Sunday, January 13, 2008

Can Eli Sunday Get That Texas Tea?

Eli Manning busted his playoff victory cherry last week in Tampa Bay and now Tony Romo's all, like, "Hey, man. I thought we made a decision to lose our postseason winning virginity together?"

Then Eli was like, "I'm sorry. It kinda, sorta just happened. You can't expect me to say no to something like that."

Then Romo cried.

Eli has been insisting it wasn't that big a deal, but Romo can notice the changes in him already. Eli's not as uneasy around playoff games, he exudes a confidence he didn't have before.

Good thing Eli is an actual sexual virgin or Romo would be really pissed.

41 comments:

rustytrombone said...

Rivers just Beat Indy...everyone at this site can suck it! In the future that will be Mr. Rivers you sons a bitches!

Christmas Ape said...

Actually, Volek beat Indy. Rivers just yelled at the crowd.

dickey simpkins said...

Rivers beat Indy? Yeah I'm 100% sure that Manning's INT's, bad officiating, Sproles, and Volek beat Indy. Rivers is still a whiny bitch trash talking to the Indy crowd. Enjoy getting ass raped next week in front of thousands of Massholes.

Rusty said...

Christmas Ape, your straw can drink from my milkshake any time.

allie said...

well said, ape.

I felt so dirty for rooting for SD after they showed that clip.

Grimey said...

Personally I can't wait to hear Philip Rivers' views on female Asian drivers

Pemulis said...

I drink your milkshake! I drink it up!!!!

Rant_Casey said...

I can't beleive Peyyyyton couldn't produce some points with all the chances he had. Way to shit the bed, Colts.

Christmas Ape said...

Are they playing the Arcade Fire on Fox? Are the Emo Eagles running the show?

The Pirate Sloth said...

I hope both Eli and Romo get knocked out and it becomes a battle of the backups.

NHZ said...

I hope both Eli and Romo get knocked up and it becomes a battle of the pregnant quarterbacks.

fallex said...

Would that be Massraped?

Grimey said...

I think that Cowboy that just missed that tackle is going to the Pro Bowl

NHZ said...

Wasn't anyone else available to head to Hawaii other than Roy Williams?

Go Giants.

Laughing Week said...

I'm with you allie. So... so dirty

That missed tackle(s) was atrocious. Watching Eli be pumped up is always humorous, yet odd

Christmas Ape said...

Sorry for deleting the comment, brave sir robin. Referencing the movie is one thing. Don't give away major plot points.

Winston B. Mcpotsworthy said...

Never seen a kid less happy to be given the ball after an important touchdown by your favorite team by that teams star receiver.

Christmas Ape said...

Webster has good hands.

The Pirate Sloth said...

HEY! It's the other Steve Smith!

Jelly B. Good said...

after reviewing the play, the feeling on the stands hounds... muchdown, phallus... I think I just saw Joe Buck go down on Troy... sweeeetttt. Every time Troy says "I mean" I drink a shot, so I'm pretty fucked up already... I may be dead by the end of the game.

SlideShow Bob said...

Im pretty sure hes the other other Steve Smith, that guy in the NBA was pretty good also.

Also hell of a drive by Eli, im even more pissed that they took a knee in the same position last week against the Bucs.

Jelly B. Good said...

eeeeetsss notttt a tuuuumoorrrr....

futuremrsrickankiel said...

HAHA oh man... I have to assume this is limited to those of us watching in Baahston, but they are running these ads for the Boston globe website that basically feature Tommy from Quinzee on the phone with some chick sounding like an asshole, then the screen freezes and text appears saying "THIS IS NOT BOSTON." (The punchline is that Boston.com is, in reality, Boston.) I just find an ad campaign based on repudiating the notion that Bostonians are assholes to be hilarious. Sorry the rest of you are missing out on it.

Also, Smurphette: sorry, girl. My roommate's a Colts fan too, and she's not speaking to me.

NHZ said...

Yeah, I saw that commercial. It's a good one. I liked the one where the guy gives away his tickets to Sawx and then the same text comes up.

Fuck you, word verification.

Brother Mouzone said...

I'm from Boston, and sometimes after Drew's Masshole posts, I'm inclined to reply that we're not all like that.

And then I get this. This is an email my brother got from his boss (in Boston):

"Are you kidding me? I would be perfectly happy to watch Philip Rivers get bitch slapped up and down the field next week, but it looks as if we may be forced to face the amazing rocket arm of Billy Volek. If Rivers can't play, they shouldn't even bother flying out here. One way you can tell that game was in Indy and not New England: after clinching the win, Phillip Rivers decides to talk shit to the fans, and DOESN'T get his ass whipped. Anyone of Gillette Stadium's Massholes would've hopped the barrier and shoved a musket up his ass.



I hate Rivers more than almost any player in sports, but watching Peyton Manning get blocked like a rag doll after throwing a pick is worth a Chargers victory any day. Now to watch Eli lay an egg against the Cowboys. In a perfect world, Dallas will take care of old man Favre next week and the matchup of Brady VS. Romo will be set. Then, Two days before the Superbowl, barstoolsports.com will report that Tom Brady released a cell phone video of him banging Jessica Simpson from behind, while she chows on Gisele's stinky Brazilian box. Romo then goes into hiding, which forces Drew Bledsoe out of retirement to face his young trainee. The game will be called in the second quarter when the Pats (ahead 35-0 at this point) put Brady in at linebacker, and he cuts Bledsoe in half with a light-saber. Go Cowboys."

Spatula said...

The anger is strong with this one, Obi Wan.

Christmas Ape said...

Woooo!

Take that, play clock! That'll be the last time you tell Brandon Jacobs how much time is left to get the snap off.

SlideShow Bob said...

U wanna throw the ball at the play clock go ahead, dont as for the ball then afterwards though.

The Pirate Sloth said...

Did I just hear Aikman claim that "Crayton has the best hands on the team" yet he keeps dropping the ball?

Christmas Ape said...

Oop. Romo chokes again.

Grimey said...

WOO-HOO!! WADE IS FUCKING FIRED!!!!

The Pirate Sloth said...

So when has Romo shown that he is a Pro Bowl player? When has Romo shown that he is a star?

Grimey said...

So when has Romo shown that he is a Pro Bowl player? When has Romo shown that he is a star?

When his O-line actually blocked for him, and when Patrick Crayton actually caught passes

Russell K said...

Jason Garrett, have fun in Washington. Maybe there you can run Portis for 100 yards in the first half only to abandon the run for the rest of the game. Or call a Hail Mary pattern on 3rd and 20 with 4 minutes remaining.

Tony Sparano, have fun in Miami. Maybe there you can engineer an offensive line to completely fall apart in pass protection in the 4th quarter.

allie said...

I'm guessing romo won't be leading the league in smiles tonight.

Feta said...

As a Giants fan and a hater of the Cowboys, I couldn't be happier right now. It'll be a different story next week when the G-men choke against the Pack, but I'll enjoy the victory while I can.

mb said...

No, Romo will still lead the league in smiles tonight. Count on it.

Brave Sir Robin said...

Ape,

Sorry to make you delete it. I thought it'd be ok with the spoiler parts, but I completely understand the deletion. Still like the post though.

Stephen said...

Wooo! (1) Because I'm a Giants fan and, more importantly, (2) because I'm looking forward to BDD's Jerry Jones post.

"SOME-A-BITCH! We let those cot damn northeast faggits and that little pussy boy quarterback upstage my ROMO? ...Quit trying to suck your own titties, SPAMoo. It was fucking gut check time - that's right, gut check, Tubby Phillips - and that goddam offense implodes like the twat of the Cuban whore I banged last night while your daughter tickled my titanic, titanium-coated, Texas-sized tesicles. Why, oh why, did I hire the ghost of John Candy to coach my goddam team? ... What's that? Don't you go blaming Garrett for the offense, Chesty Morgan. The least you can do is be accountable. Fuckin' Eli Mannin' beat my team! Bring in my goddam fy'rin squawwwwd. Hold on! Before you shoot the Incredible Bulk, lemme slap his tits first. YEEEEEEE HAW! I AM FUCKING CHAFED!"

miamidiesel said...

@stephen: +1. You nailed the fat jokes!

Wow, what a day. I guess I really don't know shit about football. As a Giants fan, I'm simultaneously thrilled to take out Dallas and avenge the team's only road loss all year and mortified by everything turning to shit in Green Bay next week. Whatever. In the postgame interview, Eli had the defiant look of somebody who's finally going to get to ride shotgun with dad while big brother gets ignored in the back seat for a change. And Jacobs taking out the play clock and then asking for the ball back was random, well-executed, and hi-larious.

Also, is it just me, or does Romo look like a happy version of pre-Week 16 Eli?

smurphette said...

@futuremrs: Thanks, it would have been fun to have a rematch next week. I'm really in a bind now -- how can I cheer for either the Pats or Marmalard's team? At least the Cowboys lost.