Friday, January 25, 2008

Idle Sands: Cactus vs. Tumbleweed. Bye Week Desert Showdown. WHO YA GOT?















It's the first weekend since the summer that's sans football but that doesn't mean we don't have some vicious rivalry that we can occupy ourselves with until the media circus commences next week. All this southwestern indolence is just the thing to make us forget about the mesmeric excitement of the game. Why, I don't miss it at all...I...just... OHGODINEEDFOOTBALLHELPMEHELPMEHELPMEWHOYAGOT?

Contestants

Saguaro__________Tumbleweed

Football applications

Pylon?_______Fuck. I don't know. Just give me football.


Kinda like the Super Bowl because

Prickly, like Tom Coughlin__Contains sticks, dirt, animal feces, like Logan Mankins' beard

Evocative of

Uh, not football________Soccer, in its ability to bore

Provides

Water______Also water. Wait, no. Just sticks.

Can Tom Brady fuck it?

Sure, why not?______Moves too fast for his boot

Can pass for

[Sigh] I don't know_____BRING ME A WHOPPER FOOTBALL

Finishing move

Sitting there______Best guess: tumbling

26 comments:

pedafile priest holmes said...

not sure who i got, but i do have HIV and no job, is that enough?

pedafile priest holmes said...

i got the time to pull a great bambi, but the self awareness not to. i am nice, i could keep posting rubbish til 8 in the morning. bambi is a twat.

SlideShow Bob said...

well thats a little harsh.

J.L. White said...

Really Ape, you see Arizona and all you think of is a desolate desert with nothing but tumbleweeds and cacti? How sad. I'm a certified Arizona expert, having just watched 3:10 to Yuma on DVD, so I can tell you they have.....oh, some cattle, I guess? I don't know, rampant murdering doesn't sound right....oh, how about the Chinamen who worked on the railroads? Yeah, because they were called "Coolies" (the worst-sounding racial slur I've ever heard) and that sounds close to Redskins TE Chris Cooley.

God-motherfucking-damn, can we please have our football back?

NHZ said...

3:10 to Yuma was pretty damn cool.

Cacti are not really all that cool.

the Associated Dress said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Punch Rockgroin said...

I found out at an early age that jumping off of a barn into a pile of tumbleweeds that had built up over a summer not only provides very little support for a 30 foot fall but is a rodent filled, allergy and rash inducing good time.

I've got Cactus -7.

donnie said...

ohooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh shit!


That made me laugh.

Tom Brady is hobbling down an empty Scottsdale avenue inhabited only by stripmalls and retirees in their Lincoln Towncars right now, dick wagging in the desert sun, chasing after that coy tumbleweed that gave him the eye in that bar in Bisbee.

Cousins of Ron Mexico said...

Nice logo by the way

they might as well change their name to Burger Queen - unfunny dickhead

huh huh yeah - long haired asshole

Fuck those commercials in their ear

Cousins of Ron Mexico said...

Oh, and uh...cactus? Sure why not.

Tracer Bullet said...

Phoenix only exists because people in Houston said, "We like the soulless subdivisions and the boredom, but it's just not hot enough. Let's head west!"

And I'll take cactus, straight up.

Rocky Top said...

I thoroughly enjoyed 3:10 to Yuma, but what was with the random Luke Wilson appearance? He had maybe two lines and then got shot. (Spoiler alert?) It wasn't even a good death scene. I think that Russell Crowe only agreed to sign on if Luke Wilson died in the film.

Jelly B. Good said...

I'm all for fucking something prickly on the outside and wet inside, just ask my wife..

/ba-dum-bum... thank you, thank you, I'll be here all week, try the veal!

Otto Man said...

how about the Chinamen who worked on the railroads?

I believe the preferred nomenclature is "Asian Americans."

fallex said...

I think we found the identity of MJD's muff stubble girl two comments up.

Oh, and the Cactus Album was the pearl of 3rd Bass's career.

Phony Gwynn said...

When I was about nine I fell face-first into a bed of cactus in front of my house.

That's still better than no football.

Pemulis said...

I was once given a small cactus as a gift. I kept it on a shelf in my then apartment, until one night i was drunk, bumped into the shelf, knocked the cactus over and instinctively tried to catch it. It took me over two weeks to get all the goddamned prickers out of my hand. Tumbleweed by infinity billion

dlchambers said...

I'm taking tumbleweed because cactus is about as mobile as Drew Bledsoe.

Otto Man said...

Oh, and the Cactus Album was the pearl of 3rd Bass's career.

Agreed. Tumbleweed gets the gas face.

Brady's a douchebag said...

@Otto Man

Asian Americans....I don't think so! Try it the New England way....slit dawwkies.

Scamper said...

Gotta go with the Tumbleweed, due to it's critical involvement in The Big Lebowski.

Yeah, well, you know, that's just, like, your opinion, man.

SuperCatMonkey said...

I believe the preferred nomenclature is "Asian Americans."

Yeah - preferred by dickless simpering assholes and frigid closet bulldykes in Birkenstocks.

Saguaro by 6 - they're already signalling touchdown but can't kick.

larry b said...

I'll take the tumbleweed to cover +7 due to its ability to move.

Otto Man said...

Yeah - preferred by dickless simpering assholes and frigid closet bulldykes in Birkenstocks.

Or people who've actually seen the movie I'm referencing. It's called "The Big Lebowski."

Why don't you turn off Limbaugh for a second and look into it, fucknuts.

SuperCatMonkey said...

Or people who've actually seen the movie I'm referencing. It's called "The Big Lebowski."

Why don't you turn off Limbaugh for a second and look into it, fucknuts.


Awesome reference. The Big Lebowski. Very topical.

It's incredible how douchebags think that anyone who doesn't subscribe to their PC bullshit must have Limbaugh on. Think about it (if thinking doesn't give you too much of a headache).

Congrats on spelling his name right, though.

Otto Man said...

Awesome reference. The Big Lebowski. Very topical.

Yeah, three references here, two in another thread ... definitely unpopular and definitely not topical.

I was referencing a movie, douchebag, not getting on my soapbox about PC shit. You're the one who got his panties in a wad because he was the one person who didn't get the joke.