Tuesday, January 22, 2008

I Was Thinking About Having A Ham Sandwich For Lunch. But I Haven’t Quite Committed To It Yet


(phone rings)

Brett Favre: Hello?

Tony Dungy: Hey, Brett. It's Tony again.

Brett: Hi, Tony. What’s up?

Tony: Well, I did what you said.

Brett: You leaked rumors of your retirement, only to announce that you were coming back, so that everyone would love you more?

Tony: Yes! Yes, I did exactly that.

Brett: Did you say it was a difficult decision?

Tony: Oh, yeah. They ate that right up.

Brett: Did you say you had to mull it over with your family?

Tony: Yes! Yes, I did. And they bought it! They’re so stupid like that. Who holds a goddamn offsite with their family to talk about a job?

Brett: They love the family angle. Now, tell me, Tony: did you make sure only to commit for one more year?

Tony: Yes, one year only.

Brett: Excellent. Excellent job. That way, everyone remains in your thrall for a whole other year while you “think about it”. It’s like having a farewell tour every year. AND it gives the media a story they can recycle over and over again, without having to think of new angles. “Is this Tony’s last game coaching the Colts? If so, what a class act he was!” They love that shit.

(drinks a fifth of Scotch)

Tony: My thoughts exactly. You really know your way around this stuff.

Brett: Oh, thanks.

Tony: So, what else is going on with you?

Brett: Well, I was thinking about having a ham sandwich for lunch. But I haven’t quite committed to it yet. Have to talk with Deanna and the kids about it. You know? It’s a long morning. And I can’t tell you how I’ll feel about a ham sandwich from one hour to the next. I really enjoyed the last ham sandwich. But do I have it in me to go another round? Not sure. I can't have a ham sandwich if my heart's not in it. Tell you the truth, I hadn’t put much thought into it. None at all.

Tony: Damn, you’re good.

21 comments:

MMP said...

Fucker. Now I'm hungry.

Pemulis said...

It's hard to think while PK is slobbering all over your weiner.


well that's what I've heard anyway.

Otto Man said...

I heard Brett likes to mix in a handful of Vicodin into the bottle of scotch.

It's like a hardcore version of Skittlebrau.

Phony Gwynn said...

I was going to make a Deanna Favre joke, but realized I already did in the Hawking thread.

Way to fuck up a man's timing, BDD.

J.L. White said...

Boy, I really hope he has that ham sandwich for lunch. Of all the cherished memories I have of him eating ham sandwiches, I'd hate to think that he already ate his last one. He's just like a kid out there, taking two slices of bread out of the bag. And talk about spreading on the mayo, hoo boy, he's a real gunslinger! Nobody can pile on slices of Ham as gritty and scrappy as Brett can.

When it comes to all of the great ham sandwich-eaters, Brett Favre is the one I'd like to sodomize the most!

Big Daddy Drew said...

+1 jl

Pemulis said...

hamslinger?

The Big Picture said...

michael jordan never understood this concept.

the Associated Dress said...

When the dog steps in on the short toss of the sandwich from cutting board to plate, it really makes you wonder if that is his last ham sandwich. Nobody wants to end a meal on an error like that.

Grimey said...

How the hell is David Carr still eating ham sandwiches?

Phony Gwynn said...

You know who we should ask about Brett Favre's retirement?

Turkey sub.

J.L. White said...

Chris Mortensen is reporting that Brett Favre has agreed to have the ham sandwich for lunch, but only if the Green Bay Packers supply some of that pricey Havarti cheese and some horseradish to replace the aging mayo.

Rally Monkey Spanker said...

No matter how bad a ham sandwich Brett makes, he know nobody will ever say anything bad about him. In fact, sportswriters like Peter King will make up BS to justify not bashing him for making a cappy ham sandwich.

Carson said...

Drew: I pulled the dead celeb prank with heath ledger today...but then i found out he actually died. how ironic.

smurphette said...

This little scheme wouldn't work for long. If Bill Polian ever got sick of this act, he'd just sign Jeff Garcia to replace Sorgi and force Dungy's hand. Caldwell would be running the show before you could say "homophobe."

Steven said...

You know nobody but nobody can eat a ham sandwich like Brett Favre. He just has such enthusiasm like a little kid no matter how many years he's been eating them. He still woofs them down like an eager five year old.

el sucko said...

man, this guy is a sandwich artist.

DeCAF! said...

Dude, you should do another Simmons thing! It's so awesome when you show him what a bitch he is! You so know he just reads it and feels so stupid! Please do another Simmons post! You haven't done one in like two days! Just do it! By the way, have I mentioned how sweet it is when you do Simmons like that? You're like the only one on the web doing that!

DeCAF! said...

C'mon...delve into the latest Simmons column and show him what a bitch he is!

DeCAF! said...

Look, fuckhead, I've been waiting for 3 minutes and you haven't posted anything about Bill Simmons. I thought that was your thing? The least that you could do for me is put out your tired Jerry Jones/Wade Phillips bullshit. No wait, do a Simmons thing where you totally put him in his place! Fuck yeah!

DeCAF! said...

WHEN DO I GET A FUCKING SIMMONS RELATED POST?