Tuesday, January 22, 2008

KSK Celebrity Super Bowl Pick Bukkake: Barack Obama

The celebrity Super Bowl pick is a time-honored tradition, one we at KSK are super fucking excited to be a part of, as we have in the past. For the next two weeks, stars from the world of entertainment, politics, and more will drop by to make their picks for the big game in the Pink Taco! First up, Democratic presidential candidate, BarryBarack Hussein Obama!

It is not merely a matter of the content of our determination, our will to succeed, but more importantly, how we have arrived at it. We stand here today, inspired, empowered and awed by the competitors who have wended their way through the gauntlet and now see that the mountaintop lies only within a day's footfall.

We see toughness, we see industry, we see resourcefulness. A firm grasp of fundamentals and an enlightened sense of the brand of whimsy that knows the rewards of risk. All these things are perceivable with the eyes of the present.

But we were not there when it was only hope and the will to change that catalyzed these magnificent charges to glory. The moment they choose hope over fear. Change over stagnation. Unity over division.

Media: OMG OMG OMG WE <3 YOU BARRY! MY COCK GRIP HAND IS WAY STRONG!

/swoonage

Obama:
Now is the time to see that for those taking part in the grandest challenge the road ahead is all too conquerable by the twinned forces of hope and change. Tonight, we are one step closer to the vision of an America not hoping to change but changing to a hopeful future.

Media: [writing] Change. Hope. Change. Hope. Change. Hope.

yesyesyes GENIUS! What is it like to be the first changing hopeful candidate with a chance at the White House? Are you hopechangechangehopehopehopehope?

Obama: Listen: I, we, you did this -- you did this because you believed so deeply, so audacious in your hope, in the most American of ideas -- that in the face of impossible odds, people who love this country can change it. Of that much we can be hopeful.

Media: If I'm not mistaken - and I do apologize for the directness of my question - I believe the original question had to do with your expectations for the upcoming Super Bowl.


Oprah: Oh my goodness, hello! and hello! and hello! Oh my goodness, at last I'm here. Me! [Exhales] The Super Bowl, people. I mean, GET. OUT. Haven't you ever sat there at one of those parties and thought "Well, what exactly is this?" Is this one of Oprah's favorite things? Shouldn't we win stuff for watching? Shouldn't our shared cultural heritage consist of more Nicolas Sparks novels?

We are 300 million strong with our many colors and religions and languages. Many colors, religions and languages but one title game, one champion, one MVP. I'd like to tell you who that should be, so I can get to my bikram yoga class to hunt down more closeted gay men.

Usually, America is content for me to choose what they want for them, but the stubborn refusal of tradition requires us to sit through this charming spectacle. [Laughs winningly] Upending that chore is just some of the change that I'm mandating, er, suggesting here today.

Obama: But I really do want to focus on your question, because it's an important one. I believe the forces of change can foster hope but that there is no change without hope. If hope can jump to an early lead, they can possibly hold off the quick-strike capability of change. I know they say hope springs eternal and change is constant, but things never play out according to easy storylines in these contests.

If hope is indeed a powerful universal tool of human uplift, I'll say Hope 31, Change 23. If change is not an organic phenomenon easily effected by the hands of man like we hope it is, I can just as easily say Change 24, Hope 13. It can really go either way, I hope. Nonono, wait, let me change that.

Media: /pens fawning editorial

23 comments:

85 said...

I hope the rest of the celebrity picks don't change from how funny this one was.

(Crickets.)

(Crickets.)

Sigh... first?

Greg Schuler said...

Her vajajay be painin'

Reasonable Doubt for a Reasonable Price said...

If he's going to make change...got two fives for a ten?

Dale said...

So then check for the over at 53.5.

quiet strength said...

Ahh...how inspiring and uplifting. Makes one thing of a brighter, better world where the University of Phoenix Stadium were actually known as the Pink Taco Stadium.

the great bambi said...

well quiet strength, that is the kind of change you can hope for. As an american, you are allowed to hope for change and change like pink taco stadii for all is a change worth hoping for. God Bless America and I hope that never changes...wait...can I do that?

JAMMQ said...

We're dicks. We're reckless, arrogant, stupid dicks. And [Eli Manning] is a pussy. And [Bill Belichick] is an asshole. Pussies don't like dicks because pussies get fucked by dicks. But dicks also fuck assholes, assholes that just want to shit on everything. Pussies may think they can deal with assholes their way. But the only thing that can fuck an asshole is a dick, with some balls. The problem with dicks is that sometimes they fuck too much or fuck when it isn't appropriate and it takes a pussy to show them that. But sometimes, pussies get so full of shit that they become assholes themselves because pussies are an inch and half away from assholes. I don't know much about this crazy, crazy world, but I do know that if you don't let us fuck this asshole, we're gonna have our dicks and our pussies all covered in shit.

the great bambi said...

@ jammq

so are you trying to get everyone who comes to KSK to run the train on Eli and Belichick?

smurphette said...

"Is this one of Oprah's favorite things? Shouldn't we win stuff for watching? Shouldn't our shared cultural heritage consist of more Nicolas Sparks novels?"

Hilarious and so, so true. Nicholas Sparks stories make me feel alternately like throwing up and how I imagine it would feel to be lobotomized. I bet he and PK would be BFF.

devang said...

So, Barry plans to work with the People's Republic of Masscunts to keep the NFL competitive by not keeping the talent level of the Patriots artificially high (HGH, Cameras, Leg Whips, to name a few)? think talent level re-valuation should be high on Obama's list. He should also introduce a resolution to the United Referees Nation for Human Rights violations on Randy Moss (excessive push-offs, interference, etc.), the Pats O-line (no holding or illegal tactics are ever called)

JAMMQ said...

so are you trying to get everyone who comes to KSK to run the train on Eli and Belichick?

Ummm . . . no.

Grimey said...

You... are... BARRY BARRY BARRY BARRY BARRY BARRY BARRY BARRY....

Upstate Underdog said...

"Barack Obama, motherfucker! Barack Obama! I'm the president of hitting that ass."

Pemulis said...

black man doin his thang

Barney said...

That's FINE. BETTER than fine. But we have two damned weeks to stew in our own measty juices (sorry Futuremrs...)- so I'm hoping Hillary (and a few choice others) ALSO get their turn in the Christmas Ape Box.

But beating down on content free speechifying? Definitely a go.

As for the Barry thing... I'm pretty sure they're excavating some new part of Hell for how hard I laughed at that. 'Cause when you go through life with the name Barney, well it's nice to see that shit get spread around.

Tech N9ne's Tribute to Falco said...

Worst post ever.

I'm going to take this to mean that Ape is a BIG Hillary Clinton fan.

I could give two shits about Barry Hussein, I'm just sayin if I wanted the McLaughlin Group I'd get up before 11 on a Sunday.

I'm pro-tagent & pro-funny, but unless CerebRON PAULsey starts talkin like Jerry Jones, I'd rather hear the inner monologue of Frank Caliendo's morning masturbation.

futuremrsrickankiel said...

Don't apologize to me... it's the damn NFL's fault, not yours.

What's missing from this is a hastily-penned news item on the unique struggle of black women in this contest: do they root for Randy Moss because he's black, or Eli Manning because (s)he's a woman?

/starts political flamewar




(If I knew how to put hyperlinks in my comments, I'd include the article about that CNN story... if anyone's got it, please do so!)

flubby said...

tech 9, ahem...

kissmesuzy.blogspot.com/2007/01/ksk-celebrity-super-bowl-p_116977619733543083.html

Tech N9ne's Tribute to Falco said...

I stand corrected. But come on, Oprah and stale political jokes? I mean it's still technically the season. Coulda at least thrown some race baiting or butthash in there.
[mumbling] gayer than wonkette

/knew I should have gone with Meet the Press

ben said...

I was really hoping the nominees would be Obama and Huckabee, so the entire process would be one long debate about the definition of Hope.

Heh. The machine always wins.

MartinTheMerciless said...

Good thing most of the Kennedys are dead.

Chris said...

HillBilly says: The Patriots used a camera to record signs like the Zapruter Film and PLAN THE EXECUTION OF KENNEDY!

I can't believe my, err, my wife's opponent can say that they wanted that to happen!

A black man talking about sports.. It's a Fairy Tale!

/plays his saxophone...

Independent said...

Wow.
Suddenly this site got really fucking lame.
Too bad.