Monday, January 14, 2008

HELP! HELP! HE’S GONNA KILL US ALL!


Wade: Oh, God no. Oh, God. Oh, this is not happening. NOT happening. 13-3 right down the toilet. Must be something I can do. Think, Wade! THINK, you ol’ dog you! He’ll be here any second. Maybe I should just start clearing out my desk now! Yes, yes! Gotta do that.

(starts clearing out desk)

Dag gummit! I can’t clean all this in time! Better take only what I truly cherish. This photo of my family and the pen my father gave me. No time for anything else!

What’s that sound? Oh, God! It’s him!

(door flies open)


Garrett: There you are! Oh, my portly comrade, we have to do something! YOU HAVE TO HELP ME, GOOD MAN! He simply won’t listen to reason!

Wade: You expect me to help you, after all you’ve done to undermine my authority?

Garrett: But you never HAD any authority to begin with! Besides, I am at the mere beginning of a very long and decorated career. Don’t you see how much I have to lose compared to you, my porky little pepperpot? Surely my various machinations against you were not meant personally, Good Sir! But you know as well as I what a cutthroat business this is consuming us! Here, now, in this terrible crucible, we must forge an unlikely bond to withstand the coming hurricane!

Wade: I don’t know…

Garrett: Please! You must trust me! I have a Princeton degree that explicitly states I am unable to fail at life. The frostbitten testicles I incurred during Sophomore streak shan’t go in vain!

Wade: Fine. FINE! What do you suggest?

Garrett: We blame… THE ITALIAN!

Wade: Sparano?

Garrett: Yes, that’s his name! Very shady fellow. Not of good heritage. Has an unpleasant odor. Looks a little like Victor Conte. I don’t care for Italians. They are a duplicitous, grabby race of people.

Wade: I don’t know. That seems awfully immoral.

Garrett: Is football a moral game, my rotund friend? Does the best man ALWAYS win? Does the scoreboard care for our transgressions? No. Football cares not for ethical values. It is strictly a game of survival, like life at its very core. You and I. WE MUST SURVIVE!

Wade: Oh, fine. We’ll blame him. He’s outta here today anyway.

Garrett: Good! Now quick! Let’s hide!

(They hide in a closet.)

Wade: (whispers) You know, you make a good point, Jason. I never felt like Tony was 100% on board with us. Going off to Bristol to film segments with Kenny Mayne. Sending tape of our practices to Parcells. Selling shoplifted pashminas in the press box during games. Entitling this week's o-line game plan "Jailbreak". I always wondered if he was the right man to help us, or if he…

(door flies open)


Jerry: WHERE IS THAT BIG FAT SHIT?! WHERE IS THAT ENORMOUS, FESTERING WASTE-OF-LIFE THAT CLOGGED UP MY SIDELINES FOR EIGHTEEN POINTLESS WEEKS?! THAT FUCKING HUMAN HOT AIR BALLOON? WHERE THE NO-GOOD, WESSON-GUZZLING MEATMUFFIN THAT RUINED MY BOY ROMO?!

Oh, I see. HIDING AGAIN, are you? Haven’t we played this game before, Peter Panna cotta? Haven’t we proved, again and again, that your fat, disgusting ass will leave an easy-to-follow, snail-like trail anywhere you go?! It’s just like a following a legless woman on the rag! I can smell the friction between your thighs, CHOKOZUNA!

(closet flies open)

Garrett: Right here, Jerry! I’ve caught him! See? I’ve found him!

Wade: “Caught” me? Why, you no-good, cotton-pickin…

Jerry: Well, well, well. If it isn’t The Cabinet of Dr. Calimari! I GOT A PEDESTAL IN MY TROPHY CASE AWAITING YOUR SORRYASS EXPLANATION, JELLYTITS! TOO BUSY COUNTING UP ALL YOUR POINTS FROM PLATE WATCHERS?!!!!

Wade: Sir, I apologize to you. I am sorry that we lost yesterday. I tried to prepare the men best I could. But, in the end, it wasn’t enough. It happens, I’ve found. You feel like you’ve done everything you can, and yet, things can still go awry. And I learned long ago not to kill myself over things I only have so much control over. I wish our effort had been good enough for you. But it wasn’t. It wasn’t good enough. And I’m not good enough. And that’s the way it is. You’ve got a younger, hungrier coach here ready to take over. And I can’t blame you for that. I’ll be packing up my things and leaving now. I’m gonna go home to my God and my family, and pray to be a better man.

Jerry: Hold up there, Tubby.

Wade: You mean, you’re not firing me?

Jerry: BAHAHAHAHAHA! Of course, I’m firing you! Nothing more fun than firing a fat man! Nothing like seeing the fat in his eye sockets droop when you let him know he’s a sorry excuse for a human being! YOU ARE FUCKING FIRED, FATSO!

Wade: Oh.

Jerry: How could you choke like that? You know why I hired you, Biglardo Tubbs? BECAUSE YOUR FAT ASS COULDN’T POSSIBLY CHOKE ON ANYTHING! You’ve got the gag reflexes of Miley Cyrus after swilling a gallon of HGH!

Wade: I don’t know.

Jerry: Well, that’s a typical answer. YOU’RE FUCKING FIRED TWICE OVER, YOU FAT FUCK.

Wade: Okay. I get it. I’ll go.

Jerry: Oh, no. I don’t think so, White Oprah. I ain’t done with you, yet. Since you are no longer in my employ, I dare say that you are hereby trespassin’ on my poppity. AND YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENS IN TEXAS WHEN YOU TRESPASS ON ANOTHER MAN’S POPPITY?!

(takes out silver-plated shotgun)

Jerry: Boys, say hello to Danielle. She’s my favorite shotgun. Used her to gun down a truckload of Guatamalan meat packers out in Odessa, and she’s never let me down. UNLIKE YOU!

Wade: HOLY SHIT! HE’S GOT A GUN! Sir! Wait! Don’t do this! It’s not right!

Jerry: If shootin’ a fat man is wrong, I DON’T WANNA BE RIGHT!

(blows hole in the wall)

Wade: Sir, you’re overreacting!

Jerry: Overreacting? My boy ROMO is a goddamn STAR! And you ruined him! You and Princeton Fag over here!

Garrett: Me? Surely you jest!

Jerry: Surely I jest? Jest this, you fucking Northern flamer.

(shoots Garrett in the head)

Jerry: That’s what you get for tryin’ to put too many ingredients in the goddamn BBQ sauce!

Wade: Oh my God. HE’S DEAD! YOU KILLED HIM!

Jerry: Didn’t I tell you I was crazy? I AM FUCKING CRAZY!

Wade: Don’t kill me, Sir. I have a wife. A family. I’m a good man!

Jerry: Oh, I’m not gonna kill you. Not yet, least. No, there’s something I’ve been wantin’ to do since the day I hired you. (undoes belt buckle) Time to put the ol’ Double-J brand on this steer!

Wade: NO, PLEASE!

Jerry: I’d tell ya to squeal like a pig, BUT YOU ARE A PIG. SO JUST FUCKING SQUEAL, WILBUR!

Wade: (pulls down pants, bends over) How did I let myself get into this?

Jerry: YEEHAW!!!!! WOOHOO!!!! TAKE THAT FLAVOR INJECTOR, RUMP ROAST!!! I AM FUCKIN’ CRAZY!!!!!

50 comments:

Upstate Underdog said...

When in doubt always blame the Italian. I guess Coughlin knows who to blame next week if the giants lose. But if you are Italian then who do you blame ?

The Pirate Sloth said...

I'm never going to be able to hear the phrase 'rump roast' without thinking of ole Jellytits and Double-J in some man love now.

Thanks Drew. Thanks a lot.

Christmas Ape said...

Albanians.

Pepster said...

I knew not to underestimate you in coming up with fat references and names, but Biglardo Tubbs really takes the cake. Kudos.

The shooting Jason Garrett - nice touch.

TK said...

[stunned silence]

Wow. Really kicked it up a notch on this one.

SlideShow Bob said...

I would of liked a double J refrence to Eli, but Kudos to u sir, never trust a Ivy leaguer.

Ben said...

This is the icing on the cake that is Dallas losing again in the playoffs.

White Oprah. Hilarious.

the great bambi said...

northern italians blame the sicilians, sicilians go to the mattresses

MannysHeadStash said...

Sick german expressionism reference.

JAMMQ said...

You think Bill Polian is doing a Deliverance on Peyton this morning?

crazyjoedavola said...

You’ve got the gag reflexes of Miley Cyrus after swilling a gallon of HGH!

I will never ever be able to watch Hannah Montana again with my 7 yr old without thinking of this line. Thanks

Captain Caveman said...

Wow. Everything always ends in gay sex around here. Maybe we really are gay.

clueheywood said...

Great post, but when does the ghost of Tom Landry come in to save Wade and kill Jerry with a samurai sword? Is Garrett the Gimp?

lauren said...

After reading this I'm glad they lost.

You sure know how to turn a frown upside down Drew!

Captain Caveman said...

You sure know how to turn a frown upside down Drew!

Lauren, does that mean you're gonna switch your photo to underboob? 'Cuz that would be totally sweet.

Bryan said...

A masterpiece.

Gourmet Spud said...

I shan't laugh harder at anything today.

lauren said...

That's a good idea CC. I need a new picture...

Brady's a douchebag said...

Any chance that Coach Shamu could flab slap Double J to death while choking down a side of beef?

SDW said...

lauren, i just wanna say that you ladies are looking great today.

Also: white Oprah? Brilliant.

Jason said...

All day yesterday during the game I kept thinking, "If they lose, JJ and Wade. If they lose, JJ and Wade."

It's a commentary on my sad life that this was like Christmas to me.

Thank you so much. Also, Chokozuna? Priceless.

Stitchface said...

Well, well, well. If it isn’t The Cabinet of Dr. Calimari!

Brilliant!

Pemulis said...

I'm going to have Deliverance music stuck in my head all day

Otto Man said...

I'm surprised Double J didn't get mad at the coordinator who called in the final play as "60 Stretch Far Llllllaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhmmmm."

Oddly enough, in that commercial, they get their asses handed to them by the Giants.

Diet Pepsi Max -- a modern-day Nostradamus.

Rant_Casey said...

Don't touch my tail you'll get it dirty.

Oh, and where is that 'Dallas lost' video? That could make anyone happy for Elisha.

Mamula Blues said...

"Just like following a legless girl on the rag"

Brilliance.

Robut M. Nixon said...

I'm not one for hyperbole, but...

Haven’t we proved, again and again, that your fat, disgusting ass will leave an easy-to-follow, snail-like trail anywhere you go?! It’s just like a following a legless woman on the rag!

...might be the single funniest thing I've ever read in my life. Cheers to you, Drew. And jeers to this rusty tailgate.

Big Tex said...

cabinet of dr. calimari. that's top drawer old boy. i hope this doesn't mean the end of wade and jerry. i have so little to live for as it is.

J.L. White said...

I dare say that you are hereby trespassin’ on my poppity.

Drew, once again you have aced the verbiage of a crazy redneck billionaire. "Poppity" is a word I shall now cherish. Good job!

H Cuz said...

Tank Johnson wants to know why he wasn't invited.

oldefreddjung said...

Am I the only one bummed by Garrett being dead? I thought he had some time left in these.

The Last Unitard said...

I imagine things flying around the room a la Poltergeist, and of course the soundtrack is Dethklok, punctuated by Wade's squeals.

Jonny Epic said...

I really hope that the next post involes Wade and Tony burying Garret's body in the woods a la goodfellas....come on Drew think about it!

dick_gozinia said...

The 'white oprah' line will have me giggling like an insane person all day.

Chamomiles Davis said...

jonny,

Why not have Sparano do it? Them eye-ties are to corpses what pirates are to treasure chests.

Double-J > Mr. Larrity from Code Monkeys

Porky1 said...

Garrett will survive his head wound. He has to. But he may be a little...slower.

Anthoer fine day at Wade's office. Did anyone else laugh at the shot of Wade and Jerry on the sidelines with about :54 seconds to go? I wish I could have screencapped it. And dammit, all I was thinking was "oh no" and "yeeeehawww!"

smurphette said...

Between Marmalard, Wade & Jerry, the Manning sisters, and Reggie Nelson, this is the best day of posts in a really long time. You guys really know how to cheer a girl up after a devastating loss :)

Leaking Geek said...

TAKE THAT FLAVOR INJECTOR, RUMP ROAST!!!

Somehow Sunday Dinner will never be the same...

Wade and Double J make this Dallas fan smile in spite of the Sunday Chokorama.

quiet strength said...

@smurphette - At least there's still the Pacers, right?

/twisting the knife

Francois Leroux Speedskater said...

Wade'll persevere, til Jerry sics Chigurh on him. Then we'll have some trouble.

And if Wade's Biglardo Tubbs, who's going to be his Betty Crockett?

smurphette said...

@quiet strength: Yes, thanks for that. After the year the Colts and the Irish have had, I am inclined to swear off sports for good. But it's like a bad hangover -- I might say I'll never drink again, but we all know that's a lie.

quiet strength said...

Yes, I'm a Notre Dame fan also - but at least we can console ourselves with the signing of Dayne Crist; yet another douchey, metrosexual quarterback...

smurphette said...

I'm more excited about the defensive recruits and the wideouts Walker and Floyd. Plus, my roommate and I were football tutors when we were at school, so we're excited that our guys are going to be in the spotlight this year.

allie said...

I have noticed an inordinate number of posts prominently featuring guy-on-guy action lately. not that there's anything wrong with a little buttfucking, but... I don't know how to end that sentence.

smurphette said...

Well this IS the gay mafia, after all . . .

Porky1 said...

Come on y'all, buttsex is only GAY if there's LOVE involved. Otherwise it's just good clean Greek fun.

The Meast Lives Forever said...

If Double J tried to shoot Jellytits, it would just bounce off. Much easier to kill Guatamalan meat packers than a fat fuck...just ask the Texas State Police.

ben said...

You must - and I mean must - check out the way that Jason Garrett kisses his wife, Brill.

"Girls have cooties, let's not get too close."

And WTF kind of name is "Brill"?

Otto Man said...

Wow, that is one hot kiss.

Brill is a sexy, sassy name straight out of the movies. Indeed, Gene Hackman played a character by that same name in "Enemy of the State," a movie which is great on many levels, not least of which is Jason Lee getting mowed down by a crosstown bus.

yournamehere said...

Life-long Cowboys fan, and that is one of the funniest things I've ever read.