Wednesday, January 30, 2008

KSK Celebrity Pickkake: Jennifer Love Hewitt

The celebrity Super Bowl pick is a time-honored tradition, one we at KSK are super fucking excited to be a part of, as we have in the past. For the next two weeks, stars from the world of entertainment, politics, and more will drop by to make their picks for the big game in the Pink Taco! Up next, it's Jennifer Love Hewitt!

Can I just say something? I'd like to say something about all the comments that have been made about my body? I don't care if you said it or not. I know you were thinking it. Oh, trust me, I know.

You know, it's not like all of YOU are perfect, okay? I mean, New England is almost perfect, but that doesn't make them RIGHT! There are a lot of teams right now struggling with their identity, okay? And just because you FREEKS are masturbating to people besides me is no reason for you to...I just (sobs)...you guys are just so mean...I just...I know it's big down there...I've tried pilates...I've tried Jenny Craig...it's just really (sobs)...it's hard for me...Valerie Bertinelli makes it look so easy...(sobs) Can I get a tissue please? ...Can someone...will someone bring me a goddamn tissue? ...I just don't...HEY WILL ONE OF YOU GET ME A FUCKING TISSUE?!?!

Valerie, if you so much as pass me on the street I will fucking kill you. You perky little bitch. "Oooh, look at me! I lost all this weight! It's so easy!" Go fall down a goddamn well, you Paisan whore! Kirstie Alley and I are going to eat you like a pack of wild boars! Nobody crosses J-LOVE! NEVE CAMPBELL TRIED THAT SHIT AND HAVE YOU HEARD FROM HER LATELY? NO I GUESS NOT SO SHUT IT! YOU MAKE ME TOUCH YOUR HANDS FOR STUPID REASONS! BITCH!

So, next time guys? Just be cool, okay? Hee-hee. That was a real laugh, I swear.

45 comments:

Jim U. said...

Needs "I'd still hit it" tag.

MMP said...

No. No it doesn't

devang said...

I'd still hit Valerie Bertinelli

/giant douche

Upstate Underdog said...

her boobs still look good.

MMP said...

She looks great. I like a big ass, actually.

I just can't stand her as a person. She's always struck me as a somewhat two-faced bizzle. Hence the no vote.

Unabashed Douchebag said...

I'd still hit J-Love, even though i might need a prybar to get her phat cheeks spread wide enough for my mediocre unit to reach the desired destination

/likes big butts

Ruthless Gravity said...

Not looking to move in with her, just smash it and never call.

My Insignificant Life said...

sorry for not having tissues readily available to wipe your tears; been busy masterbating to people besides you.

/Otherwise, I'd hit it.

Goob Pistol said...

@underdog: the tits are still nice, but they strike an eerie similarity to cold war-era ICBMs.

/hides under desk

KC Cal said...

Dunno if anyone noticed, but she never really made a "pick"

And yeah, I agree, where's the I'd still hit it tag?

Pemulis said...

I'd give her an Osi between the cans

Grimey said...

/jerks self raw

quiet strength said...

She's real big in Japan. No, I mean as a musician...

peter king crowned my ass said...

@kc cal: she obv. has commitment issues.

Unabashed Douchebag said...

I think we should be more tolerant. It's possible that she needs the extra weight in her caboose to keep her from flying away in the event that those giant ears pick up a gust of wind.

Clock Cleaner said...

Your such n ass wipe n bastert!! I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU MORE THAN ANYTHING IN THIS DAMN WORLDDDDDDDDD



yeah, i caught it

devang said...

I know women have a murderous hatred for JLW. Wonder why?

Care to offer some insight futuremrs or smurphette?

Otto Man said...

Jennifer Love Donut.

denvergodfather said...

+1 otto man

futuremrsrickankiel said...

Personally, devang, I like the J-Love. I'm a sucker for "Can't Hardly Wait." Plus, we're both members of the long hair/big ass diva club.

Also, fat people in bathing suits make me giggle. So I really can't bring any negativity to the table on this one.

Smurphette and her fine blue self may feel differently.

wrecking_ball said...

Do pardon, but exactly what is wrong with that picture? Yum.

ann said...

I'd hit it.

J.L. White said...

@ Devang

I know women have a murderous hatred for JLW

Women only hate me because after I give them a wonderful night of love-making, I brew them a cup of coffee mixed with my herpes-infested semen.

J.L. White said...

BTW, I'd offer that same package to J-love at any time, even if she ballooned to 300 pounds.

pain-ther fan said...

@furturemrs

You aren't the lady, who dressed up in a wedding gown and proposed to Tom Brady yesterday? I would have sworn I recognized her.

/i would also hit it, for current lack of other options.

Andy said...

Still hot

JohnDewar said...

She's peeing in the ocean in this picture, isn't she?

smurphette said...

In high school I wasn't a huge fan because other girls my age would idolize her and it turned them into shrill idiots. But I didn't hate her or anything, and I liked her in Can't Hardly Wait when it came out sophomore year. And frankly, any annoying traits she may have had pale in comparison to Sarah Jessica Parker and the chick from Grey's Anatomy.

Suss said...

She sure did a lot of crying. So does that mean she's picking the Chargers?

Greg said...

don't cry jennifer...you look fat when you cry.

pain-ther fan said...

I dunno guys, if you maximize the picture (to reveal the tag on the photo "whatever tubby", classic) you can see the lower arm fat being restricted by the little rubber bracelet thats clinging on for dear life. I think she may be very close to maximum density...I'd still do her.

NYCPonderings Chick said...

she has ass and she has boobs..i dont get it...she looks good...people are overreacting, maybe she is overreacting...regardless she is still hot, fat ass or no fat ass

pain-ther fan said...

I'm guessing about a buck sixty three. Not saying shes fat, more ...howdoyousay....plump

devang said...

@J.L. White

Ah fuck, gotta learn to proofread my own shit before correcting other people.

allie said...

agreed, smurphette. the girl from grey's anatomy needs to be repeatedly slapped across the face until she quits her stupid melodramatic bullshit. no, you're not "dark and twisty". you're boring, and annoying, and crazy, and WILL YOU STOP YOUR FUCKING WHINING ALREADY.

on a related note, my home state's representative to miss america described it as "the birthplace of dr. mcdreamy". yes, that's the greatest contribution we've made to america, you stupid twit.

hmm, I seem to be feeling rather cantankerous today...

mamacita said...

I'd hit it.

Jackin'4Beats said...

Smack it up, flip it, rub it down, OH NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

And I'd hit it.

Otto Man said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Biggus Rickus said...

It's not that I wouldn't it, but rather that I wouldn't fantasize about hitting it. In the end, isn't masturbation fuel the raison d'etre of models and actresses (at least the shitty, annoying ones)?

Jelly B. Good said...

The picture sorta makes me have flashbacks to visions of Christy Canyon in some of her later appearances when some poor schmoe would be be banging her big sloppy snatch from behind and every loose slap of flesh is flapping in the breeze...

/i'd hit it

Chip Fu said...

What's with all the "I'd hit it" comments?? The whole point of the internet is to nitpick and find flaws with even the hottest of women, much less those who look like real women.

Get your shit together people.

She looks like Corky from Life Goes On in that picture.

Becky said...

I used to hate her for her giant boobs. Now I sympathize for her giant ass.

Leaking Geek said...

Slaps ass, rides wave in.

'Nuff said

Manas said...

ahhhhhh the good old days

Brian said...

I'd hit it, esp with smurphette