Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Sean Taylor Memorial Measts of the Week -- Conference Championships

I'll admit that I'm a late adapter in personal technology, but I'm always bemused with the way new developments in home video are advertised. I was watching the DVD of Eagle vs. Shark earlier and the menu is preceded by one of those ads for Blu-ray or HD DVD discs in which they try to show you how super crisp the picture could be if only your broke ass went out and plunked down some cash on a new gadget.

But how the fuck is my dated DVD player supposed to illustrate that? If anything, I'm thinking "Hey, that looks remarkably similar to the picture my DVD has. The fuck needs this Blu-ray shit?" We already went through this once with the videotape-to-DVD transition. I remember, beginning around '98, every movie would come accompanied some annoying intro that began, "Dee. Vee. Dee. Welcome to the future in home entertainment." Then they'd show a bunch of clips of classic movies, as though the picture had somehow improved. That's probably why I waited until last week to get one.

The same thing applies with HDTV. Stop showing footage of supposedly enhanced video on my television, only accompanied by sweeping audio whooshes that are supposed to trick me into thinking it's different.

Anyway, the remainder of this post is in KSK HD (wwwhhhhooooosssshhhh), so the typos and bad jokes will be all the more glaring.

Your NFC co-Meast is Plaxico Burress, who pretty much made Packers' corner Al Harris his simpering mange-infested bitch to the tone of 11 catches for 151 yards, despite Harris having to resort to tackling Plax in coverage and flashing his dong as a feeble attempt at establishing dominance.

Much is being made of Eli Manning's arrival as something above a self-immolating squash player moonlighting as a quarterback, but, to this Steelers fan, seeing Burress having a big game when it counts is no less mindblowing (or rankling).

Your AFC co-Meast is Philip Rivers, who - whether you think he was helping his team or not - played through an entire playoff game without an ACL (pfft -- Hines Ward does that all the time) in his right knee.

Deprived as well of a healthy Antonio Gates, Rivers struggled in the redzone but still nearly pulled off the upset. Meanwhile, pussyfooting, three-pick-throwing Tom Brady had his Australian booting shoe on after a pumice foot scrub gone awry. Perhaps it was his first foray into foot binding. How else will he fit into the new spring fashions?

29 comments:

ben said...

No big deal. I don't have a solid ACL or Meniscus at the moment, and I still manage to make sweet, sweet love to Monica Bellucci every hour like clockwork. I'd like to see Marmalard keep up with that.

Well, actually, I wouldn't.

allie said...

torn ACL? psh.

everyone knows brady's been battling a shoulder injury for going on three years now.

larry b said...

Give Brady a break, he was fighting an infected chin donut implant.

SlideShow Bob said...

so it wont be the Heath Ledger Memorial meast?

Anywhoo, do people really think Volektricity would of played better then Marmalard? all those people r idiots (Coach Cowher included).

Man Bear Pig said...

'98? Was it really that long ago?

Fuck! I just turned old enough for booze!

Damn it, I feel old now. Fuckin' KSK; you robbed me of my childhood!

Tech N9ne's Tribute to Falco said...

Fuckin ACL injury? That get's you a meast award these days? Talk about pandering. Excuse me for saying this so soon after the good Dr.'s holiday, but tearing your ACL is like the white-dude-5yrs-outta-college's sickle cell. Like 1 in 5 shitty former college athletes get one. Yeah you gained 10 lbs. and you still don't have 'ups' you weekend warrior dipshit.

Let's be honest, you disqualified the entire Pats team cause they're the Pats, so fuck, blackball Marmalard for the same reason. Give it to Sproles, give it to Volek for putting up with that shit, give it to Cowher, give it to the fucking 18 cortizone shots bucket of valium and circa '92 Brett Farve party prescription that helped Marmalard play, just don't actually give it to that Alabama Doucherag!

Jay said...

Anyone else think it'd be appropriate for a post to begin "*Knee ligaments tear open*"?

No?

...fine, going to go cry in the corner as another joke fails miserably.

SlideShow Bob said...

I think that was the joke of the second picture.

Crazy Little Thing said...

Wow, love the HD post. Must be the mirrors.

Otto Man said...

In a perfect world, the annoying little must-be-the-mirrors HDTV girl would be mowed down by the annoying little zoom-zoom-zoom Mazda boy in an accident that killed them both.

In a perfect world.

Mongo said...

Maybe Brady's mysterious on-again off again injury (supposedly it's a "high ankle sprain") is just a miserable attempt to out-douche and steal the spotlight from Marmalard. And what better place to do it than in Elisha's town?

Look at me!!! I'm hurt too!!!
I'm just here to get some sympathy sex from my girlfriend before I go back to "work" being fellated by the national media for the next 2 weeks.

quiet strength said...

TMQ says that the MSM like KSK is bias toward QB and HB, so he will be bias toward UFA. His MOTW are Lightning Bolts long snapper David Binn who contributed to Kaeding's 4-4 performance and the Big People's Torrance Daniels, who may or may not have actually played but was part of a unit that shut down the red hot Ryan Grant. TMQ will now pleasure himself to images of cheerleaders with his own unibrowed face pasted in.

futuremrsrickankiel said...

Spot on Easterbrook impression.

futuremrsrickankiel said...

*spot-on

That's the thing about high-def: it makes your own spelling/grammar mistakes all the more glaring.

Captain Caveman said...

Tech N9ne wins KSK Bitchy Commenter of the Week.

Feel better now, Nancy?

fallex said...

Stop, no Easterbrook impressions.

Otto Man said...

Tech N9ne wins KSK Bitchy Commenter of the Week.

Amen to that. I had no idea people took the Measties so seriously.

Do you get this worked up over the Nickelodeon Kid Choice Awards too?

Smello said...

You mean I could win something for being bitchy???

My Insignificant Life said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
My Insignificant Life said...

@ Jay - Anyone else think it'd be appropriate for a post to begin "*Knee ligaments tear open*"?

Sounds like a golf tourney LT & Rivers will be playing this summer.

Pemulis said...

after reading all the marmalard posts here, it was weird to watch him interviewed because i wanted so badly for him to be exactly the same way, but then he says things like " i go back and forth with the fans but it's all fun and there is no profanity being used" and i hate him even more

the great bambi said...

well to be honest, tech n9ne was torn up the golden globes were so short

john said...

"Meanwhile, pussyfooting, three-pick-throwing Tom Brady had his Australian booting shoe on after a pumice foot scrub gone awry."

Gisele B√ľndchen is said to be quite fond of Brady's pussyfooting abilities.

Gern said...

High-def dvd's are suspect for sure, but what the hell is up with High-def radio?? Are we all really that stupid? Wait a minute, can I take that back.

Tech N9ne's Tribute to Falco said...

@CC & Otto Man:

The ghost of Sean Taylor is gonna tear your other ACL for sullying his memory.

Tech N9ne's Tribute to Falco said...

Wait, wait, I won something?

Aww fuck me, well, first I'd like to thank CC for giving me this and, you know, keepin freedom free. Then I'd like to thank Sean Taylor and Footsteps Falco...

[kisses fist, points towards heaven]

And, you know, God. And I'd like to thank the other commenters, Otto Man, "you know hanna montana gots screwed!" smello, "you got it next week baby, just don't get laid for a week and start bitching about anonymous blogs." I'd also like to thank BDD's Baby Mama for gettin knocked up and forcing him to spend hours at a computer entertaining us less funny people. Oh, and George Brett, Billy Volek, Ronnie Lott, both LT's and Bo Jackson

Slash said...

I always suspected HD was a sham. Like we need to see most TV better, anyway. Why, so I can count the pores on someone's face? Yeah, I've heard people say that after they got HD whatever, they were riveted by everything that appeared on the screen, but of course they'd say that after shelling out a couple grand to watch television. What are they gonna do, say, "Eh, it's alright, it wasn't really worth the money."

I kind of enjoy Tech9's rants. Of course, they're not aimed at me, so I would say that.

And Plaxico, even though it kinda sounds like the name of a resort town in South America, is a badass name. Those fierce dreads make it even more badasss.

Chip Fu said...

Hmmm...a tough guy douchebag? Is that even possible?

Whoops, my bad! I apologize Tito Ortiz, I forgot you were there.

andrea said...

you know, i love (love) your blog (blog) but what makes me love it most is that xmas ape is a steeler fan.

also, i like it because i am an asshole.

xxo
andrea