Monday, January 7, 2008

The American Gladiators That Didn't Make The Cut

With the resurrection of American Gladiators last night came a new incarnation of the Gladiators themselves, this time with more moody lycra and ridiculous scripted quips before the start of certain events. Not to say that the show is overproduced or anything, but at one point I was certain that they were going to start opening briefcases.

The 12 Gladiators selected for the second coming were hand-picked by NBC producers out of thousands of applicants, not only for their aptitude in pumping iron, but in pumping out "dialogue" as well. Naturally, some of the applicants came up short of being the total package that the show was seeking. Join us as we take a gander at some of the would-be Gladiators that didn't make the cut.


Real name/hometown: Chester Queensbury, Latrobe, Pennsylvania.

Personal Dream: To make enough money to buy a house in Hollywood with doorways big enough to walk through without turning sideways.

Reason Rejected From The Show: Subject to extreme and uncontrollable fits of rage, especially after a Steelers loss.


Real name/hometown: Svetlana Federov, Sacremento, CA, by way of Moscow, Russia.

Personal Dream: "To be meeting strong Ameddican man and bed heem and to be having him in marriage wit mee unteel I keel him in meeddle of lovemaking."

Reason Rejected From The Show: Failed STD test.


Real name/hometown: Tia Bay, Vancouver, British Columbia.

Personal Dream: To lose another ten pounds

Reason Rejected From The Show: Actually made the cut, but was replaced when producers announced that she was a no-show for the first tape (Actually, she was there, but she was turned sideways and nobody could see her).


Real name/hometown: Katherine (nee Kyle) Martinsen, Dayton, Ohio.

Personal Dream: Natural lubrication, getting medical bills paid off (tie)

Reason Rejected From The Show: Unable to get waiver signed by her physician.

Superchub, Cowbell, Hollywood, Kenmore, Big Pete

Real names/hometown: Joey, Jason, Joshua, Jerry, and Stephen Franklin, Philadelphia.

Personal Dream: Co-ownership of upscale hamburger restaurant.

Reason Rejected From The Show: Kept trying to light their farts on the flaming apparatus above the pool on the Eliminator.


Christmas Ape said...

All of them are more attractive than Fury.

1972DavidBowieFromTheZiggyStardustTour said...

This is the most disgusting collection of human beings I've ever seen. Except that one time I was in Erie, PA.

The Pirate Sloth said...

Siren is hot.

Imperator Johannes said...

The skinny one made me puke a little bit.

Gourmet Spud said...

Looks like Big Pete has found something to help him get over the rejection.

THE Chicago Jones said...

Emeril (Hollywood) already has too many shows.

Phony Gwynn said...

I don't want more Cowbell.

futuremrsrickankiel said...

Where does one purchase a Spandex one-piece with the entire chest area cut out? And in such a vast range of colors, too? I'd love one to wear to my office New Year's party on Friday. Perhaps with those hooker/Spartan shoes on the Russian babe.

Why don't I get more of my fashion tips from this website?

Richard said...

No "Geez Punter that's just wrong" tag?

larry b said...

"Sting" is still hotter and less ripped than most female pro tennis players.

Anonymous said...

That is how Shawne Merriman would look in his dream world, bereft of the evil Roger Goddell and his fascist Pee Police.

Otto Man said...

As an avid connoisseur of crap TV, I caught five minutes of this last night. Sadly, I couldn't take any more. Even as a chance to rubberneck at a trainwreck of human tragedy, it was unwatchable.

Eli-running-the-hurry-up unwatchable.

Pemulis said...

i forgot this was on because there was 3 hours of iron chef america on at the same time. i'm sure i'll catch at least some of it tonight... from everything i've heard, it sounds like it was great!

Josh said...

are #s 1 and 3 actual real human beings? jesus fuck.

Magglio said...

Did anyone think that Crush was pretty freakin hot!?


Upstate Underdog said...

Crush is easily the hottest Gladiator.

miamidiesel said...

I would gladly hit it with either Siren or Crush (preferably Siren). Though either of them would hit me much harder. ZING!

Marc said...


Some of those pics are funny.

WhatIGotSoFar said...

funny, yet wrong, so so wrong.