Wednesday, January 9, 2008

A Twinkle in Time

AFC 1st Seed -- New England Patriots (*-0)

[Jan. 19, 2002]

Phil Simms: A season hanging in the balance. Here comes the ruling from Walt Coleman.

Walt Coleman: [On PA] After reviewing the play, the quarterback went through a forward throwing motion, brought the ball back into his body, then fumbled it. Therefore, the ruling on the field stands. First down Oakland.

Greg Gumbel: And it's all academic from here on out. Charles Woodson forces the Brady fumble and the Raiders fall on it. A fine season from New England's young quarterback, taking over early in relief of starter Drew Bledsoe, but it will come to an end here this evening. Meanwhile, the Raiders will move on to meet the winner of tomorrow's Steelers-Ravens game in Pittsburgh. And head coach Bill Belichick falls to 1-2 in three career playoff games.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Six years later]

[Quincy Bean Cannery]

Robert: Ay, ay, loogit what I found in little Tommy Brady's lockah. Under all the straaaberry rubbahs and pahsitive pregnancy tests.



Brady: Aw, come on, man. Stay out of my stuff. I'm trying to stay up on Manu Chao.

Mike: Bet ya'd like tah git ya some a'that, eh? Ya fackin' Caleefourkneeah queeah.

I know I'd tear that ass up right propah. She's good and rail thin, but she could benefit from having a little less of the ethnic in her, ya know? Waaaa's she from, Brazil? She might be some jungle bitch a' something. Have a caaaapybarrrra a' something crawl outta the cunt. Like my dick should be wearin' a pith helmet.

Robert: Ay, Brady. What'd I tell ya abaat wearing Yankees shit ahn tha jab? Ya think cause yoo use'ta play a little bawl with the Paytree-uts, the rules dan't apply to ya?

Mike: Like the Paytree-uts are even a fackin' team. I ain't never even been ta one-a their games. Fackin' loosuhs. Haaadly worthy of my loyal allegiance.

Robert: Face it: If ya ain't on the Sawx in this town, ya ain't shit, pally. If you play for the Paytree-uts, should should prahbabbly just kill yaself. Like that one colored who showed his face here last week and killed hisself by getting his car door slammed in his face a couple dozen times or so.

[both laugh]

Mike: Ay, Tommy. I need to see ya the break room.

Brady: [exhales hard] Not now, man. I'm trying to get some work done.

Mike: Am I fackin' askin' ya? Move ya shit, shitbawx.

Robert: You fackin' tell 'um, super Mike. Super Mike Forevah!

[break room]





Mike:[opening refrigerator] Those ya tacquitos right there?

Brady: [peering in] Uh, nope. Not mine.

[Mike pulls knife around Brady's neck and bends him over a table]

Mike: Good. So I'll have something to eat after ya give up that ass!

[Pulls down Brady's pants and forcibly enters him]

Brady: [stifled screams under Mike's hand]





Clarence: Ddddrrrreeeaaammmmboat.

Brady: Clarence!

Clarence: What a horrifying turn of events. I can make it all as it was, Tom. I just need to know that you've learned the values of fairplay and humility. That you're ready to stop headbutting your teammates and pretending like you're a major badass so long as you have some Norse woodsman protecting your blindside.



Can you forswear the avarice and lustful pride that twisted your once pure spirit? And for fuck's sake, are you done with the pageboy caps and velvet blazers, Nancy?

Brady: [breaths bated by the continuing penetration] Oh, I have learned those things. I am prepared to live by that code. I've changed, Clarence, really I have.

Clarence: So we're ready then?

Brady: No...no.

I'm pretty sure I'm good here, actually.

Clarence: But, but, Tom! The accolades? The titles? The fame? The glory? The Andrea Kremer restraining orders? Riches attending a legacy that will live on for generations? Don't you see a mistake it would be to throw it all away? All this you would abandon in favor of occasional coerced buttsex in a bean cannery break room by a galatically douchey Masshole?

Brady: That's about the [winces sharply]...ooof, the long and short of it, yeah. I mean, so long as he shares those tacquitos.

65 comments:

quiet strength said...

After last night, words can't explain my hatred for that entire section of the country. Bradley effect...no let's not elect the next JFK, he's black...George Bush 2.0...so pissed...

On another thought, great work on the Hater's Guide, Ape. The variety and creativity are fantastic.

SlideShow Bob said...

Maybe the title should have been "A Twink in Time"

Comicbook Guy said...

The Andrea Kramer restraining orders?
Love the Haters Guide. Keep hating, we'll keep winning.

smurphette said...

You knocked the Indy one out of the park, but you saved the best for last. Fantastic. I heart haterade!

Leaking Geek said...

All this you would abandon in favor of occasional coerced buttsex in a bean cannery break room by a galatically douchey Masshole?

Pure Gold!

One question - isn't galactically douchy Masshole redundant? Just sayin...

Gourmet Spud said...

You fackin' tell 'um, super Mike.

Ho-lee shit, that was funny.

MemphisRaines said...

Brilliant work Ape - I like the season record for the Pats at the top the best - (*-0)

peter king crowned my ass said...

You fags are on top of your game.

Cousins of Ron Mexico said...

Filthy

Smello said...

Oh, quiet strength, let's not be too hard on my people. At least they didn't pick the wingnut who doesn't believe in evolution.

And, it was a fucking fumble. Urge. To. Kill. Rising.

flubby said...

Ape failed to mention that the S&B won the Super Bowl in this alternate universe and Al Davis retired after the win.

Now to huff some more spray paint.

futuremrsrickankiel said...

So what's really concerning me is this: does Clarence get his wings?



must... not... be... a... Masshole...

Otto Man said...

Absolutely brilliant.

Except for one thing -- I'm not sure there really are mouthbreathing Massholes named "Robert." Just doesn't seem right. I don't know, maybe if this "Robert" posted here and let us know of his presence, I might believe in it. But until then, I have to believe this is all fiction.

Upstate Underdog said...

Fah-kin wicked awesome post Ape.

DeezeNutz said...

"I know I'd tear that ass up right propah"

This sounds like dialect from Old England, not New England.

Also, it seems you've saved the worst for last. What a shame. That asterisk, that is some good stuff. I've never seen a joke be so original.

Great site, even with the rare miss.

Matt said...

@ Flubby

Al Davis retire? There aren't enough drugs on the planet to induce that hallucination.

The Last Unitard said...

A DS/KSK crossover warms the cockles.

Phony Gwynn said...

Hey guys, check it out! A vagina has evolved to the point that it can read! And type!

And, in a hilarious turn of events, it has chosen a testicle reference as its screenname! Brilliant!

Pepster said...

I have been wondering how the haters were gonna treat thte Patriots (as opposed to every other time the Pats are mentioned here), and this was gold. Just the premise itself was awesome, much less the jokes contained in the actual entry.

Not that my opinion counts for anything - but great work.

Dave said...

I loves me some tacquitos!

smurphette said...

Aww, looks like deezenutz is a little jealous that robert and supermike were included in the post and he wasn't.

Jay said...

I can see why Brady stayed. That breakroom is facking pissah.

Great job.

DeezeNutz said...

Really Phony, I am a super evolved vagina? Because I didn't like the post all that much? Huh?

Well, i'm sure you are just trying to flatter me, so, thank you very much.

BTW, it would be the best thing ever if I were to be in a KSK post. So yes, I am jealous.

THE Chicago Jones said...

Tacquitos have now been ruined for me what with the mental image association and all.

Excellent work.

futuremrsrickankiel said...

Honestly, smurphette, I think all us Massholes are a little envious of those singled out for inclusion... kind of makes me wish I was more insufferable. I might have to work on that.

Um, fuck everyone! Especially the Coltspackerscowboysgiantsjaguarschargersseahawks!

Rargh.

futuremrsrickankiel said...

...wish I WERE more insufferable.

Sorry.

Pemulis said...

But isnt the cannery life an alternate universe? what then becomes of the real present day if he stays? Can he then go back in time with clarence and give himself a sports almanac? Should he go back in time and put some money on the cubbies? do hoverboards work on water ?

Matt said...

Money on the cubbies. That's funny.

Chris(BessMervinGirlDetective) said...

I am glad I am from TN. They play my brand of football. Nice and bland nothing flashy.

Now I am off to enjoy a nice frosty glass of ice milk.

Phony Gwynn said...

Nah, man, I just hate - fucking H-A-T-E - that, with the consistent and utterly excellent work that these guys do on this site, without getting paid for it, that people bag on them for a joke at their team's expense, or that they didn't like one little part, or wah wah wah.

You want to unleash some "constructive criticism"? Go bag on the enemahogs at TBL or most of the Fanhouse.

Christmas Ape said...

We'd like to get paid for it, but we're lazy to monetize our dick jokes.

Matt said...

"We'd like to get paid for it"

That's what she said?

The Last Unitard said...

Perhaps an addendum to the post, featuring Deezenutz watching the Brady/Supermike cornholing from over by the foozball table whilst masturbating furiously would restore the perfect harmony we have come to expect.

Christmas Ape said...

I also wanted to do a second part where Bill was still with Debby Belichick even though she constantly emasculated him and slept around with plebes at the Naval Academy, since nobody else wanted Bill because he was a two-time failure as a head coach.

Damn space constraints.

Pemulis said...

space constraints? did you reach the end of this series of tubes or something?

Christmas Ape said...

eh, the post was long

DeezeNutz said...

Seems someone thinks KSK needs a bodyguard to protect them against the meanies. And Phony has volunteered; he refuses to hear dissension. I think that KSK has their shit covered, and they don't need you. There have been no shortage of Patriots posts, and I have laughed at all, save one, Mr. Commentcop. You needn't police me, and you look stupid trying.

devang said...

I can understand high visible players like Brady getting a textual anal rape, but I think you'd have more material on the double headed douchiness (Ohio State & Pats) that is Mike Vrabel.

OSU perennially losing the National Championship (Sad douche Vrabel) and Pats perennially winning the SB (Smarmy douche Vrabel).

Phony Gwynn said...

That's "Mr. Commentcop And A Half" to you, buddy.

I'm really tall.

Leaking Geek said...

Cut to Deez & Phony running hand in hand across a sun-dappled field while "Age of Aquarius" lilts hauntingly in the background...

Can't we all just get along?!?!?!

smurphette said...

If there's an addendum for deezenutz, you ought to grant futuremrs her wish, perhaps as one of Brady's knocked-up girlfriends?

@futuremrs: the fact that you correct your own grammar makes me less inclined to think you are a masshole, since I do the same thing.

Christmas Ape said...

Deezenuts is waiting outside the break room to make sure the shift supervisor doesn't get wise to what's going on. For that, he gets to smell Mike's fingers.

dickey simpkins said...

I want 3 Back to the Future movies made immediately detailing life after the fumble. Imagine a world where the Sports Guy wasn't an insufferable cockgoblin? Where Manning won 4 Super Bowls because there was no one to choke against? Where Randy Moss is still a bitch, AND where Bill Belichick is a bad coach?

Jelly B. Good said...

so smurphette, if futuremrs isn't a masshole, doesn't that just make her a hole? giggity...

dickey simpkins said...

Also the Norse woodsmen line was excellent. He looks like Beowulf on his day off.

Chamomiles Davis said...

That last part read like the aborted screenplay to Good Will Hunting II.

Tech N9ne's Tribute to Falco said...

Factual inaccuracies: Otto's right, no one is called Robert, It would be 'Bobby,' "Fauhkin Bahbby,' or "liddle Bahbby Shitcan.' Also, Brady would have been gang raped on his way to the cannery had he been wearing a NY hat, and there should have been at least one reference to murph, sully, and petey takin somebody's mom outside and 'fingha bahnged her wit a ball ping hammah.'

That said, does Bellichek wear a clean sweatshirt with full sleeves in this alternate future?

Christmas Ape said...

@Otto Man, @tech nine:

Noted. It was included as a fuck-you to our favorite commenter who isn't Clint.

GorgeousGeorge said...

Um, Ape, I didn't want anyone to know I was there. You blew up my spot, thank you very much.

Pemulis said...

@ tech nine:

no, he wears a suit, runs a casino and bought my mom boob implants. then he tried to kill me when i mentioned the sports almanac while he was in the hot tub with like 6 other milfs.

dickey simpkins said...

@pemulis...

The rooftop confrontation you two have is spectacular.

futuremrsrickankiel said...

Just for the record: grammatically conscientious though I may be, the donning of my #12 jersey and the downing of a few Boston Lagers makes me the worst kind of person.

I would never allow myself to get knocked up by a cannery worker from Quincy, however. I'd at least insist on a dockworker from Chelsea.

If we're talking alternate universe, I'd love to see Randy Moss dutifully showing up to practice 5 minutes early and taking copious notes during film-watching. And Wes Welker? Black.

Otto Man said...

Noted. It was included as a fuck-you to our favorite commenter who isn't Clint.

Oh, I know. I was trolling for our favorite Masshole to make an appearance, if only to complain that you described the break room all wrong.

The Last Unitard said...

A black Welkah would make the whole team more likeable. Except to Pats fans.

Christmas Ape said...

I'm sure Robert'll check in sometime around 3 tomorrow morning. He knows that way his comment will stay up for a few hours before we delete it.

The Pirate Sloth said...

No Koolaid represent?

I'm disappointed. I want some construda up in this muthafucka.

Mike said...

I know you don't care what I think, Ape, but I think if you had gone for the BB alternate reality joke instead of the Brady one, it would have been funnier. The jokes in this post just seemed a little played out to me.

Unlike Deezenutz, I don't care that you rip on my team because you rip on every team. Fair is fair.

Joel said...

For the record, the Pats already have (had?) a black Welker: Troy Brown

DeezeNutz said...

Mike

I said I liked the Pats rips. Did you actually read the comments. So I guess you "like" not "unlike".

Crazy said...

My name is Robert and I lived in Boston for a while. I don't have a thick accent though

miamidiesel said...

A tour de force effort Ape, with a real portrait of average Massholes - their inability to remember having a football team before 2001, being racist, being violently gay, having an accent that sounds like someone stomped their nuts back into their abdomen, and generally being retarded.

Also, it's gotta bug the crap out of Massholes that outside of their wet dreams, Brady wears Yankees hats and spends his off days in NYC rather than Boston.

Slash said...

RE Chamomiles Davis said...
That last part read like the aborted screenplay to Good Will Hunting II.

Word. In fact, I read parts of it aloud in Matt Damon's voice.

the great bambi said...

matt dayyymon

pain-ther fan said...

@ Chamomile & Slash

Shouldn't that be "good Will Hunting II, Hunting Season"?

Fucking classic ape,

Peter said...

Tech N9ne's Tribute to Falco :"Factual inaccuracies: Otto's right, no one is called Robert, It would be 'Bobby,' "Fauhkin Bahbby,' or "liddle Bahbby Shitcan.' Also, Brady would have been gang raped on his way to the cannery had he been wearing a NY hat, and there should have been at least one reference to murph, sully, and petey takin somebody's mom outside and 'fingha bahnged her wit a ball ping hammah.'"

hahaha that rules.

"little bahbby shitcan"

"finga banged her wit a ball ping hammah!"

goddamn. how do you guys even know how people in the masshole talk so well? its kind of uncanny. Still not as irritating and brainless sounding as "dialects" in jersey, looaung island or any where in the south. Massholes just generally talk more lude and tasteless than most of them except new yorkers