geek said...

Do you think PK gives Brett straight Fellatio, or has their relationship progressed to the Rusty Trombone...

PK looks like a music lover.

Dickens Cider said...

Go Steelers! haha

dickey simpkins said...

I'm sure AJ Hawk is just dying to get on that Wrangler Jean poon.

Tracer Bullet said...

I haven't seen white people dance that badly . . . since the last time I saw white people dance. Why is it so hard for you people to stay on beat?

pain-ther fan said...

I think ape found the romance novels again after reading that last paragraph. Saying three words with a seven line paragraph. "I AM GAY", PK

I was really hoping someone would kick the limbo guy square in the nuts. Really, really hoping, but yet again I was disappointed.

Darren said...

Forget slavery. My white guilt comes from videos like that.

Mike said...

Anytime a door flies open on KSK hilarity ensues.