Monday, January 28, 2008

KSK Celebrity Pickkake: Gilbert Gottfried

The celebrity Super Bowl pick is a time-honored tradition, one we at KSK are super fucking excited to be a part of, as we have in the past. For the next two weeks, stars from the world of entertainment, politics, and more will drop by to make their picks for the big game in the Pink Taco! Up next, it's Gilbert Gottfried!

A talent agent is sitting in his office, and this family walks in. Man, woman, two kids and a little dog. The talent agent says, "Let's see what kind of an act do you do."

So the family gets completely undressed. The man starts fucking his wife. The daughter starts jerking off the son, who is fisting his mother while she's riding her husband, who in turn starts fingering the dog's asshole.



Then the father gets up and starts jerking off the son. Then the mother lies down and the daughter starts pissing on her mother's face. The dog shits on the the mother. Then the father starts jerking off onto his daughter's face, who then starts fistfucking the dog. The dog's O-ring blows wide open, blood AND SHIT SPLATTER EVERYWHERE, and NOW EVERYONE IS FUCKING AND SUCKING in this puddle of BLOOD and SHIT and PISS and CUM. Do you want me to start it from the beginning?

Then suddenly, the daughter pulls out a pocket knife and STABS HER FATHER IN THE LEG. But as she stabbed him, the man was sucking off the boy, and as the man clenches in pain, he BITES OFF HIS SON'S COCK in what can best be described as a fit of agony. BLOOD SQUIRTS EVERYWHERE. In fact, SO MUCH BLOOD is coming out of the boy's penis so fast THAT THE PENIS IS BEING PROPELLED THROUGH THE AIR BY THE SPRAY OF BLOOD LIKE A LITTLE RED BOTTLE ROCKET, as so often happens under these circumstances.

THEN THE DAUGHTER pulls a WIRE COAT HANGER OUT OF THE SUPPLY CLOSET and starts untangling it, while the newly-castrated son is rubbing PEANUT BUTTER INTO THE DAUGHTER'S ASSHOLE, which the DOG IS LICKING OUT FASTER THAN THE BOY CAN SMEAR IT IN. It's sort of an ass-Spackle, you see.

And DURING ALL OF THIS, THE WIFE RAMS AN UMBRELLA UP HER HUSBAND'S ASS, AND TRIES TO OPEN IT. BUT THEN THE DOG GETS DIARRHEA FROM EATING SO MUCH PEANUT BUTTER THAT HE SHITS RUNNY DIARRHEA IN THE CORNER OF THE OFFICE, RIGHT ON TOP OF WHERE THE BOY'S ONCE-AIRBORNE COCK HAS NOW COME TO REST. THE MAN THEN GETS A SUDDEN BURST OF INSPIRATION, as artistic people are often prone to do, WALKS TO THE CORNER, YANKS THE UMBRELLA OUT OF HIS ASS, AND STARTS PISSING ON HIS FAMILY, using a distinct left-to-right motion, you know, like one of those sprinklers. BUT THEN DISLODGING THE UMBRELLA CAUSES ALL THIS SHIT TO CASCADE DOWN HIS LEGS ONTO THE DOG'S SHIT, ONTO THE YOUNG BOY'S BLOODY SEVERED COCK.


Now pay attention here, because this is where things start to get a little out of hand. THE YOUNG GIRL FINALLY GETS THE COAT HANGER UNTANGLED, AND THEN JAMS THE HOOK END OF THE HANGER RIGHT UP HER CUNT, AND STARTS PUMPING HERSELF FURIOUSLY with the coat hanger. THE WOMAN TRIES SUCKING THE BOY OFF, BUT IS REMINDED BY THE SPRAYS OF BLOOD FROM HIS SCROTUM TO HER FACE...THAT HIS COCK LAY LIFELESS IN THE CORNER UNDER A PILE OF SHIT AND BLOOD AND PISS. SHE'S THINKING ALL OF THIS...WHILE FINGERING HER OWN ASSHOLE.



SO INSTEAD OF SORTING THROUGH THE MESS, because really, who has that kind of time, THE WOMAN STARTS SHOVELING HANDFULS OF SHIT IN HER MOUTH UNTIL SHE FEELS THE STIFF BLOODY DONG BRUSHING THE BACK OF HER THROAT, AMIDST ALL THE BLOOD AND SHIT AND PISS AND SWEAT--OH, THE SWEAT--INTO HER MOUTH.

THE YOUNG GIRL FINALLY YANKS THE COAT HANGER OUT OF HER PUSSY, AND LO AND BEHOLD AT THE END OF THE WIRE HOOK IS DANGLING A SIX-MONTH-OLD FETUS. THE DAUGHTER GRABS THE FETUS BY THE UMBILICAL CORD AND STARTS SWINGING THE FETUS IN A CIRCULAR MOTION OVER HER HEAD LIKE A BOLO WHIP. AND IT'S MAKING A WHOOSH-WHOOSH SOUND. Whoosh-whoosh and so forth.

THE WOMAN PULLS THE BOY'S DICK OUT OF HER MOUTH AND STARTS FUCKING THE DOG IN THE ASS WITH THE SEVERED COCK. THE MAN STARTS EATING OUT THE DAUGHTER'S ASS, AND IS DELIGHTED WHEN HE REALIZES HE CAN STILL TASTE THE PEANUT BUTTER, ONLY THIS TIME, IT'S EXTRA CRUNCHY.

MEANWHILE THE BOY HAS PASSED OUT ON THE FLOOR RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF ALL THE BLOOD AND SHIT AND PISS AND CUM AND IS HASTILY REACHING FOR INTRAVENOUS FLUIDS, UNTIL THE DAUGHTER SWINGS THE FETUS AT THE BOY'S HEAD, AND SHE KNOCKS HIM UNCONSCIOUS WITH THE FETUS. THEN THE DOG RUNS OVER AND STARTS EATING THE FETUS WHILE THE DAUGHTER STARTS SUCKING THE BLOOD OUT OF HER BROTHER'S SCROTUM.

Then EVERYONE STANDS UP and they all take a bow.


"That's an interesting act," the talent agent says, which was really kind of an understatement when you think about it."What do you call it?"

"We call it," the family says in unison, "The Patriots!"

38 comments:

Steve said...

awesome.

Bill Belichick said...

Not enough people who read KSK saw the Aristocrats, which is amazing since it's right up this demographics alley.

Zamboni said...

So, that's how Brady "hurt" his ankle.

devang said...

Golf Clap.

My Insignificant Life said...

I thought they were saving this for the half time show - now the surprised is ruined.

Five Pound Bag said...

Good joke, but a little light on the sodomy IMO.

85 said...

Can we use the "wire coat hangers" tag for every post about the Patriots?

Awful Chief said...

Far more entertaining than that piece -of-shit movie.

quiet strength said...

Coat hangers = versatility

Rally Monkey Spanker said...

Nothing says "Super Bowl Preview" like a story with sodomy.

And incest.

And beastiality.

Cousins of Ron Mexico said...

Don't hold back next time

/Bob Saget

Pemulis said...

i was in tears laughing while reading this, but my computer is being shitty and the pictures aren't loading, which i'm going to just assume is a blessing.

Cousins of Ron Mexico said...

@pemulis:

The pictures are from our book release party that we hosted last week. We enjoyed some free booze and light fisting.

/Leitch

Rajiv Vindaloo said...

Ahhhh, The Aristocrats.
Watch it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tw10xa_xtNg

grungedave said...

so now the AFLAC duck is a Patriots fan?

Joep Smeets said...

I seriously couldnt read through the whole thing so I skipped forward to the end, but man, that was awesome. I'm sure a percentage of my fellow pats fans disagrees, but I don't seem to have the pie chart ready ;)

Brady's a douchebag said...

Thanks for making me have an asthma attack from laughing so fucking hard reading this. The only thing missing was (door flies open) with Darkie 81 coming in to clean up the place with his tongue. When the family wants their chance, Moss uses his signature move...he pushes off. Probably also needed Welkah coming in to get Moss up the ass while Gaffney plays Lucky Pierre (in other words...needed to include the whole Brady Bunch).

Otto Man said...

Gilbert Gottfried will forever have my respect for the masturbation monologue he did on the Emmy awards after Peewee Herman was arrested.

Anyone know where I can find a transcript? All I remember is the ending where he was insisting his hand was a serial killer, and then Fox cutting away abruptly.

Mike said...

Gilbert is one of the dirtiest comics out there. He's absolutely great to see live, even if he did do some cheesy kid movies in the mid 90s. But Saget did Full House and he's filthy as hell too.

This post was amazing. I started laughing after the first sentence because I just knew what it was gonna be. Grotesque and beautiful at the same time.

Leaking Geek said...

A tour-de-force!

@MMP:

Do they use a stunt-fetus, or do they only do this stunt for the Soopa Bowel?

the great bambi said...

glad i haven't eaten lunch yet...and don't need to for a while now

Otto Man said...

I found a few quotes from Gottfried's Emmy rant:

"If masturbation is a crime, then I should be on death row. By age 14, I was already Al Capone." and "How exactly did they do it, did they dust for prints?"

That was 1991. There hasn't been an interesting moment on the Emmys ever since.

Pemulis said...

the pictures loaded and i have to say as glad as i am not to see awful shit, there was a twinge of disappointment

Manas said...

I was hoping for an appearance from Marmalard.

James said...

I can't wait until this post becomes the next t-shirt design

Jordan said...

Wow, the one time you DON'T use the "jeez punter that's wrong" tag.

TroubleHelix said...

UM, how could you have not written this...

Otto Man said...

This post deserves a prize for being the first-ever correct usage of the ALL CAPS rant.

I especially like how Punter nails the soft moments that pop up every now and then in Gottfried's usual jet-engine scream:

AND IT'S MAKING A WHOOSH-WHOOSH SOUND. Whoosh-whoosh and so forth.

Perfect.

J.L. White said...

Punter, good job on making me seriously nauseous after reading this post....but nearly as sick as I'll be when the Patriots win the Super Bowl.

larry b said...

Man, that was fucking disgusting. I'm surprised my monitor didn't crack. FIVE pictures of Gottfried on one post? Oh, and the story was kind of nasty too.

YESSSSSSS, what a setup by me

futuremrsrickankiel said...

Frankly, I was hoping for a "we could do this all day" tag. This could prove as fruitful as Herschel Walker's MPD for celebrity picks... I'm envisioning one involving lots and lots of Oreos used in unimaginably filthy ways and ending with "The Mannings!" At the very least, it could be milked for a couple of cheap Osi Umenyiora jokes.

MartinTheMerciless said...

You forgot to have Bill Balla-chick filming it all.

KSK, truly, the Aristocrat of sports blogs.

klitzman said...

Even though I saw it coming, still hilarious.

I betcha no one in that family is black though.

Tinnitus said...

Tom Brady wishes he knew the "fetus on a hanger" trick a little earlier.

Sorgi's Sideline Receiver said...

Coach Dungy wanted me to tell you that he and Jim Caldwell are praying for your soul. When Dungy is done praying, Jim will take over.

Rob I said...

That's it. Shut down the Internet. MMP just won it all.

Landru said...

Out-fucking-standing. Best MMP post EVar.

Jay said...

Fuck me sideways I love you man.