Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Osi Umenyiora Wants To Poop On You


Osi Umenyiora, who has a long tradition of liking to freak you nasty, is getting ready to face the Packers in the NFC title game on Sunday. And nothing helps Osi relax before the big game like paying three grand to unload his bowels on some random chick. Click here (NSFW) for all the alleged (and almost certainly false) details.

Yep, he flew me to Atlanta with my kids for some event that he had with another player and wanted the same request. Then I spent some time with him nearby while a music video was being shot at his house!! He wanted me to have sex with him and one of his brothers at the same time. He also wanted me to try it with another one of his teammates that was staying there. I said no because I didn't want to be passed around like that. He did buy my jewelry. The diamond snow ball. Oh and all the me money. I did invite a friend to join us (My hot girl "L" that has done shoots with me) and he wanted to DEFECATE on her in his bathtub. My GOSH she let him do it but I wanted no part. I'm a freak, but my gosh.

The next time I was with him he offered me 3 grand if I let him defecate on me and I said no. He told me to leave and so I did. The next time he asked and I did and I accepted the 3 grand. And it became a regular thing. He began flying me to Florida and Atlanta last summer paying my bills, giving me money for my kids as long as I let him well, "shit" on me. He was in Atlanta for a major taping for "work" he said at his house and that night he told me to defecate on him. Of course he said he was joking but i reallly wonder.


Whatsa matter, dear? Don't want the Hot Carl from a 300 lb. lineman who eats 8,000 calories a day? This guy must make turds the size of a fucking steamer trunk. How can you resist that?

And to think, Eli's idea of being kinky is to masturbate with the lights on. Things are different on the other side of the ball, indeed.

By the way, I have a feeling that a "diamond snowball" is not a kind of jewelry.

46 comments:

flubby said...

Big deal, Winston Justice let Osi shit on him on national television.

Christmas Ape said...

Things are different on the other side of the ball, indeed.

Najeh Davenport tends to disagree.

I'm in a Frat said...

Yukkies.

Otto Man said...

Well played, Flubby.

I've got to imagine his shits are the size of those mounds elephants leave behind. I hope she's got scuba gear.

Christmas Ape said...

Eli stays away from the chocolate. He just licks the cream.

Nashville Steeler Fan said...

well,.....shit..i got nothing

Chris said...

this is a comment just to post a comment.


and no way that blog is real.

larry b said...

Osi's going about things all wrong with this requesting bullshit. The old adage holds true: it's easier to ask for forgiveness than permission.

smurphette said...

Where the hell were her kids while that first paragraph was going on? I hope that "music video" wasn't for R.Kelly.

@ape: The DSRL is the gift that keeps on giving.

Upstate Underdog said...

damn, my wife threatens to divorce me every time I fart in bed.

BC Funderburk said...

first, chick has a nice rack.

so 3k is the going rate for getting crapped on. that's not bad if you can score a few of those week.

the great bambi said...

this is not what i wanted to come back to lunch to...

any other time yes, but after eating???

SlideShow Bob said...

Sheiiiiiiiiiiiiit

devang said...

Osi Pooponherya

/I'll show myself out now.

Big Daddy Drew said...

first, chick has a nice rack.

Thanks for confirming that for us. We had no idea what to think of it!

Tech N9ne's Tribute to Falco said...

Eli's a big fan of the suicide girls.

Camp Tiger Claw said...

Which magazine do you think he reads while he shits on a woman?

Jelly B. Good said...

@devang: "Pooponherya" - I just pissed myself

Grimey said...

Osi U-manure-a?

devang said...

@Camp Tiger Claw +1

Scheisse World?

The Last Unitard said...

Just don't get it in my hair. I just washed it.

Otto Man said...

Which magazine do you think he reads while he shits on a woman?

I imagine it's got to be a fresh copy of that morning's Cleveland Plain Dealer.

Booder said...

I thought it was a 'steamer' trunk. Although using 'steamer' in this thread might be overkill.

the great bambi said...

i think the girl who agreed right away is Carman's mom

ColeTrain said...

Wow, are we talking a solid dump after a healthy meal with lots of fiber and vegetables, or a splattery mess after eating pizza, chips and slugging beer?

Jim U. said...

@Otto man - The Journal of the American Gastroenterology Association.

dick_gozinia said...

+1 for grimey

Am I completely delusional in that I remember a story about Jerry Springer giving a hooker the "cleveland steamer"?

J.L. White said...

Ironic thing is, per the terms of their divorce, Michael Strahan's ex gets to poop on him at least twice a week.

Nashville Steeler Fan said...

Which magazine do you think he reads while he shits on a woman?




Field and Stream ...I was just...LEAVING!, what a great idea

quiet strength said...

Triumph wants to know what the big deal is.

the george said...

Don't talk poorly of people until you've put yourself in their shoes. Or in Osi Umenyiora's bathrub. Under his anus. Getting pooped on.

futuremrsrickankiel said...

I love the juxtaposition of uppity self-righteousness ("I said no because I didn't want to be passed around like that") while simultaneously ceding that she is, in fact, a whore ("He did buy my jewelry"). What a classy broad.

Rally Monkey Spanker said...

Tony Romo wants to know what the big deal is? He's been shitting on Dallas fans in the playoffs for two years now. And counting!

Rally Monkey Spanker said...

And you have a story about shitting on some ho and no mention of playing Scat-egories?

NHZ said...

It's always heartwarming to read about professional athletes who make a difference in others' lives.

Leaking Geek said...

The Cleveland Steamer was fine for 3 Gs, but no amount would buy him a Dirty Sanchez.

A girl has her standards you know...

Also, How much is a Dirty Sanchez Rookie Card worth?

Undead Zombie Horde said...

I call bullshit.

1) what kind of whore refuses $3000?
2) what kind of whore uses the word "gosh?"

quiet strength said...

@mrs - There's this crackwhore who lives on the first floor of my apartment and the other day while waiting for the elevator, I heard her screaming to someone, "I ain't no slut! I ain't no slut! I get paid, bitch...I'm a whore!" I always thought they were synonymous.

The point is that there seems to be some weird ethics manual.

Guiness319 said...

Was the "video" 2girls1cup?

WI Browns Fan said...

Instead of doing that fake jump shot that the Giants lineman do after a sack or TFL, they can just pretend to blow ass fudge on a chick's chest.

I bet this guy's toilet was relieved for the time off though.

Mac G said...

I love in 2008 that whores go to the internet to spread their defecation stories. Awesome. The price of freaky sex seems rather high.

The Sports Hernia said...

"And to think, Eli's idea of being kinky is to masturbate with the lights on. Things are different on the other side of the ball, indeed."

Fucking brilliant.

Adam Callan said...

I could see why he'd want pinch a loaf on her face. Brutal!

Slash said...

Since it comes from a blog with such an illustrious legacy, it must be true.

I like that her line is urination is OK, but poo is out of the question. Because someone taking a leak on you is kinda like having sex, it involves the same organ, but poo... nuh-uh, no way.

And she took her kids with her to Atlanta. What a good mom. My mom usually wouldn't even let us go to the grocery store with her. Bitch.

RobbieS said...

@ slideshow bob
+1
I'm surprised you didn't get more love for that comment.

On that tangent, who on The Wire would deal with this...shit? I bet Rhonda does.

MagMur said...

Osi you are the sexiest nigga alive. You can shit on me for free anytime you want!