Atonement is now in its first run in theatres, at least for another week, depending on how many women can drag their husbands/boyfriends/casual acquaintances/UPS men to go see it. Such was my fate last night, as I dutifully went to see the film against my own will. As the credits rolled and the theater emptied, I casually frisked myself to make sure my genetalia did not perish in light of my betrayal to my gender.
The thing is, the premise of the movie isn't terrible. The script just needs to be massaged a bit so that it's more presentable to a broader audience. If only there was some asshole with a little free time that could re-write the film in a way that the finished product would actually enhance one's manhood, rather than have one question it. Well, rejoice, dear reader, because I am that asshole.
Without further ado, I present my adaptation of Atonement.
England, 1935. Big-assed house. Nobody's fucking, because it's not proper and shit, so everybody has blue balls. This is also why everyone smokes. Anyway, some guy with a moustache is coming to the house for a black tie dinner. And so this little tale begins with 13-year-old Briony, a
closet lesbian singer-songwriter who can't find her own clitoris, putting the finishing touches on her first play.
Scene 1: Int. Big-Assed House, Briony's Room
BRIONY: There. It's all there. Jolly good.
[touches self awkwardly, binds the play then runs downstairs to tell MUM]
BRIONY: Mummy? Mummy? I finished it, Mummy! I finished it! My first play!
MUM: Oh, such whimsy! Let me read it. [Reads it] It's stupendous!
BRIONY: I'm going to dedicate it to Joan of Arc, the inspiration for Xena: Warrior Princess! Then I'm going to keep searching for my clitoris using the mirrors in the ball room!
MUM: You will be performing the play this evening, yes?
BRIONY: We can't! The WGA will picket us for sure!
MUM: Oh, you're right. I forgot. This goddamn strike is killing me.
BRIONY: No shit. Even Family Guy's a repeat this week.
Scene 2: Int. Servants' Quarters
ROBBIE: Mum, where's my good shirt? I've been invited to the dinner tonight! Can you believe it?
ROBBIE'S MUM: What a relief that you're not black! This would never happen in America!
Scene 3: Int. Briony's Room:
[Briony is drawn to the window by a bee trying to get out. Since Briony is a
flaming dyke singer-songwriter and therefore cares about the environment, she opens the window and lets the bee escape. Then she sees ROBBIE and CECILIA at the fountain. CECILIA takes off almost all of her clothes, jumps in the fountain, jumps out, gets dressed and leaves in a huff. BRIONY would have flicked her bean to a pulp while all this was going on, but she still doesn't know where that is, so she just straddled a rolled-up issue of The Saturday Evening Post and acted like she was riding a horse. And...scene]
Scene 4: Int. ROBBIE'S Room
[ROBBIE is smoking a cigarette (because he has blue balls and the technology and masculine social mores of the day are prohibiting him from engaging in self-mutilation) and typing up an apologetic letter for CECILIA, whom he would care to bang like a tennis ball off a garage door]
ROBBIE: [speaking as he types] Dear...Cecilia...please...forgive me...no, no (pulls paper out and crumples it up, replaces paper, starts over)
Dear...Cecilia...you're breaking...my heart...you're shaking...my confidence...baby...no, no, no (pulls paper out and crumples it up, replaces paper, starts over)
Dear...Cecilia...Old Mother Hubbard...went to her cupboard...to get her poor dog...a bone...Then...she bent over...Rover took over...and she...got a bone...of her own. (pulls paper out, gleefully folds it up and stuffs it in an envelope)
Scene 5: Ext. Dirt Driveway To The Big-Assed House
[ROBBIE is walking up the driveway in a tux and sees BRIONY on her acoustic guitar, strumming and singing "Come To My Window"]
ROBBIE: Briony! Briony!
BRIONY: [Runs to him] Yes?
ROBBIE: Give this to your sister. [Hands her the envelope]
BRIONY: I'm going to read it before I give it to her. [Runs off]
Scene 6: Int. Foyer, Big-Assed House
[BRIONY runs into the foyer and opens the envelope. LOLA, BRIONY's redheaded cousin, comes to see what's all the bother]
LOLA: What's all the bother?
BRIONY: [Starts reading the letter, gasps] Haha, Rover took over. This guy is a sex maniac!
LOLA: A sex maniac?
BRIONY: Yes, Lola, a...[Licks lips]
CECILIA: [enters] Is that for me? Give me that, you little carpet-muncher! [Starts reading] Haha, Rover took over. Hey, wasn't this in an envelope?
Scene 7: Doorway of Big-Assed House (is that Int. or Ext? I don't know, and I guess it doesn't really matter since this isn't an actual screenplay. Otherwise, all kinds of shit would be capitalized and this whole fucker would be in Courier New, and I've already met my quota for that this week. Shit, we're getting off-topic. Okay, so Robbie's finally at the house...)
ROBBIE: Oh, hello. Did you like my limerick?
CECILIA: Uhh, limericks use an AABBA rhyme scheme, you fucking simpleton.
ROBBIE: [confused] What?
CECILIA: Limericks use an AABBA rhyme scheme. The poem in your letter used an AABCCB rhyme scheme. And it wasn't even yourpoem. It's Andrew Dice Clay, and it's like 20 years old.
ROBBIE: Oh. How embarrassing. Let me furrow my brow in embarrassment.
CECILIA: See all these books? Fuck me on the books! [He does, until Briony sneaks in and totally cockblocks ROBBIE]
BRIONY: [crying] This is going in my mood journal! [runs out]
Scene 8: Int. Dining Room Table
[ROBBIE walks in]
MUM: Robbie, please meet Paul Marshall. He plays midfield for Manchester United. And he has a mustache!
PAUL: [says hi in British]
ROBBIE: Hello. You look kinda gay.
PAUL: Good show, chap, jolly good show! Say there, chap. Could you help me find the twins?
ROBBIE: See? I knew you were gay!
MUM: Lola's twin brothers are missing! Let's hurry up and look for them!
Scene 9: Ext. Outside, where it's dark and shit
LOLA: Yes, Paul?
PAUL: Does the carpet match the drapes? [Starts banging her in the woods, all the while they do it doggystyle, until...]
BRIONY: Lola? [PAUL runs off. LOLA, upset from being cockblocked, cries] Lola? Lola, what did you do with your Birkenstocks?
Scene 10: Int. Living Room
[LOLA is carried into the room and set on a couch]
INSPECTOR POIROT: Who could hov done zuch a fine job of hollowing out zis sweet leettle beetch?
MUM: Wilt Chamberlin?
BRIONY: Robbie did it. I saw him do it. With my own eyes.
POIROT: Aha! Zis Rub-bie will be going to jail! Aw-haw-haw!
[ROBBIE shows up with the missing twins and POIROT and THE AUTHORITIES haul his ass off. BRIONY watches the whole thing go down while touching herself, until...]
BRIONY: Heyyyyyyyy...who is this little guyyyyy?
TO BE CONTINUED...